Confessions of a Shopaholic

by Sophie Kinsella

  “Oh,” he says, and gives an embarrassed little cough. “Your mother wanted me to buy a copy. And since I was awake anyway. .”

  “So was I,” says Martin quickly.

  “Me too,” I say.

  “Well,” says Dad. “So — is it in?”

  “Oh yes,” I say, “it’s in.” I turn the paper round so he can see it.

  “Gosh,” he says. “It’s big, isn’t it?”

  “The photo’s good, don’t you think?” says Martin enthusiastically. “Brings out the flowers in our curtains beautifully.”

  “Yes, the photo’s great,” I agree.

  I’m not going to demean myself by asking what he thought of the article itself. If he wants to compliment my writing, he will. If he doesn’t — then it really doesn’t matter. The point is, I’m proud of it.

  “And Janice looks very nice, I thought,” says Martin, still gazing at the photograph.

  “Very nice,” agrees Dad. “If a little mournful.”

  “You see, these professionals, they know how to light a shot,” says Martin. “The way the sunlight falls just here, on her—”

  “What about my article?” I wail piteously. “Did you like that?”

  “Oh, it’s very good!” says Martin. “Sorry, Becky, I should have said! I haven’t read it all yet, but it seems to capture the situation exactly. Makes me out to be quite a hero!” He frowns. “Although I never did fight in the Falklands, you know.”

  “Oh well,” I say hurriedly. “That’s neither here nor there, really.”

  “So you wrote all this yesterday?” says Dad. “On my typewriter?” He seems astounded.

  “Yes,” I say smugly. “It looks good, doesn’t it? Have you seen my byline? ‘By Rebecca Bloomwood.’ ”

  “Janice’ll be thrilled,” says Martin. “I’m going to buy two copies.”

  “I’m going to buy three,” says Dad. “Your granny will love to see this.”

  “And I’ll buy one,” I say. “Or two, perhaps.” I carelessly reach for a handful and plonk them on the counter.

  “Six copies?” says the cashier. “Are you sure?”

  “I need them for my records,” I say, and blush slightly.

  When we get home, Mum and Janice are both waiting at our front door, desperate to see a copy.

  “My hair!” wails Janice as soon as she sees the picture. “It looks terrible! What have they done to it?”

  “No, it doesn’t, love!” protests Martin. “You look very nice.”

  “Your curtains look lovely, Janice,” says Mum, looking over her shoulder.

  “They do, don’t they?” says Martin eagerly. “That’s just what I said.”

  I give up. What kind of family have I got, that are more interested in curtains than top financial journalism? Anyway, I don’t care. I’m mesmerized by my byline. “By Rebecca Bloomwood.” “By Rebecca Bloomwood.”

  After everyone’s peered at the paper, Mum invites Janice and Martin round to our house for breakfast, and Dad goes and puts on some coffee. There’s a rather festive air to the proceedings, and everyone keeps laughing a lot. I don’t think any of us can quite believe that Janice and Martin are in The Daily World. (And me, of course. “By Rebecca Bloomwood.”)

  At ten o’clock, I slope off and ring up Eric Foreman. Just casually, you know. To let him know I’ve seen it.

  “Looks good, doesn’t it?” he says cheerfully. “The editor’s really going for this series, so if you come up with any more stories like this just give me a shout. I like your style. Just right for The Daily World.”

  “Excellent,” I say, feeling a glow of pleasure.

  “Oh, and while I’m at it,” he adds, “you’d better give me your bank details.”

  My stomach gives a nasty lurch. Why does Eric Foreman want my bank details? Shit, is he going to check that my own finances are in order or something? Is he going to run a credit check on me?

  “Everything’s done by transfer these days,” he’s saying. “Four hundred quid. That all right?”

  What? What’s he—

  Oh my God, he’s going to pay me. But of course he is. Of course he is!

  “That’s fine,” I hear myself say. “No problem. I’ll just, ahm. . give you my account number, shall I?”

  Four hundred quid! I think dazedly as I scrabble for my checkbook. Just like that! I can’t quite believe it.

  “Excellent,” says Eric Foreman, writing the details down. “I’ll sort that out for you with Accounts.” Then he pauses. “Tell me, would you be in the market for writing general features? Human interest stories, that kind of thing?”

  Would I be in the market? Is he kidding?

  “Sure,” I say, trying not to sound too thrilled. “In fact. . I’d probably prefer it to finance.”

  “Oh right,” he says. “Well, I’ll keep an eye out for bits that might suit you. As I say, I think you’ve got the right style for us.”

  “Great,” I say. “Thanks.”

  As I put the phone down, there’s a huge smile on my face. I’ve got the right style for The Daily World! Hah!

  The phone rings again, and I pick it up, wondering if it’s Eric Foreman offering me some more work already.

  “Hello, Rebecca Bloomwood,” I say in a businesslike voice.

  “Rebecca,” says Luke Brandon’s curt voice — and my heart freezes. “Could you please tell me what the fuck is going on?”

  Shit.

  He sounds really angry. For an instant I’m paralyzed. My throat feels dry; my hand is sweaty round the receiver. Oh God. What am I going to say? What am I going to say to him?

  But hang on a minute. I haven’t done anything wrong.

  “I don’t know what you mean,” I say, playing for time. Keep calm, I tell myself. Calm and cool.

  “Your tawdry effort in The Daily World,” he says scathingly. “Your one-sided, unbalanced, probably libelous little story.”

  For a second I’m so shocked I can’t speak. Tawdry? Libelous?

  “It’s not tawdry!” I splutter at last. “It’s a good piece. And it’s certainly not libelous. I can prove everything I said.”

  “And I suppose getting the other side of the story would have been inconvenient,” he snaps. “I suppose you were too busy writing your purple prose to approach Flagstaff Life and ask for their version of events. You’d rather have a good story than spoil it by trying to give a balanced picture.”

  “I tried to get the other side of the story!” I exclaim furiously. “I phoned your PR company yesterday and told them I was writing the piece!”

  There’s silence.

  “Who did you speak to?” says Luke.

  “Alicia,” I reply. “I asked her a very clear question about Flagstaff’s policy on switching funds, and she told me she’d get back to me. I told her I had an urgent deadline.”

  Luke gives an impatient sigh. “What the fuck were you doing, speaking to Alicia? Flagstaff’s my client, not hers.”

  “I know! I said that to her! But she said you were a very busy man and she could deal with me.”

  “Did you tell her you were writing for The Daily World?”

  “No,” I say, and feel myself flush slightly red. “I didn’t specify who I was writing for. But I would have told her if she’d asked me. She just didn’t bother. She just assumed I couldn’t possibly be doing anything important.” In spite of myself, my voice is rising in emotion. “Well, she was wrong, wasn’t she? You were all wrong. And maybe now you’ll start treating everybody with respect. Not just the people you think are important.”

  I break off, panting slightly, and there’s a bemused silence.

  “Rebecca,” says Luke at last, “if this is about what happened between us that day — if this is some kind of petty revenge—”

  I’m really going to explode now.

  “Don’t you bloody insult me!” I yell. “Don’t you bloody try and make this personal! This is about two innocent people being hoodwinked by one of your big-shot clients,
nothing else. I told the truth, and if you didn’t have a chance to respond, it’s your own company’s incompetence that’s to blame. I was completely professional, I gave you every opportunity to put out your side of the story. Every opportunity. And if you blew it, that’s not my fault.”

  And without giving him the chance to reply, I slam the phone down.

  I’m feeling quite shaken as I go back into the kitchen. To think I ever liked Luke Brandon. To think I table-hopped with him. To think I let him lend me twenty quid. He’s just an arrogant, self-centered, chauvinistic—

  “Telephone!” says Mum. “Shall I get it?”

  It’ll be him again, won’t it? Ringing back to apologize. Well, he needn’t think I’m that easily won round. I stand by every word I said. And I’ll tell him so. In fact, I’ll add that—

  “It’s for you, Becky,” says Mum.

  “Fine,” I say coolly, and make my way to the telephone. I don’t hurry; I don’t panic. I feel completely in control.

  “Hello?” I say.

  “Rebecca? Eric Foreman here.”

  “Oh!” I say in surprise. “Hi!”

  “Bit of news about your piece.”

  “Oh yes?” I say, trying to sound calm. But my stomach’s churning. What if Luke Brandon’s spoken to him? Oh shit, I did check all the facts, didn’t I?

  “I’ve just had Morning Coffee on the phone,” he says. “You know, the TV program? Rory and Emma. They’re interested in your story.”

  “What?” I say stupidly.

  “There’s a new series they’re doing on finance, ‘Managing Your Money.’ They get some financial expert in every week, tell the viewers how to keep tabs on their dosh.” Eric Foreman lowers his voice. “Frankly, they’re running out of stuff to talk about. They’ve done mortgages, store cards, pensions, all the usual cobblers. .”

  “Right,” I say, trying to sound focused. But as his words slowly sink in, I’m a bit dazed. Rory and Emma read my article? Rory and Emma themselves? I have a sudden vision of them holding the paper together, jostling for a good view.

  But of course, that’s silly, isn’t it? They’d have a copy each.

  “So, anyway, they want to have you on the show tomorrow morning,” Eric Foreman’s saying. “Talk about this windfall story, warn their viewers to take care. You interested in that kind of thing? If not, I can easily tell them you’re too busy.”

  “No!” I say quickly. “No. Tell them I’m. .” I swallow. “I’m interested.”

  As I put down the phone, I feel faint. I’m going to be on television.

  BANK OF HELSINKI

  Helsinki House 124 Lombard Street

  London EC2D 9YF

  Rebecca Bloomwood c/o William Green Recruitment 39 Farringdon Square London EC4 7TD

  27 March 2000

  Dere Rebecca Bloomwood: Finnish Finnish Finnish Finnish Finnish Finnish Finnish Finnish Finnish Finnish Finnish Finnish “Daily World” Finnish Finnish Finnish Finnish Finnish Finnish Finnish Finnish Finnish Finnish Finnish Finnish Finnish Finnish Finnish Finnish Finnish Finnish Finnish Finnish Finnish Finnish Finnish Finnish More Finnish More Finnish More Finnish More Finnish More Finnish More Finnish More Finnish More Finnish More Finnish More Finnish More Finnish More Finnish More Finnish More Finnish More Finnish More Finnish More Finnish More Finnish More Finnish More Finnish More Finnish Finnish good-bye,Jan Virtanen

  Nineteen

  THE CAR TO TAKE me to the television studios arrives promptly at seven-thirty the next morning. When the doorbell rings, Mum, Dad, and I all jump, even though we’ve been waiting in a tense silence for ten minutes.

  “Well,” says Dad gruffly, glancing at his watch. “They’re here, anyway.”

  Ever since I told him about the arrangements, Dad’s been predicting that the car won’t turn up and that he’ll have to drive me to the studios himself. He even worked out a route last night, and phoned up Uncle Malcolm as a standby. (To be honest, I think he was quite looking forward to it.)

  “Oh, Becky,” says Mum in a trembling voice. “Good luck, darling.” She looks at me, then shakes her head. “Our little Becky, on television. I can’t believe it.”

  I start to get up, but Dad puts out a restraining arm.

  “Now, before you answer the door, Becky,” he says. “You are sure, aren’t you? About the risk you’re taking.” He glances at Mum, who bites her lip.

  “I’ll be fine!” I say, trying to sound as soothing as possible. “Honestly, Dad, we’ve been over it all.”

  Last night, it suddenly occurred to Dad that if I went on the telly, my stalker would know where I was. At first he was adamant I’d have to call the whole thing off — and it took an awful lot of persuasion to convince him and Mum I’d be perfectly safe in the TV studios. They were even talking about hiring a bodyguard, can you believe it? I mean, what on earth would I look like, turning up with a bodyguard?

  Actually, I’d look pretty cool and mysterious, wouldn’t I? That might have been quite a good idea.

  The doorbell rings again and I leap to my feet.

  “Well,” says Dad. “You just be careful.”

  “I will, don’t worry!” I say, picking up my bag. I walk to the door calmly, trying not to give away how excited I feel. Inside I feel as light as a bubble.

  I just can’t believe how well everything’s going. Not only am I going to be on the telly, but everyone’s being so nice to me! Yesterday I had several phone conversations with an assistant producer of Morning Coffee, who’s a really sweet girl called Zelda. We went over exactly what I was going to say on the program, then she arranged for a car to come and pick me up — and when I told her I was at my parents’ house with none of my clothes handy, she thought for a bit — then said I could choose something to wear from the wardrobe. I mean, how cool is that? Choosing any outfit I like from the wardrobe! Maybe they’ll let me keep it afterward, too.

  As I open the front door, my stomach gives an excited leap. There, waiting in the drive, is a portly, middle-aged man in a blue blazer and cap, standing next to a shiny black car. My own private chauffeur! This just gets better and better.

  “Miss Bloomwood?” says the driver.

  “Yes,” I say, unable to stop myself from grinning in delight. I’m about to reach for the door handle — but he gets there before me, opens the car door with a flourish, and stands to attention, waiting for me to get in. God, this is like being a film star or something!

  I glance back toward the house and see Mum and Dad standing on the front step, both looking utterly gobsmacked.

  “Well — bye then!” I say, trying to sound casual, as though I always ride around in a chauffeur-driven car. “See you later!”

  “Becky, is that you?” comes a voice from next door, and Janice appears on the other side of the hedge in her dressing gown. Her eyes grow large as they take in the car and she glances at Mum, who raises her shoulders, as though to say “I know, isn’t it unbelievable?”

  “Morning, Janice,” says Dad.

  “Morning, Graham,” says Janice dazedly. “Oh, Becky! I’ve never seen anything like it. In all the years. . If Tom could only see you. .” She breaks off and looks at Mum. “Have you taken any photographs?”

  “We haven’t!” says Mum in dismay. “It didn’t even occur to us. Graham, quick — go and get the camera.”

  “No, wait, I’ll get our camcorder!” says Janice. “It won’t take me two ticks. We could have the car arriving in the drive, and Becky walking out of the front door. . and maybe we could use The Four Seasons as the soundtrack, and then cut straight to. .”

  “No!” I say hastily, seeing a flicker of amusement pass across the face of the driver. And I was doing so well at looking nonchalant and professional. “We haven’t got time for any pictures. I have to get to the studios!”

  “Yes,” says Janice, suddenly looking anxious. “Yes, you don’t want to be late.” She glances fearfully at her watch, as though afraid the program might already have started. “It’s on at elev
en, isn’t it?”

  “Eleven o’clock the program starts,” says Dad. “Set the video for five to, that’s what I’ve been telling people.”

  “That’s what we’ll do,” says Janice. “Just in case.” She gives a little sigh. “I shan’t dare to go to the loo all morning, just in case I miss it!”

  There’s an awed silence as I get into the car. The driver closes the door smartly, then walks around to the driver’s door. I press the button to lower my window and grin out at Mum and Dad.

  “Becky, darling, what will you do afterward?” says Mum. “Come back here or go back to the flat?”

  Immediately I feel my smile falter, and look down, pretending to fiddle with the window controls. I don’t want to think about afterward.

  In fact, I can’t even visualize afterward. I’m going to be on the telly. . and that’s as far as it goes. The rest of my life is shut securely away in a box at the back of my head and I don’t even want to remember it’s there.

  “I. . I’m not sure,” I say. “I’ll see what happens.”

  “They’ll probably take you out to lunch afterward,” says Dad knowledgeably. “These showbiz types are always having lunch with each other.”

  “Liquid lunches,” puts in Janice, and gives a little laugh.

  “At The Ivy,” says Mum. “That’s where all the actors meet up, isn’t it?”

  “The Ivy’s old hat!” retorts Dad. “They’ll take her to the Groucho Club.”

  “The Groucho Club!” says Janice, clasping her hands. “Isn’t that where Kate Moss goes?”

  This is getting ridiculous.

  “We’d better go,” I say, and the driver nods.

  “Good luck, sweetheart,” calls Dad. I close the window and lean back, and the car purrs out of the drive.

  For a while, we drive in silence. I keep casually glancing out of the window to see if anyone’s looking at me in my chauffeur-driven car and wondering who I am (that new girl on EastEnders, perhaps). Although we’re whizzing along the highway so fast, I probably look like a blur.