Dating My Best Friend (Redefining Me Book 1)

by Michelle MacQueen

  She suddenly wanted to shove him and scream at him for abandoning her at the worst moment of her life. The old Peyton would have, but this Peyton wanted the earth to open up and swallow her so she wouldn’t have to experience all the feelings seeing him again brought back.

  “How could you leave me like that?” The words vomited out of her mouth before she thought about what she was saying. Embarrassment engulfed her once more as she turned to flee. He’d moved on over the last year. She couldn’t let him see she was still stuck in her grief. Still stuck on him and that night. That kiss that no longer meant anything.

  “Peyton, wait!” he called behind her, but she tucked her earbuds back into her ears and ran for her car. She wasn’t ready to face him. Too much had changed.

  Peyton’s empty stomach gurgled as she filled it with ice water. She eyed the contents of the refrigerator, looking for anything that had fewer than a hundred calories.

  “I’m so sick of thinking about calories.” She sighed as she grabbed a triple protein Greek yogurt that tasted like butt. It would tide her over to her next bland meal.

  “Peyton? That you?”

  The yogurt slipped out of her hand at the sound of Cooper’s voice. The sight of her dead brother’s smiling face sent a flood of tears to her eyes. Constant hunger made her vision a little blurry, but seeing ghosts was never a good thing. Then she noticed his blue eye, and a light switched on inside her. “Julian?” she screeched as she ran across the kitchen to hug her very much alive brother. Cooper’s twin was his identical match in every way except one. Julian had heterochromia which affected the color of his eyes. He had one brown eye and one blue. Cooper’s eyes were both brown. It was the only way to tell the twins apart when they were trying to fool you.

  She clung to him like a lifeline. “I’ve missed you so much!” Her tears leaked onto his shirt as he wrapped his arms around her.

  “Me too, little sis,” he whispered, dropping a kiss on top of her head.

  “Are you home, home?” She leaned back to get a good look at him. He looked good. She couldn’t deny the time away was probably what he’d needed. But what about what I needed? The selfish thought took root in her mind, freeing the anger she’d felt toward Julian for more than a year. Yes, Cooper was his twin, but they’d both lost a brother that night. It didn’t matter to her they weren’t her brothers by blood. In her heart, they were her family. Losing Cooper had crushed her as much as it had Julian.

  “Looks that way.” He sighed.

  “What about college?” She frowned. Julian wasn’t the best student, but he’d planned to do a year at the local community college before trying to transfer to a state university.

  “Gotta finish high school first.”

  “What?”

  “I didn’t do so well last year, so it looks like we’ll be seniors together this year.”

  “Oh, Julian, I’m sorry,” she said. “You should have told me you were struggling with school. I could have helped.”

  “You kind of have to go to school to find out what the assignments are.” He shrugged, taking a seat at the kitchen counter. “It’s so good to see you, Peyton.” He pulled her into the seat beside him. “I have a surprise.” He pulled a white bakery box from under the counter.

  “Oh no,” Peyton said. “Whatever’s in that box is not my friend.”

  “What?” Julian gave her a look. “I’ve never known Peyton Callahan to say no to Mom’s strawberry cheesecake cupcakes.” He pulled the adorable pink cupcakes out of the box emblazoned with The Main Street Diner logo. They were ooey-gooey and pink with flecks of real strawberries in the mile-high icing.

  “Do you know how long I’ve been dreaming about these?” He was almost drooling, so he didn’t see the look of terror on Peyton’s face.

  “I take it Mom made them for your homecoming?” she asked nervously.

  “I had to talk her into it. She doesn’t like making them.”

  “Because they’re so fattening.”

  “Because they’re so delicious.” Julian dove into his cupcake, the pink icing smearing his upper lip like a milk mustache. “Come on. I’ve been waiting for you to get home so we can share the joy.”

  “I’m not eating that,” Peyton insisted, but she couldn’t take her eyes off the tantalizing cake. It was like waving heroin in front of an addict, but Julian had no idea this particular cupcake was her drug of choice.

  “You have to, sis.” He shoved a cupcake under her nose, smearing the icing on her lips.

  “You’re such an ass.” She smiled and took a small bite. Just half won’t kill me.

  “Yeah, I am. Welcome home, right?” He grinned at her, tapping his second cupcake to hers like a toast.

  “Why didn’t anyone tell me you were coming home?” she asked, trying to keep her focus on him and not the oh-so-stupid-good cake that just tanked her calories for the whole day. Because Peyton Callahan couldn’t just eat half. She sighed, wishing for the days when moderation in everything was her motto. She’d been happy then. Even if she wasn’t a size two.

  “I wasn’t sure I was coming, to be honest.” He leaned back against the chair. “Part of me just wanted to get my GED and move on. Get a job and forget about…everything.”

  “I know that feeling,” Peyton agreed.

  “You weren’t there, kid,” he said, shaking his head.

  “Bullshit, Julian,” she snapped. “I might not have been in the accident with you, but I lost everything that night. Even you.” She picked at the empty cupcake wrapper. And it’s all my fault. I’m the one who sent them away that night. She wouldn’t blame Julian if he never forgave her.

  “I’m sorry I left you like that. I just couldn’t deal with being in this town wearing his face, knowing everyone—even our own parents—wished it had gone the other way.”

  “That’s not true. I know you were hurting, but so was I. I needed you, and you just abandoned me.” She reached for a second cupcake without thinking. “You lost a brother that night, but I lost both of my brothers, my parents…and every friend I ever had. What happened in that car, Julian?” She turned pleading eyes on him.

  “Nothing.” Julian shoved his chair back. “Absolutely nothing.” He stalked off toward his bedroom, slamming the door behind him.

  4

  Cameron

  ~ Cam,

  You know the best thing about having Cameron Tucker as as a best friend?

  You always know exactly what I need.

  Peyton ~

  The red-brick building shone in the blazing sun as students ran across the grassy lawn. People sat around picnic tables, buzzing with excitement as friends reunited after a long summer apart.

  Cam had been gone for more than a summer, yet the idea of being around the kids he’d gone to school with since he was six years old held no appeal. Twin Rivers was a town where every student knew each other. Their parents knew each other. Even their grandparents in many cases.

  He caught the eye of a group of girls he’d always had to avoid before. They constantly wanted something from him, the Olympic hopeful.

  This time, they didn’t approach, but their eyes followed him across the grassy expanse. He hiked his backpack farther onto his shoulder and stopped when he reached the stone pathway.

  Something hard rammed into his shoulder, sending him sprawling forward. He caught himself before eating pavement and cursed. He dropped his backpack and made sure his pant leg didn’t ride up as the crowd of jersey-clad footballers laughed and continued walking. Just what he needed—for them to see how damaged he’d returned.

  He picked up his bag and slung it over his shoulder as his eyes found the one jock who wasn’t laughing. Avery St. Germaine had always walked the line between assholery and friend. One of those, it seemed, had won out over the other.

  Avery shook ash-brown hair out of his eyes and looked away, his lips pressed into a thin line.

  Cam shouldn’t have expected any different. Being in an accident together wasn’t exa
ctly a bonding experience. If anything, it did more to tear them apart.

  He clenched his jaw and started forward, yet again, only to stop as he took in the sight at the table nearest the door. He stumbled back, shaking his head. After squeezing his eyes shut, he opened them again, unable to look away from Julian Callahan.

  Cam had heard from the letters their friend Nari insisted on sending him that Julian had disappeared from Twin Rivers just as he had. That wasn’t what had Cam’s chest constricting.

  Julian and Cooper were identical twins, only set apart by their eyes and their personalities. Every other little detail had been the same.

  Tears gathered in Cam’s eyes, but he refused to let them fall. He’d cried once right after the accident and then never again.

  “Cam, get Avery out of here. Get to shore.” Julian wedged his feet against the door for leverage as he pulled at the strap across his twin’s chest.

  “We’re getting too close to the falls.” Cam held Avery’s unconscious form above the rising water in the back seat of the car. Panic raced through him, but he couldn’t just leave. “You need my help.”

  The roar of the falls drowned out Julian’s next words, but he gripped the crowbar he’d used to get into the car and raised it above his head in clear threat.

  Julian hadn’t been in the car with them, but he’d followed behind and hadn’t hesitated in jumping into the river to help them. He hadn’t saved his brother, but Cam knew the only reason he and Avery were walking around school today was because Julian threatened to hit Cam with a crowbar if he didn’t leave the car.

  And yet, he couldn’t stop imagining it was Cooper sitting at that table, head bent over a book. Inky hair fell into Julian’s eyes, and he brushed it away without ceasing his reading.

  No one approached him, and he didn’t lift his head.

  Cam’s breath came out in short bursts as if he’d run the entire way to school. His heart hammered against his chest, and sweat dotted his brow. Cooper was gone. Cooper was gone. He had to repeat it to himself over and over to stop the panic from consuming him. The crash of water rang in his ears.

  He shook his head. “I can’t do this.”

  “Yes, you can.” He hadn’t sensed her presence until the voice of Nari Won Song overcame everything else.

  He turned to find the tiny girl standing behind him. She pushed thick-framed glasses up her narrow nose and stared at him with those dark all-knowing eyes of hers. His heart rate slowed.

  Nari had been Peyton’s best friend and, by extension, his.

  “Hey, Cam.” She smiled and pushed her straight black hair behind one ear. Her other arm clutched her books.

  He opened his mouth to speak but couldn’t find the words. Nari had been the only one of their group who knew where he was the past eighteen months. She’d badgered his mother to get his address. Her letters came every month like clockwork. A normal person would have written emails, but she wasn’t normal. His therapist found out about the letters and made him read them in front of her. She’d thought reconnecting with his old life would help with his recovery.

  “I got your letters.” It was all he could think of to say.

  Nari smiled. Not wide like Peyton once did. Her smiles were shy, small.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t respond.” He fixed his eyes on the ground.

  She shrugged. “I didn’t expect you to, Cam. I just didn’t want us to lose you too. We all used to be so close, but now, it’s like we don’t know each other at all. After the…” She paused. “After that night, you and Julian both just disappeared. Peyton may as well have for how much she retreated into herself. Avery acts as if he never knew us. Addison has become everything she claimed she never would. And Cooper…” She didn’t finish that sentence.

  Cam scrubbed a hand over his face. “You can’t fix us, Nari.”

  “Why not?” She stuck her lip out. “I want to try. It’s been over a year, and this is our last year all together here in Twin Rivers.”

  Cam’s eyes tracked a girl as she ran across the lawn, trying to avoid being late. She stopped when she caught sight of them, her feet frozen in place. Nari’s gaze followed his, and she sighed. “Have you talked to her?”

  Cam didn’t take his eyes from Peyton. “You want to know why you can’t fix us, Nari?” He turned away. “Because there’s nothing left to fix. Every bond we all had with each other now lays at the bottom of the river.”

  He walked back the way he’d come, and Nari didn’t follow him. He thought he’d be able to face school, but he’d been wrong. It would still be there tomorrow.

  His bright red car stood out in the parking lot like a beacon, calling him to better places. He threw his bag in the back seat and climbed in.

  This time, when he reached the river, he didn’t speed past it. Instead, he pulled off the road, slowed to a stop, and got out, slamming his door behind him. The sounds of the road faded as he walked toward the edge of the rushing water. The falls weren’t far.

  A breeze whipped through the clearing, bending the thin reeds at the edge of the water. The panic Cam expected to feel never came. He lowered himself to the grassy bank, his eyes transfixed by the swift current.

  A mile upriver, the second river crossed this one in a wide and rocky convergence. Cam had always preferred the narrower parts where large trees lined the banks, hanging their branches over the water. As kids, they’d spent their summers boating and swimming in the river. Most people in town had. One of Nari’s letters told him the town forbade swimming in the current the summer after the accident.

  Cooper Callahan had been the town golden boy, Twin Rivers’ chance at glory as he would have gone on to play college football for Ohio State. He’d been a junior when he died and already recruited.

  “Coop.” Cam rested his forearms on his knees and leaned forward. “I miss you, man. Nothing is the same without you here.”

  He closed his eyes, imagining Cooper giving Peyton and Julian endless trouble. None of them had any illusions what kind of man Cooper had been, but Cam only wanted to remember the good. The way he could amp up any party. The way he and Julian protected Peyton.

  For a long time after the accident, Cam had tried to figure out exactly what happened that night. Why they’d been in that car with a drunk Cooper driving. Cooper had been kicked out of the party, but why?

  He wanted to blame Peyton for telling Coop to leave, but she hadn’t started the fight. Yet, blaming a dead guy seemed pointless despite Cam’s need to pin his hurt on someone.

  Rationally, he knew Cooper shouldn’t have driven. Avery had been in no shape to argue, but Cam had. Was it his fault for not insisting he drive? Even though he hadn’t realized Coop was drunk until it was too late.

  So many questions swirled in his mind. He’d probably never know all the events leading up to the accident. Maybe he didn’t want to. He was pretty sure Cooper had done something bad before getting into the car, and he didn’t want to remember him like that.

  “I need your help, Coop.” Cam lifted his eyes to the clear sky above. “I don’t want to be this angry forever.”

  He absently rubbed his hand down his pant leg until it hit metal. “None of them know, buddy.” He lifted his pant leg to reveal the workings of the prosthetic leg they told him would one day feel like a part of him. News flash: It didn’t. He still had a foreign object attached to his body. Other than the doctors, only his parents knew. Not the reporters who’d followed his Olympic training so closely. Not the people he’d once called friends. They didn’t know why he left after the accident and if he had any say, they never would.

  But he needed to talk to someone, and at least Cooper didn’t interrupt. “I woke up in the hospital three days after the accident, and part of my leg was gone. They’d amputated below the knee. I don’t remember much from my time in the water, but they say I had a deep laceration when they found me the day after going over the falls. Infection had spread through the tissue of my calf. The amputation was lifesaving, th
ey claimed.” His back shook. “You’re dead, Coop, and yet when I woke, I felt like I’d lost my life as well. How horrible am I?” He shook his head. “I’d appreciate if you didn’t tell anyone.” He wiped his face, and a small smile appeared almost as if he’d forgotten he had no reason to smile.

  Cooper couldn’t actually hear him, but it eased some of the burden to let someone else hold his secrets. He got to his feet, letting his pant leg drift down to cover his false leg.

  When he got back into his car, the air didn’t feel as thick as it had before. He leaned his head back and closed his eyes. He’d faced the river, faced Cooper, and he’d survived it.

  Tomorrow, he resolved, he’d face school and all the people he’d left behind.

  5

  Peyton

  ~ Peyton,

  I think about you, a lot. And I don’t want to. I don’t want to miss you. It hurts too much. We can never go back.

  Cam ~

  Peyton rushed to get to her locker before first period. The first week of her senior year wasn’t going so well. She’d avoided both Cameron and Julian whenever possible, but her energy was dragging from her twice daily workouts, too little food, and not nearly enough sleep. Peyton was doing all the unhealthy things she swore she’d never do to lose weight. And it wasn’t even working.

  I just need to lose thirty more pounds, and I’ll be back to my regular pudgy self, and then I can work on maintaining. She slammed her locker door, taking a bite of her tasteless, organic, ninety-calorie protein bar and turned around, practically running right into Addison and her mini-mes.

  “Jeez, Peyton,” Addison said. “Can’t you stop eating for once in your life?”

  Peyton scrambled to heft her backpack on her shoulder so she could remove the foil-wrapped breakfast bar hanging from her mouth.