Something Like Hope

by Kris T. Bethke

  When he jerked and shook the whole table, I hid my smirk while everyone else protested. His apology sounded sincere as he reached under the table to massage his leg. Served him right. He needed to keep his opinions to himself. Of course, that didn’t stop him from smirking at me, and that just brought my focus back to the man who had made sure to be close to me all night.

  It wasn’t that Lucas was paying attention to me. He kept the conversation flowing at the table and included me in it when it was appropriate, but he didn’t focus solely on me. He didn’t even touch me. But he was right there at my side, his chair a little closer than normal, and constantly reminding me of his presence. Which wasn’t bad, exactly, but it was disconcerting. I tried not to read too much into his actions, even though I enjoyed the fact that he wanted to be close to me. Because I still had no idea what he was thinking.

  Eventually things started to wind down. It wasn’t that late, barely midnight, but I’d long ago learned that this party was to celebrate and enjoy each other off set, not an excuse for everyone to drink themselves stupid and party hard. There was work tomorrow anyway, even though I didn’t have to be on set. People started to say their good-byes and leave, and Lucas took the opportunity of the thinning crowd to lean forward and rest his elbows on the table.

  “You didn’t drink much tonight,” he said, turning his head in my direction and keeping his voice low.

  I snorted out a laugh, even as I shook my head. “That was a onetime thing. Not really me.”

  Lucas’s eyes danced with merriment as he studied me. I let him look, not breaking our eye-lock. I resolutely ignored the way my heartbeat picked up at his regard. He must have noticed though, because his gaze turned heated and he licked his lips.

  “Can we talk?”

  “Yeah.” I was proud that my voice didn’t shake. This was it. He was finally going to tell me where we stood. I was both dreading and looking forward to it. One way or the other, tonight I would have my answer.

  “Your place or mine?”

  I considered his question for a moment. I hadn’t been home much this past week, and I was sure that things were untidy. Besides, there was Optimus, and I was pretty certain my behemoth of a cat scared him a little. “Yours.”

  He nodded and stood. “Follow me?”

  It was my turn to nod.

  Lucas made his rounds, saying his good-byes, and my gaze tracked him as he circuited the room. I’d give him a little bit of a head start so it didn’t look too conspicuous, and then I would follow him out. Enough people were leaving that I wouldn’t draw attention.

  The nudge to my shoulder had me turning to face Dan, who’d left his seat across the table and come to sit next to me. His smile was kind, but his eyes were worried.

  “What’s going on with you two?”

  I gave a little shrug and answered truthfully. “I don’t know yet.”

  Dan nodded, absorbing that. His gaze roved all over my face. I wasn’t sure what he was looking for, but he must have found it because his expression relaxed and he blew out a breath. “Just be careful, okay? For both your sakes.”

  It was nice of him to be concerned, but I didn’t know yet if it was necessary. Truth was, I could get to Lucas’s place and he could tell me that the hassle wasn’t worth the risk. My gut clenched at the thought, and I pushed it away. I wasn’t going to speculate. I would hear what Lucas had to say, and then I would deal with whatever it was.

  “Yeah, of course,” I assured Dan, squeezing his shoulder as I stood. He reached up to pat my hand and gave me a smile. “Night, man.”

  “Have a good night.”

  The Camaro was idling in the parking lot by the time I made it outside. I gave Lucas a wave of acknowledgment and headed to my own sedan. A few minutes later we were on the road. I lost him at a light when he blew through a yellow, but I knew where I was going. Olive Way wasn’t far, and before too long I was pulling into guest parking. When I made it to the front door, Lucas was waiting, jiggling his keys in his hand. He gave me a tight smile and led me up to his apartment. We didn’t speak, and he kept a respectable distance between us. But as soon as he shut the door, locking out the rest of the world, he dragged me into his arms and held me tightly. He pushed his face right into the crook of my neck and inhaled deeply. I squeezed him back.

  We stood there in his kitchen for a long time, just hanging on to each other. Worry coiled in my gut. This felt like a last embrace. I really didn’t want him to tell me that he didn’t want to do this. I would respect it if he did. I would never force myself on him, and I wasn’t going to be one of those assholes who pushed and pursued an unwilling prey. But God, I didn’t want him to say that we wouldn’t have this again. I liked him, and I loved the things he did to my body. I really thought there could be more between us if he just allowed it. But the longer we stood there, the more I thought I wouldn’t get what I wanted.

  Eventually, his grip loosened. With another deep breath, he finally pulled back. His eyes were swirling with torment, and my stomach tightened. This was it. He was going to tell me that whatever we had was over before it really even begun.

  His right hand drifted up to cup my cheek, and his thumb swept across my cheekbone. His gaze tracked that motion for a long moment, before he focused on me. Our gazes locked, and he took a deep breath.

  “You’re all I think about,” he said softly. He tongue snaked out and swept his bottom lip. “But I was still going to tell you I couldn’t do this. That it wouldn’t be fair to you. That as much as I wanted to explore this between us, I just wasn’t able to.”

  When the silence stretched long enough that I was sure he wasn’t going to continue, I cleared my throat. “Was?”

  “Was,” he confirmed. Lucas stepped back, taking my hand and leading me toward the living room. Once we were seated on the couch, he put his arms around me and pulled me close. “I really was. But seeing you in Dan’s arms today? I hated it. I don’t want anyone else to touch you. But I can’t have both things. If I’m not with you, then you’re going to be with others. The thought of that—” He cut himself off with a sharp shake of his head.

  I was ready to throw myself into his arms, straddle his lap, and beg him to take me to bed. He was giving me what I wanted. But I refrained, because we had to make sure there were no misunderstandings between us before we moved forward.

  “Tell me what you want.” It was a demand, and Lucas smiled.

  “You. More of you,” he said, giving me back my own words from a week ago. I couldn’t help the grin and released a shaky laugh. That was exactly what I wanted to hear.

  He cupped my face in his hands so I had no choice but to look directly at him. I could see the seriousness there and held my breath.

  “I want to be clear though,” he said, his voice soft and earnest. “I won’t come out. It’s too big a risk to my career. Whatever we have is going to be only behind closed doors. I won’t make a big statement, and I won’t be taking you out and showing you off. If circumstances were different—”

  I leaned forward, cutting him off with a quick but hot kiss. Our lips parted with a quiet smack, and my smile was soft. “I understand that. I respect that. And I am fine with that.”

  His relief was a palpable thing, and it made my smile grow. He pulled me closer, dragging me right up over his lap as he squeezed me tight to his chest. His neck arched, bringing our lips within a fraction of an inch of each other, but then he stopped.

  “Can you stay the night?” His warm breath washed over my face, bringing with it the hoppy scent of beer and a little spice from whatever he had eaten. I wanted to taste it on his tongue.

  “Yes,” I murmured. But then I paused. “I’ll have to leave early. There’s no telling what Optimus will get into if he doesn’t get fed.”

  Lucas laughed, deep and from his belly, and then he turned us so that I was underneath him on the couch. I sighed and relaxed. I loved the feel of his weight pressing me down. I spread my thighs as much as I was able so he c
ould fit in between. Lucas kept himself propped up on his arms so that he could stare down at me. What I saw in his face made it hard for me to breathe. He wanted me so badly and damn if that wasn’t good for my ego.

  Suddenly, Lucas pushed himself up so that he was kneeling between my legs. Without taking his gaze from mine, he pulled his shirt off with a flourish and flung it to the side. My mouth went dry as his sleek muscles were displayed, and I reached up to touch. Lucas batted my hands away with a laugh, and then took the hem of my T-shirt in his hands, giving a little tug.

  “You, too.” His voice was a husky murmur, and I shivered. He worked the fabric up over my stomach, and I knew the way his knuckles brushed against my skin was deliberate. A shaky laugh escaped me as I used my stomach muscles to crunch up far enough so that he could work my shirt off. As soon it was gone, his hand on my chest urged me to lay flat again. I went willingly. I only had a moment to appreciate the soft and luxurious fabric against my back, before Lucas was plastering his body to mine and giving me a much better distraction.

  “You feel so good,” I murmured in his ear as he lowered his head. I knew what was coming and tipped my chin back to give him better access to my neck. Makeup wouldn’t be happy about having to cover the hickeys and bite marks, but I really didn’t care. My entire throat was one big erogenous zone, and I was perfectly happy to let Lucas exploit that.

  For having gone so long without this, Lucas certainly still knew what to do with his mouth. He spent long minutes sucking at my skin, biting gently and then soothing the sting with long swipes of his tongue. I dug my fingers into his back, holding on as I writhed beneath him. Every moment he didn’t move on past my neck, shoulders, and collarbone made me more desperate for him to do just that. I wanted his mouth all over me.

  “Lucas.” His name was a plea. I pushed gently at his shoulders, trying to get him to focus some attention on my chest and lower. But he wouldn’t budge. He actually had the audacity to laugh, the vibrations in his body serving to ramp me up further. Then his lips attached to that one spot just below my ear, and I went lax beneath him, the keening moan sounding like it was ripped from my toes.

  Lucas slowly lifted his head as he undulated his hips against me. The friction of the denim and zipper on my cock was excruciating. I groaned, my eyes rolling back in my skull, and I pulled my knees up to grip his waist.

  “Fuck me,” I pleaded. I didn’t care that I sounded desperate and needy, because I was.

  “Lube’s in the bedroom,” he muttered, gaze fixed to my throat. He licked his lips and then started sliding down my body. I squirmed. I was so hard and already leaking. There was no doubt a wet spot on my clothes, and I wanted my cock out of the confines of my jeans.

  “Don’t care,” I panted, digging my fingers into his shoulders hard before releasing my grip so I could slide them into his hair. “Really, really don’t care.”

  His smirk was a little smug, but then again, he had every right to be. He shook his head. “I’m not taking you dry.”

  I shuddered in a bad way at the thought of that. Yeah, that wasn’t happening. But I didn’t want to let him go long enough to go to the bedroom. “Use spit.”

  He gave me an incredulous look and then sat back on his heels. I whined at the loss of him and tried to pull him back, but he captured my hands. I went still, and he lifted my hands to kiss my knuckle. “I am not using just spit.”

  “I need you.”

  His smile was wicked. He dropped my hands and unbuttoned and unzipped my pants. He worked my jeans and underwear over my hips, and we both watched as my cock, flushed red and dripping, emerged. He took it in his hand, gave it a leisurely stroke, and then leaned forward.

  “God, you smell good.” His voice was husky. Then his tongue snaked out and lapped at the tip of my cock. “Taste good, too.”

  “Holy fuck,” I breathed out, unable to contain the sensations rioting through my body.

  “Later. I’ll fuck you later, after I’ve sucked you dry.”

  I was so turned on that just the feeling of his mouth on me almost sent me over. I didn’t try to censor the noise coming from my throat, and the whines, whimpers, and moans just seemed to spur him on. He licked and sucked, the suction strong, his tongue pressing in all the right places. I tried not to move because I didn’t want to gag him, but when his hands slid under my ass and squeezed my cheeks, I tentatively thrust up. He hummed and I squeezed my eyes shut, needing to hold on. But Lucas wasn’t having any of that. He tugged again, I thrust up, and the head of my cock slid into his throat. He swallowed.

  I screamed as my vision whited out, the pleasure too much to contain.

  I swear I must have blacked out for a moment. When I was finally able to open my eyes, Lucas was kneeling between my legs, a look of smug satisfaction on his face as he used his thumb to wipe away an errant drop of cum from his chin. When he stuck the digit in his mouth and sucked, all I could do was groan.

  “Dude, that…” I couldn’t even get words out. I gestured feebly with a hand, then gave him a thumbs-up. “So good.”

  Lucas laughed, a deep rich sound, and then carefully climbed off the couch. At some point he’d unzipped his own pants, and his cock was jutting obscenely through the opening, barely contained by black cotton. He caught me staring and framed the bulge with his hands.

  “Bring that here,” I growled, my voice gravelly from the screaming. Lucas smirked and took a step backward. Then another. I frowned.

  “Come to bed, Aaron.” His voice was low and cajoling. Even though my legs still felt like jelly, I wanted to follow that voice. With some effort, I wiggled out of my jeans. Leaving them on the floor, and wearing nothing but my socks, I did exactly that. I knew it would be worth it.

  Chapter 9

  I learned really quickly that one of the benefits to dating Lucas in secret was there was no pressure. We saw each other when we could. There were some long days on the set over the next few weeks, and some nights we ended up at our respective places with no more than a phone call that lasted only a few minutes. But it was good. I was happy. I liked the way his face lit up when he saw me, how he found excuses to squeeze my shoulder or brush up against me, and I really liked it when he dragged me into his dressing room between scenes and kissed me senseless. That’s as far as it ever went on set, but that was fine because I was not one who could be quiet during sex.

  Lucas took great pleasure in making me scream.

  We’d found a rhythm over the past few weeks, and it worked for us. If people noticed a change between us, they didn’t say anything. I did get a questioning eyebrow from Dan, and I think my shrug and nod was all the answer he needed. I didn’t know if Lucas told him anything more, and Lucas never brought it up with me. But that didn’t matter, because we were happy.

  We did more than just have sex. Lucas, it turned out, was big on talking and I couldn’t be more pleased about that. I loved lying in bed with him, my body sated and sore in the best possible ways, and just listening to him talk for hours. We usually ended up at his place, and I always felt like I was making a secret rendezvous when I met him at the delivery door at the back of his building. There were always a few members of the paparazzi hanging out at the front, trying to get a glimpse of him looking like a scruffy vagabond or catching him with whatever starlet he was banging. Little did they know who he was really sleeping with.

  Fortunately I didn’t have the same problem, and he’d come to my apartment a few times as well. My bed wasn’t as big or as comfortable, but Lucas never complained. I think he liked that he didn’t have to chase me all over the mattress to keep me wrapped in his arms. He was even making friends with my cat.

  The night before had been particularly good. We hadn’t been able to spend any time alone together in three days, and we’d barely seen each other on set. By the time I got to his apartment, it was after ten o’clock. But the instant I walked through his door, he’d pounced. I knew I was going to have a bruise on my abdomen from the edge of the count
er, but his intensity and dominance had turned me on so much that I hadn’t protested. Afterward, he was gentle as he cleaned up me and the cabinet and then led me to bed.

  “How have you been, baby?” he asked once he’d gotten me wrapped up in his arms and under the covers. The baby was new, but I found I liked it.

  “Good. A bit tired,” I answered. Then I cleared my throat and snuggled closer before I added, “I talked to my dad today.”

  Lucas went still, and the stiffness in his muscles was almost imperceptible. If I hadn’t been plastered against him, I probably wouldn’t have noticed. “Yeah? That’s good.”

  Oh, he wasn’t as good an actor as he thought if he thought that was fooling anybody. He knew how close I was with my parents, and my father in particular. I knew what he was worried about it, but I’d told him a week ago I didn’t keep things from my dad.

  “You don’t have to worry, you know. Not about my dad. He’d never say anything. And he’s glad we finally got together.”

  “I know. I’m just so used to no one knowing anything that—wait. What do you mean, finally?” He pulled back far enough that he could squint at me.

  I chuckled and blushed. “Yeah, well. Seems I’ve always talked about you a lot to him. He seemed to think I’d been nursing a crush since the beginning.”

  The squint became even more suspicious. “Have you?”

  I felt like my cheeks were on fire. “Maybe?” He gave me a little shake and I couldn’t help but laugh. “I didn’t know it! Or didn’t recognize it, anyway. I mean, you’re fucking hot, so there was that. But beyond that, I didn’t see it for what it was.”

  Lucas blew out a breath, then he pulled me back in. “That makes me feel like we wasted a lot of time.”