Wild, Wounded Hearts

by Wild, Wounded Hearts (epub)

  “Maybe you better tell me what’s on your mind, Ursa. Because it’s written all over your face. Something is wrong. Tell me what it is, baby girl.”

  Ursa swallowed thickly. Her throat kept feeling like it was closing up on her, making breathing difficult. Maybe it was because the news about being pregnant burned in her throat. She couldn’t decide whether to let it out or not, and so the volatile, unspoken words seemed to sear her vocal cords.

  “I think it’d be better if you went first,” she managed to squeeze out of her throat.

  Z’s blue eyes moved searchingly across her face.

  “Okay,” he said slowly. “If you promise to tell me whatever’s bothering you afterward?”

  She nodded, her breath hitching involuntarily. She waited anxiously, but he didn’t speak. He just stared at her with the strangest look on his face.

  “Z?” she whispered.

  “I’m trying. It’s hard. I don’t know how to start.”

  Compassion overcame her when she recognized his internal struggle. She touched his newly shaven, smooth jaw with her fingertips. “Just start at the beginning,” she encouraged him quietly.

  “You know how things were in the beginning,” he said thickly. “I wanted you like a drug. And I felt guilty about that.”

  “I know.”

  “I don’t anymore, Ursa. Feel guilty, I mean.”

  “You don’t?” she asked, glancing up at his face hopefully.

  He shook his head. “For my whole life, if something felt so good, so decadent, so fantastic…it was wrong. Forbidden, somehow,” he said gruffly.

  “You mean like your addiction?”

  “That, yes. But also, good in a positive way. Like the feeling of being accepted, no matter what. Belonging. I never felt completely accepted by my dad, and that feeling persisted even after he and mom died, when I came here. It continued, even though I was surrounded by accepting people: Grandpa Joe, Stephen… even your mom and dad. Anyway,” he said, looking down at her hands enfolded in his. “I think I kind of projected that feeling onto you. I wanted you so much, but I was afraid my need was too much. Wrong somehow. Inappropriate. Something to be guarded against. It’s hard to explain.”

  “I think you’re doing a great job,” she said earnestly.

  “I didn’t realize until recently I was doing it to you. Projecting those old insecurities about the way I felt. But you made me see the mistake in my thinking. I realized that whatever you needed, I wanted to be there to give it to you. And if I could be there like that for you, then maybe…you could be there for me without me…I don’t know. Me taking too much. Emotionally. Physically. Everything.”

  “Are you saying you’re afraid? Of how much you need me?” she asked in a hushed tone.

  “Yeah. I don’t want to take too much. I don’t want to reach the limit of what you have to give.”

  She inhaled with difficulty. Her chest felt very full.

  “That’s not going to happen, Z. I have never once felt that way. I want to be there for you, too. I can be. Your father may have had limits in how much he was able to love you. But I don’t.”

  She saw his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed.

  “The truth is, I’ve never felt so accepted by anyone, so unconditionally… loved…” he said gruffly, and then paused. Her heart seemed to press against her breastbone as she reached out to cup his jaw. He glanced over at her with blazing eyes. “As I feel with you, Ursa. I want to do the same for you, baby girl.”

  “You will. You do. I love you, Z. I know I said it in anger and…well, desperation the other night. But it’s true. I love you, and I always will.”

  He lunged forward and kissed her, hard.

  “I love you, too. A scary amount,” he said grimly before kissing her again. She was smiling when he lifted his head a moment later.

  “It’s going to feel less and less scary over time,” she assured him.

  “I know. Don’t worry. I know I may seem a little stupid about all this at times. A fish out of water and all that. But I’m in this for the long haul,” he said, holding her stare.

  “So what do you want to do about it?” she whispered.

  “Do? About the fact that we love each other?” he clarified.

  She nodded.

  His expression turned carefully blanked. He shrugged. “I was thinking along the lines of shouting to the world that we’re crazy about each other? Spending our lives together? Growing old in each other’s arms?”

  She laughed, euphoria bubbling up inside her.

  He blinked, his stare narrowing on her.

  “Seriously? You’re laughing at my proposal?”

  All traces of amusement vanished from her face. She leaned back several inches to peer at him.

  “Proposal?” she repeated hollowly.

  “Yeah. I’m asking you to marry me, Ursa Esterbrook.”

  This isn’t going well at all.

  Ursa looked gobsmacked.

  “I know I’ve been a little backward in the romance department up until now, but is it really that shocking? That I want you to be my wife?” he asked.

  “No,” she whispered, shaking her head over and over again. “I mean…it is shocking. But in a wonderful way.”

  He smiled. “But you still haven’t said yes.”

  “I want to,” she said.

  He gave a bark of sardonic laughter. “Then do.”

  His laughter evaporated when she didn’t say anything. She just stared up at him with a panicked expression on her face. Shit. He’d forgotten the ring. You’re a dipshit, Beckett. He lunged for the bedside table, yanking open the drawer. He dropped down again next to her on the bed.

  “I forgot. Here,” he said, placing the ring box in her hand.

  All the color seemed to wash out of her face. He put her other hand on top of the box, urging her to open it. She did so with stiff fingers. For a few anxious seconds that felt like an eternity to Z, she just stared at the diamond and peridot ring.

  “We can pick out another one together if you don’t like—”

  “I love it. It’s the most beautiful ring I’ve ever seen in my life.”

  A few tears scattered down her cheeks. He didn’t know what to do. Now, she looked absolutely wild with panic.

  “Then what’s wrong?” he demanded. It felt like ice water had been mainlined into his veins.

  It hit him like a sledgehammer.

  This didn’t have to do with his proposal or a stupid ring. He grasped her face with both hands.

  “Ursa, what is it? Just tell me.”

  “Now I’m scared—” She made a choking sound that seemed to rip at his insides.

  “Don’t be scared. Just tell me what’s wrong, and we’ll work it out together,” he soothed, gently wiping the tears off her cheeks.

  “I…I had a doctor’s appointment the other day. In fact, it was that same day you came to my room. That’s why I acted so weird.”

  His caressing fingers froze on her face. A doctor’s appointment. A wave of unreality and disorientation struck him. Oh shit. She’s sick again. Something’s wrong.

  “I was feeling sick to my stomach,” she continued brokenly. “I thought I had the flu or something.” She met his stare, looking like she was feeling sick to her stomach right now, this very second…like she was feeling as ill as he was at the idea of hearing the dreaded words that were about to pass through her lips. She hesitated.

  “It’s okay, Ursa,” he told her, sounding much more calm than he felt. He’d just told her that he’d be there for her. Always. And he was. He was right there with her. “We’ll deal with it, no matter what. Just tell me.”

  “I didn’t have the flu, Z.”

  He nodded. Yeah, I figured it was something a hell of a lot more serious. His head swam, but he kept his expression ope
n and neutral, even as he waited for the bomb to drop.

  “I’m pregnant,” Ursa said.

  Z didn’t respond the way she’d imagined he would to the news. He didn’t react that way, even in the slightest bit.

  For a few seconds, he didn’t respond at all.

  Then he laughed, the sound striking her ears as deep and rich and completely inexplicable.

  “Seriously? You’re laughing? I just told you I’m pregnant. Z!” She said his name loudly, because she couldn’t seem to break through his mirth. He blinked.

  “I’m sorry,” he said, obviously trying to bring himself under control, but still grinning like a madman. “Is everything okay? With you and the baby?”

  “I think so. I have my first ultrasound in ten days.”

  “Ultrasound,” he said disbelievingly. Then he started laughing again. She stared at him in open-mouthed shock, not sure if she should be offended by his reaction or join him in laughing at the incredibleness of it all.

  “Z? Are you hysterical?”

  “I don’t think so. Maybe. I’m just relieved.”

  “Relieved?”

  “Yeah. I was worried you were going to say you were sick or something like that. Then you said you were pregnant, and all I could think of was: Of course. Of course Ursa is pregnant. It makes perfect sense.” He seemed to notice her stunned expression, and brought his laughter under control with effort.

  “I’m sorry. We’ll do whatever you want. I’m going to be right here with you. Have you…have you thought about if you want to keep the baby?”

  “I absolutely want to keep it.”

  He smiled wider. His hands skimmed down her neck to cup her shoulders.

  “Z? What did you mean that it made perfect sense I was pregnant?” she asked.

  “We can’t keep our hands off each other. You’re the sexiest woman I’ve ever met. It’s like a miracle, how crazy I am about you. I love you. You love me. Why wouldn’t it make sense, that another miracle could come out of it all?”

  She stared up at him in dawning wonder. He wasn’t hysterical, she realized as she looked into his gleaming eyes. He was giddy at the news. It wasn’t an expression she at all associated with tough, intimidating Z Beckett. It was the most amazing sight she’d ever seen in her life.

  “You’re happy,” she whispered.

  “I am. It’s incredible.” He squeezed her shoulders. “Are you sure? There’s no doubt?”

  “No doubt. I had the doctor run the test twice, because…well, as you know, it’s not supposed to be possible.”

  “You were more fertile than you thought.”

  “No, apparently, you were fertile enough for both of us,” she said under her breath wryly.

  He laughed again. Every frozen spot in her spirit evaporated to instant mist at the warmth in his eyes. He looked so ecstatic, she experienced a need to warn him of the realities.

  “It’s still very early in the pregnancy, Z. I think we need to be extra cautious, given my whole medical history. We can’t even be sure that everything is…as it should be until we get the ultrasound. We need to take it one day at a time. I don’t think we should even consider telling anyone or planning on anything concrete until—if—I get past the first trimester.”

  “I understand. But at least you know it’s possible. At least you know it’s not the cut and dried situation those doctors before said it was. You can get pregnant.”

  Warmth suffused her, transferred magically from the heat and love in his gaze. “You’re right,” she whispered. “It is possible. Maybe anything’s possible, with you.”

  “So put on the ring and say yes.”

  She blinked at his firm request and sudden seriousness. She reached for the exquisite ring, shivers pouring down her back and arms the whole time. He took it from her, and slipped it on her finger.

  She gave him her eternal answer.

  “Yes.”

  He watched the ring slide onto her finger. It fit perfectly. The strangest sense of the surreal, like he was watching Ursa and himself from a floating position above them, and a paradoxical hyper-awareness suffused his brain. He’d never felt his own body, his own pulsing, vibrating existence, nor sensed another human being so fully, so viscerally as he did Ursa that moment.

  She looked up at him when the ring was in place, her face radiant.

  “You picked it out yourself, didn’t you?”

  “I did. I ordered it at Janine’s store in Columbia and few days, and she did some magic just for us to get it by Christmas. The stones on either side of the diamond are peridots. I thought they matched your eyes.”

  “You really were thinking about me, these past few days?” she asked him in a hushed voice.

  He gave her a wry glance. “I was thinking about nothing but you.”

  Her flushed lips parted. He felt that ever-present need in him stretch tight. He placed his hand at the back of her head, sinking his fingers into her loose hair. Then he was drinking from her mouth, and she was kissing him back as though she were just as hungry. He couldn’t believe his luck. Their luck. Ursa was pregnant, and it wasn’t supposed to be possible. She’d said yes to his proposal.

  Ursa Esterbrook was going to be his wife.

  “Let’s get married in Reno the day after Christmas,” he said roughly against her lips a minute later.

  “Really?” She sounded dazed. “Don’t you think we should wait until we can tell everyone we’re pregnant? And invite family to the ceremony?”

  “No, I don’t want to wait,” he growled, leaning over her and plucking at her lips before sending his tongue into her mouth. He suddenly felt fevered. Wild with anticipation. “I want you to be my wife as soon as possible. I want to be your husband. If you want, we’ll have a second ceremony with family after we tell them everything. But for now, this is between us. And I don’t want to wait. I want you completely. Now.”

  He found the zipper of her dress and started to lower it. She stared up at him, transfixed.

  “I want you in the deepest meaning of the word, too. I want you to be my husband.

  “Good.” His hands swept into the opening of her dress, caressing warm, silky skin. “You feel so good.”

  “So do you,” she said, unbuttoning his shirt rapidly.

  He flicked open her bra. “We can, can’t we? I mean…it’s not going to hurt the baby?”

  “No. I asked.”

  He lowered her dress down over her shoulders, baring them. He pressed his mouth to the juncture between neck and shoulder, inhaling her scent.

  “Every part of you is so beautiful, baby girl,” he mumbled, entranced by the feeling of her smooth, flawless skin sliding against his lips. “You’re shoulders are like a work of art.” His hand slid the sleeve of her dress farther down. “Your arms drive me crazy.” He gently bit into the firm muscle of her biceps. He nuzzled the fullness of her left breast. “Don’t get me started on your breasts.”

  “Yes,” Ursa sighed. She sunk her fingers into his hair and pushed him more firmly against her breast. “Let’s get you started.”

  He peeled back the fabric of her dress, his lips seeking and finding firm, curving flesh. He pushed down her bra, his tongue finding her nipple unerringly. The sound of her soft gasps and sighs washed over him as he laved the sensitive flesh into a stiff peak, and then sucked on her gently. Her fingernails scraped his scalp. His body quaked against her, the moment sublime.

  She had the ability to make him feel so powerful, so strong…and at the same time, so helpless. He wasn’t afraid of that vulnerability anymore, though.

  He reluctantly lifted his head and stood. Taking her hands, he pulled her up next to him. She looked as dazed as he felt, and every bit as fevered. Taking her hand, he placed it on the places where he ached for her most. He pressed her against his heart. They stared at one another while he lo
wered her hand a moment later, guiding her to the stiff ridge of his erection.

  “The first time I was with you, I was afraid of you knowing how much I wanted you. I was ashamed that I could get this hard, this needy, for Ursa Esterbrook.”

  “And now?” she asked throatily, moving her hand now of her own volition, her strokes growing faster.

  “Now, it seems like the most natural thing in the world,” he murmured, pushing back her hair and landing kisses on her ear, temple and neck. “What else should I do when faced with the most desirable woman in existence, except crave her? And I do, Ursa,” he said roughly, pushing her dress off her hips now and below her bottom. He cupped her ass cheeks in both hands, groaning at the arousing sensation of her flesh in his hands, but also enjoying the feeling of her unfastening his button fly, her fleet fingers brushing against his swollen cock.

  She plunged her hand into his boxer briefs and touched his naked cock. He bent down over her, seizing her mouth in a greedy kiss, kneading her ass in his hands while she ran her fist up and down over his shaft. It felt indescribably good, swimming in that hot, thick haze of need with Ursa; just the two of them, touching and building the fire.

  But he was only a man, and he couldn’t take the torment forever.

  A minute later, he came down over Ursa where she lay on the bed, naked except for the ring he’d just given her and an exalted expression on her beautiful face. He was ready to burst with sharp, gnawing need, but he couldn’t resist her scent. Her taste. He settled with his head between her thighs, her fingers clawing against his scalp.

  He found that she could slake him, even while he ached so much it was pure agony. And when her sweetest juices finally ran down his throat, he rose up over her, and slowly fused their flesh.

  “I remember thinking the first time I made love to you that you were a goddess. I should have known back then. I’d never thought of a woman that way,” he muttered thickly, holding himself still with supreme effort with his cock buried in her to the hilt.

  She looked up at him, a glaze of perspiration on her face and a small, knowing smile that belonged every inch to the goddess he described. She ran her hands over his tensed chest and arm muscles, her actions hungry.