Stars Over Alaska

by Jennifer Snow

  “The smoke and mirrors act. I can see through it.”

  “Wow, the smoke I knew about, but mirrors too, huh?” Keep it light. Don’t let him bait you into this.

  “You don’t have to keep acting tough around me,” he said, letting the door to the room close as he walked toward her.

  “You better catch the...” It came up short against the bolt lock and stayed open.

  “No one else is here now,” he said, almost pleading with her to let her guard down, to be vulnerable, to show him some sign of the friend he’d known. His dark, penetrating eyes burrowed into hers, looking for any sign of the friendship they’d once had. “You can talk to me.”

  “I’m fine, Levi. I don’t need to talk. I’ve moved on.” Denial, refusal to acknowledge the pain was a way of moving on... Wallowing in the past wasn’t her way of dealing with things.

  “Well, then, you’re going to have to tell me how,” he said, his tone slightly desperate. “Because I’m still not okay. I was supposed to be the best man at my best friend’s wedding and instead, a week later, I’m wearing the same damn suit carrying his coffin.”

  Leslie winced. This was exactly why she’d avoided talking to him. There was no way he’d just leave the past in the past, where she needed it to stay. Levi was the kind of person who needed to fix things, solve things by addressing issues head on...but he couldn’t fix this, damn it, and talking about how they were both living with holes in their hearts where their best friend used to be wouldn’t help. Nothing—no amount of talking—could bring Dawson back. “Look, Levi, if you’re struggling, maybe you need to talk to someone...”

  “I’m trying to talk to someone right now. My best friend.” He searched her face, obviously looking for that person but she knew he wouldn’t find her. “I’m not okay and I know you aren’t either.” He took a step closer and touched her shoulder.

  The contact weakened her resolve far too much and she stepped back and folded her arms, desperate to hold the emotions in. If she broke even a little, she’d crack wide open. “We used to be best friends, but I haven’t been here in years. We haven’t even spoken in years.” Surely, he couldn’t still believe they were as close as before...or that she wanted to be. Why was he pressing the issue?

  “That’s exactly how I know you’re still processing and mourning,” he said. “You avoid any reminder of him—including me. On the surface anyway.” His sympathetic expression only angered her. Why couldn’t he just accept that she was fine burying things and moving forward? Why was he looking at her like it was okay to break, like he wanted her to break, maybe even needed her to as some sort of self-validation?

  She should not respond and walk away, but he’d hit a nerve assuming he knew what she was feeling. “What’s that supposed to mean?” she asked.

  “Just that I bet you still have that message.”

  Her stomach turned as though she’d been kicked. This was too much. He had no right to do this. She didn’t ask for his help or for him to hang around town. She wanted nothing from him, so how dare he try to make her feel bad for surviving the only way she knew how.

  And he wasn’t letting up. “The phone message from him—the last one before he died. You can’t bring yourself to erase it, can you? Because that would mean he’s really gone,” he said softly but with determination.

  Angry tears were too close and there was no way in hell she’d allow him to see her cry or know how close to the truth his words were. “You don’t know what you’re talking about, Levi, so please just stay out of my business.”

  She stalked away and punched the button for the elevator.

  Levi stood there in the hallway, hands shoved deep into the pockets of his jeans.

  That damn elevator could hurry the hell up. The lump in her throat threatened to choke her and her exterior felt ready to crumble.

  It chimed and the doors opened and she disappeared inside before her best friend could see the scar he’d torn wide open.

  * * *

  STAYING IN WILD RIVER had been a bad decision. Leslie wanted nothing to do with him. It broke his heart that he couldn’t get through her defenses. She was still hurting despite the brave face. People who’d moved on could face their past. Leslie was still running from it.

  He’d thought maybe her coming back home when she’d needed somewhere safe to go had been a sign that this was still that safe place for her. But maybe she’d just been trying to get Selena as far away from California as possible. If the cabin hadn’t caught fire, no one would have even known she was back.

  Inside his hotel room, Levi sighed as he lifted his T-shirt over his head and tossed it onto the chair next to the window.

  First thing in the morning, he was headed back to the station. He’d paid for the room, might as well enjoy a comfortable bed and expensive coffee before going back. He was exhausted, his brain was a fog and his muscles ached from tension and stress.

  A knock on the door had his heart racing.

  Opening it to Leslie, his mouth was dry. “Hey...”

  She held her cell phone with a shaking hand as she dialed her voicemail.

  Dawson’s voice on the recorded message made his throat constrict. He hadn’t heard it in over three years. He’d started to forget what it sounded like...now, all the hurt of having lost his best friend way too soon came flooding back.

  I won’t be long... Don’t start forever without me, Dawson was saying.

  Levi’s chest tightened. Dawson had no idea when he answered that call that his forever would be cut short. No one ever knew when it was their last day. When they’d run out of chances to do the things they wanted to do, say the things they needed to say. It was a harsh reminder to live life like any moment could be the last.

  Still, he was unable to voice his truth. Some things couldn’t be said.

  Leslie looked wrecked as the message ended. “So, maybe I’m not okay.”

  He opened his arms and she stepped into them. The earth shifted around him. She’d always been his best friend—and the woman he secretly loved. He’d held her a million times. But not like this.

  All the pain and the memories of the past—the good and bad and tragic—all wrapped around them. They’d each experienced the grief of loss and they’d each tried to move on, but separately. They’d not only lost Dawson, they’d lost each other.

  Holding her now, Levi’s emotions raged. He’d wanted her to open up to him. He’d wanted his best friend back...but these emotions running through him were more than that. The feel of her in his arms was one he never wanted to forget. It was fulfilling a part of him that longed to be the one she needed. “Shhh...it’s okay.” He murmured into her ear. He breathed in the scent of her skin at her neck and his mouth watered. His palms sweat and his heart pounded even louder in his chest. He tangled one hand into her hair and pulled back slightly to look at her.

  Her pain-filled expression met his and the longing and hurt changed to a flicker of confusion then something else. Desire and realization.

  Her gaze lowered to his bare chest and the intimacy of the moment seemed to hit her. Her arms lowered from around his neck and slid down his chest slowly, cautiously...as if on their own.

  Levi’s heart pounded beneath them. Her touch was foreign but not unwelcome. The feel of her fingers on his skin had him swallowing hard and fighting to resist the urge to pull her closer and press his lips to hers. He stared at the top of her head, unmoving, arms still wrapped around her waist as she caressed his bare body, almost as though in a trance...unaware of her actions and the effect they were having on him.

  She traced the shape of his pectoral muscles as her tears slowly stopped, her sobbing eased, then her fingers tickled along his waist.

  He couldn’t stand it. “Leslie...” It came out as a low, strangled sound and it snapped her attention back to his face. How he felt about her, had felt for so long, ha
d to be written all over his expression and he expected her to run from it.

  She should run from it.

  Instead, she reached up to cup his face between her hands. She stood on tiptoes and her mouth connected with his.

  Surprise had him momentarily paralyzed, but then he was backing up into the hotel room and closing the door behind her. She kept moving them forward, toward the bed and he stumbled over his discarded boots, gripping her tighter to steady himself.

  The back of his legs hit the edge of the bed and they fell onto it. Leslie’s body straddled him and her mouth never broke contact with his. Hungry, desperate kisses, as though she were searching for air to breathe, as though she’d find healing from the pain.

  His fingers dug into her waist as he felt himself grow thick. What the hell was he supposed to do? He never wanted to stop kissing her. This was a moment he’d only fantasized about, but right now he couldn’t enjoy it when he had no idea what was fueling it. She was upset and stressed and obviously needing someone. But just anyone?

  He couldn’t be that guy. He was the last one who could ever be that guy for her. He loved her too much to be just an impulsive act—one she’d regret, one that would just push them even further apart.

  Leslie’s hands reached for the button on his jeans and it took all his willpower to stop her.

  “Leslie...” He grabbed her hands and held tight.

  She shook her head. “I don’t want to talk.”

  Damn. Obviously not, but could he actually do this? Be with her? Give in to what he’d always wanted? Turn his brain off and go with the way his body was craving her? Even if it was only one time. Right here and now?

  No. He knew her actions were coming from her overwhelming sadness and grief and he didn’t want to take advantage of that. They needed to talk. He had no idea how much he was willing to tell her right now, but they couldn’t jump from no contact in years, both still struggling to move past the hurt, to getting physical in a moment of emotional stress.

  “Leslie, I want you.” There was no denying that. She’d already seen it on his face, felt it in his touch, saw the evidence in the bulge in his pants. “But not like this.” He squeezed her hands and released a deep breath.

  She blinked and yanked her hands away. Climbing off him quickly, she looked around the room as though unsure where she was or how she’d gotten there. Her hand flew to her lips, glossy and pink from their kisses. “Shit,” she muttered.

  He stood quickly and walked toward her. “Hey... Let’s sit and talk.”

  She shook her head. “No... That was...um.” Her gaze took in his shirtless state and her cheeks flamed red. “No. I don’t even know. Oh my God.” She turned in a circle as though looking for an exit, somehow not seeing the hotel room door right in front of her. She took a strangled-sounding breath and pressed a hand to her chest.

  She was freaking out. Great. Remorse, regret, he’d expected that, but she was completely unraveling. “Look, you weren’t wrong to... You read the situation correctly,” he said, unsure how to make her feel better about her actions. She didn’t need to feel embarrassed. He needed her to know that he’d wanted to kiss her just as badly. He wanted her.

  She scoffed. “This is insane. I have no idea what came over me.” She ran a hand over her hair and when her gaze landed on his bare body once again, she made a beeline toward the door.

  “Wait...please. Don’t run away. Let’s talk,” he said.

  She kept going. “There’s nothing to talk about.” She reached for the door handle, then swung back, anger the only emotion on her face now. “You’re something else, you know that? You poke and poke until you find the crack you’re looking for, then you act all valiant when I finally break. Well, screw you, Levi. I was fine before I got back here and I’ll be fine again. I don’t need you to try to help me in whatever twisted way you think you can.” She opened the door.

  Damn, she had this whole situation all wrong. He hurried after her, refusing to let her go believing that he’d had some secret agenda or a goal of hurting her. “Listen, I’m sorry. I just wanted you to open up to me. Let me in...”

  “So you could reject me?”

  What the hell? “That’s not what’s happening.” Not even close. He just knew her advances weren’t real. Not about him. It was all frustration and a need to take the edge off the intense emotions she’d been roller-coastering through the last few days. Anyone would seek any sort of release after the shit she’d been through so far that week.

  “It doesn’t matter. Nothing’s happening between us.”

  Not even a rekindled friendship. He heard her loud and clear.

  “Bye, Levi.” She left the room, letting the door close behind her.

  Once again, leaving him to stare after her, more conflicted than ever.

  CHAPTER NINE

  WHAT A NIGHTMARE. Only Leslie wasn’t sleeping. Hadn’t slept a wink since her embarrassing encounter with Levi the night before. How had her life turned into such a mess so quickly? She needed to pull it together and figure out a game plan stat. This adventure had already gone on too long. She ripped the tags from the new workout clothes she’d bought the day before and changed quickly. Then she paced in front of the bed, checking her watch.

  Selena’s snore was loud and steady. It was tempting to record it to use as ammunition the next time the star drove her up the wall. Threaten to post it online. How long could she stay asleep, anyway? Leslie coughed several times—nothing. She opened the bathroom door and slammed it. The star didn’t even budge.

  She couldn’t stand it any longer. She touched Selena’s shoulder. “Time to get up,” she said.

  Selena lifted one side of the silk eye mask provided by the resort that Leslie’s cash deposit would no doubt get dinged for and squinted up at her. “What time is it?”

  “Seven a.m.”

  Selena lowered the mask and rolled away from her, sprawling across the bed and hugging a pillow.

  Leslie released an annoyed breath. “Hey, I’m serious. Get up.”

  “I’m serious. Fuck off,” came Selena’s muffled reply.

  “I need to work out,” she said, shifting from one foot to the other. She was edgy and jittery and the lack of her morning five-mile run had her severely grumpy. Working out was her way to relieve stress and, well, there weren’t enough miles in the world to eliminate what she was feeling currently, but she had to start somewhere. A good workout would help her focus and hopefully exertion would help erase the memory of her hands all over Levi’s naked upper body.

  “I need to sleep,” Selena said. “I’m still jet-lagged from traveling.”

  “It’s an hour difference and technically it’s eight a.m. for your internal clock, so get out of bed.” Back in LA, the movie star would have already been on set for hours.

  “Why are you bugging me? Just go work out and when you’re done, come get me for breakfast.” Selena reached back with a lazy arm and bopped Leslie on the head. “Like a human snooze button.”

  That’s it. She’d officially snapped.

  Leslie grabbed the blankets and pulled them off the end of the bed.

  “Hey, what is your deal?” Selena sat up and raised the mask over her forehead.

  “I told you. I need to go to the gym and you need to come with me because I can’t leave you alone.”

  “You think my stalker knows where I am?”

  Leslie hesitated. Lying and saying yes would make this conversation a whole lot smoother, but she didn’t want Selena freaked out. “No. I don’t trust you.” If she made a phone call from the resort, everyone would know where they were within minutes and all of this would have been for nothing. And all of this could not have been for nothing. She changed her tone, knowing she was getting nowhere with the drill sergeant routine. “Please, Selena. There’s a hot tub and sauna. You said your skin was feeling dry from the c
old weather.”

  Selena looked annoyed at being patronized, but she swung her legs over the side of the bed. “Fine. But only because I’m turning into a lizard.”

  Whatever it took.

  Ten minutes later, Leslie cranked the speed on the treadmill in the otherwise empty workout room and forced her exhausted body to move. What speed and distance would erase a terrible decision from her memory?

  Unfortunately, there was no way she could outrun her poor judgment and stupid impulsivity the night before. Kissing Levi? What the actual fuck? It was almost as though the memory of it had happened to someone else. An out-of-body experience...that had felt really good. His shirtless body pressed against her and the passion in his kiss had made her body spring to life as she’d grabbed ahold of any emotion that didn’t make her feel anxious or numb.

  She groaned inwardly and cranked the speed higher.

  It had to be temporary insanity from the high-stress situation she was in, adrenaline-filled, emotionally-fueled actions, spurred on by Levi poking old wounds. She wasn’t attracted to Levi. She’d never let herself see him in that light...except for one time. As teens. When she’d put herself out there with the idea of a practice kiss. But he’d rejected her then too... At that moment, she’d drawn a line between them, placing him firmly into the friend category and never allowing herself to think of him in any other way.

  Until the night before, apparently.

  Jesus. She kept making a bigger mess of things.

  She inclined the machine, feeling the burn in her shins. A punishment for her actions.

  On the stationary bike next to her, Selena’s legs barely rotated as she flipped through a recent celebrity news magazine. “Do you think Brad and Jen are ever going to wake up and realize they are meant to be together?”

  Leslie didn’t care, even if she knew who Brad and Jen were. She had her own issues at the moment.

  “I mean the whole Angie thing was just sexual chemistry.”

  More flipping. Less pedaling.