Wham!

by Carol Marrs Phipps

  “Are you Ocker?” said Bart in the head of the raven when the pair of them had come most of the way down to him.

  “Changing Woman!” awked Ocker, as he and the female immediately veered away and flew straight for the top of the distant bluff.

  Bart flew after the pair with everything he had, but even so, fell far enough behind that they were waiting for him when he arrived at the bluff and settled onto the prominence before them with a shake of his feathers. “Good afternoon,” he said in the female's head. “Bart, crow errant, at your service. And you?”

  The female stood right up from her nest with a pop of her beak. “I am Urr-Urr, top raven in this forest, owner of everything I see from this nest,” she awked with her neck bristled out like a pine cone. “And I dislike the sound of your voice in my head!”

  “And he's Changing Woman, no matter how he looks,” said Ocker.

  “Very well,” said Bart in Urr-Urr's head. And he turned into Morrigan at once.

  “Strumpet! Hoore!” awked Urr-Urr, more bristly than ever. “This wenche be the paramour you tried to cheat away from Talking Father! Bite her! Fly in her face! Push her off the ledge!”

  “Urr-Urr! If I push her off, she'll just fly away. Maybe she's here to make a deal.”

  “Indeed I am,” said Morrigan as she settled onto a rock by Urr-Urr's nest and adjusted the robe of her kirtle across her knees just so. “I happen to have a couple of urgent questions...”

  “And what will you pay for the answers, queinte?” said Ocker, giving his feathers a shake and sleeking down. “My customers pay us well.”

  “The decaying manor house at the foot of the bluff,” said Morrigan, “you say it's yours, Urr-Urr?”

  “Every last tile and stone,” said Urr-Urr, lifting her beak.

  “Do you have trouble with squatters?”

  “We had a whole army of stinking Beaks in there once, and we like to never got rid of the curses.”

  “Ah!” said Morrigan. “Then Ocker still isn't casting wards?”

  “You're not, are you?” said Urr-Urr, turning to Ocker.

  Ocker looked at her with one eye.

  “For the whole building?” said Urr-Urr. “Maybe he doesn't have enough power.”

  “Ah, but he does,” said Morrigan. “He had the power to hold me in his spell. He could easily cast a ward keeping anyone he chooses away from the manor and this entire bluff together.”

  “Yea?” said Ocker. “So how do I do it?”

  “Take your stick. Picture what you want to protect and say: I cast this ward to keep out whomever it is you want to keep out.”

  “Right. And now I should answer your two questions as if schyt smells sweet and you would never deceive me. And how do you know about my stick?”

  “Then try it, if you must,” said Morrigan. “Cast a ward over the house to keep out Urr-Urr and see if she can land on the roof.”

  Ocker flew down to his hiding place on the face of the bluff, got his stick and returned to cast a ward excluding Urr-Urr from the manor house at the foot of the bluff.

  The moment he had done this, Urr-Urr hopped out of her nest, trotted to the edge and dove for the house's roof, intending to land on the biggest gargoyle. Halfway there, she was knocked aside, tumbling in the air. She quickly recovered her flight and tried once more, only to be knocked aside again.

  “So what are your questions, Changing Woman?” said Ocker as Urr-Urr settled back on her nest.

  “The stars,” said Morrigan, “have you taken them down from the sky?”

  “They're still up there...”

  “Yeh. In this time. But how about seven hundred years from now, in the future where I've been living? I haven't seen a single star for years upon years.”

  “I have not taken down any stars,” said Ocker with a snap of each wing. “I put them up in the beginning and I had to add some after the fall of Demonica and Spitemorta. But I am no vandal.”

  Morrigan gave an appreciative nod. “I came here by way of the Fairy paths,” she said. “And I was surprised that they didn't respond to my mention of Meri Greenwood. Do you know where he is?”

  “He has no interest in leaving this time,” said Ocker. “I think he's been staying off the paths. I can find him.” And with that, he flew over the precipice and down to his hiding place in the rock face, grabbed up his scrying marble and returned to where Morrigan was sitting. He set down the marble and pecked at it, rolling it this way and that. “There he is,” he said. “I'll take you to him, but you'll have to change back into a crow.”

  “I'd be obliged,” said Morrigan and immediately changed back into Bart.

  “Take the other end of my stick,” said Ocker. And the pair of them vanished.

  A nauseating whirl of colors rushed through Bart's head and they found themselves in the air over Meri, who was busy watering his cattle. “Bye,” said Ocker, leaving Bart hovering by himself.

  Bart tried to call out: “Meri!” in Greenwood's head, but Meri seemed not to notice. Bart landed on the bricks of the well, but Meri did not seem to see him either. He turned into Morrigan at once. “Good afternoon Meri,” she said, touching his sleeve as he snapped the bail of his empty bucket onto the rope and dropped the bucket into the well.

  Meri did not notice her at all as he drew up the full bucket of water.

  Morrigan changed into an Orin white face cow and shoved her way between the other cows at the water tank. “Hey Meri!” she bawled as he poured out the bucket.

  Meri saw no shouting cow whatsoever.

  The cow turned back into Morrigan at once, but this time the feathers of her crest were long and fancy and all of the colors of the rainbow and her bodice and hanging sleeves were brightly colored lace. “O Mer-i!” she sang in her beautiful voice.

  “What?” he said, abruptly setting down his bucket.

  “Kellen is gone,” she said. “He was taken away by the Children and Family Assistance police. And you have two granddaughters. Did you know? And one of them was taken away as well. And I would swear that everything on the planet is about to die.”

  “Plese to comen in-side, Morrigan,” he said “Celeste everydel of this needeth to heere.”

  Chapter 12

  “Hey Drake,” said Tess as he opened his door. “I hope I'm not bothering you.”

  “You're no bother,” he said, stepping outside. “What has you out so early? Whoa! Watch out for the glass.” He backed inside as Tess got a rag from her bicycle's basket and brushed away the glass sticking to the soles of her shoes.

  “So, what's up?” he said, whisking aside a place to put his foot as he came back out with a broom, dustpan and shoes.

  “Oh waiting for Trent and Jasmine to show up... Eew!” she said, looking at the door behind him. “So...”

  “Eew what?”

  “That looks like dog manure on the door handle, is all...”

  Drake turned right about and looked. “Fates forbid!” he said, yanking his fingers away from his nose.

  “Must be,” she said, looking him up and down. “So, I was wondering if you could come hold my hand until they get moved in.”

  Drake whisked at the door handle for a moment. “I don't blame you,” he said, squatting to sweep at the glass. “The problem is if I come, I may not help matters as much as we'd like, since Jasmine was the very one who left me with this mess. Look. You don't want to trust either one of them any further than you can throw them. I really wish Maud had found a way to keep them from moving in with you.”

  “Me too. But what happened to change your mind about them? Wow! I can see places where she's hit the house with dirt and rocks all over.”

  “Oh it probably has as much to do with my history with her (well both of them, actually) as it has to do with what happened last night,” he said, going on with his sweeping as he talked. “She was trying to make advances and got pushy enough that she ended up calling Nia a whore, so I threw her out.”

  “And that's how come the glass and dog po
op?”

  “Yep,” he said, setting aside his pan of glass and sitting on the steps. “And by itself, that shouldn't be enough to make you not trust them. But somehow I can't believe that she has any romantic feelings toward me at all. So I'm left with the feeling that she or both of them are up to something. I have no idea what it would be, but they do have a mean streak and they do steal things, and they're always getting even with somebody. I'm not very proud of having dated her the short time I did, if y' want to know.”

  “I can sure see why you'd not want any more Jasmine,” she said, wheeling her bicycle away from the hackberry it was leant against. “I don't want you to come back with me and have to deal with her. I'll be all right.”

  “Well if you're certain I'm not standing you up, then. So be careful with them.

  And Jasmine said Trent was making a big deal out of trying to impress you, so you really need to be. And I do feel like I'm letting you down...”

  “I'll be fine. Really. Don’t give it another thought.”

  “Only if you promise to get hold of me the minute either of them gives you the least bit of trouble.”

  “Deal,” she said, mounting her saddle and pushing off.

  “Hey,” he called out. “Tell me how it went, this evening. All right?”

  “Bye!”

  “Ha!” he said as she rode out of sight. “I know.” And with that, he hurried back inside for his own bicycle.

  * * *

  “So,” said the watcher in the skinny by the toaster, “are we anxious for our new room-mates to move in then, Tess?”

  Tess dropped her toast jam side down on the table top. “Oh yef!” she said with a mouthful, whisking at the front of her tee-shirt. “I can't wait to live with people my own age.”

  “That sounds promising, Tess. Of course we'll have to verify this with what we see in the weeks ahead. And Children and Family Assistance will have its inspection any time.”

  “I shall be ready,” she said. “In fact, I can't wait to show off this new page in my life.”

  “I don't believe you.”

  “Well it would please me for you all to have a peek any time. Besides, that's the very reason I did my hair.”

  “Splendid then,” he said and winked out.

  Tess turned away from the ball. “Bastard!” she mouthed in silence. “All it takes is a cheery word with the skinny to leave me shaking,” she thought as she saw to her capsized muffin.

  She was just mopping the table top when there came a knock. “Yes!” she called out as she hurried to rinse out her rag. She drew a breath to calm her butterflies as she dried her hands and opened the door.

  “It's about time!” said Jasmine, blustering right in with her heavy cardboard box. “I was wondering if you were going to let us in at all.”

  “Sorry,” said Tess, taken aback at this. “Here are your rooms, then. They were mine and Nia's. Your choice.”

  “Girly wallpaper in in both, I see,” said Trent. “Which was yours?”

  Tess gave a nod at her old door.

  “Then it's mine,” he said, stepping in and setting down his box.

  “Thanks for letting me in on the choosing, clod,” said Jasmine, turning her gum over with her tongue. “So why aren't you still in it, Tess?”

  “I took Mom and Dad's,” said Tess, offering nothing further. She gave them keys, told them that she wanted to divide up chores as soon as they were moved in and went right to her new room and closed the door.

  “You'd think she'd help,” said Jasmine, planting a fist on her hip. “Bad enough that the stupid driver sits on his butt out there and says he's not required to help.”

  It was plain to Tess that this was where she would be spending most of her time from now on. She listened to them bickering and trading insults as they tramped in and out. After a while, she heard the house grow quiet and the Children and Family moving van start its engine and pull away. When she peered into the kitchen, she found the outside door standing open. She went out, sat on the steps and listened to the starlings and sparrows in the mottled shade of the burr oak.

  “Hey baby girl,” said Maxi from beside the oak's trunk, giving Tess a start. “You be surprised to see me by my own self?”

  “I'll say! How did you get all the way up here by the steps without me seeing you?”

  “I scratchy-head not know,” he said. “I not never looky-look with you own eyeball-peepers. But it do be sun in sky. I just walky-walk with my own foots,” He held up a foot as if she needed to see that he had one.

  “Yeh. But it's not even dark. What brings you here?”

  “Drake thinky-think it might be good head-nod for me to meet-see you new house-piggies. Byside, I wear these dark spectacle-glasses so I see in eye-burn light.”

  “House-piggies is probably a good name for them. And I'm glad he did. What's in the sack, more roast?”

  “Yeh,” he said as he sat beside her. “I bring more before moon go 'round. You want mincy-chop cow next time?”

  “Hamburger? I've never had that. Sure.”

  “I bring what you want, but there no be hogs out where I hunt. It be a while if you want hog.”

  “Minced beef is fine. I'd love some.”

  “Dyrney never say chop cow be hogburger. But if you want to juicy-champ cowburger, I mincy-chop next piece of cow I bring. You want me to shakey-head leave out ground up bone?”

  “No bone please, if you don't mind.”

  “Bone give nice juicy-crunch,” he said with a passionate flourish. “But no bone for Tess. Kellen no like bone neither-how. And if you juicy-champ cowburger, you need sliced-up 'taters boiled in hog fat. I still have hog fat. I bring it too.”

  “That would be wonderful,” said Tess. “Let me put this inside. I'd be polite and ask you in, but we have a skinny in each room.”

  “It be all right head-nod. I just sit out here. No want woofy copper-goons be here on my account.”

  “So what did Drake say about my new house-piggies?”

  “He say girl have disposition like dirty thunderbox. And he say boy want you be for his easy-free grinny-face hump-mount.”

  Tess gave a careful nod, but she could tell that her face was hot.

  “Well that boy need good head-thump,” said Maxi with a decisive nod. “And any- when he need, you just say. And there be places he need you to kick. I be head-nod to show you where-be to kick-smash any-when.”

  “Uh-oh!” said Tess. “I guess everything's already moved in. Here they are on their bicycles.”

  “Hey Tess,” said Jasmine with a look at Maxi as she dismounted. “So who's your troll friend?”

  “This is Maxi, a good friend of my family for years and years.”

  “The Maxi who does hair and stuff?” said Jasmine.

  “Sure is,” said Tess. “He did mine.”

  “Well I've thought about going to Broadstreet to have him do my hair,” said Jasmine. “It's just that, well, it is against the law for us to even go there or have anything to do with them at all. And I can't imagine his hairdo being worth what I hear he charges. You know?”

  “No problem then,” said Maxi. “I just came to say that I be looky-look out for her.”

  “That's a threat,” said Jasmine, closing one eye. “Isn't it?”

  “I be big smile any-when you see,” he said. “I looky-look out for her since her family all be jump-grabbed and gone.”

  “Yeh?” she said, leaning her bike against the house and turning about. “Well we lost our family the same way. And we've been on our own ever since, so we can take care of Tess just fine without your help. Besides, you're putting Tess at risk just by sitting here, troll. If anyone sees you and turns in her sweet fanny, who knows what the coppers would come and do.”

  “Speaking of threats...!” said Tess.

  “Not at all. See? I'm smiling all over the place, just like your troll. Especially since we'd be arrested right along with you.”

  “Why don’t you go inside with Trent and fin
ish getting settled?” said Tess. “You surely don't want to put yourself at risk by staying out here and being seen with Maxi and me.”

  “You got it,” said Jasmine, lunging up the steps at once and going inside.

  “I'm so sorry about that, Maxi,” said Tess. “What an ugly way for her to treat you.”

  “No be you fault,” he said, snapping to from watching Jasmine and Trent go inside. “But she do know how it be. If some hoo-hoo human see me here and go tattle- talk to copper-goons in skinny, then woof-champ! And Drake be plain head-nod. That new house-piggy girl be full thunder-box potty which no-be dump all week. She be pretty-pretty face with ugly-ugly look. And entire whole-time you talky-talk with her, piggy-boy stand behind you all goggle-eye and grinny-grin up and down at you behind. Drake be head-nod again. Piggy-boy like to chase you down and knock you hair-jerk humper-diddle. You need-be ready to knee-kick so he not ridy-ride bicycle for whole moon-go-'round. You come see me any-when. I have Fnadirr-vanna show you where be to kicky-kick with you pretty knee. She can easy-do fold-over any Dyrney punk there be ever-was. I be head-nod chest-thump any-when, baby girl.” He gave her a sudden hug. When she drug her Mohawk out of her eyes, he was gone.

  “Well bye, then,” she murmured, looking this way and that. “Thank the Fates for Drake and Maxi.” She glanced at the sun overhead and studied the backs of her hands. It was time to be fixing dinner, but first she wanted to get over the shaking urge to go shout in Jasmine's face. A starling gave a breezy whistle from the shriveled oak leaves overhead. Suddenly she was on her way to the kitchen.

  Jasmine and Trent were bickering about something behind the closed door to Nia's room. One of them struck the door with something. Now they were shouting.

  “A taste of things to come, no doubt,” she said with a sigh. She took a mixing bowl from the cupboard, tore open a box of macaroni and poured it from box to bowl a few times to let the moths fly away. “And speaking of taste, they really should've had theirs with the moths and maggots.”

  Soon she had a hot pan of macaroni and cheese, a pan of hot olive-drab canned peas and a pot of tea. She went to Nia's door and raised her knuckles.