Collected Works of Frances Trollope

by Frances Milton Trollope

  “Yes, sir, that is my profession, I am a major in the army, and hold also an appointment on the staff, which I am sorry to say will not permit my being long absent from home. It is a sad punishment for an enlightened Englishman, after once finding himself in the United States, to feel that he shall be obliged to leave them again,” said the major, with a sigh.

  “I expect it must, sir,” returned his new acquaintance.

  “Then you don’t calculate,” he added, after pausing for a moment, “upon continuing here for the purpose of making any speculation in the mercantile line.”

  “No, sir, I have no idea of the kind. My duty, unfortunately, calls me elsewhere.”

  “Then you are only here to take a stare at us, I guess, like the Test of the world. Nobody, I expect, counts themselves right down well educated in these days without having come a few thousand miles to look at the citizens of the United States,” observed Mr. Gabriel Monkton, the natural harshness of his adust countenance a good deal softened. “It is pretty considerable much of a compliment that; I don’t see the way to deny it, that’s a fact. And pray, major, may I ask the favour of your name?”

  Major Allen Barnaby had meditated more than once since leaving New York upon the probable advantages and disadvantages of once more making some little alteration in his name; but not having fully decided upon the measure, he was now in a manner compelled to decide against it, for he instantly remembered the numerous packages which bore labels which would not do to contradict, and he therefore answered, though perhaps with some little shadow of hesitation —

  “My name, sir, is Allen Barnaby. Permit me to present to you Mrs. Allen Barnaby.”

  The Yankee bowed stiffly, so stiffly, indeed, that my heroine, who had rarely in the course of her eventful life found it so difficult to draw attention to herself, soon became weary of finding herself en tiers where she was not locked upon as a principal, and walked off to a sofa near the stem of the vessel, where two smart locking ladies were already seated, whom she flattered herself she should find means of rendering more sociable than the stiff Mr. Gabriel Monkton.

  CHAPTER XXXIX.

  MRS. ALLEN BARNABY was not better pleased at leaving the grim-looking Mr. Gabriel Monkton, than he was at losing her company. He was not particularly fond of ladies’ society at any time, and just now he thought the wife of his new acquaintance particularly in the way. No sooner was she fairly gone than he changed his tone and manner entirely, and entered at once upon the national cross-examination, to which all strangers are subjected, if intended to be noticed at all.

  “And which way, I wonder, may you be travelling, sir, in order to see the most and the best of us?”

  “My object at present, sir, is to see something of your magnificent lakes.”

  “The lakes? Yes, sir, the lakes are magnificent, unaccountable, there’s no doubt of it. And where might you happen to start from last?”

  “Why we have been a good while merely travelling about from place to place, in order to see everything without allowing ourselves time enough to stay very long anywhere,” said the major.

  “But where did you start from sir, this trip?” persisted the Yankee.

  “Why positively I forget the name of the place. I have a dreadful head for names,” replied the Englishman.

  “Indeed! Well, then, what was the name of the last place you stopped at, that you do remember?”

  “Oh! Baltimore was the last place at which we made any considerable halt. And West Point,” added the major, apparently much delighted by the sudden recollection; “yes, I remember, now, we passed a fortnight at a place called West Point most delightfully.”

  “Indeed?” returned Mr. Gabriel Monkton, with rather a comical accent. “Then I expect that though you are from the old country you have got some relations or connections in the new one?”

  “No, indeed! We have no such advantage,” replied the major, “I am sure I wish we had, it would be delightful. But why, sir, should you suppose this likely?”

  “Well now, in point of fact, I can’t realise the notion of any one who has not got relations, either among the lads or the professors, — I can’t realise, I say, any one biding at West Point a whole fortnight, because everything curious there can be seen in two or three hours,” observed Mr. Gabriel Monkton.

  “That is perfectly true, certainly,” returned Major Allen Barnaby, with a good-humoured smile; “but yet, somehow or other, the place had an indescribable charm for us. Perhaps it might arise from its striking resemblance to a favourite scene with winch we are familiar at home.”

  “In the way of a military college do you mean, sir, or just in point of location?” demanded the persevering inquirer.

  “Both, my dear sir, both,” replied the major, readily. “I have two nephews, whom I perfectly adore, at our military establishment at Sandhurst; and this circumstance, together with the extraordinary similarity of the scenery, produced a most remarkable effect upon us all. My dear wife, who is in all respects most completely a second self to me, was inconceivably touched by the coincidence, and this it was which induced us to remain there so long.”

  “And what’s the name of the great river, Major Allen Barnaby, what answers to our Hudson at our college? It must be pretty considerably larger, I expect, than they have set any of your rivers and streams down in the maps; at least I can’t say that I have ever realised any river in England to be equal to our Hudson. What may be the name, sir, of that one that runs below your military establishment?”

  “It is the Thames, sir,” replied the major, boldly, “which, though not perhaps quite so large just at Sandhurst as the Hudson is at West Point, is, nevertheless, a very noble stream, as I suppose you know.”

  “Why, as to that, sir, everything goes by comparison,” returned Mr. Gabriel Monkton; “and may I be so bold as to ask whether you found the discipline at West Point as much resembling your Sandhurst as the location does?”

  “I should say, sir,” returned the judicious major, “that the arrangements of all kinds at West Point were incomparably superior to ours; and though my nephews are devilish fine-looking lads, it is impossible not to allow that the American young gentlemen make altogether a much finer appearance. They carry themselves so admirably.”

  “Likely enough, sir,” was the complacent reply. “We mostly reckon that, upon a fair comparison, and an honest judgment, the citizens of the United States are the finest race that Providence has, as yet, created upon the earth. And now, sir, may I take the freedom to ask which way you are going?”

  “Why, upon my word, sir, I am hardly able to answer you,” replied the major, with another of his frank and pleasant smiles. “The fact is, you see, sir, that we are travelling so wholly and solely for pleasure, that we took a resolution, at the very beginning, to fix upon nothing, but to go just here, there, and everywhere, as whim and fancy might dictate. You may depend upon it, sir, this is the way to enjoy travelling.”

  “Well, I don’t know; it may perhaps to you gentry of the old country, who ain’t, I expect, particular famous for knowing your own minds; but we American citizens prefer for the most part, I calculate, knowing when we set out to what place we are going,” returned Mr. Gabriel Monkton, with a queer little smile.

  “Then may I ask, sir, to which point of this most beautiful lake you may be bound,” demanded the major, gaily, “as that perhaps may assist me in coming to a-decision. I should be delighted; I assure you, in retaining the pleasure of your society as long as possible.”

  “The boat stops to wood, and put down, and may be take up passengers at Cleveland, and it’s a place that in course, like all our towns, has its beauties and recommendations, but nevertheless it is not desirable to stop at for long, in comparison of Sandusky,” was the answer.

  “Then it is to Sandusky, sir, I presume that you purpose going, yourself?” said the major. —

  “Yes, sir, to Sandusky,” replied the other; Major Allen Barnaby then politely touched his hat and walked
off. Having marked the direction which his lady had taken when she walked off before him, the major, with very proper conjugal feelings took the same, which soon brought him in sight of the sofa where Mrs. Allen Barnaby had taken refuge, and on which she still sat, together with the two ladies whom she had found there. The-excellent husband’s amiable feelings in seeking her were immediately rewarded by seeing her rise from her place the moment she perceived him, and come forward to take his arm.

  “Well, I have been questioned enough, I hope, for one bout,” said Mrs. Allen Barnaby, as soon as they had moved out of hearing.

  “In my life I never met with such curious people as those two women.” —

  “Then I hope you have been cautious as they were curious, my dear?” said the majors leaking a little anxious. “I have been undergoing a sharp questioning also and my answers were calculated to give as little information, as possible. I hope and: trust that yours were given in the same spirit, for it would be rather suspicious if we were caught telling different stories.”

  “Then all we have gotta hope, major, is, that your curious man, and my curious women, do not belong to the same party; for as sure as the sun’s in heaven, I have answered pretty nearly the truth to every question they have asked; except, you know, just for setting oneself off a little, which of course every body does when they are talking about themselves to strangers; one must blaze away a little then or never; but excepting trying to make them think that I was a distant relation to blood royal, or something of that sort, I give you my honour I have not told a angle lie.”

  “Then I give you my honour, Mrs Allen Barnaby, that you are considerably more of a fool than I gave you credit for. After all I told you at Saratoga, I do think you might have found some better theme to descant upon than the explaining at full length where we came from and all the rest of it,” replied her husband, frowning.

  “I never said a single syllable about you, my dear,” replied Mrs. Allen Barnaby; “I only talked a little of our delightful season at the Springs, and I’m sure you had nothing to do with that, not even the paying for it. Besides, it’s nonsense making a fuss, Donny, what’s done is done. If you had any particular lies of your own that you wished me to tell, you should have said so. You know perfectly well, my dear, that I consider it quite a matter of duty in all that sort of thing, to do exactly what you desire. However, I flatter myself there is no harm done, for the chances are fifty to one that your man and my women don’t belong to each other.”

  “Don’t they?” retorted Major Allen Barnaby, in a tone much less amiable than usual. “Just look to the right, if you please.”

  Mrs Allen Barnaby did look to the right, and thereupon certainly saw reason to doubt the accuracy of the opinion she had thus expressed; her fifty to one would have been a losing bet, for there stood Mr. Gabriel Monkton in the very closest converse with the two ladies she had just quitted, evidently listening to some information they were bestowing upon him with great attention; and what made this circumstance the more alarming, was that the very instant she turned her head towards them, they exchanged sinister glances, and ceased to speak.

  The major was evidently much annoyed, but his usual excellent judgment prevented his indulging himself in reproaches to his admirable helpmate on the contrary, he said to her with the same, flattering air of confidence as usual —

  “We have certainly got into a scrape, my Barnaby, with these, confounded people, and all we can do now is to get quit of them as soon as possible. It will be best, too, not for us to seem confaburlating and consulting together, so you go your way, and I’ll go mine; but remember, we must both of us cany with, us eyes and ears, which may be more profitably used than our tongues.”

  So saying, he walked away, leaving his penitent with determined to atone for her indiscretion by keeping so sharp a look-out as might enable them to guess if any disagreeable consequences were likely to arise from her having given one account of their party, and her dearly beloved husband another.

  These good resolutions were soon rewarded with the success they deserved; for upon her retiring to the ladies’ cabin, and turning into one of the little beds which occasional rough weather upon this inland sea rendered necessary, she speedily found herself in the most favourable position passible for ascertaining how much mischief she had done.

  On this occasion it may be observed, that the weather was peculiarly fine, and on the bosom of Lake Erie as calm and as unruffled as the gentle canal in St James’s Park. It was not, therefore, from any feeling of indisposition that my heroine thus withdrew herself, drawing the muslin curtains between herself and the rest of the world, so as to prevent any chance of her being seen; on the contrary, she never was in better health, or with spirits more on the alert to catch everything which might come within reach of her ambushed ear.

  Ere she had remained ten minutes in the retreat thus cleverly chosen, two young ladies entered the cabin together, one of whom she immediately discovered to be the youngest of the two curious fair ones she had encountered on the deck.

  “Oh my! This is jam, Arethusa,” exclaimed this pretty daughter of an ugly father, for she was in truth no less a personage than the sole heiress of Mr. Gabriel Monkton. “We shall have some capital fun this frolic. Pa and ma between ’em have come right down upon a set of Englishers, who are sailing under false colours. There never was such a man as pa, I expect, for catching out folks of this sort!”

  “Well! I’m sure that if I was at the top of the tree, he should just have a statue for it,” replied the animated Arethusa, adding with still greater energy, “all the English are, to my fancy, first-rate disgusting. But what is that your pa has found out this time?”

  “Oh my! It is just a proper Yankee bit of cleverness, I promise you; but I can’t just go it all over now, ‘cause I must go up again as soon as I have fixed my curls, to help ma find out some more if she can; but I can tell you this much, that pa means to watch this major, as he calls himself, pretty close, and swears he shan’t go on shore without having him at his heels. And what’s to come next, I can’t say, but pa will take care of that; and ma says, that she calculates upon our having the fun of seeing ’em marched oft to prison. Come along, Arethusa, what a slow girl you are! I have done fixed my hair, spit-curls and all, before you have done twiddling with your collar.”

  The fair friends then departed, leaving Mrs. Allen Barnaby to meditate on what she had heard. She did meditate, and to some purpose too, for before she again squeezed her ample person through the all too narrow entrance to the bed on which she reposed herself, she had fully arranged the mode and the means by which she should extricate her husband from the inconvenience likely to arise from her having stated that they came from one place, while he had as positively declared they came from another.

  She knew better, however, than to make her way up to the deck by the stairs leading from the ladies’ cabin, which might perchance betray rather too plainly to the young beauties, who had just taken that direction, how indiscreetly they had chosen the place of their late conference. —

  Passing through the gentlemen’s cabin, therefore, and reaching the deck at its extremity, she was presently leaning over the gallery-rail at a point almost as far removed as possible from the retreat where she had so cleverly lain in ambush; and here, having for some time espied her, the cautious major at length ventured to join her.

  “Well,” said he, taking his place close at her side, and placing himself in an attitude that seemed to manifest great interest in the breaking of the “wavelets” against the planks of the vessel, “well, have you made any discoveries, my dear?”

  “Discoveries!” she repeated, “I believe I have made discoveries. But never mind, Donny; don’t agitate yourself. I’ll get you out of this scrape, as cleverly as I did from that of Big-Gang Bank.”

  She then hastily but very intelligibly recited what she had heard, but upon his uttering a few expletives, indicative of some slight irritation of temper at the disagreeable turn th
e adventure seemed likely to take, she stopped him somewhat authoritatively, saying, with an uplifted finger and a flashing eye —

  “Not another word, Major Allen Barnaby, in the way of reproach or complaining, or I leave you to your fate! Difficulties seem but to excite and expand my genius, and I feel the same happy confidence in my own powers, which I ever have done through every stage of my remarkable existence; but in order to enable me to put this to profit, you must give my powers full scope, major. If you will let me have my own way, and do exactly what I bid you, I’ll have you on shore at Cleveland, without letting that odious scarecrow of a man know one bit about it, any more than that tall chimney there.”

  “Set about it, then,” returned her husband, with more sharpness of tone than was usual with him, for he was in truth too thoroughly vexed at the result of her tattling communications to be at all disposed to encourage the vapouring style she had assumed. For one moment she looked at him earnestly, and seemed doubting whether she should resent his want of politeness and abandon him to his fate, or generously forgive his petulance, and again extend her helping hand to save him. The very wise second thought which suggested the impossibility of punishing the contumacious major alone, at once decided the question, and with a smile, half playful, half reproachful, she said —

  “Come, come, Donny, no sour looks, if you please; only be grateful, and acknowledge as you have sometimes done before, that I am your good angel, and I will take care that you are a free man still.”

  “Forgive me, my Barnaby,” said the again smiling major, “if I permitted myself to doubt for a moment that my cause was a safe one, if you undertook its defence. But what in the world is it that you propose to do, my dear love? I protest to you that I think this business is a very awkward one.”

  “Not a bit of it,” replied his wife, cheerily. “Pray, my dear, do you think you have sufficient strength of mind to endure with tolerable composure the seeing me exceedingly ill again?”