Collected Works of Frances Trollope

by Frances Milton Trollope

  “If you would let me go with you now, aunt, I shall have plenty of time to do all that remains while you are out with Mr. Morrison,” replied Agnes.

  “Agnes, you are, without exception, the most impertinent and the most plaguing girl that ever a widowed aunt half ruined herself to provide for.... But I won’t be bullied in this way either.... Stay at home, if you please, and do what I bid you, or before this time to-morrow you may be crying in the streets of London for a breakfast.... I should like to know who there is besides me in the wide world who would undertake the charge of you?... Do you happen to know any such people, miss?... If you do, be off to them if you please — the sooner the better; ... but if not, stay at home for once without grumbling, and do what you’re bid.”

  There was just sufficient truth mixed with the injustice of these harsh words to go to the heart of poor Agnes. Her aunt Compton, in reply to a letter of Mrs. Barnaby, written in a spirit of wanton impertinence, and in which she made a formal demand of one hundred pounds a-year for the expenses of Agnes, answered in great wrath, that she and Agnes both had better take care not to change their residence so often as to lose a parish settlement, for they might live to find that a much better dependence than anything they would obtain from her. This pettish epistle, received the day before they left Silverton, was carefully treasured by Mrs. Barnaby, and often referred to when she was anxious to impress on her niece a sense of her forlorn condition and helpless dependence. So all hope from that quarter seemed to be for ever shut out.... And could she forget that even at the moment when the dangers of her situation had so forcibly struck Lady Elizabeth Norris, as to make her approve what she had before declared to be worse than any home, — that even at that moment she had explicitly declared that neither herself nor her niece could take charge of her?

  These were mournful thoughts; and it was no great proof of Agnes’s wisdom, perhaps, that, instead of immediately proceeding to the performance of her prescribed task, she sat down expressly to ruminate upon them. But the meditation was not permitted to be long; for hardly had she rested her elbow upon the table, and her cheek upon her hand, in the manner which ladies under such circumstances always do, than she was startled by a violent knocking and simultaneous ringing at the street-door, followed, as soon as it was opened, by a mixture of two or three loud and angry voices, amidst which she clearly distinguished that of her aunt; and the moment after she burst into the room, accompanied by the gentleman who had appeared to admire her so greatly in the street the day before, together with two other much less well-looking personages, who stuck close upon the heels of Mrs. Barnaby, with more appearance of authority than respect.

  “You shall live to repent this treatment of a lady,” cried Mrs. Barnaby, addressing the hero of her yesterday’s adventure, who was no other than the keeper of the livery-stable from whom she had hired the carriage and horses which had dignified her existence for the last month. “You shall be taught to know what is due from a trumpery country tradesman like you, to a person of my fortune and station. What put it into your head, you vile fellow, instead of waiting my return to Cheltenham, to follow me to London in this abominable manner, and to arrest me in the public streets?”

  “It is no difficult matter to tell you that, Mrs. Barnaby, if that’s your name,” replied the man; “and you’ll find that I am not the only vile fellow holding himself ready to pay you the same compliment; though I, knowing the old saying ‘first come, first served,’ took some trouble to be the first.”

  “And do you really pretend to fancy, you pitiful creature,” cried Mrs. Barnaby, in a voice in which terror and rage were struggling,— “do you really pretend to believe that I am not able to pay your twopenny-halfpenny bill a thousand times over?”

  “Can’t say indeed, ma’am,” replied the man; “I shall not stand upon sending you to prison if you will discharge the account as here we stand, paying fees and expenses of course, as is fitting... Here are the items, neither many nor high. —

  £. s. d.

  Carriage and horses one month, twenty-five shillings per diem

  37 0 0

  Coachman’s livery, board, and wages

  20 0 0

  Footman’s ditto, hired to order

  25 0 0

  —— ——

  £ 82 0 0

  —— ——

  Deduct liveries, if returned

  12 0 0

  —— ——

  Remains

  £ 70 0 0

  —— ——

  And all our expenses and fees added won’t make it above 77l. or 78l. altogether; so, ma’am, if you are the great lady you say, you won’t find no great difficulty in giving me a write-off for the sum, and my good friends here shall stay while I run and get it cashed, after which I will be ready to make you my bow, and say good morning.”

  The anger of Mrs. Barnaby was not the less excited because what Mr. Simmons, the livery-stable keeper, said was true; and she seized with considerable quickness the feature of the case which appeared the most against him.

  “Your vulgar mode of proceeding at Cheltenham, Mr. Simmons, is, I am happy to say, quite peculiar to yourselves; for though, for my age, I have lived a good deal in the world, I certainly never saw anything like it. Here have I, like a woman of fortune as I am, paid nobly, since I have been in your trumpery town, for every single thing for which it is customary to pay ready money; and when a job like yours, which never since the creation of the world was paid except from quarter to quarter, has run up for one month, down comes the stable-man post haste after me with a writ and arrest. I wonder you are not ashamed of yourself.”

  “I dare say I should, ma’am, you talking so fine as you do, if I hadn’t nothing to put forward in return. I don’t believe, Mrs. Barnaby, but what you, or any other rich-seeming lady like you,... I don’t believe but what any such might have come to Cheltenham, and have run up debts to the tune of a thousand pounds, and not one of us taken fright at it, provided the lady had stayed quiet and steady in the town, where one had one’s eyes upon her, and was able to see what she was about. But just do now look at the difference. ‘The season’s pretty fullish,’ says one, ‘and trade’s brisk!...’ ‘That’s true,’ says another, ‘only some’s going off, and that’s never a good sign, specially if they go without paying....’ ‘And who’s after that shabby trick?’ says another:... ‘Neither more nor less than the gay widow Barnaby!’ is the answer.... ‘The devil she is!’ says one; ‘she owes me twenty pounds....’— ‘I hope you are out there neighbour,’ says another, ‘for she owes me thirty.... ‘And me ten’— ‘and me fifty’— ‘and me nineteen’— ‘and me forty,’ and so on for more than I’ll number. And what, pray, is the wisest among them likely to do in such a case? Why, just what your humble servant has done, neither more nor less.”

  “And what right have you, audacious man! to suppose that I have any intention of not returning, and paying all I owe, as I have ever and always done before?”

  “Nothing particular, except your just saying, ma’am, that you should be back in two days, and nevertheless not making yourself be heard of in ten, and your rooms kept, and your poor maid kept in ’em all the time too.”

  “This man talks like one who knows not what a lady is,” said Mrs. Barnaby, her eyes flashing, and her face crimson; “but I must beg to ask of you, sir,” turning to one of the Bow-street officials, “whether I am not to have time allowed for sending to my lawyer, and giving him instructions to settle with this fellow here?”

  “Why, by rights, ma’am, you should go to a sponging-house without loss of time, that we might get the committal made out, and all regular; but if you be so inclined as to make it worth while to my companion and me, I don’t think we shall object to keeping guard over you here instead, while you send off for any friends you choose to let into the secret.”

  “The friends I shall send to are my men of business, fellow!” replied Mrs. Barnaby, with the strongest expression of disdain that she could t
hrow into her countenance. “You don’t, I hope, presume to imagine that I would send for any one of rank to affront them with the presence of such as you?”

  “Fair words butter no parsnips, is a good saying and a true one;... but I’ll add to it, that saucy ones unlock no bolts; and if you expect to get out of this scrape by talking big, it’s likely you may find yourself mistaken.”

  “A bill must be a good deal longer than this is, man, before the paying it will be much of a scrape to me,” said the widow, affecting to laugh. “What a fool you are, Agnes,” she continued, turning to the corner of the room into which the terrified girl had crept, “what a prodigious fool, to be sure, you must be, to sit there looking as white as a sheet, because an insolent tradesman chooses to bring in a bill of a month’s standing, with a posse of thief-takers to back it.... Get up, pray, and bring my desk here... I wish to write to my attorney.”

  In obedience to this command, Agnes rose from her chair, and attempted to cross the room to fetch the desk, which was at the other extremity of it; but not all her efforts to arouse her strength sufficed to overcome the sick faintness which oppressed her. “Do, for God’s sake, move a little faster, child,” said Mrs. Barnaby; but Agnes failed in her habitual and meek obedience, not by falling into a chair, but by sitting down in one, conscious that her fainting at such a moment must greatly increase her aunt’s embarrassment.

  “I’ll get the desk, miss,” said one of the terrible men, in a voice so nearly expressive of pity, that tears started to her own eyes in pity of herself, as she thought how wretched must be the state of one who could inspire such a feeling in such a being; but she thanked him, and he placed the lady’s desk before her — that pretty little rosewood desk that had been and indeed still was the receptacle of my Lord Mucklebury’s flattering if not binding effusions; and as the thought crossed the brain of Mrs. Barnaby that she had hoped to make her fortune by these same idle papers, she felt for the very first time in her life, that perhaps, after all, she had not managed her affairs quite so cleverly as she might have done. It was a disagreeable idea; but even as she conceived it her spirit rose to counteract any salutary effect such a notion might produce; and with a toss of the head that indicated defiance to her own common sense, she opened her desk with a jerk, and began editing an epistle to Mr. Magnus Morrison.

  But this epistle, though it reached the lawyer in a reasonably short time after it was written, was not the first he received that day, ... for the Cheltenham post had brought him the following:

  “Dear Brother,

  “Don’t blame me if the gay widow I introduced to you the week before last, should prove to be a flam, as my dear father used to call it.... I am sorry to say there are great suspicions of it going about here. She left us telling everybody that she should be back in two days; and it is now more than ten since she started, and no soul has heard a word about her since. This looks odd, and bad enough, you will think; but it is not the worst part of the story, I’m sorry to say, paw de too, as you shall hear. When she first came to Cheltenham she took very good rooms ... a separate drawing-room, which always looks well ... and dress, and all that, quite corresponding, but no servants nor carriage, nor anything of the high-flying kind.... Now observe, Magnus, what follows, and then I think that you will come to a right notion of what sort of person you have got to deal with. No sooner did Mrs. Barnaby get acquainted with Lord Mucklebury then she set off living at the rate of some thousands a-year; and the worst is, as far as I am concerned, that she coaxed me to go round bespeaking and ordering everything for her. I know you will tell me, Magnus, that my father’s daughter ought to have known better, and so I ought; but, upon my word, she took me in so completely that I never felt a single moment’s doubt about the truth of all she said.... And I believe, too, that the superior sort of elegant look of that beautiful Miss Willoughby went for something with me. Having told you all this, it won’t be necessary, I fancy, to say much more in respect to putting you on your guard.... Of course, you will take care to do nothing in the way of standing bail, or anything of that sort ... paw see bate, you will say. All Cheltenham is talking about it; and I was told at breakfast this morning that Simmons, who furnished the carriage, horses, and servants, is gone to London to look after her; and that Wright the mercer, and several others, talk of doing the same. Too sell aw man we; but it can’t be helped.... So many people, too, come to me for information, just as if I knew any more about her than anybody else at the boarding table.... That queer Lady Elizabeth Norris sent for me yesterday, begging I would call upon her; and when I got there I found it was for nothing in the world but to ask me questions about this Mrs. Barnaby. And there was that noble-looking Colonel Hubert, who sat and listened to every word I uttered just as if he had been as curious an old woman as his aunt: maize eel foe dear, Magnus, that men are sometimes quite as curious as women.... However, they neither of them got much worth hearing out of me; and yet I almost thought at one time that the high and mighty Colonel was writing down what I said, for he had got his gold pencil-case in his hand; and though it was on the page of a book that he seemed to be scribbling, I saw plain enough by his eye that he was listening to me. You know, brother, I am pretty sharp, and I have got a few presents out of this fly-away lady, let what will come of it. But I could not help thinking, Magnus, — and if it was in a printed book it would be called a fine observation, — I could not help thinking how such a vulgar feeling as curiosity spoils the elegance of the manners. Lady Elizabeth, who has often told me that I speak the most exquisite French she ever heard, and who always before yesterday seemed delighted to have the opportunity of conversing with me in this very genteel language, never said one word in it all the time I stayed; and once when, as usual, I spoke a few words, she looked as cross as a bear, and said, ‘Be so good as to speak English just now, Miss Morrison.’ Very impertinent, I thought, may set eh gal. Don’t think the worse of me for this unfortunate blunder.... Let me hear how you are going on, and believe me

  “Your affectionate sister,

  “Sarah Morrison.”

  Mr. Magnus Morrison had by no means recovered the blow given him by this most unpleasing news, when a note from Mrs. Barnaby to the following effect was put into his hands.

  “My dear Sir,

  “A most ridiculous, but also disagreeable circumstance, has happened to me this morning. A paltry little tradesman of Cheltenham, to whom I owe a few pounds, has taken fright because I did not return to my apartments there at the moment he expected me ... the cause of which delay you must be aware has been the great pleasure I have received from seeing London so agreeably.... However, he has had the incredible insolence to follow me with a writ, and I must beg you to come to me with as little delay as possible, as your bail, I understand, will prevent my submitting to the indignity of being lodged in a prison during the interval necessary for my broker (who acts as my banker) to take the proper measures for supplying me with the trifling sum I want. In the hope of immediately seeing you,

  “I remain, dear Sir,

  “Most truly yours,

  “Martha Barnaby.”

  Mr. Magnus Morrison was not “so quick,” as it is called, as his sister Sarah, and in the present emergency felt totally unable to fabricate an epistle, or even to invent a plausible excuse for an absence, which he nevertheless finally determined should be eternal. He was ill-inspired when he took this resolution, for had he attended the lady’s summons, he might, with little trouble, have made a more profitable client of her yet than often fell to his lot. But he was terror-struck at the word BAIL; and forgetting all the beef-steaks, cheesecakes, porter, and black wine that he had swallowed at the widow’s cost, he very cavalierly sent word by the sheriff’s officer, who had brought her note, that he was very sorry, but that it was totally out of his power to come.

  On receiving this message, delivered, too, with the commentary of a broad grin, even Mrs. Barnaby turned a little pale; but she speedily recovered herself on recollecting how very e
asy and rapid an operation the selling out stock was; so, once more raising her dauntless eye, she said, with an assumption of dignity but little mitigated by this rebuff,... “I presume you will let me wait in my own apartments till I can send to my broker?”

  “Why, ’tis possible, ma’am, you see, that it may be totally out of his power too, like this t’other gentleman ... and we can’t be kept waiting all day.... You’ll have a trifle to pay already for the obligingness we have shewn, and so you must be pleased to get ready without more ado.”

  “You don’t mean to take me to prison, fellow, for this trumpery debt!”

  “’Tis where ladies always do go when they keep carriages without paying for them, unless indeed they have got husbands as can go for them; and as that don’t seem to be your case, ma’am, we must really trouble you to make haste.”

  “Gracious Heaven!... It is incredible!...” cried the widow, now really in an agony. “Why, fellow, I tell you I have thousands in the funds that I can sell out at an hour’s warning!”

  “So much the better, ma’am — so much the better for us all, as, in that case, we shall be sure to get our own at last; and if the thing can be settled so easily, it is quite beneath such a clever lady as you to make a fuss about lodging at the king’s charge for a night or so.... Pray, miss, can you help the gentlewoman to put up a night-cap, and such like little comforts, ... not forgetting a small provision of ready money, if I might advise, for that’s what makes the difference between a bad lodging and a good one where we are going.... Dick ... run out and call a coach, will you?”