“Listen to me, Shelby. I want you to take some calming breaths. I’m going to hang up with you and call for help, and then I will call you back. Do you understand?”
“Yes, okay. Please hurry.”
After I dialed 911, I called Jagger, but my call went straight to voicemail, and then it was the same with Tenley. I was trying to stay focused on the road while deciding who I could call. Everyone I knew and trusted was not answering their phones. I took a breath of my own and then called back Shelby, who was in a complete panic and crying, which left me devastated.
“Shelby, listen to me. I want you to stay put and wait for the ambulance that I had dispatched to you. I’ve called Jagger and Tenley too. Once they call me back, I will have them go to you. Please, just stay there and wait for help to arrive. I am driving as fast as I can to reach you, but for now, you have to depend on our friends.”
“No! I need you. Why Shane? Why did you leave me? And especially now when I need you—no, we—need you the most. This can’t be happening. Our baby has to be alright.”
“Shelby, calm down and breathe. I love you so much, and I love our child. I would have never left had I known you weren’t feeling well. You are not due for two months, and I saw no risk of leaving for a few days.”
“You never do, do you, Shane? You are so damn selfish and only care about this fucking ranch.”
“Baby, that’s not true. I love you. I love our life and our child. Please just calm yourself and breathe for me. I am on my way.”
“I’m not waiting. I can get into town quicker than the ambulance can get to me. Just meet me there if you could find the time.”
“No! I need you to stay where you are. The roads are snow-covered and treacherous if you’re not careful. Hello? Shelby?”
The line went dead and so did my heart. What the fuck! This was not Shelby, and to say that bullshit to me was definitely not my sweet wife who showered me with love every second of every day. This was the fear talking.
I quickly called Jagger, and my call went directly to voicemail. Fuck. This is not happening. I was making another call to my mom when Jagger finally called me back.
“Jagger, thank god. Where are you, man?” I asked frantically.
“Shane, when you called me, I was way up past the north ridge of the ranch and only had my horse as my means of transportation. It took me some time to get back down to the stables, where I could get my truck. Once I heard your message, I got home as fast as I could. I’m in my truck now, making my way to your place.”
“Where’s Tenley? I called you both. Dammit, Jag, I thought you two were together when I called.”
“Shane, it’s a work day here on the ranch. In case you have forgotten, my wife doesn’t run cattle and fix fences. Tenley is at home with Jamie, who is nursing a bad cold right now. I told you that the last time we spoke. She probably didn’t hear her phone because she’s too busy tending to our son. Listen, man, I’m almost there. Don’t kill yourself getting here.”
“I’m sorry, Jagger, but it may be too late. I just got off the phone with Shelby, and she’s frantic. She refused to wait for the ambulance and took off on her own, but not before hanging up on me.”
“Oh shit! Okay, I’m just pulling up. She drives the red Dodge, right?”
“Yeah, is it there?”
“No, only the ranch truck is here. Okay, she couldn’t have gone far. Let me double back, and then as soon as I catch up to her, I will call you.”
“Thanks, Jagger. Please hurry.”
I disconnected my call with Jagger and just prayed. When I finally reached the Wyoming state line, the feeling of dread was unraveling me. I repeatedly phoned Shelby, filling her voice mailbox. I kept on driving until my best friend called me back. I tried not to focus on the time and listened to music to keep me from going completely insane. I was never a patient man, as the minutes felt like hours ticking by.
I passed the turn off that would bring me home to the Fairchild Ranch when my phone buzzed in my pocket. The familiar ringtone belonged to Jagger, and my heart just about sunk deep into my chest. Answering it on the second ring, I barely got out a simple hello before Jagger started talking.
“Shane, you need to come to the hospital. It’s bad, bro. Shane, are you there?” he asked.
“I’m on my way.” I disconnected the call and floored it until I reached the town limits of Jackson Hole. I’d been driving what felt like endless hours. I finally reached the medical center and then hurried to the emergency room, not caring where I left my truck. As I made my way inside, all eyes were on me as Jagger slowly approached me.
“Where is she? Where’s my wife?” I shouted.
Grabbing me by my shoulders, Jagger said, “Shane, thank god you are here.”
“Just tell me, man.” I tried to move past him, but he held me back.
“There’s been an accident.”
“Yes, I know. Now what the fuck happened?”
“Shelby and the ambulance somehow collided with each other, causing her vehicle to flip off the road. By the time I reached the scene, Shelby was unconscious and pinned beneath the steering column of her truck. The Jaws of Life chopper arrived after the EMT’s dispatched them to her location. She was airlifted here and immediately taken into surgery.”
I bit back the tears threatening to fall. I knew I had to be strong for Shelby and our child.
“Shane,” my mother called out as she tried to take me in her arms. “Oh my god, you’re here. We’ve been so worried.”
I then noticed my father, Brock, and Ren all back from their trip with all eyes on me. My mom was still trying to get me to connect with her, but I was numb. My father walked up behind my mother and then held my face in his strong hands and leaned his forehead up against mine.
He said, “I see it in your eyes, and I feel it on your skin. You are seconds away to losing your shit, but hold on, son, for your wife and child. Hang on, you hear me?”
When my eyes met his concerned ones, I simply nodded in agreement. He then took me in his arms and gave me a bear hug. My mother led me over to the waiting room, where I took a seat. I felt as if I was going to collapse from exhaustion and my fear was getting the best of me, not knowing anything about my wife. My eyes were burning with unshed tears. The waiting was killing me.
I had been here for more than two hours with no word at all. I had just reached my limit of patience when I saw two doctors dressed in scrubs and Shelby’s doctor, Dr. Tillman, walking beside them. They entered through the double doors and were walking straight for me. I stood immediately, with my parents on either side of me. Jagger was quietly waiting in the corner.
Dr. Tillman patted me on my shoulder, and then the other two men introduced themselves. “Mr. Rhodes, I’m Dr. Johnson, and this is my colleague, Dr. Kirkland. We operated on your wife.”
“Please, just tell me. How is she?”
“With proper rehabilitation, your wife will make a full recovery. She has a few broken ribs, and her leg is fractured not broken. No visible swelling of the brain, just a laceration from hitting the windshield that has now been stitched up.”
“And the baby? How’s my son?” no one answered. I looked directly at Dr. Tillman, and asked my question again, but he looked crestfallen. He was more than a doctor to us, he was also a family friend who cared about us.
Dr. Johnson answered for him. “I’m sorry, Mr. Rhodes, but there was too much trauma to your wife’s abdomen, and with the significant blood loss, she lost the baby. We had to perform an emergency hysterectomy to stop the bleeding. She had thrown a clot during surgery, and we were running out of time. I had no choice but to remove her uterus to save her life. I am so sorry, Mr. Rhodes.”
“Shane, there’s more,” Dr. Tillman said.
“More?” I whispered. Dr. Tillman urged me to sit back down but I couldn’t move my legs. I needed to hear it, all of it.
“Shane, in an emergency situation, more like a life or death situation, we have to act fast an
d do the best we can for our patient. In this case, we had two, and I knew I would do everything in my power to save your child, but what I didn’t expect to see is that…” he hesitated and got choked up on his words. “Son, I knew right away the minute we made the incision. Your son’s umbilical cord had a series of twisted knots that cut off his oxygen supply. After I examined him, his measurements and growth were on target to the pregnancy. This is rare, and no one could have known this was happening inside of her body. He must have died in utero, I’m estimating 24 to 36 hours ago. I can’t stress this enough to you that no matter the circumstance, there was no preventing this from happening. She did everything right in her pregnancy, and I know you long enough to see the guilt already in your eyes. You did nothing wrong. It just happened, and I am so sorry for your loss.”
“I am so sorry for your loss.” The words kept playing on a loop in my head and would not stop. I looked around the crowded room to see every single person who loves us just cry and comfort the other, while I feared I would never feel anything again.
“Shane, do you want to see him?” he asked. I sat in silence remembering every single moment I felt my son kick from inside Shelby’s stomach. It was amazing knowing our love created another life and now he’s gone. No, I can’t do it. I have to remember him how I pictured him in my mind. I couldn’t form the words to say to Dr. Tillman, as I fought back the pain of our loss. I moved my head from side to side and that was all I could manage before I fell apart. I watched Dr. Tillman let out a breath and turn to walk out of the waiting room.
At that moment, I felt as if my world had completely shattered into millions of broken pieces, ones that would never be put back together again. My hands began to shake, and then the rest of my body succumbed to the severity of what I was just told. I slowly dropped to my knees and roared out my pain, pounding my fists on the hard floor. I felt my father and Jagger at my back, but I shoved them away while I continued to punish myself. My knuckles were torn open and my hands were covered in blood as the realization hit me right through my chest.
The dream of becoming a father had died alongside that country road all because I wasn’t here for my wife and child.
Where do we go from here? And how am I supposed to tell her that our son was dead?
Shane
Another day in the life of my daily hell. I kept replaying the argument over in my mind and the way I left. I just couldn’t breathe. It felt as if I was choking, and if I didn’t do something quick, then I would have completely suffocated on the words that she had shouted at me. This was no way to live and I didn’t know what to do to help my wife or myself. All I knew was that we have never been the same since our son died.
“What are you doing, you stupid asshole?” I shouted out to myself into thin air.
I held my head in my hands in defeat. Here I was, alone and playing out every detail of the argument I had with my wife and how I walked out on her and blocked out her calling out, begging me to come back. I should have stayed, but I had reached my limit with the distance that had been between us for more than a year, and I was suffocating from it.
“Where are you going?” she shouted at my back as I was headed for the door.
“I’m leaving, Shelby. Isn’t that what you want me to do? I can’t change the past. Lord knows I wish I could, but I can’t. I love you and a part of me always will, but I can no longer live—no—exist in this life with you when all you feel when you look at me is contempt. He was my son too, and somewhere deep and buried in your grief, you have forgotten that.”
She gasped and began to cry, but I said nothing more and didn’t attempt to comfort her. I remember seeing something shift in her eyes after I mentioned our son, and then I couldn’t stand there any longer while she cried. I left and prayed I could drown out the memory of her calls to come back.
I wasn’t going to lie; I missed my wife. I loved my wife. Before my signal totally cut out from being far out into the mountains, I had dozens of missed calls from Shelby.
How many times could I allow her to shatter and break me down? I was barely hanging on, and this last fight may have been the worst one yet. Since the moment we lost our son, we’ve been here, but in our hearts, someplace else. I worked the ranch day in and day out, and Shelby fell deeper into depression. When she was lucid, she yelled and blamed me for not being there for her and for choosing the ranch over her and our child. Those times cut me like a knife. I’ve bled out more times than I care to ever revisit. I meant every word I said to my wife before I walked out. I wish I could turn back time to the night that had led me here wallowing in my own guilt and facing the reality that I cannot change what happened to our child and the life we once had together.
After the words crossed over the doctor’s lips, it was hard to piece together what followed next because it was all a blur. I remember Jagger and my father trying to pull me up from the floor, but I punched and shoved at them until they finally stepped away and just allowed me to feel the enormity of the situation I was in. My hands were a bloody mess, and once I stopped fighting and just completely fell apart, that’s when I allowed my family to help me. My mother was crying, and the look on her face when she had to witness me hurting myself was just one more memory I want to forget. Deep down I knew my place should have been with Shelby, but I also needed to let go of some of the rage I had felt, knowing my son was dead.
I had been up here for hours getting lost in my memories, the most painful ones of my life. Just me and my horse looking out to the Teton Mountains and hoping for a sign, anything that would give me clarity over what my life had become.
I continued to look out and just breathe in the cool mountain air. I knew once I was up here, I wasn’t going anywhere. I pulled out a bottle of whiskey from Yankee’s saddlebag and began to gulp down the brown liquid that burned my throat. Shelby already hates me, so why not get drunk and just add one more reason to her long list of reasons to keep on hating me?
Once the alcohol began to do its job and numb my feelings, I sat my ass down and rested up against the tree. My eyes found the night sky, and there he was—Jamie, my brother and best friend—shining down on me.
Jagger told me that on the night his son was born, he looked up to the sky and found the brightest star he could find. He knew then it was Jamie, our brother and friend. He would forever be our guiding light from the heavens above to help us find our way when we needed him most. Is this one of those times? I needed him more than ever and prayed he would help me. He was the philosophical one from our group, but hell, he sure made a lot of sense.
As I continued to drink, I hoped I would just pass out, but my pain was too great for that. It had been hours since I left on Yankee to clear the ravaging thoughts that occupied my mind. It was the only way I knew how, to just ride and fly as fast as my horse could take me in the hopes that I would be able to breathe life back into my lungs and feel something for a goddamn second and remember what it meant to be alive. Because after the worst year of my life, I still feel…dead.
My eyes began to close when I heard a familiar voice.
“You know, if you were planning to stay up here all night and drink yourself to death, maybe you should have brought your pack with you. At least you would be warm once the buzz of that cheap whiskey wore off.”
I looked up and saw my father standing before me.
“What are you doing here?” I asked with defensiveness in my tone.
Seeing my father here felt as if he was crossing some arbitrary line and crowding me when all I wanted was to be alone.
“I could ask you the same thing, Shane. What are you doing? How much deeper are you going to sink into your black hole? Drinking and riding is never a good combination.”
Black hole? Yeah, that’s a good word to describe where I am emotionally. I was angry and didn’t care how much of an asshole I appeared to be to my father. I just wanted to lash out, and since he was here, and uninvited, it might as well be towards him.
“Gee, I don’t know, pop. Maybe I’ll just stay right here and finish off this whiskey and freeze to death. It’s not like I’ll be missed anyway.”
“Get up!” he shouted.
“No!” I replied in defiance.
“Shane, get the fuck up and stand on your feet like the man I raised. I will not ask again.”
“No!” I shouted louder toward my father, but not before I said, “Fuck off, and leave me alone.”
Once the words passed over my lips and registered with my father, it didn’t take long for the bear of a man my father was to pull me up by my shoulders and shove me into the tree I was leaning against. Then a right hook to my jaw landed me back on the hard ground.
“Leave you alone? Hell no! For what? So you could lose yourself in your pain and forever separate yourself from the ones who love you? Hell will freeze over before I allow that to happen.” He knelt down where he was now eye to eye with me. “I won’t pretend to know how you feel and what you’ve been through, but son, running away and hiding up here all day and every day will not bring him back. All it is proving is that you are further slipping away from Shelby and your family. We need you, son. Please, come home.”
“She blames me, daddy. It’s my fault.”
“No, son, it’s not. It was an accident. A horrible, unforgiving accident. It’s not your fault. How many times do I have to say these words for you to believe them? As for Shelby, she’s so lost in her own grief that she can’t see how much she’s hurt you along the way. Shane, you can’t give up and hide up here drinking and talking to the clouds. You need to go back.”
“For what? So my wife can tell me she hates me again? Don’t you get it? I should have been with her. If I was, then she would have never been driving on that road, and we would be holding our child today.”
“Shane, stop it. Blaming yourself will not bring him back. It’s only going to destroy you in the end. I know you don’t want to hear this, but you need to. Why was Shelby on that road to begin with? Hmmm? Tell me, son.”
Shane Page 2