The Two-Knock Ghost
Page 31
I started to break it down theoretically. If each of my parents was me, then it was me telling me the story of Sister Timothy and Lena. That would mean that I had remembered everything but those memories had found a hiding place multiple layers within my subconscious.
Still, I wanted to believe that the Two-Knock Ghost was my parents. I clung to that thought as my primary belief of what the whole experience was about. Dr. Banderas’s ideas were my secondary considerations. It was comforting to me as a human being to have seen my parents the way they appeared when they saved me from the devil Nazi, It was one of the greatest moments of my life. It did not detract from the thrill of the event merely because it was a dream. I blew fart kisses on my father’s neck. That was fun. That made sense. It did not make sense that if everyone in my dream was me, that I blew fart kisses onto my own neck. They both had hugged me and told me they loved me and missed me. They told me about Respite and why they had to stay there and wait for the right time to rescue me. It all made perfect sense to me.
Then my internal psychologist picked up the cup of the entire experience and turned it yet again trying to break it down to its core. I honestly didn’t know what the truth was, but I deduced that just because my parents had rescued me a couple of times from Satan and scared the living crap out of him, that didn’t guarantee that I’d never have another devil dream. And if I did have one or an occasional one, I would just have to deal with it because I did not know how to eradicate those dreams. As I continued to turn the cup, I realized how easy it was for a human being to be tormented by something they didn’t believe in. I realized more deeply how careful adults need to be when they teach children that something heinous is absolute truth. Freddy Kreuger is scary. Jason is scary. Chuckie is a little runt punk. But they only kill your body. The devil torments you with the threat of possessing your eternal soul and torturing it for every second forever.
It fascinated me how many times I could turn the cup and from how many angles I could look at each human experience. I wondered if my Higher Power, God, turned the cup that way when He evaluated the life of each human being.
* * * * *
A few days later I was living in my home with Christine again, feeling cozy and loved. I also felt honored that my wife believed in me and the progress I was making that allowed me to be welcomed home. Was I nervous about being there? Was I unsure of my ability to be creative as a loving husband? Was I worried that I might slip and have a drink again? You bet I was. After all, I’m just a man. I can falter, as can we all.
I was also determined to show Christine the love she deserved from me. I was determined to keep my promise to never drink again. I would include my children more in our lives. I would become a better psychologist because now I was a more aware man. I would put many more plants in mine and Amanda’s offices and think of Dr. Banderas each day I worked within my jungle. Every year or two I would send a little more money to Alicia while her kids were still growing and even when they were in college. I would think about Toby often and always believe that he was a true friend who laid down his life to do a favor for me. I would think of Mary Bauer, who I never saw again after her final office visit when she was so determined to make it beyond that meeting on her own. I hoped she would send me a Christmas card each year to keep me up to date about her life. There was no doubt I would send one to her. I would think of the live oak, show it soon to Christine and someday to each of my children. I would try to take my life one day at a time, or sometimes when things would get tough, from breath to breath. I would soon change the location for my AA meetings. The Serenity Club was too far from Snell Island and now that I was back at home with Christine, I wanted to spend every possible moment with her. I honestly didn’t know if I would get a sponsor or even how far into AA’s program I would go. Those and so many more questions would be answered in my future.
I would think of the Two-Knock Ghost. I would always be thankful that it never gave up trying to coax me into letting it into my dreams and how Dr. Banderas encouraged me to take an entirely different tack and consider it a possible friend. I would honor my long dead parents for their eventual appearance. I would always be so utterly thankful to them for what they shared with me in real life and in how they rescued and loved me in my dreams. I wondered if I would ever see them again. I hoped I would.
Finally, because it was my nature to go as deep as I possibly could into the wise workings of the human mind, I would forever wonder what and who the Two-Knock Ghost really was. Was it even a ghost because it appeared only in my dreams? Or was it absolutely a ghost because it haunted me time after time before it finally revealed its message brought from the faraway place called Respite? Or had the circumstances of my life sent a grenade into the solidified mass of the subconscious of my early life, causing long buried memories to drift creatively to my dreams in the room next to my consciousness? I thought of the Gate Keeper. Could he have been me keeping the secrets of my past locked away until the night I was ready to reveal them to myself? What if the Two-Knock Ghost had simply been me all along?