To the Spring Equinox and Beyond

by Sōseki Natsume

  Keitaro felt that it was idiotic to remain standing in one spot scrutinizing these faces uselessly and with such intensity that his eyes were going out of focus. He began to feel that it would have been far more sensible if, instead of spending those two hours in feverish absorption before his boardinghouse desk, he had made sufficient arrangements with Sunaga to assist him in the undertaking. By the time he keenly felt his regret, the sky was gradually losing its light, and the colors of everything in sight began to subside into a dark-bluish shade. Some electric lamps and gaslights started to brighten the glazed shop windows here and there and to disperse the gloom of the winter twilight.

  Suddenly he became aware of a young woman standing about six feet from him, her hair done up in a low pompadour. Each time a streetcar let its passengers in and out, he thought he remembered spending the rest of his attention glancing to his left and right. So he was especially surprised by the presence of this woman who had unexpectedly turned up quite near him, the when and where of her arrival a mystery.

  She had on a somber-colored coat, its trailing length suitable for a person her age. Keitaro imagined under this the lively colors adorning a young woman's body. She seemed to be standing there trying to conceal these from the world. Even the ornamental neckband of the undergarment she would be dressed in was concealed by a silk scarf. She had on nothing that would attract anyone's attention except for this scarf, whose whiteness emerged all the more conspicuously in the thickening gloom of evening.

  Indeed, what struck Keitaro as most prominent about her was this white color, which indicated a tendency to disregard the seasonal fashion. It did not make him feel that he had come upon something strange and incongruous under a cold, darkening sky, but rather gave him an agreeable mood of having found something fresh amid the sooty street. His attention was thus drawn to the area about her neck. Aware of his glancing at her so directly, the woman turned away slightly. But apparently still ill at ease, she had raised her right hand to her ear as if to comb back a stray hair. Since her hair had obviously been perfectly arranged, Keitaro felt that this gesture was quite useless. But the woman's hand exacted his renewed attention.

  She did not have on those silk gloves that women of her class would have worn. Instead, the pair of kidskin gloves snugly fit her delicate fingers. In fact, the gloves fit so well that not a crease or even any looseness appeared anywhere, so much so that the leather seemed like a thin coat of colored wax applied evenly to the back of her hands. Keitaro had noticed when her hand was raised that the glove extended down her wrist by about three inches.

  He turned his attention from the woman to look at a streetcar. But the person he was expecting failed to emerge among the throng getting off. He had a two- or three-minute respite from his vigilance. He was not that attracted to the woman to look forward to his free time just to watch her, yet in the intervals of the arrivals of streetcars, he stole observant glances in her direction, careful not to be perceived.

  He had first thought she was waiting to catch a streetcar either for Hongo or Kamezawacho. Presently, the streetcar for each of these destinations came by and stopped, but she gave no sign of taking either, so he was slightly puzzled. The idea occurred to him that she might be one of those people who, instead of forcing themselves onto a congested car and enduring the pain of being crushed, strike a balance and deem it more profitable to wait, even if a few moments are wasted. But when a streetcar came without the "Car Full" sign showing, one that might even have had one or two empty seats, she still showed no intention of boarding, so he was all the more confused.

  The woman seemed aware of the excessive attention given her by Keitaro, for on the slightest change in his behavior, she appeared consciously to prepare to avoid his glance, like a person who opens an umbrella before a single raindrop falls. She deliberately looked in the opposite direction or took a few steps away from him. Made to feel oddly constrained by such actions, Keitaro tried to keep himself from openly staring toward her.

  But it eventually occurred to him that she might be unfamiliar with the area and was waiting at the wrong stop. If that were the case, he ought to be kind enough to inform her. His courage suddenly called forth, he turned unhesitatingly toward her. Then all at once she broke into a walk toward the jewelry shop several yards ahead, and there, her brow almost against the store window, she began looking at the rings, sash-clips, coral branches for ornamenting an alcove, and other items displayed—as if she had taken no notice of Keitaro's existence. He regretted his stupid loss of dignity in trying to show an uncalled-for kindness to a stranger.

  He had noticed from the first that her features were not that remarkable. Although when observed directly in front it was not that noticeable, from the side her nose was decidedly flat. To make up for the deficiency though, her complexion was fair, her eyes clear. The light through the glass pane of the jeweler's falling upon her nose, part of her soft, full cheek, and her brow offered to Keitaro, from the angle at which he was standing, a strangely impressive contour made up of light and shadow.

  With that contour and the fine figure of the woman wrapped in her long coat still in his mind, he again turned toward the streetcars.

  Two or three came again, and each ran eastward to repeat Keitaro's disappointment. He took his watch from under his kimono sash and peered at it like a man who has abandoned all hope of success. It was long past five. He glanced at the dark sky overhead as if he were noticing it for the first time. Bitterly he clicked his tongue. The bird had escaped the net he had taken so much trouble to set up. It had easily flown away at the western stop. The old woman's prophecy concocted purposely to deceive, the bamboo cane he had brought with him as if it were something precious, and the direction the walking stick had suggested—all these turned out to be sources of vexation.

  He looked around at the electric lights flickering before his eyes and deceiving the darkness of the night. Finding himself standing amid them, he felt that they were but the shadow of a dream he had not yet dreamed to the end. While awakened to his disillusionment to this extent, he had not yet lost the feeling of being to the same extent in a daze.

  A little while later he made up his mind to return to his lodging to try to become a sane person again. He decided to break that mocking reminder of his folly in two on the way back at a place where no one could see, shattering the snakehead and the iron ring of the ferrule and hurling it all into the Ochanomizu River from Mansei Bridge.

  About to move a step forward, he was aware of the woman's presence again. She had left the jeweler's window and was standing in her former position about two yards from him. The well-shaped limbs that matched her height, limbs longer than those of ordinary women, had from the first been a pleasing sight to him. But now it was her right hand that drew his attention. She had allowed it to hang down gracefully in a natural way, hardly conscious of her being seen by others. He perceived in the night lights its five graceful fingers extended in fine proportion, its wrist bound tightly in soft leather, and the color of its flesh appearing slightly between the wrist and the opening of her coat sleeve.

  The wind was minimal, but the night chill was painful to someone standing stationary for a long while. Drawing her chin into her scarf a little, the woman stood there quietly with her eyes down. From this look, which seemed to have been assumed deliberately to make it appear that she took no notice of his presence, Keitaro believed he had sufficient evidence to prove, on the contrary, that she had been giving him special attention. Had she not been shooting at him incessant arrows of observation all the while he had been keeping his eager eyes out for the gentleman in the black fedora, her attention as keen and concentrated as his had been? Had he not spent over an hour in this spot spying out a man and being spied on by a woman? But he could no more figure out why he should be made the object of spying by a woman he didn't know and who knew nothing about him, any more than he had any idea of why he was himself spying on the actions of a man whom he knew nothing about.


  He thought that if he walked a little, he would know more clearly how she would react. So he moved at a slow pace westward, passing behind the police box. Of course, he strictly refrained from glancing back for fear of arousing her suspicion. But since it would not do for him to keep walking on merely looking ahead if he wanted to note her reaction, he paused after twenty or so yards and, pretending interest in a shop window featuring a girl's mantle with velvet lapels, stole a glimpse backward.

  The woman was not behind him. Indeed, far from that, nothing at all of her white scarf or long coat was visible, however much he stretched himself to detect it. She was hidden behind all sorts of people passing him one after another. He doubted if he had the courage to go further on.

  As for the man in the black fedora, Keitaro, now that the appointed time was up, did not feel much regret in abandoning his search, but he wished to continue observing the woman even if it might end in nothing. He was seized by the curious fancy of throwing the woman's suspected espionage back to her and for a while longer maintaining careful watch on her movements.

  He walked back near the police box in the hurried pace of a man trying to retrieve something he has dropped. There he hid in the dark shadows to observe her. She was still standing, quietly looking toward the street, apparently quite unaware of his return.

  Just then, the question of whether the woman was a housewife or not occurred to him. The low pompadour arrangement was in general use at the time among Japanese women, so it could not help him in making the distinction. But when he began observing her from his concealed position as she stood with her back half-turned toward him, this question was the first thing that came to his mind. Her appearance seemed to indicate that she had experienced married life, but judging from her well-developed physique, far above the average, she might actually have been younger than she looked. If so, why was she wearing clothing of such subdued colors?

  Keitaro had no authority when it came to commenting on the color and design of women's garments. Yet he had a vague idea that young ladies usually wore colors bright enough to dispel the gloom in the December air. He thought it odd that nowhere about her did she show any stimulating, gay patterns that would warm even her own youthful blood. There was only the silk scarf about her neck, but its color was a cold one that gave forth only a feeling of purity. The rest of her clothing lay concealed under the long coat that matched the bleak winter sky.

  Looking again at the clothing so excessively devoid of any attractive feature in keeping with the wearer's age, Keitaro judged that it was the woman's experience with a man that had made her dress in such a somber way. Furthermore, she had in her demeanor something of the composure of an adult. He could not regard this self-possession as an attribute acquired from character or education. He suspected that like perfume in a handkerchief which loses its odor through contact with the air, she too had lost her innocent shyness due to contact outside the family. And there was something else. A short while ago he had witnessed some restless action of her muscles, betrayed through her outward calm by occasional movements of her entire body, her eyebrows, or lips. He noticed that the most sensitive movement was in her eyes. At the same time, he could not help perceiving she kept trying to force those eyes, so prone to moving sensitively, not to move. He judged, therefore, that her composure was one attended by a conscious effort to suppress her own nervousness.

  Yet observed from behind, her body and mood were well balanced, both being quieter now than they had been before. Unlike a short while ago, she now gave no indication that she was going to begin to walk slowly away or stand up against a shop window, nor did she show any sign of being chilled, standing as she was at the edge of the elevated pavement in a way that could only be described as elegant.

  Near her were a few persons waiting, all of whom were watching the approaching streetcars, seeming to beckon them to arrive as quickly as possible. The woman, who now appeared much relieved by Keitaro's departure, was one of those eagerly waiting, and she kept her gaze fixed toward the corner across the street where the streetcars turned.

  Keitaro went around the farther side of the police box and stepped down onto the road. Shielded by the painted booth, he fixed his gaze upon the woman's face through the gap between the box and the policeman standing in front of it. And he was again surprised, this time by the change in her expression. When he was looking at her from behind in the shadows, he had played too freely with his imagination in drawing certain conclusions from her drab, inconspicuous overcoat, her tall stature, and the large roll of her pompadour. But now that he was focusing on her without reserve while she remained unaware of it, he could not help feeling that he was seeing a completely different person, one he was meeting for the first time. In short, she looked much younger than she had before. Her eyes and lips, with their eager expectation of something, seemed full of a kind of vivid liveliness. He noticed nothing except the expression on her face. In it he discovered even the innocence of a young girl.

  Presently a streetcar came from the direction in which she had been gazing and turned slowly along the curved tracks. When it slid to a halt before the woman, two men got off. One of them quickly passed the policeman and stepped up on the sidewalk carrying in his hand what looked like a cardboard box wrapped in paper; the other went straight to the place where the woman was standing and stopped before her.

  For the first time Keitaro saw the woman laugh. Earlier he had noticed that one of her characteristic features was a mouth too large, considering how thin her lips were, but now her beautiful teeth and her large black eyes, richly luminous with the upper and lower lashes so close they almost touched one another, gave him an impression of her he hardly expected. More surprised than fascinated by her laughing face, he shifted his glance to her companion.

  It was then that Keitaro noticed the black fedora on the man's head. He could not see whether the man's cloak was salt-and-pepper or not, but it had the same dark sheen as the hat. Furthermore, the man was tall, and thin as well, but Keitaro had a difficult time discerning how old he was. He concluded, though, that since the newcomer was obviously far more advanced in life than he himself was, he must be over forty.

  As he rapidly and haphazardly took in these characteristics, he was forced to conclude that this man who had just gotten off the streetcar was the one he had exhausted himself in looking for so foolishly. He thought it fortunate that although the stated time interval had long since elapsed, he had, due to a strange whim, loitered in the same place. Indeed, he felt grateful to the young woman for happening to be there to arouse his curiosity, and he counted it a piece of good fortune that she had been twice as confident and patient as he had been in waiting to the last for this very man he himself had been searching for. He believed that not only would he be able to supply Taguchi with some information about the man x; at the same time his own curiosity about the woman y would be somewhat satisfied by this same information.

  The two stood talking to each other, paying no heed to their surroundings and apparently quite unaware of Keitaro's presence. The woman continued to smile. Occasionally the man burst into laughter. Judging by their way of greeting, it was obvious that they knew one another quite well. Keitaro could find none of that courtesy between a polite man and a polite woman which seems to join them, but which in fact serves to separate them. The man had not even taken the trouble to touch the brim of his hat. Keitaro was anxious to come face to face with him to verify the mole, which had to be under the hat's brim. Had the woman not been present, he might have walked straight up to the man and asked anything that came to mind, merely to ascertain the presence of the strange mark. If this were going too far, he would have at least come near enough to stare into the man's face to satisfy himself.

  It was the woman standing before the man that barred Keitaro from such a bold undertaking. Apart from the question of whether or not she was ill-disposed toward Keitaro, he had definitely perceived that she had been suspicious of him during the long period that he
had been standing at the same spot alongside her. If, knowing she was, he should intrude into her sight again, it would not only be an ungentlemanly act, but would set even greater fire to those suspicions and thus mar his own objective.

  With these thoughts in mind Keitaro concluded that he had better delay examining whether the man had a mole or not until an opportunity under more natural circumstances eventually offered itself. He decided, therefore, to follow the two at a distance and if possible overhear fragments of their talk. He did not deem it necessary to consult his own conscience regarding the morality of his taking note of their conversation and actions without their consent. He simply believed that Taguchi, as a man of the world, would certainly make well-intentioned use of the results of these efforts.

  It looked now as if the man was inviting the woman somewhere and the woman, laughing, was refusing. They had been standing half-facing one another, but finally they began walking shoulder to shoulder toward the porcelain shop. From there they walked on eastward, so close that it was almost as if they were arm in arm. Keitaro quickened his pace for several yards, and when he came just behind them, he adjusted his step to theirs. In case she looked back, he would avoid suspicion by not setting his glance directly at them, but would walk on with his eyes deliberately turned elsewhere, as if he were a casual pedestrian who happened to be going along the same direction on a public thoroughfare.

  "That was really something! Keeping a person waiting so long."

  This was the first of her speech that reached Keitaro, yet he could catch nothing of her companion's reply. Then after several yards their pace suddenly lost its briskness, and their two silhouettes were so close to him that they barred his progress. If he didn't pass them soon, he was going to bump up against them from behind. Fearing they might turn back, he whisked himself off to the front of a confectionary shop that happened to be located there. He waited for the couple to move on, pretending he was looking at a glass jar filled with cookies.