by Amy Watkins
Naomi was not so welcoming with me. She didn’t talk with me directly. Sometimes she would send messages to me through Caroline. She would have Caroline put me on speaker phone so that she could listen as Caroline told me these messages. They weren’t very nice messages but I decided not to hit back. I wanted there to be peace between us, and I felt that responding would just make matters worse. I did a lot of tongue biting during those conversations.
“Naomi said that she’d respect you more if you stopped sleeping with her married son,” Caroline mentioned.
I didn’t respond, but I thought about it. First of all, Ethan and I had stopped sleeping together and Naomi still didn’t respect me, so that was bullshit. Secondly, I was thirty-seven years old and very comfortable with my sexuality. Nice try, but she wasn’t going to make me feel bad about myself for that. I liked having sex with Ethan and it was something I wanted to do. Thirdly, it was none of Naomi’s business, anyway. Ethan was thirty-nine years old. She needed to stay out of his life and get one of her own. I felt all those things, but I bit my tongue.
“Naomi said that she will never accept you. She has already talked to the family and because you are his mistress, they will never accept you either. She always asks, ‘What kinda woman calls herself Christian and commits adultery.’”
I didn’t respond. I just thought it funny that they accepted Caroline when she had obviously committed adultery, but they wouldn’t accept me. Besides, Christian does not mean perfect. All Christians sin, including Naomi. I knew the Bible said adultery was an acceptable reason for divorce. Tracy had committed adultery. The biblical requirements for a divorce was to give the spouse a piece of paper and send them away. Tracy and Ethan had already done that to each other before I came along. They were just waiting for the courts to put their stamp on it. Ethan and I were in love and were committed to each other. God knew what was in our hearts. We may not have been married on paper, but we were definitely married in our hearts. And as soon as we could, we planned on getting married on paper. King David was an adulterer and a murderer, but he was still God’s chosen. Why? Because of David’s heart. I wanted to say it, but I kept my mouth shut.
“Naomi thinks you are selfish, horrible, and desperate. You are spending all this money on Ethan just so he can feel obligated to stay with you.”
Yes, I did want to be with Ethan but my sole reason for helping was not so he would feel obligated to me. I gave because I knew my friend needed help, and it wasn’t in my nature to just walk away. I won’t lie and say I never thought about abandoning him. The situation was just way too hard. Why do so much for someone who would probably move to Kentucky when he got out, anyway? Why do so much for someone who lied to me, lied about me, and hurt me? Because it wasn’t in my heart to leave. Because when I prayed, I knew God wanted me to continue to help. I thought all of this yet remained silent.
“Naomi said you must be really selfish to even think about keeping a man away from his kids like you tryna do.”
Now, I did respond to that one. “I am not trying to keep Ethan away from his kids. I want us both to be a part of all of our kids’ lives.”
“Then why you tryna keep him from moving here?”
“I don’t want a long-distance relationship. If he wants to move to Kentucky that’s on him, but I’d probably break up with him.”
I loved Ethan and loved being with him. In my heart, I felt that we were destined to be together. But I had trouble trusting Ethan and I didn’t trust Caroline, either. If he was in Kentucky, if that’s what he decided to do, I wouldn’t be able to trust any of them…at all. I would just give up, count it a loss, and move on.
“See, that’s selfish.”
“It’s not being selfish. It’s just something I choose not to deal with. I have a right to choose that for myself.”
“Well, Ethan obviously doesn’t mean that much to you if you willing to give him up like that.”
“Ethan and I love each other. We are happy together.”
Naomi chimed in, “Ethan’s kids can make him happy.”
I didn’t respond but I thought, “They won’t make him happy like I can.”
“And,” Naomi added, “Ethan has never told me that he loved you, so I don’t know why you keep on saying that you guys love each other. Maybe you the only one in love. If Ethan was really in love with you, he woulda told me he loved you a long time ago.”
“That’s right,” Caroline added, “We not tryna force Ethan to do anything he don’t want to do. If he told us that he loved you and he wanted to stay in Virginia with you, we would understand and give you our blessing. But he has never said that to either of us. That tells me he don’t really love you and he don’t really want to be with you.”
The words stung but I took it with a grain of salt. They could be lying to hurt me. But what if Ethan really didn’t tell them how he felt about me. He had gone to Kentucky and said that he told them the truth, but I didn’t hear the conversation. Who knows what he said to them? Maybe I was wrong and Ethan really didn’t love me. Maybe I was being selfish. Maybe I should have walked away.
I wrote Ethan letter about it and he wrote one back. Letter 39:
My Dearest Angela,
I am sorry for all the hurt and pain I caused you but I do love you. And yes, I have told both Caroline and my mom that I’m in love with you. When I told them, they got mad at me and listed reasons why it was wrong to love you. Mom told me “God don’t bless no mess,” and assured me that this mess would never prosper. She reminded me that I was still married to Tracy and that I promised her that I wouldn’t open another door before closing the others first. Since then, I just stopped talking to them about you. They ask but I just say something real quick like “we good” and change the subject. But I do love you. It didn’t matter what they said. Didn’t matter what reason they gave that I should not be with you. My heart is yours, regardless. I don’t know why God put this love in my heart for you now, but He did. Truth be told, I never wanted to go back to Kentucky. Naomi and Caroline know this. I told them that before you even came into the picture. I had agreed to go to Kentucky for a few months to help with Trinity while Caroline went back to school. But that’s all. My heart is with you. With you is where I want to be. Besides, I got a kid in Kentucky, a kid in Virginia, and a kid in South Carolina. I still support all of them best I can. Those I can talk to, I do. You know this. You see that I talk to Cierra almost every night. And in the future, I plan to support all of them while I am living in Virginia with you. I am sorry that things are not going well with my mom and you. I’m not sure why mom is acting this way, but I know she’ll come around one day. Stay strong. I will be out soon and home comforting you. I can’t wait to hold you in my arms again. I love you and miss you.
Love, Ethan
The letter was nice, but I wasn’t convinced given that he had lied to me before about this whole Kentucky thing. I prayed and asked God if he really wanted me to continue to put effort into helping Ethan even though I knew there was a big chance he and I would never be. God confirmed. It wouldn’t be the first time God used me for someone else’s benefit. I just wished, for once, that I could get the benefit in the end too. I decided to prepare my heart for disappointment. I decided I would spend my money on lawyers and bail knowing he might go to Kentucky when he got out. I tried to have faith that God would keep me safe, no matter the outcome, but it was hard to hear God telling me to continue to give, continue to support, continue to love, continue to fight, and continue to sacrifice, when I knew that I would likely be left with my dreams crushed in the end.
A few days later, Caroline called. “Angela, you are a cool awesome person and I…I gotta tell you something. It’s just been eating at my spirit. I have been riddled with guilt keeping it from you.”
“What is it?” I asked. Drama can be addictive. Even though I was tired and sick of the drama, when Caroline called claiming to have some juicy news, I wanted to hear it.
/> “I’m not sure if I should tell you. Ethan got so much going on. I don’t want him riddled with this too.”
“What is it?”
“Okay, if I tell you, you have to promise not to tell Ethan about it. I don’t want him getting more upset then he already is.”
I was nauseated and anxious; but I still wanted to hear it, “Yes, okay. What is it?” I asked.
“Ethan and I never stopped sleeping together. We slept together at the baby shower. That’s why I was so mad at you. I’m sorry. I should have told you sooner.”
“What?” I was crushed. I started sobbing. “How could he do this to me?”
“Don’t cry, I’m sorry.”
“I can’t do this anymore,” I continued to sob, “I’m a beautiful woman. I can get a good man. One that deserves me. I don’t have to settle. I don’t have to deal with this anymore.”
“I don’t understand. Why are you so upset? You guys aren’t together. You say you haven’t slept with him in months. That you guys been celibate.”
“Yes, we have agreed to be celibate. He is the one who wanted that. I have been faithful to him and he promised he would be faithful to me. He promised me he wasn’t sleeping with anyone else. Now you’re telling me that’s a lie? I can’t deal with no more lies from him. We are so fucking done.” I stood up, took the ring that Ethan gave me off my finger and threw it in the trash.
“I’m sorry,” Caroline said, “but please don’t say anything to Ethan.”
Just then the other line beeped. I looked at the call and it was Ethan.
“That’s him right now,” I announced. “I’ll call you back.”
I hung up on Caroline and answered, “Hello, you are receiving a call from inmate…Ethan Conner…” the automated message played. “If you would like to accept the call, please press one.”
I was heated and he was about to get an earful. I pressed one.
Chapter 13 – Ethan
I was in good spirits. My day was going great. I decided to call Angela but as soon as she picked up, I could hear her crying. “What’s wrong?” I asked.
“Did you sleep with Caroline at the baby shower? And don’t lie to me.”
“What? What’s going on?”
“Caroline said that you guys never stopped sleeping together. She said you guys slept together at the baby shower. That’s why she was mad when she found out we were still sleeping together.” Angela was wailing. She was so upset and I had no idea how to respond.
“What happened? Something must have happened.”
“See, you didn’t even deny it. It’s true. It must be true. It explains so much. Why else would she be so mad we were sleeping together? Why else would you stop sleeping with me?” she responded. “I’m done, it’s over. Don’t ever call me again.” She yelled and slammed down the phone.
I tried to call Angela back but she refused to accept the call. So, I called Caroline.
“What happened?” I demanded when Caroline picked up the phone.
“What you mean?” She sounded cool like nothing had happened.
“Why is Angela crying? Why does she think we are still sleeping together?”
“I have no idea. Maybe Tracy sent her something. You know Tracy be sending her all kinds of crazy emails. Maybe she took one to heart.”
“Maybe,” I thought. I tried to call Angela back multiple times, but she rejected the call every time, so I sent her letter forty-eight:
Angela, I am not sure why you think Caroline and I are still sleeping together, but we are not. Ever since you and I first slept together, I have not been with anyone else. There is no one else and there never will be anyone else. I want to spend the rest of my life with you and only you. That’s why I gave you that promise ring. I love you.
I continued to try to call Angela, but it took a few days before she accepted the call.
“What happened?” I asked, “Why did you think I was sleeping with Caroline?”
“That’s what Caroline told me.” She sighed, “But she sent me an email today saying that she was just joking.”
“She told me that she didn’t say anything to you.” I replied.
“I know that’s a lie. I have the emails to prove it.” I could hear that Angela was frustrated. She continued, “You know what, I’m sending you all the emails that they sent me so you can see for yourself. I’m tired of this shit. I know I’m not lying—but when it comes to you and your family, I don’t know what to believe. Was Caroline lying when she told me you guys been sleeping together this whole time? Or is she lying now?”
“Why would she lie now?”
“Come on Ethan. I’m nice but I’m not stupid. I know she just wants me to pay your bail. She knows that if she tells me that you guys are fucking that I’ll be done, and I’d just keep your ass in jail. That’s why she’d be lying now.”
“Well Angela, none of that is true. I have been faithful to you, and they know that.”
“Mmm hmm.” Angela did not sound the least bit convinced.
“I have something to tell you,” Angela said. Those were dreaded words that no man wants to hear, especially when he is in jail. I just knew she was going to say that she had found another man. Maybe that’s why Angela was accusing me of an affair with Caroline. I took a deep breath and let her talk. “I threw away the ring.”
“What?!” I was hurting and upset. I saved up to buy that ring for her. I wanted to give her something to show her that I cared and wanted to be with her forever. And she just threw it away? Like it was nothing? Like we were nothing.
“I was upset when Caroline told me you guys were sleeping together. I was done. I wasn’t planning on ever talking to you again. I’m sorry.”
“I understand,” I consoled, but I was still hurt. The guards started to lock down the place. “I gotta go, lockdown.”
Lockdown sucked. Everyone had to stay in their cells. There were no phone calls, no showers, no extra trays, no mail being passed, and no rec time.
We hung up without saying I love you. That was not good. She didn’t trust me, and I was in jail. I couldn’t show her how I felt. I wanted to see her when I pleaded my innocence. I wanted her to see that I was not lying.
A few days later I got letter forty-nine. Attached were the printed emails:
From Caroline, to Angela: Angela, I’m sorry. When I told you Ethan and I were still sleeping together, I was just joking. I didn’t think you’d believe me.
From Angela, to Caroline: I don’t know what to believe anymore.
From Caroline, to Angela: I didn’t think you were going to take me seriously. I didn’t think you were going to start crying. I thought you was going to be like, “Girl, stop playing, you guys don’t even like each other.”
From Angela, to Caroline: Of course, I cried. I trusted Ethan and I trusted you. That shit hurt.
From Caroline, to Angela: I don’t know why it even hurt you anyway. You guys aren’t even together. You sat there and told me you guys weren’t together and you weren’t sleeping together. I asked you specifically before I told you that joke. Why would you be all upset and you guys aren’t even together?
From Angela. to Caroline: We are not officially together and we are celibate. But we made a promise to each other that we would only be with each other and no one else. Plus, I’m tired of the lies. Ethan been telling me this whole time he hasn’t been sleeping with anyone and if I found out that was a lie too, I’d be done.
From Caroline, to Angela: Well it’s not a lie.
So, Angela was being honest. Caroline really did tell her those lies. And Caroline lied to me pretending like she didn’t do anything wrong.
I called Angela. She picked up but she was still upset and untrusting.
“I got your letter,” I said.
“Yeah?”
“I’m sorry. I don’t know why Caroline would try to play that cruel a joke on you, but at least she came clean.”
�
��Right,” she drawled
“You okay? You sound upset.”
“I am upset. I don’t know what to believe anymore. I don’t know what to feel anymore. I am so tired of all this shit. Your mom hates me and Caroline…well, Caroline is Caroline. And how can I trust you? You have lied so much.”
“I understand if you want to break up.” That wasn’t what I wanted but I carried so much guilt. I felt like Angela deserved so much better. I felt like I was a burden on her. I felt like she didn’t deserve the pain that my dramatic life caused. She could find someone better than me with more money and less drama. She could find happiness. She could find peace.
“I didn’t say that. It’s just…too much. First you lied and said you hadn’t slept with anyone since Tracy. Come to find out you slept with Caroline and had a baby with her. Then you lied and just told me you did it once. Then she said it was multiple times…”
I cut her off, “How many times do you think I slept with Caroline?”
“Oh, she told me you guys slept together every day while you were in Kentucky.”
“It wasn’t every day.” I insisted. “We only slept together like two or three times.”
“Two or three?” Angela demanded. “Well, which is it? Two or three?”
“I don’t know.” I whined and then groaned, frustrated. “Like two or three.”
“See that sounds like some bullshit to me. You telling me you don’t know how many times you slept with her?”
“No, I was drunk. I know we had sex, but I don’t remember details.”
Angela sneered, “You were drunk every night you slept with her?”
I was so confused. “No, it was only that one night.”
Angela gasped. “Hold up, wait a minute. You slept with her multiple times in one night? Not multiple nights?”
“It was just one night.”
“Hmm.” I could tell Angela was thinking as there was a moment of silence, “Caroline told me that you guys were sleeping together every night. That’s why you know that Trinity was yours. You didn’t even question it.”