by Amy Watkins
Judge Wilcox pointed his gavel at Tracy and I, “You two need to get a divorce, pronto. This case has been on the books for far too long.”
I agreed with that, but I didn’t understand why he didn’t just grant us the divorce since we filed for separation well over a year before. But since Mr. Taylor told me to keep my mouth shut, that’s exactly what I did.
Though I was released from jail, I still had to go back to jail for out-processing. I waited several hours around the courthouse until the bus came to take us back to jail. My emotions were all over the place as I took my seat on the bus. I was excited and nervous, angry and scared. I pushed all that aside and kept my thoughts on Angela. She had been through so much and I had done so much to hurt her before I went to jail. My lies to her and about her. My accusations when she was innocent. My neglect when she needed me to stand up for her. Angela said she forgave me, but what if she was just being nice while I was in jail? What if she really didn’t forgive me? What if she held a grudge against me? What if she was still hurt?
I thought about Caroline and Naomi. How would I be able to deal with them knowing how manipulative they had been? How could I raise a daughter with Caroline? How could I face my mom knowing that my best interest was never in her heart?
I thought about my kids and Angela’s kids. What would they think of me having been in jail for over six months? I hadn’t been there for them the way they deserved.
“God’s got this,” I reminded myself.
“So, what’s the verdict?” Mr. Key greeted me when I walked back into the pod.
“I’m free…for now.” I replied without as much enthusiasm as I should have had.
“Come on, man, you know you don’t belong in here. They had you in here on some bullshit,” Slim, who was nearby, shouted.
“Yeah, but you know the system doesn’t care if you are telling the truth or not. It’s all about money,” I groused.
“Remember what you learned in here. You grew spiritually and you got a lotta work to do when you get out. You need to make things right with a few people. And never forget, you always have to remember to put the man upstairs first,” Mr. Key said.
I nodded in agreement. If it weren’t for God, I would still be locked up. I also knew I’d have to be strong when I faced my brothers and even stronger when facing Naomi and Caroline.
Where Angela and the kids were concerned, I needed to earn their trust back. I needed to show them I was not a bad guy, but just a guy who made some mistakes. I needed to show them how much I loved them, and I promised myself that I’d spend the rest of my life doing that.
I gave all the personal items in my cell to the other inmates. God blessed me with Angela’s support while I was in jail, but there were many men who had no one. Then, the guard called me for release.
Out-processing was worse than in-processing. A guard took his precious time sitting at his computer and searching all the data bases to see if I had any warrants. It was their way of keeping me in that hellhole for as long as possible.
It was about five thirty in the afternoon when I was finally and formally released. The sun was just starting to set and those warm orange rays felt like heaven on my face. The fresh air blessed my lungs. A cool breeze brushed against my neck like kisses from angels. I stood in silence for a few seconds and thanked God with my whole heart.
I looked for my car and found it parked right where Angela told me it would be. It felt weird, getting behind the wheel, and driving away. I hadn’t been behind a wheel in over six months. It took about thirty minutes to get used to the movement of my car. All I could think about was getting back to Angela and getting my life back on track.
The two-hour drive back to Virginia Beach felt like seconds. When I walked into the house, Angela greeted me with hugs and kisses.
She asked, “Babe, what happened? Where were you?” and I told her all about my day.
Chapter 18 – Angela
“I’m so glad you’re home,” I said to Ethan after hearing his story. “By the way, your family has been blowing up my phone. You need to call them.”
“Okay, Imma take a shower first, then I’ll call them.”
I sat in my bed listening to the water run while he took his shower. When he got out, he leaned over to kiss me and I handed him my phone. “Call ‘em,” I demanded.
He smiled, took the phone from me, and called them. He sat on the floor a few feet away from me, but I could hear everything that Naomi was saying to him.
“Hello,” she sharply answered.
“Hey mom, they let me out. I’m home.”
“Oh, well that’s good, son. Good to know you are safe. I’m here with Trinity. You should see her. She looks just like you.”
“Uh huh, okay.”
“When you coming to Kentucky?”
“I don’t know. I have to get some things straightened out here, first.”
“You know just ’cause Angela paid your bail doesn’t mean you have to stay there with her. You got no obligation to her.”
Ethan didn’t respond.
“Ethan, you hear me?”
“Uh huh.”
“Okay, well here’s Caroline. She want to talk to you, too.”
There was a pause as Naomi handed Caroline the phone. As soon as Caroline got on, she started cussing and yelling at Ethan. I rolled over in bed and Ethan got up and walked around.
He tried to interrupt her tongue lashing but he was far enough away that I only heard his side of the conversation. “Okay, you gonna come up here…Well you come up here, bring Trinity and leave her here and you go back…Yeah, leave her here. I’ll take care of her, but you go…You know what, do whatever the fuck you want…No…No…You know what? I’m not dealing with this. I just got out…Uh huh…Okay…Fine, Bye then. Bye.”
Ethan hung up the phone.
I looked at him and shook my head.
“Sorry,” he shrugged.
“It’s alright. I expected it.”
They called again but Ethan ignored it. They texted. Ethan texted back and then put my phone on silent mode.
“I’m not going to let them bring my mood down,” Ethan leaned over and kissed me. “I missed you so much.”
“I missed you too.”
He made love to me—and yes, it was the best two minutes of my life. Followed by the best twenty minutes, followed by the best seventy minutes. I was glad the next day was Saturday because Ethan wore me out.
I got an email from Caroline the next day:
Angela,
I don’t know what type of games you and Ethan tryna play, but I know that he was at your house way before he called. If we have to, Naomi and I will come up there and get him and bring him back to Kentucky. We know where you live. You will never be accepted into this family. Naomi will never call you daughter and it don’t matter how many kids you and Ethan have, they will never be accepted.
I replied:
Caroline,
Ethan and I aren’t playing games. As soon as he got home, I told him to call you guys. It doesn’t matter, anyway. I will no longer be talking to you or Naomi. I’m done.
She wrote back but I ignored it and blocked her email address. I blocked Naomi’s, too.
Then they started sending me harassing text messages. I ignored them. I’d just hand Ethan the phone and say, “They at it again.”
A week later, I bought Ethan a new cell phone—one that hadn’t been hacked. He didn’t want to accept it but I told him I no longer wanted to have any contact with Naomi or Caroline but if he wanted to still contact them, he’d need some way to do it. He agreed and reluctantly took the phone. Then I blocked Naomi and Caroline’s numbers on my own phone and deleted all the contact information I had for them.
That didn’t stop them, though. They started using spoofed numbers to call and text me. I didn’t answer any calls from unknown number or read any such texts. Instead, I ignored and blocked them. I wasn’t going t
o let them take my peace. I figured they’d stop after a while, but weeks went by and they were still at it.
“Ethan, you need to go to Kentucky and see your daughter,” I told him. I knew it was important for him to see Trinity. Besides, I was tired of Naomi and Caroline’s harassment. “If you need to stay, that’s okay.”
Ethan shrugged. “You know, all that time I was in jail they never once visited me. They never wrote me a letter. They didn’t even accept my phone calls. If it was so important to them for me to have a relationship with Trinity, don’t you think they would have done any of those things?”
“Yep. They could even have done video chats with you without having to leave Kentucky. I gave them all the information on how to do it. They never did. Nevertheless, it’s not Trinity’s fault. Maybe you should go down there for a couple of weeks.”
“Yeah,” Ethan agreed, “I will. Just gotta take care of some stuff.”
“What stuff?”
Ethan looked at me and then looked away, like he was wondering if he should tell me or not. After taking a deep breath, he explained “Naomi and Caroline wiped out my bank accounts. They’ve taken every dime of my retirement and disability checks over the last six months. They were supposed to use a third to help with Trinity, but they took it all. I’ve been trying to clear things up with the bank. I’ve also been trying to reach out to child support and all my other creditors to make payment arrangements. And I need to find a job and start paying on this child support before I end up in jail again. I’ve only got a few months. And I gotta get my shit together for court and get this divorce rolling. I just got a lot on my plate right now, but I hear what you’re saying. I’ll find time to visit them in Kentucky for a week or two.”
I understood and I left it alone.
A few days later, I came home from a long day at work and was not greeted at the door by my three rambunctious kids like usual, but Ethan was there.
“Hey, where’s the crazy people?” I asked him.
“David took Abigail and Aaron to the playground. They just left, so they should be gone for a little while.”
“Oh, so we’re alone,” I seductively batted my eyes as I sat closely next to him. Ethan smiled back and waggled his eyebrows. We started kissing and he carried me up to my room.
I snatched his shirt and pants off and started caressing his dick. He pulled down my pants and started to kiss my thighs.
“Mommy, I just…” Abigail burst through my bedroom door. She stood there in shock while Ethan and I frantically tried to put our clothes back on. Ethan jumped up and hid in the closet.
“Oh, shit,” I said out loud. I had been caught. Abigail stormed out of my room and I ran after her.
“Abigail!” I called out.
She turned around and tears were streaming down her face.
“What’s wrong? You okay?” I asked.
Ethan and I had been together for over a year, so I figured she knew that we were together. That we loved each other. That we were going to stick together through thick and thin. We had already been through so much and we were still together and still very much in love. I thought my very empathetic Abigail would be understanding, but she was hurt. She was upset.
“Mommy, why is he seeing you naked? You’re not married.”
I was shocked and confused that someone so young could understand the gravity of her words. Isaiah 11:6 came to mind, “…and a little child will lead them.”
I couldn’t defend my actions to her, but I tried. “Baby, Ethan and I love each other. We have been together for well over a year. We are not married yet, but as soon as we can, we will be. God knows my heart, and in my heart, Ethan is my husband.”
She nodded her head, but tears were still streaming down her face.
I felt convicted. Sometimes, it sucked being a Christian. Before I was saved, I didn’t see the world like I saw it after. I could listen to any kind of music, singing the words and jamming to the beat. But gradually, as I matured spiritually, I started to hear the sin in it. I could hear the spiritual warfare launched through it. I’d get nauseated when I heard a rap song or a pop song talking about murder, money, drugs, sex, scandal, witchcraft, or atheism.
I saw movies differently. I could see how some movies tried to infer that Christianity was bad or stupid. I have had my kids turn off movies because of the underlying anti-Christ messages I felt it was trying to portray.
I felt extreme guilt if I lied about anything, even if it was a white lie. If I hurt someone’s feelings, I was riddled with guilt until I apologized. If I walked past a homeless person, I felt compelled to fork over my spare change.
I loved Ethan. I planned on marrying him as soon as the law allowed, but I did feel guilty about sleeping with him. I tried to hide it and ignore it, but it was there. My daughter was making me come face to face with my wrongdoings. I walked back to my room where Ethan waited for me, “She okay?”
I shook my head no.
“You okay?”
I looked at him and shrugged, and shook my head no.
He wrapped his arms around me, and I asked, “What are we doing? We are not married. You are not divorced. Are we wrong? Is this bad? I love you. In my heart, you are my husband even though we can’t get married yet...and why can’t we? If we are meant to be together, why isn’t God moving this along faster? Why is your divorce taking so long? Why are there so many obstacles?”
“Babe, I think God is moving, it’s just in His time and in His way. In my heart, you are my wife, and I will marry you as soon as I can. It doesn’t matter what our friends or family think about us. What matters is how we feel about each other.”
“But it matters what God thinks of us. I want to be happy and you make me happy. I love making love to you and I don’t want to stop. But I also want God to be happy with me.”
“He is. You are loving and caring. You give. You serve. You even turn the other cheek when others are horrible to you. You are the sweetest person I know. I’m sure God is proud of all that.”
“Yeah, but all the good I do doesn’t justify my sin. And it sucks, too. I work so hard to do good and I can’t have my heart’s desire? I’m not liking this saintly life. I gotta sacrifice too much, and what do I get in return? A cold, lonely bed and unsatisfied desires. All I want is for you to be my husband and to be able to make love to you, carefree, any day and every day. God can do it with the snap of his finger, but he doesn’t. Why?”
“I don’t know why, Angela. But I know that this love that I have in my heart for you comes from God, and I know that the love you have for me in your heart has to come from God ’cause you loved me through a multitude of crap. I don’t think God would put that in our hearts if we weren’t meant to be.”
I felt warmed by his words, but I still felt guilty, “Sex is an expression of love, but it is designed by God exclusively for married people. I want to marry you. I plan on marrying you as soon as I can. And technically, we are not married. Sex outside of marriage is a sin.”
Ethan shrugged, “I like having sex with you and I don’t want to stop. It’s not because I don’t fear God. I fear Him immensely, but God knows our hearts and is merciful. And Angela, my heart is you. Let’s be real, if I were rich, my divorce would have been final a year ago. All Judge Wilcox has to do is sign them papers, but he’s not. Why? ’cause he wants them court fees paid, first. Right now, I can’t afford it. God knows that. I don’t think he’ll convict us because a corrupt judge won’t sign a piece of paper. Did he convict slaves when they were not allowed to legally marry and had to jump the broom instead? No. So why us?”
“I know. It just doesn’t seem fair.”
“Celibate or not, I love you and I’m here,” Ethan said as he gave me a kiss.
I continued to have sex with Ethan, but I felt like a hypocrite. I wore a cross around my neck proudly showing my Christianity, but I had a live-in boyfriend. What did others think of me? What did God think of me? I wanted
to love God and keep all his laws, but I was tired of sacrificing what I wanted.
I thought, maybe I should just stop going to church and stop promoting myself as a Christian ‘til I got my shit together. But I knew I couldn’t do that. Church was not a place for people who already had their shit together. It was a place for broken people to get whole. I had a lot going for me, but I was still broken. We all are.
There is a difference between shame and guilt. The Devil tries to shame us out of our destiny. He whispers in our ears or speaks through others saying, “You can never measure up to what God wants, so why even try? You are not a child of God ’cause you did this. You are so horrible that God hates you. You will not be blessed.”
But guilt? That’s God’s conviction of those he loves. He wants us to do right. Sin brings forth hurt and pain, and God doesn’t want any of his children to hurt. So, when we do wrong, he convicts us. It’s that little voice telling us to turn around.
It was okay that I felt guilt, but I didn’t need to let it put me to shame. I’d still go to church and still wear my cross.
I got on my knees and prayed the hardest prayer I ever had. “Dear heavenly Father. I come to You humbly knowing that I am a sinner and I don’t deserve any of the blessings You have given me. But Lord I pray for a miracle. I pray for forgiveness. I pray for mercy. I pray for discernment. And I pray that if it is not in Your will for Ethan and me to be together that You remove him from my life. I pray that You remove the feelings I have for him in my heart and remove the feelings he has for me in his heart. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.”
I was happy with Ethan. The sex was good, the way he treated my kids was awesome, and the way he served me was like no other. He was the best boyfriend I’d ever had. I was comfortable with him. You know, it’s easy to ask God to do His will in your life when you are struggling. It’s easy to follow God when you are uncomfortable and need a guide out of the pit. But when you feel good and your desires are being fulfilled, it’s hard to surrender. I didn’t want to tell God, “Let you’re will be done in my life,” because what if it was God’s will for me was not to be with Ethan? What if he took Ethan away from me? I would be crushed. I was so torn. I wanted to follow God but I did not want to stop having sex with Ethan, and I damn sure didn’t want God to take him away from me.