Where Loyalties Lie

by Ramsower, Jill

  He was still dangerous to me but not in a lethal way. He had the power to derail my life. To turn on end everything I’d worked so hard for. Tamir wasn’t the type of man you had a crush on, dated, and married. A relationship with him would be life itself. He would become the air I breathed and my reason for waking each morning. That type of power was terrifying.

  I didn’t know if I ever wanted to give that kind of control over me to another human being, but the longer I was around Tamir, the more I worried that I had no say in the matter. He was a force of nature. His effect on me wasn’t something I could moderate or filter. The only options were to prepare for the devastating effects or to run, and the latter no longer felt like an option. That was how I knew I’d already fallen into his orbit. The pull toward him was too great to resist. I didn’t want to run and risk never seeing him again. The only thing left to do was to prepare for the fall and pray it would be worth the long descent.

  ***

  An hour later, we squared off outside the cabin, both layered in comfortable clothes that allowed movement but kept away the increasing chill in the air. We both did a round of warmup exercises, our breath puffing out in small clouds, and our footfalls echoing loudly beneath the canopy of trees.

  “Our options are somewhat limited without the proper training pads, but we can still practice plenty of techniques. Let’s start with some simple punch defenses—just the motions with little force—more for muscle memory than simulation.”

  Tamir rotated randomly through jabs, hooks, and uppercuts at a reasonable speed, allowing me to adjust to his attacks and produce the proper defense, whether it be a redirect of his strike or a block. Going through the motions was incredibly empowering even though it wouldn’t be the same as defending myself against a real attacker. I remembered all too well how hard it was to think clearly back in that alley when I’d been grabbed. The hope was that, if I practiced enough, the movements would become second nature, and I wouldn’t have to think about them. If a hand came toward my face, I would deflect it instinctually.

  We segued into kick defenses, which often involved a built-in counterstrike. Feign to the side, block the kick, then flow directly into a punch to the face. Even practicing at a fraction of the speed, my muscles quickly grew tired from the exertion. A part of me wanted to call an end to the session, but I also hated to wimp out when Tamir was still going strong.

  “Had enough for one day?” He smirked. Apparently, I hadn’t hidden my fatigue as well as I thought.

  “It’s been a week since I’ve trained. I can tell I’m going to be sore tomorrow.”

  “It doesn’t take long for the muscle to atrophy. If we practice a little each day, it’ll keep you from regressing in your training.”

  “What about you? I hate for you to get soft while you’re out here with me,” I teased.

  Tamir arched a brow. “Soft?”

  “You know what I mean. Slow your reflexes or whatever.”

  “At this point for me, it’s like riding a bike. Even a short absence doesn’t tend to affect me. But if you’re worried, you can always put me to the test. See if you can actually lay a finger on me in my softened state.” A challenge. He was suggesting we reversed our roles, and I attacked him for a change.

  The corners of his eyes creased at the excited anticipation of demonstrating his skills. How could I deny such an atypical display of enthusiasm on his part? Plus, if I could actually land a strike, I’d feel on top of the world.

  I closed in until he was within striking distance and lifted my fists on guard. We both stayed light on our feet, eyes locked on one another with grins on our faces.

  “Don’t be scared,” he goaded me.

  “You’re going to be awfully embarrassed when I bring you to your knees.” I launched two quick strikes as I spoke, hoping to catch him off guard. It was little surprise that it didn’t work. He easily evaded my attacks.

  “Come on. Surely, you can do better than that. I thought those cousins of yours would have taught you something you could use.”

  “They fought dirty, literally. I doubt you want me to throw dirt in your eyes so I can sneak in a punch.” This time, I feigned a punch but swept out with my leg, almost catching his ankle.

  “Not bad. If I’d been an ordinary man, that would have done its job.”

  “If you’d been an ordinary man, I wouldn’t be here.”

  I’d be dead in an alley … or worse.

  As soon as I finished the words, I rushed forward to shove my shoulder into his sternum. I fully expected him to block me and send me flying by him, but something about what I’d said made him lose focus. He didn’t evade in time, which meant my strike hit home and sent us both crashing to the ground.

  “Oh, shit!” I yelped. “Are you okay?”

  He lay on his back with me half on top of him, eyes cast at the clouded sky. “I’m never going to hear the end of this, am I?”

  “Not ever, so long as I’m around to remind you.”

  His gaze dropped to my face, where I wore a smile worthy of the red carpet. Those calculating eyes briefly strayed to my lips. “It’s definitely good for a man to stay humble … I wouldn’t want to lose that.” His words hung in the air between us, a sultry curtain of innuendo.

  Feeling awkward and uncertain, I lifted off him and dusted the dirt from my knees and hands. Tamir followed suit, stretching out his back as he stood.

  “I really am sorry about that,” I offered with a grimace.

  “Don’t worry about it. I deserved it.” His words were grumbled, and he didn’t meet my eyes again before he disappeared back inside the cabin.

  Tamir was quiet for the rest of the day. I got the feeling what I’d said had upset him, but I had no idea why. I gave him a wide berth, or at least as much space as two people in a tiny cabin can give one another.

  A heavy coating of snow transformed the landscape overnight. It was a spectacular sight. The early morning sun glinted off millions of tiny snowflakes on the open patch of ground in front of the cabin. It was magical. Surreal.

  The best part was how undisturbed it remained. In the city, the snow was hardly on the ground a minute before it was sullied into a gray sludge. Tamir had enough firewood inside that we didn’t even have to mar the perfection with a single boot print.

  After we ate breakfast, I pulled out the deck of cards I’d found while cleaning. “Let’s play a game. I don’t think either of us can sit in the cabin all day without going a little crazy if we don’t do something.”

  “You’ll have to teach me. I doubt we know any of the same games.” He sipped on his coffee across from me at the table.

  “If I managed to teach Isaac and Averi a few games, I’m sure I can teach you.” I dealt out seven cards to each of us. “We’re going to start with a classic. This one’s called crazy eights. The objective is to get rid of your cards first. You have to play either the same suit or the same number as the top card in the discard pile, and eights are wild. See? Easy peasy.”

  He fanned out the cards in his deft fingers. “I probably shouldn’t agree to this. My sister always beat me at games, and I wasn’t exactly gracious about losing.”

  “I thought you said you’d never lost to a woman,” I teased about his drunken comment back at the motel room.

  His eyes flitted up from his cards to meet my challenging gaze. “I may have massaged the truth a bit.”

  “I see.” My eyebrows rose to my hairline. “Fortunately, I never believed you for a second.” I started the game, playing a seven of hearts onto the two of hearts in the discard pile.

  Tamir played next, discarding a spade and making me draw a small stack of cards.

  “It’s not looking good for you,” he prodded. “Maybe you should just surrender this hand.”

  “Surrender? Don’t be absurd. I’ll draw the entire pile before I concede defeat to you.”

  Two minutes later, Tamir played his last card and won the round with a smug grin.

  I collec
ted the cards and began to shuffle. “Beginner’s luck. Get ready to go down, tough guy.” I dealt a new round and won it along with the following two games.

  “As much fun as it is to lose, I think I’m done.”

  “I’d goad you about being a sore loser, but my head is killing me. I think I’m done too.”

  His brows drew together with concern. “You have a headache?”

  “Yeah, but it’s just because of my damn hair. Sleeping with damp hair makes my curls wild when they dry. I’ve been keeping my hair in a bun to tame it, but after a while, that gives me a headache.” I massaged my temples, but it was only a temporary fix.

  “Why don’t you braid it instead?”

  “I can put it in a ponytail and do a braid from there, but that still bothers my head. I’ve never learned to French braid. Tita couldn’t because of the arthritis in her hands, and I didn’t have many girlfriends growing up.”

  Tamir rose from his chair and went toward the bathroom. “Take down the bun.”

  Confused, I did what he said. When he came back over, he held my brush in his hand.

  “I don’t know, Tam. It’s pretty knotted right now.” I was petrified he was going to tear my scalp to pieces and make my headache ten times worse.

  He pulled his chair behind mine and sat. “My sister had hair a lot like yours,” he said as he ran his fingers through my unruly waves. “She used to cry when our mother would brush her hair, so I started brushing it when we were little. As we got older, I taught myself to braid her hair. It was a part of our evening routine for a long time. I’d brush out her hair and braid it as we talked about our day at school.” He took only the ends of my hair and gently worked the tangles out, then moved upward, one section at a time.

  “I can’t say I’m not a little envious. It sounds wonderful to have a sibling you were so close to.”

  “She also loved to tease me and push my buttons, but for the most part, we got along well growing up.” He worked at my hair for long minutes until he’d brushed out every tangle. The feel of the strokes all the way down my long hair soothed the tension in my neck and eased the pain in my head, but when Tamir set down the brush and ran his strong fingers through my hair, I positively melted.

  In fact, a moan might have slipped past my parted lips.

  “This feels too good; you’re going to make me drool.”

  Tamir chuckled. “It’s been a while since I’ve done this, so don’t expect miracles the first time.” He gathered the hair near my forehead and began to weave strands together, slowly working his way downward. “Braiding your hair at night will keep it from being unruly in the morning, and hopefully, it will also keep you from having headaches.”

  The juxtaposition of having this fierce, dangerous man caring for me in such a gentle manner warmed me from the inside out. I wasn’t used to being treated so tenderly. It was addicting. I wanted to latch on to the feeling and never let go.

  Each night, I got a dose of Tamir’s affection, and like a junkie, I looked forward to the time each evening when I was the sole focus of his attention. I craved it. I dreamed about the feel of his hands sifting through my hair. It was the one window in time when we had no secrets between us and no baggage to sort through. It was pure and innocent, although the feelings it stirred inside me were anything but.

  My need for Tamir grew rapidly each day, but I wasn’t willing to risk crossing that line. Not while we were stuck together with no way to flee potential rejection. Instead, we established a new normal over the next two weeks as we lived at the cabin.

  Tamir took a trip into town to load up on supplies, but otherwise, we stayed alone in the woods. Thanksgiving was commemorated with hot dogs over a campfire and the last swigs of our remaining whiskey. We spent our days on home improvement projects or hunting, working companionably side by side.

  I would have thought enjoying some normalcy would have brought me peace, but each day, I felt further from it. In fact, the closer I felt to Tamir, and the more I enjoyed his presence, the more distraught I became. Sexual tension mounted to a boiling point, but I couldn’t go there with him. Not when I hadn’t told him the whole truth. And every day that passed, the guilt gnawed at me like an angry piranha, trying to devour me whole.

  Chapter 18

  Emily

  While Tamir had gone into town to do a weekly restock of our supplies, I decided to take a walk on one of the trails. It was amazing how a person could learn to recognize specific trees or clusters of rocks. At first, I wouldn’t wander out of view of the cabin without Tamir present to make sure I could find my way back, but as each day passed, I grew more comfortable with the winding pathways.

  I had to bundle up to ward off the crisp morning air. We were now a week into December, which meant I’d been dealing with the fallout of what I’d witnessed for almost a year.

  It was closer to eight months, but it felt like a year. It felt like an eternity.

  I was in a dramatic frame of mind, but that was because it was the day before my birthday. I had told myself when I took the leap and entered WitSec that by the time my birthday rolled around, I would be well on my way to a new life. Instead, I was turning twenty-seven in a shack in the woods, hiding out to stay alive.

  Not where I wanted to see myself at this point.

  Every day, the crushing weight of uncertainty bore down on me just a little bit heavier. On top of that, I missed my brother and sister. It had torn a hole in my heart when I left, and the wound only seemed to worsen rather than heal. Even out in the wilderness, where I should feel invigorated and refreshed, I felt small and lost.

  But the thing that ate at me the most was my suffocating guilt over lying to Tamir. I was falling for him more and more every day, allowing him to help me under false pretenses. It made me feel like I couldn’t breathe.

  I was swimming in a sea of negative emotions, unable to see my way to the surface. They compounded one another, magnifying their effect until I had to get out. Get out of the cabin. Get out of my head.

  A branch cracking, not far away, startled me from my thoughts. As I honed in on my surroundings, I realized I’d been standing in one place for some time. I hadn’t even realized I’d stopped. Turning only my head to stay as quiet as possible, I scanned the area all around me but saw nothing unusual.

  “Found you,” Tamir’s deep voice rumbled behind me.

  “Dios Mío, you scared me,” I shrieked and jumped to the side, unsure how he’d transported himself so close to me without making a sound. “You shouldn’t sneak up on a girl like that.” I swatted at his arm, but he easily evaded me.

  “I thought you’d hear me coming, but when I realized you were zoned out, I decided to have a little fun. I had to snap a small tree in half to get your attention. What had you so preoccupied?”

  My eyes wandered to a nearby tree. “Lots of stuff, I guess. My birthday, my real birthday, is tomorrow. I knew back when I got into this mess that it wouldn’t be easy, but I didn’t expect it to be so difficult either. I’m turning twenty-seven with no family, no home, no job, and if I’m not careful, I won’t even make it to twenty-eight. It all just got to me, and I don’t think the self-imposed isolation is helping. Don’t get me wrong, I’m incredibly grateful for your help. I’m just not used to so much time away from civilization.” I turned and started us walking back toward the cabin.

  Tamir fell into step beside me. He didn’t say anything right away, which I appreciated. Nothing he could say would change my situation. If there was an easy solution, we would have assessed it already.

  “You know what? I think you’re right. I think it’s time for you to get away from the cabin for a bit.”

  “Really?” My heart began a gentle dance to the tune of excitement and trepidation.

  “Right by the market is a little restaurant. I think it’s more like a bar, but either way, it should do the trick. Let’s go out for dinner tonight to celebrate your birthday.”

  I jerked to a stop, and the second T
amir turned toward me, I flung my arms around him in a crushing hug. “Oh my God, you don’t know how happy that would make me to pretend everything is normal just for a night.” When I pulled away and realized what I’d done, I felt awkward. I dropped my gaze to the ground and my mud-caked shoes. “Oh, hell,” I moaned. “I don’t think I own a single thing that doesn’t stink or isn’t covered in dirt.”

  “I picked up a couple of new things for each of us at the store this morning. I’m starting to look like a lumberjack, but at least they shouldn’t kick us out from the stench.” We washed our clothes by hand every few days, but it felt like a thankless task because they were stinky and soiled again in no time.

  “I don’t suppose you have any scissors here? I could help you with your hair, but only if you want. I used to trim my dad’s hair and sometimes, my cousins.”

  He peered at me briefly with a smirk, then started us walking again. “I think I have something that should work.”

  ***

  “You want me to trim your hair with utility scissors? I don’t know, Tamir. What if it looks terrible?” I held the heavy steel scissors in my hand like I would a dead fish. They were a far cry from the delicate shears I’d used previously to cut hair.

  “Then it’ll grow back. The waves just get tangled out here when it’s long. As far as I’m concerned, we could just shave it all off.”

  “No! Your hair is entirely too pretty for that. Fine, sit down, and let’s get this over with.”

  We pulled one of the dining chairs outside. It was low, but Tamir was tall enough to make up the difference. I stood behind him and hesitantly wove my fingers through his thick hair. It was interesting to have the tables turned. The act felt intimate, and I wondered how Tamir felt when he did my hair in the evenings. If he felt a fraction of the desire I felt for him, it was a wonder he hadn’t tried to take our relationship further.

  I began at the bottom, trimming away the hair that covered his neck. He’d needed a haircut before we started our little adventure, and now, it was downright shaggy. When I worked my way toward the top, I had to stand in front of him to check the length of my cuts, something that had been unremarkable when I’d cut my father’s hair. But with Tamir, it was an entirely different experience.