by Amy Watkins
Step 5. Open your heart to love again. By this, I mean biblical love (patience, kindness, honesty, peace). God is love. Love your neighbor. Love your friends. And yes, even love your enemy. Luke 6:35, Mark 12:31, Matthew 5:44, Leviticus 19:18.
I am here but don’t let your past ruin our future.
Love Always,
Angela
Letter 185:
Dear Angela,
I have reflected on all the things you said about resentment. And I read each scripture you referenced. But Naomi, Caroline and Tracy are still persecuting me. They are still doing this shit to me and I am still dealing with the repercussions. How can you forgive someone who is still actively trying to hurt you? And you? You are still dealing with the pain I have caused you. That’s why I’m stuck on their actions and mine. Especially mine. I can’t fathom how you can forgive me for all that I have done and said to you. And I do understand if you want to end this. I just want what’s best for you. Even if it causes my suffering. And trust me, if you left, I would suffer. I love you and I believe you are the one for me. Losing you would be like losing my air. But I would understand.
Love Always,
Ethan
Letter 186:
Dear Ethan,
I know it’s rough. How can you forgive someone who is still actively hurting you? That’d be like Rodney King saying, “Can’t we all just get along?!” while the cops were beating him. That’ll be like the Christian martyrs I read about in the news saying, “I love you!” to Jihadi John while he chopped off their heads. Better yet, that’ll be like Jesus saying, “Forgive them Father for they know not what they do,” while He was hanging on the cross. Oh wait, that did happen. Look, I know it’s hard but you gotta forgive. Love them from a distance. And love me balls to the wall ;)
Love,
Angela
Letter 189
Angela my love,
Balls to the wall, huh? Look at you, using them old military terms with me. So, you want me full throttle, huh? Okay, I can do that. All in, no fear. You think you could handle it? Cause I love hard. You will be all kinds of spoiled.
Love,
Ethan
Letter 190
Dear Ethan,
Heck yeah, I can handle it. I’m ready…
“It ain’t the same without Mike here,” Buck interrupted as I read.
“Awww, you miss him,” I joked.
“Man, stop playing,” he playfully punched my shoulder. “You know you next man.”
“I hope so.”
“What you gonna do when you get out?”
“As soon as I get out, Imma take my Black ass home and give Angela the best two minutes of her life.”
Buck and I both cracked up laughing then he got serious again, “Must be nice. You got a nice girl at home. Not me. I got two baby mamas but they don’t care about me. They only care about what I can give them. It’s my fault though. I never really had a girlfriend. You know, someone I could really count on. I just had chicks I could fuck. I coulda had a good girl once, but I was too focused on just having fun. I didn’t take her seriously. When she left, I couldn’t’ve cared less. I care now.”
Buck was really doing some mature self-reflecting. Sitting in the midst of these four walls could really make you think. Listening to him reminded me of my younger years. When I was young, dumb, and thought I was invincible, I went around just fucking girls but not having anything meaningful and not caring about the repercussions.
When Deidra and Tracy both hurt me, I thought I could go back to my young dumb ways. I fucked Tracy and Caroline without even knowing who they were or what they were about. I fucked them without thinking about the repercussions—and it blew up in my face. Now, I too had two baby mamas who didn’t care about me, just what I could give them.
But he was right, it was nice to have someone who was really down for me. Someone who really had my back. And it infuriated me to know that Caroline and Naomi tried to ruin that for me, too.
I wondered if they knew how much hurt they caused. I wondered if they cared.
“I feel you,” I replied. “I need to make amends with the people I’ve done wrong.”
I thought of Angela, Quentin, Deidra, my aunts, uncles, and cousins. All those I hurt because I believed Naomi and Caroline.
“Making amends is the right thing to do. It’s hard, though.” Buck observed. “Eating crow ain’t a bad thing. Try to be humble and remember all that you have been through. You did your time in here and survived. You know more now than you ever would have figured out being on the outside.”
“True,” I added before going back to joke mode, “Maybe I could last two and a half minutes, if I’m lucky. But if she touches on me the right way, I’ll probably jack in my pants. I could always rub one out in the shower before I get with her.”
We both laughed and joked around until our dinner plates arrived. After I ate, I took a shower and went to evening Bible study where Mr. Key was lecturing.
The topic of his lecture was “God, what are you waiting for?”
He read from 1 Samuel:1-2. It was the story of Hannah, a woman who was infertile for years. And for years she was teased and tormented by her husband’s other wife who had no problem having children. She prayed, cried, fasted, and begged for children. She served God faithfully, tithed, and visited church regularly. She even vowed to give her child back to God if he would allow her to have one. Several years passed before she was blessed with a child who she named Samuel, and she had five more children after him.
“Now, why did God make her wait so long to have the child that she longed for?” Mr. Key asked when he had completed the reading. He looked around waiting for someone to answer.
Slim broke the silence, “God does things in his own time.”
“Yes, that’s true,” Mr. Key nodded, “but do we know why?”
We all sat silently waiting for the answer, if there was one. You hear church folks say all the time, “He may not come when you want Him, but He’ll be there right on time,” but it’s hard to believe when you’ve been sitting in jail for six months waiting on God to come through.
Mr. Key answered, “Well, for one, He may keep us waiting for our own good, for our own protection. We just read about Peninnah, the other wife. The one who tormented Hannah. Why do you think she tormented her? Because she was jealous. Can you imagine if Hannah had kids earlier? That jealousy would have intensified. Who knows what Peninnah would have done to Hannah then? Kill her? Kill her child? Maybe God needed to eliminate the threat of Hannah’s enemies before he could give blessings.
Two, maybe Hannah wasn’t ready for a child. Most girls back then when they married, they were young, twelve maybe thirteen. Maybe her body or her mind wasn’t ready to handle a child. Maybe the world wasn’t ready for Samuel. God needed Samuel to be born at a certain time, to be there when Saul was anointed and when David was appointed. If Hannah had Samuel earlier, maybe he wouldn’t have been when and where he needed to be when God needed him to be there. Sometimes, God postpones your blessings until he knows you are ready to handle them.
Three, waiting builds our faith and patience. When that bill finally gets unexpectedly paid or when that sickness finally heals despite the poor prognosis, or when that inmate finally gets out of jail despite a life sentence, it builds our faith. We learn that, no matter how grave things look, God can and will deliver.
Four, waiting builds character. Did you see how Hannah’s character developed during her wait? She went from quietly visiting the temple with her husband to fasting and loudly praying in the temple. Her character and thus her relationship with God developed during those years of waiting.
Five, waiting reveals our true motives. People who don’t have good intentions don’t wait very long. They want the quick pleasure and if they don’t get it, or sometimes even if they do, they quickly move onto wanting something else. But people with good intentions? They are persistent. The
y work hard for it. They pray hard for it. And they wait for it. Hannah prayed for years. She really wanted that baby.
Six, when we finally get what we want, we appreciate it more. You can read Hannah’s prayer after having Samuel and see how grateful she was to finally be blessed with a son. Same with us, when we finally get that freedom, we are so much more appreciative of our lives.”
Everyone at Bible study nodded their heads, agreeing with Mr. Key’s explanations. I’m sure a lot of them had been asking the same questions I had. Why was I still in jail? Where was God? Why wasn’t He coming through?
I went back to my rack, closed my eyes, and prayed that my day of freedom was coming.
The next day I called Angela and told her about the lesson. She told me to have faith and we prayed together. It felt good, but deep down I worried about my upcoming court date. If Judge Wilcox denied my release from jail, I didn’t know what I would do.
Chapter 16 – Angela
I never was the type to share details of my personal life with the world. I didn’t want too many opinions clouding my judgement. It was good to have a few close friends to talk to when life got rough, though. Erica and Ronda usually were that for me. However, ever since my birthday, if I told them anything about Ethan—whether good or bad—they always said I needed to leave him. I knew that was not the right decision for me and I was tired of hearing both Negative Nancys, so I just stopped talking to them about him. It sucked. I had no one to talk to, and Ethan’s court date was in a week. I was worried. I needed some support. I needed to round up some prayer warriors.
I called Erica and Ronda on conference call and asked if they would pray for Ethan and his upcoming court date.
“Why you still messing with this guy?” Ronda asked. “He is beneath you and I don’t want to see you get hurt again.”
“Yeah,” Erica agreed. “He’s the worst.”
“He’s who I choose to be with. Can you guys support my decision? Can I talk about him without only hearing negative shit from you two?”
“I cannot condone your relationship with a married man,” said Ronda.
“Yeah, sis. You need to leave him,” Erica agreed.
It’s easy to make a logical decision when you’re on the outside looking in, but it’s hard when your heart is involved. I thought that my friends, of all people, would understand that. All the illogical decisions they have made throughout their lives—how dare they be judgmental? They had both committed adultery. Erica was still a damn chronic fornicator. A few days before, she was bragging about a new boo that she was screwing. And let’s not forget Ronda and her encounter with Francisco. She didn’t care about hurting me when she was sleeping with him. Yet these two dared judge me?
At least Ethan had been separated before I started sleeping with him. Plus, Ethan had been in jail for over six months, and prior to that we had been celibate for two. That’s over eight months of celibacy. Thank God for my B.O.B. (Battery Operated Boyfriend). Neither of them had been celibate that long since they lost their virginity.
I came so close to telling them about themselves, but God reminded me that their sins were in the past. Ronda and Cedric had been faithful to each other for years. And Erica was one week celibate. Didn’t matter if it was one day, one week, or ten years, it was in the past. Already confessed and forgiven; and I should not be judgmental, either. Besides, God does not grade on a bell curve. Just because someone may have done more foul shit in their past than you does not mean that you won’t reap your repercussions, too.
I kept my response general, “No one on this phone waited 'til marriage before losing their virginity. We all sinners. All I’m asking for is a little support. But I see I can’t get that from you guys, so I’ll continue to keep to myself.”
It hurt that I couldn’t go to my friends. That I couldn’t share my pains or my joys without being judged.
“No one is judging you,” Erica disagreed. “We just love you and don’t want to see you hurt.”
“Then pray for me,” I begged, “and pray for Ethan, too.”
They agreed and we all prayed on that phone for everyone involved in the situation.
His court date was on Friday, June 14th. In anticipation that our prayers would be answered and Ethan would be released, I drove up to the jail and hid his keys in the car’s driver’s side wheel well the weekend before his court date,. I put a fresh set of clothes, shoes, and his wallet in the trunk.
I went to work every day that week, including on Friday.
Friday morning, Caroline started texting me:
Caroline: Have you heard anything about Ethan yet?
Me: No.
I kept my responses short. Around noon, I got another text:
Caroline: He got released! I just called the court and the clerk informed me.
Me: Yay!
I was overjoyed. My prayers had been answered; hopefully, he’d be there by the time I got home. I was excitedly on my way home then I got another text:
Caroline: Have you heard from him? Do we need to go up there and pick him up from the courthouse?
Me: No, he has a ride.
Caroline: Are you picking him up?
Me: No.
Caroline: How’s he getting home?
Me: His car is at the jail. He can drive it when he gets out.
Caroline: How’d his car get to the jail? How did he get the key? Are you playing games with us? I think you know more than what you are letting on. Tell him to call us. Have you heard from him yet? Is he with you now?
The questions just kept coming.
Me: I haven’t heard anything but as soon as I do, I’ll let you know.
I expected to see Ethan’s car in the driveway when I got home, but there was no car. I went about my afternoon as usual, exercising, tending to the kids, cooking dinner, cleaning up, and getting the kids ready for bed.
Still, no Ethan.
There was a dozen more texts from Naomi and Caroline. Mainly they were threats.
Naomi: If you don’t let us talk to Ethan right now, we are coming up there. We know where you live. Where is he? Why are you playing games?
Me: As soon as I hear from him, I will tell him to call you.
Then I got a call from Ethan’s little brother, Ricky, “Hey, Angela. Have you heard from Ethan yet?”
“No, I don’t know where he is and I’m starting to get worried.”
My mind began to race. Maybe he wasn’t really released from jail. Maybe he got into a car accident on his way home. Maybe his car broke down. Maybe Tracy had him followed and run off the road. Maybe he was headed to Kentucky to be with Caroline.
I pulled up the court’s website, the jail’s website, and started calling hospitals to see if there was anyone admitted under the name Ethan Conner. When I was listening to the second hospital’s phone options, I heard the garage door opening. I ran to the window and saw Ethan’s silver Nissan parked in the driveway. I ran downstairs as Ethan was coming through the door and thew my arms around him.
“Thank God!” I praised as we hugged and kissed each other. Finally, after one hundred and ninety-eight days in jail and one hundred and ninety-six letters, he was in my arms.
“Babe, what happened? Where were you?”
“Well…”
Chapter 17 – Ethan
I was so nervous waiting for my hearing. I was left in a cell with cuffs and shackles on. I looked like a hardened criminal and didn’t want the world to see me like that, especially Tracy. I knew she would have a smirk on her face and gloat at my suffering.
“Hey, you have visitor. It’s Mr. Taylor, your lawyer,” yelled the guard.
He led me to a small room and I waited. I wasn’t sure what he was going to say.
Mr. Taylor entered the room and got down to business. “It looks like everyone is here and it seems that I will have convince the judge you did your time and you learned your lesson.” He explained. “Just keep quiet an
d let me talk. Do not make eye contact with Tracy. Just focus on getting out.”
He got up and left, but I had to wait for the guards to escort me to the courtroom.
I kept my head held high though my heart was beating out of my chest. I resisted breaking down. I didn’t want to give Tracy that satisfaction. In my head, I was talking to God, “Lord please help me. Lord give me strength.”
I could feel Tracy looking at me but I refused to look back. I kept my eyes on Mr. Taylor. Tracy had no attorney with her which gave me a little hope that things would work in my favor.
Tracy spoke first.
“Your honor, since Ethan has been in jail, I have not received any support. He has money stashed somewhere and I think it is in the best interest of the court to keep him in jail until he pays what he owes me.”
I tried not to flinch, but my brain was on fire. She was completely lying. I had been in jail, true, but my retirement check was still being garnished. Luckily, Angela had sent all those documents to Mr. Taylor.
Mr. Taylor intervened, “His retirement check has been maximally garnished since the order for child support was first enforced and has continued throughout his time in jail. While he is in jail he cannot work and thus cannot make additional payments. He will continue to fall behind in child support payments the longer he stays in jail.”
Judge Wilcox nodded his head in agreement, “Okay, I’ll release Mr. Conner, but he better get a job and continue making payments. We will reconvene in three months, and if he has failed to meet the court’s order, he runs the risk of further imprisonment.”
“Thank you, your honor,” Mr. Taylor said.