“She felt something was wrong and wanted to get to the hospital.”
“Exactly, and knowing help was on the way, she didn’t wait and still went on her own.”
“Don’t blame her. Don’t you dare.” I lunged toward my father to strike back, but he was quicker and grabbed my fist with his one hand.
“Stop it, Shane. Don’t you do something you cannot take back. You must listen to me. I am not blaming Shelby, but you have to look at the full picture here. Shelby is part of this just as much as you are. You were not a neglectful husband that just took off and left his pregnant wife home alone. She had a few months to go in her pregnancy, and for all you both knew, everything was going well with no complications. Look at the ranch we live on; she could have called any number of ranch hands to help her. Yes, I know some of us were away, but she was never alone. She made a conscious choice to leave and not wait for the help that was coming. I’m so sorry, son, but all of this guilt you are carrying around just can’t be on you.”
“No, you’re wrong. I shouldn’t have left her.”
“And, she shouldn’t have been driving. Son, despite all the facts that led up to the accident and the grave loss that followed, you still need to keep in mind the reason behind Shelby wanting to get to the hospital in the first place. Something was wrong with the pregnancy, and it was fear that drove Shelby to do what she did. It was her natural instinct as a mother to protect her unborn child. Accident or no accident, the result would have still been the same. He was stillborn, Shane. You heard what her doctors told you. She did everything right in the pregnancy. Every single day, she cared for herself and the child she was carrying, and there is nothing that she or you could have done to prevent what happened to your son. As much as it pains me to say this, it was just bad luck. The accident did not kill your son. Please, Shane, you need to believe that.”
“Why are you doing this to me? I never thought you would be so cruel.” I buried my face in my hands and cried.
“Look at me,” he said. When I didn’t respond, he shouted as loud as he could, “You must listen and really hear me, Shane.”
He grabbed me by my shoulders to force me to look at him and worse—to hear what he was desperately trying to make me believe. “I am not saying this to hurt you. You need to see what is right in front of you. The autopsy results proved that he had multiple knots in his umbilical cord cutting off his oxygen supply. You know this, son. Dr. Tillman told you all of this so many times. He didn’t suffer. He just fell asleep. By the time the surgeons got in there, he was stillborn. What followed next was a cruel twist of fate, not my words here today, son. You need to get a handle on your life before you completely spiral out of control and we lose you too.”
He let out ragged breaths in defeat as I remained in his grasp, silent to his words. He threw his hands up in the air and cursed loud enough to scare the horses. “Dammit, Shane! It wasn’t your fault!”
I dropped my head, and he knew I was gone. After the mention of our son, I had completely zoned him out.
“I love you, son. As much as you believe that you are alone, you’re not. We will be waiting for you when you’re ready.” He mounted his horse and left me there alone to drown in my sorrow and pain, but most of all, my guilt.
Shelby
As much as I screamed for him to come back, deep down in my heart, I knew he might not be returning home. It was my fault, all of it, but something always kept me from making things right between us. He tried every day since the day we lost our son to make things right again for us, but all I had done since then was shut him out.
I’d been so cruel to Shane. How could I blame him for walking out on me? He did exactly what I wanted him to do. He left. I watched him walk away from me and our home and just leave. As I stood there on our porch screaming at him to get out, the realization hit me like a bullet to the chest that he might just listen for once and not come home to me. I immediately regretted my actions, but it was too late. He was gone. Shane was right. I never cared about his grief. I carried our son inside of me for all of those months, so naturally I believed I would be the only one to truly suffer and feel his loss. Oh god, that’s not true. Shane wanted our son from the moment I told him I was pregnant. He loved him so much and was already an amazing father. What have I done to us? And how do I get him back? The fear that coursed through me was crippling. What if he finally threw in the towel and closed the door to our marriage?
What was I doing? How could Shane stand to look at me after all I had done to him and to our relationship? By the time my brain connected with my heart, it was too late to reach him. I tried calling him back, but why would he answer when I begged him to go? I called and called him, but all my calls went straight to voicemail. I would be the last person he would ever want to speak with.
After a few hours passed, I just stood there in my big empty home, contemplating what I would do next. The gun cabinet that was off to the corner never looked more inviting. I could have my pick, and one single shot would end my misery, and Shane’s too, for that matter. He would find me, feel hurt for a while, and then pick up the pieces of the wreckage that I would have left for him to clean up.
“What are you doing?” I said to myself aloud, and then I heard a familiar voice from behind me.
“Exactly. What in the hell are you doing, Shelby?”
I quickly turned around to see Wendy Manning here in my house.
“Well? Are you going to answer me, girl? Or are you going to stand there and stare at me like I just stepped on your grave?”
“Wendy, what are you doing here? How did you even get in?”
“The door was open, and I did knock a few times before letting myself in. Now, answer the question. What are you doing? And don’t even try to lie to me. You’re staring over at that gun cabinet like it’s your last meal or something. Believe me, Shelby, that’s not the answer you are looking for.”
“Why? Does anyone really care if I am here or not? It would make Shane’s life a hell of a lot easier.”
“You selfish girl. You are so wrong. Hurting yourself would not only hurt Shane but complete the circle of hell he has been trapped in for the past year. You would finish him, and we would never get him back after that. He’s up on the highest peak of this ranch right now, drinking himself half to death because of the guilt that is inside of him. You never allow him to forget, do you, Shelby? I can’t begin to know or understand you nor understand the loss you have had to endure, but I sure do recognize what pain looks like, and it’s an emotion that Shane wears daily.”
“Don’t you see how much he loves you? How much he needs you to be healthy and whole again? You lost a child, not on your own, but together, you lost a child. It is an immeasurable amount of pain, but blaming Shane will not bring your son back. It’s only going to drive him further away. You are so angry and blinded by the decisions you made on that day that you don’t want to see or feel anything else. Please, Shelby, open your eyes and see the truth before it’s too late. You are drowning just as much as Shane is, but allowing him to accept all the blame in this tragedy is not fair. The only person that could ever explain the reasons why your son is gone is God himself, and taking your life here today is not going to bring you any closer to him, nor the answers you desperately want. You will only drown deeper in your despair.”
It was at that moment, my first moment of clarity, that I allowed myself to let go of all the pain and suffering I have felt since the day of my accident. I knew I was hurting over the loss of my baby, but not enough to hurt myself. I would never do that. I quickly got up from the floor and turned to look at Wendy, who had her arms open to me. I broke down into her arms as she held me as tightly as she could.
Wendy was like a second mom to everyone around here. She was the voice of reason and a constant support for Shane. I was the outsider of the group, but that was my fault. I never knew what it was like to be part of a close-knit family nor have close friends, for that matter. I didn’t jus
t marry Shane, I married the entire Rhodes, Fairchild, and Parrish families. They all accepted me with open arms and never once made me feel unwanted or unloved. And this was how I repaid that generosity…by hurting Shane, and worse, myself?
“There now, cry it out once and for all.” She held me for the longest time until I finally stopped crying and wiped away my tears. I knew there would be more once I talked with Shane, but for now, I was okay.
“I’m so sorry, Wendy. How could you comfort me when I have been so cruel?”
“Easy, because I love you like a daughter. And Shane is the closest I have to a son, so there you go. Listen, Shelby, it doesn’t have to be figured out all in one day. Lord knows you two have a lot of talking to do. Let us work on getting Shane home, and then it will be up to you on what comes next.”
“Maybe I should go to him.”
“No, you stay here. His father is up there now, and I would bet everything I have that it’s not a pretty sight.”
“I guess Mr. Rhodes can thank me for that. I hurt him, Wendy. It was awful.”
“Now, stop it. Kip and Kathleen love you, and so does Shane. Whatever happens on that ridge is between father and son. What happens here in this house once Shane is home is between a husband and wife. You need to get yourself ready for that conversation. It’s time, Shelby. It’s time to let your husband back into your life and your heart.”
“Does he want that, Wendy?”
“You are going to have to ask him. Prepare yourself for whatever his answer may be. He’s been through a lot; you both have. What comes next will either begin the process of healing or break you forever. I will be praying for the better outcome.”
“Thank you, Wendy, for everything. You have been the greatest friend. Shane is lucky to have you.”
“I love you both, please know that. Shelby, when you met Shane, he was at a low point in his life. He had just lost his two best friends who were more like brothers: one for all eternity, and the other after a long list of circumstances. Dark times fell on Shane, and we were all very worried about him until he met you. You loved him enough for the both of you when he questioned how he felt. You didn’t allow him to run away. You stayed by his side and showed him what you two could be to each other. When he married you on St. Valentine’s Day, we had never seen him happier. He loves you, Shelby, and he will honor every single one of his married promises he made to you on that day if you just allow him to. All I ask of you is that if in your heart you don’t feel you can find the love for Shane again, then please let him go. He’s a good man and deserves good in his life.”
“I still love him. I never stopped. I was just lost for a while.” I could barely get the words out as they got caught in my throat. I have to make things right with my husband.
“Well, that’s a start. Walk me out?”
“Of course, I will.”
We walked side by side with her arm around my shoulders. We stepped off the porch, and then I hugged her again, needing and wanting her support. I knew I had it, but it was good to make sure. She returned my hug, smiled, and then got a strange look on her face. Wendy pulled away and looked up at the night sky as she leaned up against her truck.
“Wendy?” I asked. “What are you doing?”
“Hold on, darling. Give me a minute to find it. Yes, there he is.”
“What is?” I was more confused than ever. She took my hand and directed it to the sky, finding exactly what she wanted me to see.
“There. Tell me what you see?”
Rolling my eyes, I said, “Stars, lots of stars.”
“Yes, I see that too, but do you see one that stands out from the others?”
I looked all around and then found what she wanted me to see.
“Yes, that one,” I said. “If I had to guess, it’s right on the north ridge. I have never seen a star shine so brightly before.”
“That’s because that one is special, and only a precious few can see it when they really need to. You pray on it, and I’ll make you a promise.”
“I love your faith, Wendy, but I think I am going to need a lot more promises than just one.”
“Trust me. You pray on that star. He’ll hear you.”
“Who will hear me? Wendy, I’m so confused.”
“Just pray on it, and you’ll get your answers. He’s never let me down and will always be our angel in the sky.”
I nodded and didn’t question our wise friend. With one last hug, she climbed up into her big truck and sped off, leaving me alone with my thoughts and the bright star in the sky.
I put my hands together and closed my eyes before finding the star above. I prayed for Shane and hoped he would find his way home. I prayed for our son in heaven and hoped he was okay. But most of all, I prayed for forgiveness. I prayed for the chance to make things right with my husband. He deserved so much more than I’d been able to give him this past year.
I knew I made so many mistakes. Loving Shane Rhodes was not one of them.
I prayed I wasn’t too late.
Shane
Once I sobered up, I made my way down the mountain and back home to Shelby. It was late, and dawn would be greeting a new day in a matter of hours. After I settled my horse back into the stables, I contemplated on what to do next.
Do I just go inside and pack a bag? Or do I once again try to talk to my wife and beg her to listen to me? Our last argument did not end well, leading me to leave her crying and watching me walk away from the porch. Like always, her hurtful words were aimed directly at my heart. I kicked at Yankee to go faster to drown out Shelby’s cries. How much more could I take?
My father was right. The longer I stayed up on that ridge and lost myself to my past, the further away I would be from my family. I knew I was loved and protected. I never doubted that ever, but when you lose something so great, a piece of you just dies along with it.
I was not immune to loss, not any one of us who lived on this ranch was. Losing Jamie, a friend who I loved as a brother, taught me that. What would he say if he were here today? I’m sure he probably would have kicked my ass by now and say just about anything to bring me back from the edge I was standing on. Jagger had tried—hell, everyone had—but I had refused them all. It took my father punching me yesterday to get me to come back home. Now that I’m here, though, what the fuck do I do next?
“Shane, is that you?” I heard her call out as she slowly came down the stairs.
I hadn’t moved from my spot. I was just staring at my home and contemplating on what to do next. It was still dark outside with only the glow from the moon and stars above serving as our light.
“Yeah, baby, it’s me. Go back inside before you get sick. It’s cold out here.” I said so easily as if this was just any normal work day on the ranch. She would always be waiting for me with smiles and hugs as I parked my truck and took her in my arms, kissing her until we were out of breath. I miss those times.
“Not until you do the same.”
What? That was a far cry from the last time I was this close to Shelby. She actually sounded as if she cared.
I fisted my hands at my sides and looked up at her. Her eyes were glazed over with tears, and for the first time in a long while, she actually looked like my wife. The one who loved me once. The one who took vows with me and promised to love me forever. The one who promised me a house full of children, all before it was shattered by that damn accident.
“You go inside, Shelby, and I’ll be right behind you. I need a shower first.”
“Okay. You have to be hungry. Can I make you something?”
“Yeah, that would be fine.” I swallowed hard, not knowing what else to say. This whole interaction with Shelby was weird. What had happened to make her suddenly go sweet on me?
I knew I smelled awful with the stink of cheap booze attached to my skin. I quickly made my way upstairs to shower and drown myself in the hot sprays of water. All the while in there, my head was spinning with what Shelby would say to me. I tried not to
allow my mind to go to the worst-case scenario, but it was easy to do considering how we had been to one another this past year. No point in denying it, we’d been barely hanging onto each other.
Before making my way downstairs, I messaged Luke and Wade, my two top hands who worked for me here on the ranch. It would be time to begin the day soon with the morning chores and then all the daily tasks that followed. I was in no shape to work today in my hungover state, so I told them to manage without me and check-in with my father if anything would arise. I couldn’t call my father yet, I wasn’t ready for that conversation. The one with my wife would be more than I could handle. The guys would tell him that I was home, and at least he would know that I was safe.
Once I made my way down to the kitchen, Shelby was quietly waiting for me at the table. She had prepared breakfast for me, my favorite: steak and eggs. I grabbed a bottle of water and swallowed two Advil tablets to help with my headache, and I braced myself for what she would say.
To outside eyes, this scene would look totally normal: a wife preparing her husband’s breakfast, with him thanking her appreciatively. My stomach rolled just at the normalcy of it, and eating was the last thing I wanted to do. I hadn’t puked since my college days when I was young and stupid and didn’t know any better.
I downed another water and finally took a seat at the table with Shelby’s beautiful soul-sucking blue eyes on me, drawing me in and locking me in place. I could never resist her when her eyes met mine. They ignited something so deep inside of me that I had no control once I was caught and all that followed was me making love to her until we both reached the highs we needed to be fulfilled.
There was a time when I believed I would never get enough of Shelby, a time when she loved me with everything she had in her, but that was before. From where we were now, I didn’t even recognize the couple we used to be, and it gutted me to know we may never get back who we were.
Shane Page 3