I am Not A Number

by Lisa Heathfield

  I open my eyes to see Mum bending down beside me. I can feel her arms around me, but she’s pushed away by the soldier. ‘Move,’ he orders.

  People are shouting now and all I see are feet not in line any more. A soldier’s boots are kicking someone and I close my eyes because I don’t want to see it. A shot cracks through the clouds. The echo of it shatters my bones. People are screaming. There’s so much screaming that I cover my ears and curl into a ball on the floor.

  ‘Silence!’ Another gun shot. And instantly the quiet swoops in and grabs everyone. ‘Get into line. Now.’ I see shoes moving back into their place. I’m pulled up and Mum makes me stand in front of her. She holds on to my arm and she must be able to feel me shaking. It’s the man with the darker uniform who stands with his gun in the air.

  There aren’t any bodies on the ground. Did he shoot anyone? Was he just trying to scare us? Every last speck of my laughter has disappeared. In its place there’s only terror.

  When I get to the front, I’m not sure who the man was expecting to see standing here, but he looks surprised. His eyes get under my skin as he studies me for a heartbeat too long. Mum is waiting for me but a guard pushes her to join the line of people already registered.

  I keep my head up and meet the man’s stare.

  ‘My name’s Ruby West,’ I say, the words shaking when I don’t want them to.

  ‘I didn’t ask you,’ the man says but there’s a smile pencilled on his lips. He looks down at the clipboard he’s holding and writes my name in ink next to a number. I see his pen form the letters. He looks up briefly at the purple band on my arm and writes C before he presses a full stop hard at the end. ‘You are number 276. Remember it,’ he says. ‘I am the general. We will meet again.’ And he puts his hand on my shoulder and I want to scream at him not to touch me, but he holds it there before he moves me to the side. ‘Next,’ he shouts and I hurry to join my mum.

  ‘What was he saying?’ she whispers, holding my hand so tight that she crushes my fingers.

  ‘He just gave me a number like everyone else. I’m 276.’

  Mum’s eyes blaze hard. ‘You are not a number, Ruby.’

  ‘Silence,’ a guard shouts. So I keep my words locked inside, where they form thoughts that turn to mud.

  When everyone has been processed they lead us across the wet yard into an enormous room. Inside there are rows and rows of tables with long benches stretching along them. In each place there’s a bowl of soup, a piece of bread and a glass of water. I’ve never wanted food so much in my life.

  We all rush forwards, sit down wherever we can and start to eat before anyone even tells us. I grab my drink first.

  ‘Slowly,’ Mum says, but I gulp it back, moving the water in front of my teeth, to every part of my mouth. I hold the last bit in there until my gums feel normal again.

  The soup is almost cold. It’s disgusting, with lumps of vegetables and potatoes in it, but I know I have to eat it.

  ‘You look like animals,’ a soldier shouts from where he stands at the end of a table. His sneering laughter ricochets off the low roof, but I ignore him. I feel a bit better, strong enough to face them now that I’m not so hungry.

  Mr Jesenska sits opposite me and he puts his spoon into his empty bowl.

  ‘Delicious,’ he says, as he kisses the tips of his fingers dramatically. ‘I’m ready for dessert now.’ And people laugh and start to talk, the murmurs growing until it’s like a strange little party in here.

  Another man slams through the door.

  ‘Enough!’ he shouts. He turns to the soldier next to him. ‘Are you incapable of keeping them quiet?’

  ‘No, sir.’

  They’re so close to each other now that their eyeballs are almost touching.

  ‘Then do your job properly.’

  ‘Yes, sir.’

  The officer starts to walk along behind us. There’s only the sound now of his boots on the floor and some spoons scraping bowls. I pick up my bread and start to eat it. I can hear him coming closer, so I concentrate on chewing. It’s almost impossible to swallow as my throat has closed up. I wish I had more water. He’s here behind me as I break off more bread. He doesn’t stop, just keeps on walking. I don’t look up as he continues down the other side, opposite us.

  Chew. Swallow. That’s all you have to do, Ruby. Chew and swallow.

  And I manage it, even picking up the last crumbs and licking them from my thumb.

  They make us walk in pairs. I’m with Mum still as we follow the people in front out of the dining room. I can see Darren ahead of us, his arm protective around Lilli and I’m suddenly so glad that he’s with us. His head is leaning towards her and he seems like a wall that won’t let anything get through.

  We go along a path and through the doors of another building. Immediately there are brick stairs and we go up. It’s a strange light, because all of the windows are covered over and the bulbs sunk into the wall are yellow, making everything a bit washed out and faint. I scratch my nail into the back of my hand as we walk. If this is a nightmare I need to wake up. I almost break through my skin, but I’m still here.

  The banister is metal, covered with a line of black plastic on the top. I grip on to it and want to rip it free, smash it against the wall. Smash through the bricks to get out of here.

  ‘Ruby.’ Mum links her arm through mine.

  ‘I want to go home,’ I tell her.

  ‘I know. But to do that we have to stay calm.’

  My anger boils inside me as we get to the top of the stairs. I breathe deeply to try to keep it away as we’re made to walk along a dimly lit corridor. The first door we pass is open slightly and I glance into the room. It’s crammed full with people. Silent people sitting on bunk beds and on the floor, watching us. I look over at Mum, but I don’t know if she’s seen them. I pull on her arm, but it’s too late, we’ve gone past.

  We’re taken to another room. It’s big, with bunk beds squeezed in side by side. It’s got the same sickly light in here too, with the four long windows all boarded up.

  ‘You stay here until we say,’ the soldier says. ‘No one is to leave these doors. Do you understand?’

  People around me nod.

  ‘Do you understand?’ he shouts.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘We do.’

  ‘Yes.’

  The soldier turns his back on us. He walks out but leaves the door wide open. As soon as he’s gone, Darren and Lilli find us.

  ‘Are you okay?’ he asks and he touches my mum’s cheek gently and kisses her.

  ‘We’re fine,’ she says, but her smile doesn’t light up like it normally does when he’s with her.

  ‘Why did they take our bags?’ Lilli asks.

  ‘To dehumanise us,’ Mum says quietly.

  ‘What do you mean?’ Lilli’s face looks so innocent and no one answers her.

  Instead Darren takes the purple band from his arm, bunching it up in his hand.

  ‘I don’t think we’ll be needing this any more,’ he says loudly. ‘They obviously know whose side we’re on, or we wouldn’t be here.’ A few people near us nod, but hardly anyone takes off their armbands. I do, though, and Mum. Lilli hesitates before she copies us, her fingers picking at the edge of her Trad band as she grips it and takes it from her arm. If anyone notices that she’s been wearing it, no one says.

  I stare at the people already in the room. There are men, women, children, just like us. Ordinary people taken away from their homes and put here.

  ‘Well,’ a man in front of us says. He’s the one whose girlfriend has the bleached-blonde hair. ‘Best get settled, then.’

  ‘There won’t be enough beds,’ a woman shouts over at us, her legs swinging from where she sits on a top bunk. She’s right. There must be sixty of us who’ve just come in and only a handful of empty beds. There’s a surge forwards as people suddenly realise. People reach out to claim mattresses, grab for the ladders and clamber to the top. So few people get them and so ma
ny of us are left. We didn’t even bother trying to move.

  It’s at least three-quarters of our coachload who don’t get a bed.

  ‘They don’t seem to have thought this through too well,’ a man laughs.

  ‘I’ll go and tell them we need another room,’ my mum says, moving towards the door.

  ‘No!’ a woman on a bunk near the door jumps down. ‘They told you not to go out there and they mean it.’

  ‘But there aren’t enough beds,’ Mum says. ‘We need to let them know so they can do something about it.’

  ‘Then you wait until they come back in.’

  ‘You need to listen to her,’ an older man tells Mum.

  ‘Just stay here,’ Darren says, holding on to her arm.

  ‘Fine,’ Mum says. ‘But what do they expect us to do in the meantime?’

  ‘Sit on the floor,’ someone calls out.

  ‘Make yourself at home.’

  ‘Our home,’ the old woman from the coach says, ‘looks nothing like this.’

  ‘Come and sit here,’ a man near us says. He must know that she’s too old to be on the floor. ‘We can all budge up and make room for you.’

  ‘We need to have two to a bed,’ someone else says.

  People move over. I’d prefer to sit with my family in a corner, huddled away from all this, but I don’t say.

  ‘Ruby?’ the voice is familiar, from a top bunk. I look up and it’s Destiny, from school. Seeing her face spins relief into me. She jumps down from the bed and I go and throw my arms around her, even though we barely know each other.

  ‘You’re here too,’ I say.

  ‘Yeah. You all right?’

  ‘Do you know what’s going on?’ I ask.

  ‘Only that they want to keep us away from others for some reason.’

  ‘Will they really make us stay the night?’

  ‘Looks that way,’ Destiny says. ‘Do you want to sit up there?’ She nods towards her bunk.

  ‘Is that all right, Mum?’ I ask. The rules seem different here. I don’t know what I’m allowed to do.

  ‘Of course,’ she says. ‘We’ll find space over here somewhere.’

  Lilli looks up at me.

  ‘You okay?’ I ask her. She does a brave smile and nods at me.

  ‘I’ll see you in a mo,’ I say, before I follow Destiny as she climbs up. ‘Have you seen anyone else from school?’ I ask as we sit on the mattress.

  ‘I think I saw Peter Eshaw from our year. I’m sure I saw him walking into the place where they fed us.’

  ‘Do you know Luke Stanley?’ I ask.

  Destiny smiles at me. ‘Of course. You and him are together, right?’

  ‘Is he here?’

  ‘I haven’t seen him.’

  ‘Did they take your phone?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Did you manage to message anyone before you left?’

  ‘No chance. They literally grabbed me and Mum, made us dress and forced us out of the flat.’

  ‘Are they allowed to do this?’

  ‘They make the rules I guess.’

  She’s got the kind of lips I’ve always wanted – ones that’d leave a proper kiss mark on a window. I wonder if I’d feel jealous of her if Luke was sitting next to us now.

  ‘What number did they give you?’ I ask.

  ‘I’m not going to tell you.’

  ‘Why?’

  Destiny looks at me, bright fire in her eyes. ‘Because I’m more than a number.’

  When the door opens, my mum is the first to jump up. She goes straight to the soldier and he visibly tenses.

  ‘There’s not enough space for us all to sleep in here,’ she says.

  ‘There’s plenty of space,’ he says.

  ‘There aren’t enough beds then,’ she says, standing tall in front of him.

  ‘It’s all there is,’ the soldier says. ‘Or would you prefer to sleep outside?’

  ‘What I’d prefer,’ Mum says, ‘is that you let us all go home.’ My heart starts to beat too fast. I want her to sit back down and not question it.

  ‘We’re okay here,’ Darren says, as he gets up to stand next to her and I think I actually want to hug him. ‘Leave it for now,’ he tells Mum.

  ‘Fine,’ she says, but she yanks herself away from him and walks back to where she was sitting. The soldier follows her.

  ‘What’s your name?’ he asks, standing over her.

  ‘Hermione Granger,’ she says, staring him down.

  The slap is so sudden that I don’t see it before she’s on the floor.

  ‘Mum!’ I scream, but Destiny grabs me and pulls me back. Anger blazes from Darren, but he doesn’t move.

  ‘Well, Miss Granger,’ the soldier says. ‘Know that I’ll be watching you.’ He moves his leg and I think he’s going to kick her in the stomach, but he just turns and walks away.

  As soon as he’s gone, I jump down, but Darren is already helping mum on to the bed, his arms protective around her.

  ‘Why didn’t you do something?’ I yell at him.

  ‘I’m fine,’ Mum says. But her cheek is swollen and stretched with ugly blue.

  ‘You’re not,’ I say. I look at Darren. ‘You did nothing.’

  ‘What could he have done?’ Mum’s anger is fired towards me now. ‘They’ve got guns, Ruby.’ She sees now that Lilli has tears falling silently and she leans over to hold her close. ‘I’m fine,’ she says. ‘It’s just a little knock, that’s all.’

  That’s all? I want to scream. That’s all?

  The whole room is watching. But no one says a word.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  ‘You need strong leadership to clear the vermin, to restore your security and your future.’ – John Andrews, leader of the Traditional Party

  It’s been over an hour and no one else has come in. I’m hungry again already. The soup is all we’ve had all day. I keep hoping Luke or Dad will appear, but then I think I’d prefer it if they didn’t. I’m not sure I want them near this place, even if that means I don’t get to see them.

  Some people are saying we’ll be here for a couple of days, others are sure we’ll get to go home tomorrow. Destiny’s mum, Aba, thinks they’re just trying to scare us, so there won’t be any more protests.

  Mum has barely spoken since the guard hit her. There’s a toilet in a tiny room in the corner and she went in there for a while to put some cold water on the bruise. When she came out it was obvious she’d been crying. Lilli just held her hand when she sat back on the bed and hasn’t let go of it since.

  I’m sitting on the floor next to them, Darren beside me, when the door opens. It’s a woman soldier, her blonde hair brushed back in a tight bun. She’s got a gun slung across her front.

  ‘The following people are to come with me,’ she says and with barely a gap she starts reading from a list. My name is on it. And Lilli and Destiny, but not my mum or Darren. When the woman has finished we all sit and stare at her. It’s Darren who gets up and walks to where she stands by the door.

  ‘You can’t just take them without saying where they’re going,’ he says. I feel so relieved that he’s here to protect us.

  ‘There’s nothing to worry about,’ the guard says, her words sucked dry of any emotion.

  ‘They’re not going,’ Darren says, ‘until you tell me where.’ He’s taller than the woman and she takes a small step back.

  ‘They’re going to work in the kitchen,’ the guard says. ‘You want to eat, don’t you?’

  ‘Yes,’ a man says. ‘We do.’

  Mum turns to me. She can’t hide that look in her eyes. ‘You have to go,’ she tells me. ‘Just do what they say and look after Lilli.’

  Darren puts his hand on my shoulder. I feel safe with it there and want to stay in this room with him and Mum. ‘We’ll be here when you get back,’ he says and I nod at him.

  People start moving towards the door. I see Destiny get down from her bunk, so I take Lilli’s hand and pull her with me. A woman walks up
to the guard. A baby is strapped to her front.

  ‘Excuse me,’ she says, ‘my name is on the list, but I have to bring my daughter with me as she’s due a feed soon.’

  ‘The baby stays here,’ the guard says.

  ‘But I’m breastfeeding her,’ the woman says. ‘She’s only three months old, she needs to be with me.’

  The guard seems confused about what to do as a man walks up to them.

  ‘I’m her husband,’ he says. ‘I’ll go instead of her.’

  The guard looks down at her list. I watch her brain fumble for a moment before she snaps her head up, determined.

  ‘No,’ she says. ‘This is the list. You –’ she points to the mother – ‘leave the baby and come with me.’

  ‘I’ve got some powdered milk you can have,’ a woman sitting on the floor offers. Her baby is older, crawling around.

  ‘But she’s never taken a bottle.’ The mother’s panic flutters into me.

  ‘It’s okay,’ her husband says. He’s untying the carrier strapped to the woman. ‘She’ll be fine. I’ll sort it.’ He’s trying to take the baby from his wife, but she doesn’t want to let her daughter go.

  ‘Please,’ she says to the guard. ‘I’ve never been separated from her. She’s only three months old.’

  ‘You’re going to be preparing food,’ the guard says. ‘You can’t do that with a baby stuck to you.’

  ‘I can,’ the mother says. ‘I promise. I do it all the time.’

  The guard holds tightly to her gun. ‘I said no.’

  It’s enough to make the husband take their baby. But the mother is crying and he’s clumsy as he tries to wipe her tears and hold their daughter safe.

  ‘You might even be back before the next feed,’ he says and it must take all his effort to walk away from her.

  ‘Move,’ the guard says and we do. In pairs, we walk out of the room. I try to look back to catch a glimpse of my mum, but she’s blocked by the people in the line behind me.

  We go along the corridor and back down the stairs. I hold Lilli’s hand the whole time. Outside, the rain is heavier and we walk quickly through it, but I want to stop. It’s nice to feel it cold against my face, to feel the air on my skin. We go into the place where we ate. The tables are filled with more people and I scan their faces, but there are too many of them and we’re marched by too quickly.