“Shane, please eat before it gets cold.”
My stomach rolled again. Her voice was so soft and barely above a whisper, but laced with kindness. Hesitantly, I picked up my fork and took a bite of my eggs and then cut a few slices of steak. It was perfect, just the way I liked it. Her eyes looked hopeful as I continued to eat. It didn’t take me long to clear my plate, making Shelby smile.
“Do you want anything else?” she asked.
I pushed my plate away and took in a few calming breaths before answering her. Yeah, I want more, but it’s not food, I thought. My head was spinning with the after effects of all the alcohol I ingested yesterday, but more so from this scene right here in our kitchen.
“Shane? Are you okay?”
“What is this?” I asked.
“I don’t know what you mean.”
I slammed my hands down on the table, causing the dishes to nearly skip off the table. “This!” I stood and gestured to Shelby. “What the hell are you playing at? You hate me, remember? Aren’t those the words you were shouting at my back as I walked out the door? You have me fucking spinning out of control, woman! Why are you doing this to me?”
I turned away from her and just wanted to run, but she stopped me by calling out for me to stay.
“I love you, Shane, and I am so sorry for hurting you. It wasn’t your fault. It was no one’s fault, just a very sad ending to a beautiful dream we both wanted.”
I couldn’t breathe. I felt as if my heart was going to beat out from my chest. Does she love me? Is she sorry?
I was white knuckling the countertop. I didn’t know what to say or how to even respond to Shelby’s truth, if that’s what it was. I now felt her presence behind me as she put her hands on my hips. I tried not to jerk away, but it had been a long time for even the smallest of gestures. Once I calmed my breathing, she then moved her hands from my hips and wrapped her arms around my waist, with her face pressed against the middle of my back, breathing me in.
“Shane, please look at me. I need you.” Her pleas just about broke me.
Turn around asshole, and talk to your wife. I was battling my need for self-preservation and trying to protect what was left of my heart. I let out a breath and finally turned to see the tears falling down Shelby’s face, and I instinctively wiped them away.
“Please, baby, don’t cry,” I whispered as I cupped her face and leaned in to gently kiss each tear away. It felt like the most natural thing in the world to do. How many times have I prayed for this moment where Shelby would come back to me? Here she was in my arms, and for the first time in months, allowing me to touch her, kiss her, and love her. I didn’t want to push my luck by wanting more, so I pulled back to look into her eyes and waited for Shelby to make the next move.
“Shane, do you still love me?”
I pulled back even further, questioning why she was asking me this.
She said, “I have made so many mistakes this past year, and I am truly sorry for every single one of them. You have every right to be angry with me. I know I’ve hurt you and broken you probably beyond repair, but before you walk out that door forever, will you please allow me to talk to you first? If, after everything I say, you still want to leave, then I promise I will not stop you. The last thing I want to do is bring you more pain. You never deserved it, and I blamed you for all of it.”
Standing here and listening to my wife begging me to hear her felt mind-numbing. I couldn’t find my voice to answer her, just allowed my mind to replay the last horrific year of our lives. It was moving in a fast-forward motion from the moment I knelt in front of her and kissed her swollen belly that day on the porch when I left for my trip, and then yesterday, where my father was screaming at me to come back. To be the son he raised. To be the man who vowed to love Shelby forever the day we committed our lives together.
I felt sick reliving the best and worst moments of our past. I wanted it to stop. I couldn’t do this with her, not again. My stomach rolled, and I knew I couldn’t hold back any longer. I rushed past Shelby and ran to the nearest bathroom. I emptied all the booze and the breakfast I had just eaten, with my stomach heaving and heaving until I had nothing left to expel. Shelby was right behind me rubbing my back and then cooling my neck with a washcloth.
I was still hugging the toilet when I finally asked her, “Why are you doing this to me? Why now, after all this time? I just don’t understand you. You let me kiss you, dammit! You gave me hope in that kiss. It made me want more when I know I’m never going to have what I want. Why, Shelby?”
I cried like a fucking pussy and succumbed to the pain this heart and body was used to. I moved away from her and towards the sink to splash cold water on my face and clean my mouth but not before catching my exhausted reflection in the mirror. I was tired, so tired, and all I could do was lean against the wall and sink back to the floor in my despair. I looked up to my wife and said, “After all we have been through, how can you so easily tell me now that you love me?”
“Because I do love you. I never stopped loving you Shane, but for a long time what I felt for you was replaced with sadness and pain. I lost a child. Our child. And knowing that I can never have anymore was wrenching on my mind and spirit. I wanted to die, Shane, just die and join our son. I know I blamed you. I know how much I have hurt you with my words and actions. You leaving yesterday felt like my rock bottom. The thought of you never returning home to me scared me to death, and then being slapped back into reality from Wendy put everything into perspective for me.”
“Wendy hit you?” I asked.
“No, not physically, but in a way she did. What she said to me after she found me in a heap of tears finally made me realize that if I didn’t stop this continuous cycle of pain, I’m going to lose you—and us—forever. I have to tell you something else before you hear it from Wendy.”
“Okay, go on.”
“I didn’t hear her come in, and I have no idea how long she was standing behind me, but I was at a low point, probably the lowest, and I…”
“What? Tell me!” I demanded.
“I was staring at the gun cabinet and asking myself what I was doing. I swear, Shane, it was only for a second—less than a second—and then that’s where the virtual slap comes in. She set me straight, and I’m so thankful to her. I see now how much she really does love all of you and would do anything for us. I swear to you, Shane, I wasn’t going to do anything to harm myself. I was just alone and worried that our marriage was over and you had enough of me.”
After hearing her words, I literally sprang up from the bathroom floor and took her in my arms, where she began to cry. It broke me so much every single time she cried, and although it killed me to see it, I knew I had to comfort her at the same time. I took her face in my hands and placed my forehead on hers, kissing her tears away as I made my way to her lips.
“You need to listen to me, and fucking hear me. Don’t you ever entertain an idea like that again! No matter what happens between us, I can’t imagine living in a world without you in it. No problem is too great that hurting yourself is the answer. Do you hear me?”
Trembling in my arms, she told me, yes, and then I kissed her again, with my wife giving me the access I needed. Even if this was our last moment to share, I knew I couldn’t walk away from her without listening to all she wanted to say to me. The thought of that happening just about shattered whatever I had left of my heart, but I wouldn’t walk out, not again.
When I pulled back, I just stared at her, easily getting lost in her blue eyes. She never could hide anything from me, especially when we were this close.
Shelby’s eyes always held so much truth behind them. At this moment, I knew I had to give her a chance to explain her feelings. She reached for my hand, and I took it with no hesitation. I took a deep breath and prepared myself for what she would say next. Would she heal us? Or break us forever?
“I’m so sorry, Shane. I know I have been horrible to you, only caring about my feelings for a los
s that was not just mine alone to bear but yours as well.”
“Shelby, that’s not true.”
“Oh, Shane, there you go again defending my actions when we both know what I am saying is the truth. You said it yourself that I had forgotten about you and your grief, never giving you the same consideration you gave to me. I know I didn’t have the sole rights to our son. He was yours too. You are such a good man, a better man than I probably deserve, but I know that I love you. If you could find it in your heart to give me another chance, I know I can prove to you that I was worth it—no, we—were worth taking a chance on. Please, Shane, will you give us another chance? A new beginning?”
Damn! She looked so beautiful with glazed over tears in her eyes. Once upon a time I saw dreams dancing in the beauty of her irises and it was lost to me for so long, and now I saw a glimpse of the woman I so desperately wanted to reconnect with.
Can I believe her this time? Can I really trust that she wants a reconciliation between us? My chest felt heavy with the many questions of uncertainty. I wanted to believe her so badly, and then I thought of all the wise people in my life screaming in my ear and telling me not to give up on my marriage.
She sat with her hands down on her lap and her eyes cast down in almost a submissive pose. She was giving me the lead to guide her in the direction I would choose for us. The ball was in my court. I lifted her chin with my finger and leaned in to place a soft kiss on her lips. A tear escaped and coasted down her lovely face. Even when she cried, Shelby was still so beautiful.
“I love you, Shelby. I never stopped, but you hurt me in more ways than I can explain, at least right now. I appreciate you telling me this, but I’m really tired and I just can’t risk saying anything more to you that may come out the wrong way. I need to clear my head and think for a while.”
“Isn’t that what you did up on the ridge?”
“No. I was drinking my pain away. You should know, you put it there.”
She stifled a gasp, and then I immediately felt regret in using my pain to hurt her back. She never lied or shied away from her feelings toward me. If anything, Shelby was honest and direct, whereas I was the one that was always tripping over my words. When she said nothing in return, I reached for her small frame and pulled her close to me.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. This is why I need time. Don’t you see? If I stay here with you, I am only going to hurt you, and that is the last thing I wish to do.”
“Please, Shane, I can take it. Just don’t go. If you don’t want to talk, we don’t have to. I just need to know that you are near, and I promise not to pressure you.”
“Shelby, if what you said is true, then let me go and work it out. I will not leave the ranch, this I can promise, but this is all that I am capable of right now, okay?”
“Okay, I understand.”
Something told me that she didn’t, but she put on a brave face for my benefit.
I placed a kiss on the top of her head and then turned away from her. She didn’t cry anymore. I suspect she would break in private, but as I stood in the doorway of the home I had built for us, all it felt like was just a shell of a broken foundation. I wanted nothing more than to take her in my arms and tell her everything was going to be okay, but how could I do that when I didn’t believe it myself?
“I’m sorry, baby.” I whispered. My back was to her as I faced the door. If I looked at her right now, I would surely break.
“I know you are, Shane. I’m not giving up. I’ll be here waiting.”
I said nothing more and walked out this time with only the sound of the door closing behind me. I turned over my truck, and the roar of the engine came to life. I didn’t look back and drove on to where I needed to be. I prayed I would find what I was looking for because if I didn’t, then I feared I would never get back to the man I was before hell rained down on me.
Shane
Once the house was no longer in sight, all I noticed was the rising sun in the background. The rays of sunshine served as a beacon to where I needed to be. Once I was there, I felt his presence nearly knock me over. I parked my truck by the river and walked over to our spot. I guess you could say we all had our favorites on the ranch, but this one in particular was definitely the best.
I shared so many memories here with Jamie and Jagger. After a long, hot day working in the blazing sun, the three of us would come down here and take a swim in the river. Most times it was brutally cold from the mountains that surrounded it, but we didn’t care. From where I was standing, I could see the Parrish family cabin, where I spent one of the best moments of my life there with Tenley, and then the most painful when Jagger discovered our betrayal. It was a long time ago and totally not relevant to what is happening in my life right now. I carried it with me for years, and then I used it to not only hurt my best friend but Tenley too when she returned home years later.
Before Jamie died, he asked me to bring him out here to look at the water and feel the breeze coming off the mountains that would chill our skin. I thought he was crazy and so did his parents, but I knew there would be no way of stopping Jamie once he set his mind to something. He was weaker by then but still managed to walk by just leaning on me. After he picked the spot, we sat down in silence. Long minutes turned into hours before he finally voiced a single word to me. While staring at the running water, the memory of that time hit me, and I was catapulted back to that day, here with Jamie.
“Shane, I’m not sure how much time I have left, so I’m going to say my peace, and then we will not speak of this again.”
I said nothing, which is what he expected. He needed me to listen, so I did.
“You’re lost, my friend. You’re lost to loving Tenley and hurting our brother. You’re so lost that you don’t know what direction to walk in next, but that’s where I come in. You are a good man, Shane Rhodes—one of the best—but that doesn’t mean you are exempt from making mistakes. You made a foolish one with my sister; she knows that, and so do you, but it’s one that can be repaired in time. I want you to know that I have taken steps to right that wrong and help not just my sister, but my brothers as well.”
“Jamie, what does that mean?”
“Don’t worry about it, you’ll know when the time is right. Today is not that day. You need to get your life together and continue with the dream that we had as brothers. You’ll never know how sorry I am that I will not be here with you to live it, but you and Jagger will.”
“I don’t see how, Jamie. I hurt him deeply.”
“Yes, you did, but he will forgive you in time.”
“In time? And how am I supposed to know how long that is?”
“You won’t. It will happen when he’s ready to tell you.”
“And if he’s not? Then where does that leave me in all of this?”
“Come on, Shane. Is it really that hard to figure out? You live. Right now, you feel as if you have lost everything you have ever cared about, but my friend, you would be wrong to believe that.”
I watched him struggle to get up, and once he did, he walked over to one of the huge trees that we had here on the ranch. He placed his two hands on it and felt the texture beneath.
“This oak is probably a hundred years old, maybe more. Its roots are buried miles beneath the earth with a strength that is so strong, there’s nothing like it. Season to season, here it stands, to continue to grow and be strong.” He continued to stare at the tree and then turned back to me. “You have the same strength in you, Shane, and it’s that strength that will help you mourn me when I pass, and then repair your friendship with Jagger. It’s the same strong roots that will help you build your own foundation for your future here on this ranch working side by side with our fathers and flourishing in the fact that your two hands built this beautiful land we are standing on right now. I need you to forgive. I need you to move on and not be trapped in the past, especially the painful parts. Do what I will no longer be able to do.”
“What’s that?
Damn, you are beyond confusing.”
“Live! Live, Shane, and don’t take one God-given day for granted.”
The memory of that conversation with Jamie hit me so hard in my heart that I couldn’t see beyond my own tears. I may not have understood all that he was saying back then, but I sure as hell do now. It took me five long years to come to terms with what I did to Jagger and Tenley.
Next to Wendy, Shelby was the one person in my life who always believed in me and fought for us in more ways than I ever did. She remained by my side through the many months of therapy I endured after Jagger’s accident. She told me that she loved me every single day, and when I pushed her away because I felt I wasn’t good enough for her, she took me in her arms and never let go.
After I worked out my differences with Jagger and he finally forgave me, I felt free for the first time in a long time. Free to finally be able to give my heart—my whole heart—over to Shelby. She had never been happier more so than on the day of our wedding when she finally became mine. The memories of Shelby, Jamie, and my entire life here on this ranch came crashing down on me with such a force that it felt as if the earth had shifted and I was on solid ground again. I knew what I had to do.
As I wiped away the last of my falling tears, I began walking back to my truck, but not before something held me back. I turned and saw a ripple in the water, almost as if a stone just skipped over the clear waters. A cool breeze was felt on my face, and there was not one cloud in the sky above, just rays of sunshine casting a glow all around me.
“Thank you, Jamie. You’re never too far away, are you? I love you, my brother, and miss you every single day. Take care of my son while I take care of his mother.”
Another cool breeze hit me, and then I smiled up at the sky.
“Okay, I’m going. I’m going home.”
The answers I was seeking yesterday would not be found in a bottle. No, I was wrong believing that. I was wrong to hurt my father, but being the man that he was, I knew he would forgive me. And I was wrong to leave my wife when deep inside she was begging me to stay.
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