by Suetonius
44. In praeparanda expeditione primam curam habuit deligendi uehicula portandis scaenicis organis concubinasque, quas secum educeret, tondendi ad uirilem modum et securibus peltisque Amazonicis instruendi. mox tribus urbanas ad sacramentum citauit ac nullo idoneo respondente certum dominis seruorum numerum indixit; nec nisi ex tota cuiusque familia probatissimos, ne dispensatoribus quidem aut amanuensibus exceptis, recepit. (2) partem etiam census omnes ordines conferre iussit et insuper inquilinos priuatarum aedium atque insularum pensionem annuam repraesentare fisco; exegitque ingenti fastidio et acerbitate nummum asperum, argentum pustulatum, aurum ad obrussam, ut plerique omnem collationem palam recusarent, consensu flagitantes a delatoribus potius reuocanda praemia quaecumque cepissent.
45. ex annonae quoque caritate lucranti[a] adcreuit inuidia; nam et forte accidit, ut in publica fame Alexandrina nauis nuntiaretur puluerem luctatoribus aulicis aduexisse.
(2) Quare omnium in se odio incitato nihil contumeliarum defuit quin subiret. statuae eius a uertice cirrus appositus est cum inscriptione Graeca: nunc demum agona esse, et traderet tandem. alterius collo ascopa deligata simulque titulus: “ego quod potui, sed tu culleum meruisti.” ascriptum et columnis, etiam Gallos eum cantando excitasse. iam noctibus iurgia cum seruis plerique simulantes crebro Vindicem poscebant.
46. Terrebatur ad hoc euidentibus portentis somniorum et auspiciorum et ominum, cum ueteribus tum nouis. numquam antea somniare solitus occisa demum matre uidit per quietem nauem sibi regenti extortum gubernaculum trahique se ab Octauia uxore in artissimas tenebras et modo pinnatarum formicarum multitudine oppleri, modo a simulacris gentium ad Pompei theatrum dedicatarum circumiri arcerique progressu; asturconem, quo maxime laetabatur, posteriore corporis parte in simiae speciem transfiguratum ac tantum capite integro hinnitus edere canoros. (2) de Mausoleo, sponte foribus patefactis, exaudita uox est nomine eum cientis. Kal. Ian. exornati Lares in ipso sacrificii apparatu conciderunt; auspicanti Sporus anulum muneri optulit, cuius gemmae scalptura erat Proserpinae raptus; uotorum nuncupatione, magna iam ordinum frequentia, uix repertae Capitolii claues. (3) cum ex oratione eius, qua in Vindicem perorabat, recitaretur in senatu daturos poenas sceleratos ac breui dignum exitum facturos, conclamatum est ab uniuersis: “tu facies, Auguste.” obseruatum etiam fuerat nouissimam fabulam cantasse eum publice Oedipodem exulem atque in hoc desisse uersu:
θανεῖν μ᾽[ε] ἄνωγε σύγγαμος, μήτηρ, πατήρ.
47. Nuntiata interim etiam ceterorum exercituum defectione litteras prandenti sibi redditas concerpsit, mensam subuertit, duos scyphos gratissimi usus, quos Homerios a caelatura carminum Homeri uocabat, solo inlisit ac sumpto a Lucusta ueneno et in auream pyxidem condito transiit in hortos Seruilianos, ubi praemissis libertorum fidissimis Ostiam ad classem praeparandam tribunos centurionesque praetorii de fugae societate temptauit. (2) sed partim tergiuersantibus, partim aperte detrectantibus, uno uero etiam proclamante:
usque adeone mori miserum est?
uarie agitauit, Parthosne an Galbam supplex peteret, an atratus prodiret in publicum proque rostris quanta maxima posset miseratione ueniam praeteritorum precaretur, ac ni flexisset animos, uel Aegypti praefecturam concedi sibi oraret. inuentus est postea in scrinio eius hac de re sermo formatus; sed deterritum putant, ne prius quam in forum perueniret discerperetur.
(3) Sic cogitatione in posterum diem dilata ad mediam fere noctem excitatus, ut comperit stationem militum recessisse, prosiluit e lecto misitque circum amicos, et quia nihil a quoquam renuntiabatur, ipse cum paucis hospitia singulorum adiit. uerum clausis omnium foribus, respondente nullo, in cubiculum rediit, unde iam et custodes diffugerant, direptis etiam stragulis, amota et pyxide ueneni; ac statim Spiculum murmillonem uel quemlibet alium percussorem, cuius manu periret, requisiit et nemine reperto: “ergo ego,” inquit, “nec amicum habeo nec inimicum?” procurritque, quasi praecipitaturus se in Tiberim.
48. sed reuocato rursus impetu aliquid secretioris latebrae ad colligendum animum desiderauit, et offerente Phaonte liberto suburbanum suum inter Salariam et Nomentanam uiam circa quartum miliarium, ut erat nudo pede atque tunicatus, paenulam obsoleti coloris superinduit adopertoque capite et ante faciem optento sudario equum inscendit, quattuor solis comitantibus, inter quos et Sporus erat. (2) statimque tremore terrae et fulgure aduerso pauefactus audiit e proximis castris clamorem militum et sibi aduersa et Galbae prospera ominantium, etiam ex obuiis uiatoribus quendam dicentem: “hi Neronem persequuntur,” alium sciscitantem: “ecquid in urbe noui de Nerone?” equo autem ex odore abiecti in uia cadaueris consternato, detecta facie agnitus est a quodam missicio praetoriano et salutatus. (3) ut ad deuerticulum uentum est, dimissis equis inter fruticeta ac uepres per harundineti semitam aegre nec nisi strata sub pedibus ueste ad uersum uillae parietem euasit. ibi hortante eodem Phaonte, ut interim in specum egestae harenae concederet, negauit se uiuum sub terram iturum, ac parumper commoratus, dum clandestinus ad uillam introitus pararetur, aquam ex subiecta lacuna poturus manu hausit et: “haec est,” inquit, “Neronis decocta.” (4) dein diuolsa sentibus paenula traiectos surculos rasit, atque ita quadripes per angustias effossae cauernae receptus in proximam cellam decubuit super lectum modica culcita, uetere pallio strato, instructum; fameque et iterum siti interpellante panem quidem sordidum oblatum aspernatus est, aquae autem tepidae aliquantum bibit.
49. tunc uno quoque hinc inde instante ut quam primum se impendentibus contumeliis eriperet, scrobem coram fieri imperauit dimensus ad corporis sui modulum, componique simul, si qua inuenirentur, frusta marmoris et aquam simul ac ligna conferri curando mox cadaueri, flens ad singula atque identidem dictitans: “qualis artifex pereo!”
(2) Inter moras perlatos a cursore Phaonti codicillos praeripuit legitque se hostem a senatu iudicatum et quaeri, ut puniatur more maiorum, interrogauitque quale id genus esset poenae; et cum comperisset nudi hominis ceruicem inseri furcae, corpus uirgis ad necem caedi, conterritus duos pugiones, quos secum extulerat, arripuit temptataque utriusque acie rursus condidit, causatus nondum adesse fatalem horam. (3) ac modo Sporum hortabatur ut lamentari ac plangere inciperet, modo orabat ut se aliquis ad mortem capessendam exemplo iuuaret; interdum segnitiem suam his uerbis increpabat: “uiuo deformiter, turpiter—οὐ πρέπει Νέρωνι, οὐ πρέπει—νήφειν δεῖ ἐν τοῖς τοιούτοις—ἄγε ἔγειρε σεαυτόν.” iamque equites appropinquabant, quibus praeceptum erat ut uiuum eum adtraherent. quod ut sensit, trepidanter effatus:
ἵππων μ᾽ ὠκυπόδων ἀμφὶ κτύπος οὔατα
βάλλει,
ferrum iugulo adegit iuuante Epaphrodito a libellis. (4) semianimisque adhuc irrumpenti centurioni et paenula ad uulnus adposita in auxilium se uenisse simulanti non aliud respondit quam: “sero” et: “haec est fides.” atque in ea uoce defecit, extantibus rigentibusque oculis usque ad horrorem formidinemque uisentium. nihil prius aut magis a comitibus exegerat quam ne potestas cuiquam capitis sui fieret, sed ut quoquo modo totus cremaretur. permisit hoc Icelus, Galbae libertus, non multo ante uinculis exolutus, in quae primo tumultu coniectus fuerat.
50. Funeratus est impensa ducentorum milium, stragulis albis auro intextis, quibus usus Kal. Ian. fuerat. reliquias Egloge et Alexandria nutrices cum Acte concubina gentili Domitiorum monimento condiderunt, quod prospicitur e campo Martio impositum colli Hortulorum. in eo monimento solium porphyretici marmoris, superstante Lunensi ara, circumsaeptum est lapide Thasio.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Rob Tempio at Princeton University Press had the idea for this book and I thank him for asking me to develop it and for his support along the way. Matt Rohal, also at the Press, generously discussed the introduction with me as I was writing it and offered many good ideas.
I also thank the anonymous readers who provided excellent advice on the finished manuscript and Anne Sanow for copyediting.
Caitlin Gillespie helped to come up with one of the chapter titles.
NOTES
INTRODUCTION
1. L. Morrow, The Best
Year of Their Lives: Kennedy, Johnson, and Nixon in 1948 (New York, 2005), xxi.
2. Nero 20.1.
3. Nero 22.1.
4. Tiberius 42.1.
5. See, respectively, Tiberius 42.1, 57.1, and 67.2–4.
6. Divine Julius 79.3.
7. Nero 23.2.
8. Gaius Caligula 55.3.
9. Nero 19.3.
10. Tiberius 42.2. Suetonius says the champion drinker downed an “amphora”—a storage vessel that contained six gallons or so. Some scholars think the word here refers to a smaller jug.
11. Nero 20.2.
12. Domitian 12.2.
13. Divine Augustus 7.1.
14. This point is well made in a good appreciation of Suetonius by Gore Vidal titled “The Twelve Caesars,” which can be found in his United States: Essays 1952–1992 (New York, 1993), 523–28.
IGNORE BAD OMENS . . . AND YOUR WIFE
1. The privileges listed here traditionally belonged to Rome’s gods, e.g., a flamen (priest).
2. By tradition, the ten tribunes elected year were supposed to protect the lives and property of Roman citizens, especially from actions by other magistrates.
3. A white ribbon was a symbol of royalty.
4. The Lupercalia was an ancient festival in which men clad only in loincloths ran through Rome. Antonius—more commonly known as Mark Antony—was widely admired for his Herculean physique.
5. A quindecemvir was one of the priests in charge of the Sibylline Books, a collection of Greek prophecies consulted in Rome during emergencies. The Parthian empire, based in modern Iran, was Rome’s major rival and in 53 B.C. inflicted a huge defeat on the Romans which Caesar now hoped to avenge.
6. Roman senators wore tunics with a broad band of purple as a mark of their status.
7. Marcus Brutus—famous from Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar—traced his descent back to the Lucius Brutus reputed to have driven out the last king of Rome. Decimus Brutus belonged to a different family.
8. Pompey, in the lavish theater complex he built in Rome, included a meeting space for the Senate. It must have struck the conspirators as suitable to kill Caesar in this room, which included a statue of Pompey.
9. The descendant of Capys, a Trojan, is Caesar, who traced his descent back to Troy.
10. The wren was known as the “king of birds.”
11. Marcus Brutus was not Caesar’s son, and the line, which Suetonius quotes in Greek, may be from a famous tragedy. Shakespeare has Caesar speak Latin: et tu, Brute?
SPEND ALL YOUR TIME AT YOUR RESORT
1. Germanicus was the wildly popular son of Tiberius’ brother Drusus, adopted in A.D. 4 by Tiberius. Tiberius’ other son was his own biological child, also named Drusus.
2. The nicknames here play on Latin words associated with drinking.
3. Presumably each of the four delicacies debated their merits in this playful work. Two hundred thousand sesterces was a great deal of money. A legionary in the army at this time had a yearly salary of 900 sesterces.
4. The female writer Elephantis authored a variety of works, including sex manuals.
5. The Latin name for Capri (Capreae) was similar to the word for goat: caper, capri, m.
6. Aelius Sejanus was the prefect of the Praetorian Guard. A man of towering ambition, he plotted to bring down Tiberius but in the end was outwitted by the emperor.
7. It was Tiberius’ successor Caligula, brother of Nero and Drusus, who gathered their remains, immediately after he became emperor.
8. Tiberius had withdrawn to Rhodes in 6 B.C. and did not return to Rome until A.D. 2.
9. “Pompeian” was a label applied to the opponents of Caesar and Augustus in the civil wars of the 40s and 30s B.C.
10. The red mullet was a delicacy in Rome.
11. The Gaius referred to here is now more commonly known as Caligula, a nickname meaning “Little Boots” that he acquired as an infant in his father Germanicus’ camp, where he was made to wear a miniature uniform. Thrasyllus was an astrologer Tiberius met on Rhodes and brought back to Rome and then Capri.
12. Roman villas were sometimes named for figures from mythology. Io was a priestess seduced by Zeus, much to his wife Hera’s annoyance. Some scholars believe that Suetonius wrote not villa Ionis but villa Iovis, “the Villa of Jove.”
MAKE YOUR HORSE A CONSUL
1. The quotation is from Homer (Iliad 2.204).
2. The Palatine Hill was where the emperors from Augustus onward resided and its name is the source of the word “palace.”
3. Agrippa, the indispensable ally of Augustus, was the father of Caligula’s mother, Agrippina the Elder.
4. In the civil wars that brought him supremacy, Augustus won major victories in Sicily in 36 B.C. and at Actium in Greece in 31 B.C.
5. The Tiberius mentioned here was the emperor Tiberius’ biological grandson, known as “Tiberius Gemellus.” Since Caligula was also a grandson of Tiberius, he and Gemellus were “brothers.”
6. Caligula had three sisters, including Agrippina the Elder, mother of the emperor Nero.
7. In other words, Gaius gave to his sisters the spot on his dining couch that would normally be held by his wife.
8. Macro succeeded Sejanus as commander of the Praetorian Guard and together with his wife Ennia helped Caligula as he became emperor.
9. Caligula was sensitive about his own hair loss and so apparently mocked others for it.
10. The word is Greek (a language Caligula knew well).
11. The Greek town of Anticyra was famous for growing the medicinal herb hellebore.
12. Tiberius’ remark “Let them hate me, so long as they accept!” was a variant on this famous line.
13. Earlier in this biography, Suetonius describes how Caligula constructed a bridge of boats across the Gulf of Puteoli near Naples, emulating the great Persian King Xerxes.
14. Suetonius means that Caligula forced prominent Romans to give up the names their ancestors had won through their exploits (Titus Manlius Torquatus, for instance, won his name after seizing the gold torque of a Gaul he dueled with). The Gnaeus Pompeius mentioned here was descended from Julius Caesar’s great rival Pompeius, more familiarily known as Pompey.
15. The name meant “Big Love.”
16. The King of Nemi was a priest of the goddess Diana; you got the job by killing your predecessor.
17. Gaius wore the breastplate when he paraded on his bridge of boats in emulation of Xerxes the Great.
18. Roman mortar was made with sand and lime, and so Caligula was suggesting Seneca’s work was ineffective.
19. The murmilliones were heavily armed gladiators who typically fought against the Thracian gladiators favored by Caligula.
20. There were four main horse racing clubs in Rome, each named for a color.
FIDDLE WHILE ROME BURNS
1. Equestrians normally wore gold rings as insignia of their status.
2. The Neronian Games was a Greek-style festival of music and athletics established by Nero that was supposed to take place only every five years.
3. Niobe was a figure in Greek mythology. She boasted that she had more children than Leto, mother of Apollo and Artemis—which prompted Apollo and Artemis to kill all of Niobe’s children.
4. Caligula also had been a supporter of the Greens.
5. The Circus Maximus was the main racetrack in Rome and could seat perhaps 250,000.
6. Suetonius describes Nero’s trip to Greece in A.D. 66–67 earlier in the biography.
7. The performer was allowed only to wipe away sweat with the robe he was wearing.
8. Mithridates was the king of the Black Sea kingdom of Pontus. Rome fought him in a long series of wars in the first century B.C.
9. The Pythian crown, made of laurel, was awarded for the games held in honor of Apollo every four years at Delphi.
10. Galba was the governor of Spain who became emperor after Nero in 68 A.D.
11. Nero’s biological father was Gnaeus Domitius Ahenobarbus.
Nero acquired the name by which is still known when he was adopted by the emperor Claudius in A.D. 50.
12. Nero grew his hair long.
13. Romans who killed their parents were supposed to be sewn into a bag with a dog, snake, monkey, and rooster.
14. There is a pun here on the Latin word for “Gauls,” galli, which can also mean roosters.
15. Another pun: Vindex—the name of Nero’s challenger—also meant “defender.”
16. Lares were tutelary deities widely worshipped throughout the city of Rome.
17. Sporus was a slave boy who resembled Nero’s wife Poppaea. After her death, Nero castrated him and then married him. In Greek mythology, Persephone was taken to the Underworld by Hades.
18. Vows were made annually to Rome’s protective deities for the safety of the emperor.
19. A quotation from Vergil’s Aeneid (12.646).
20. This refers to a favorite drink of Nero: water boiled and then chilled in snow.
21. The quotation is from Homer (Iliad 10.535).