I am Not A Number

by Lisa Heathfield

  ‘Lilli?’ I call.

  ‘I’m in here,’ she says. She’s two doors down.

  ‘Why do you need her?’ the guard asks me. I don’t answer and I don’t ask for permission as I throw Mum’s damp shirt over Lilli’s door.

  I’m squeezing the ends of my hair when I go over to Luke in the bunk room. Just being next to him makes everything else disappear. If I look only at him then I can pretend that the rest of the room doesn’t exist.

  ‘They just made me have the quickest shower ever,’ I tell him.

  He nods to the group of men over in the corner.

  ‘Dad and your Darren are making new friends,’ he says.

  ‘He’s not my Darren,’ I say.

  ‘He’s all right, Ruby. My dad likes him.’

  ‘Your dad doesn’t have to live with him,’ I say, pulling on my hoodie.

  ‘Fair enough,’ Luke says. But I feel a hint of guilt, because in here I feel safer every time Darren’s near, like he really can protect us.

  At that moment he’s huddled in the corner of the bunk room with a group of people we’ve never met before. He’s so completely focused and people are really listening to him. They all look very serious. Mum’s told him that if he even thinks about trying to break out of here tonight, she’ll divorce him on the spot.

  ‘Have you spoken to Destiny yet?’ I ask. She’s lying on her top bunk, but there’s no way she can be asleep with the lights on and everyone talking. ‘Maybe we should go and see if she’s okay.’

  ‘We don’t even know her.’ Luke’s quite shy in any case, plus she’s a girl and a beautiful one at that.

  ‘I talked to her earlier,’ I say. ‘She’s nice.’ And however much I just want to stay here with Luke, I know Destiny’s on her own with memories of what the Trads made her do.

  So I walk towards her bunk and hope Luke will follow. I climb up to the top without asking if she minds. She opens her eyes as I do.

  ‘Budge up,’ I say. She sits up to make space.

  ‘Enough for me too?’ Luke asks, joining us. It’s a bit of a squash, so he keeps his legs hanging down over the edge.

  But now I’m here I don’t know what to say. I’d wanted to help get rid of Destiny’s embarrassment, but I think us just being here has smeared it all over her again.

  ‘You’ve had a shower too,’ she eventually says.

  ‘If you can call it that. A blast of water for two minutes. No soap, no shampoo, or towel.’ I smile as though it’s funny, but it’s not. My hair’s dirty, I need to change my underwear and I didn’t bring any deodorant, so I probably smell as well. ‘I’m so tired now, I just want to sleep.’

  ‘Do you think they’re sorting out another room?’ Destiny asks.

  ‘Nope,’ Luke says, as he takes my hand. ‘I reckon this is it.’

  ‘But there’s not even enough floor space for everyone to stretch out,’ I say.

  ‘Do you think they care?’ Luke asks. All I can feel is his thumb drawing circles on my palm.

  ‘Will they bring us duvets at least?’ Destiny asks.

  ‘I doubt that either.’

  ‘Great,’ I say. I look down at all the people sprawled across the room. There are two babies asleep in arms and a handful of children scattered on laps. Some are playing, stepping over people’s legs, but even from here I can feel that the patience in the room is already stretched tight. One man puts up an arm to stop a boy.

  ‘No, thank you,’ I hear him say.

  ‘I can’t spend the night with only a sheet,’ Destiny says.

  ‘Maybe their plan is to send us mad through lack of sleep,’ I say.

  ‘Turn us into zombie Trads,’ Luke laughs.

  ‘They’d better get things sorted better than this,’ Destiny says. ‘Or there’s no way I’m staying here.’

  ‘Too right,’ I say.

  And it’s good to feel like we have a choice, that we can control what’s happening to us. That we won’t be beaten.

  Mum won’t let me sleep anywhere near Luke, so he and his dad couldn’t be much further away if they tried. They’ve got the tiniest patch of floor near the toilet, using their coats as pillows.

  People are doubled up on the beds, so I’m head to toe with Lilli on a bottom mattress, the sheet stretched tight underneath us. We’re both still wearing our clothes as we’ve got nothing else. I pull up my hood, but it doesn’t make me feel cosy, or safe. Mum is next to us on the floor and Darren is actually under the bunk. He says it’ll be darker and quieter there, but it must be horrible.

  ‘I’m cold,’ Lilli says.

  ‘Kick your legs like a bicycle,’ I tell her, but she doesn’t. I don’t know whether it’s because there’s not enough room or she hasn’t got the energy.

  Someone turns off the light and the room is pitch black. Instantly a child cries out.

  ‘Can we keep the light on?’ a woman calls.

  ‘No,’ two people shout.

  The child doesn’t stop crying. There are the sounds of someone comforting it but if anything the sobbing gets worse.

  ‘Ruby?’ It’s Mum whispering up to me. Her hand pats the bed until she finds me and starts to stroke my hair. ‘Are you two okay?’

  ‘Never been better,’ I say. I hate it here in this weird room packed with strangers. But I remember she’s on the cold floor. ‘Are you?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Do you want to swap?’ I ask her.

  ‘No, I’m fine,’ she says.

  ‘This is rubbish, Mum,’ I whisper. ‘I really, really want to go home.’

  ‘I know,’ she says. ‘Let’s try to sleep.’

  ‘I can’t without my pillow.’

  ‘You will soon and then maybe things’ll be different tomorrow.’

  ‘They better be,’ I say.

  The child is still crying. At some point it’ll wear itself out. It’ll stop, but I’m not sure when.

  ‘Could you get him to be quiet?’ someone shouts.

  ‘I’m trying,’ a woman snaps. ‘But it’s a bit difficult when he’s this hungry.’

  I want to text Sara to tell her where I am, but even if I could she’d think I was winding her up. I think of the face she’d pull and how I should be with her, meeting tomorrow under our oak tree. I don’t want to cry, there are too many people who’d hear me in here. Around me there’s the sound of people breathing. Someone makes a deep rattly sound with every intake of breath and I have to bite my sleeve to stop myself screaming at them.

  Instead I use the sound of the boy’s tears and turn it into music, imagine that it’s actually something really beautiful. But it’s difficult. It’s scraping away at me and I want to sleep. I need to sleep.

  My mum continues to stroke my hair.

  ‘I can’t stay here, Mum.’

  ‘It won’t be for long.’

  I turn on to my side, but there’s barely enough space for me and Lilli. I can feel the necklace Luke gave me nestled against my skin and I reach up to touch it, to feel the letters of my name held in my fingers. And I let the darkness walk slowly over my skin, feel it on my toes, my ankles and it drifts like fog over my body. It settles on my eyelids, pressing them deep enough to try to make everything else disappear.

  CHAPTER SIX

  ‘I know there will be opposition to change, opposition to our vision, but we’re ready for this. We’ll embrace the challenges and guide you through difficult times.’ – John Andrews, leader of the Traditional Party

  ‘You’ve only got two minutes to be outside, Ruby,’ Darren tells me. The morning has come round too quick and I want to pull the night back to give me more sleep. My eyes ache and my body aches and I don’t understand how we’re here and not at home.

  ‘Come on,’ Mum says, practically dragging me off the mattress. My clothes feel horrid now and I need to have something to change into.

  ‘I want my make up.’

  ‘They wouldn’t let you wear it in any case,’ Mum tells me.

  I take my hairband fr
om my wrist and start to put my hair into a ponytail.

  ‘Leave it down, Ruby,’ Darren says.

  I glare at him. ‘You always hated my undercut.’

  ‘You know it’s not that,’ Mum says.

  ‘It’s the Trads who won’t like it,’ Darren says. ‘And I’m not having you singled out.’

  ‘But I need to wash it,’ I say. ‘I know it looks awful.’

  ‘You’ll have to deal with it.’ Mum whips my band from my hair so quick I’m too shocked to reply.

  ‘Will we be cold?’ Lilli asks.

  ‘Take your coat,’ Mum tells her. ‘It could be any weather out there.’ The windows are so blocked-over from the outside that we can’t see a shred of what’s beyond them.

  The children in here are already running around, even though they must’ve only just woken up. No one stops them laughing, though. We need it at the moment.

  ‘That was the worst night ever.’ It’s Destiny standing behind us. ‘I can’t do another one like that.’

  The door is kicked open. ‘Line up in pairs. Now,’ the guard demands.

  Destiny grabs my arm. ‘Can I go with you?’ She’s too far from her mum.

  I feel a hand on my shoulder and Luke is standing next to me. Through all of this he helps me to smile.

  ‘I’ll go with Lilli,’ he says. And my little sister instantly blushes. At home her obvious devotion to Luke winds me up, but here she looks quite cute with her hair all messed up and her eyes half asleep.

  Darren holds my mum’s hand and they manage to slot in line in front of us as we start moving forwards. I run my tongue over my teeth. My mouth feels so mank that I’d probably even use the shared toothbrush if they give us the chance again.

  ‘Do you think they’ll let us shower this morning?’ Destiny asks.

  ‘No talking!’ a guard in the corridor shouts. There’s just the sound of our shoes shuffling along now. I’m too tired to even lift my feet and I’ve a headache pressing in. I can feel its palm print on my skull.

  We get outside and it’s pouring with rain, but we all follow the line into it.

  ‘This is crazy,’ Destiny says to me. ‘What’s wrong with these people?’

  I want to answer that they’re Traditionals, but even at their worst they’ve never been like this. Before they’d say stupid things and have stupid slogans and policies. But this? It feels like they’ve slipped into some sort of collective madness.

  ‘It’s bloody freezing,’ Darren says, putting his arm around Mum and holding her close.

  There are already people lined up and more are coming out of the building. There are so many Cores but it doesn’t feel powerful because even though there are far fewer guards than us, their guns make up for their lack of numbers. At least they’re getting soaked too. In another place it’d be funny how the water slips down their faces and they can’t wipe it away.

  The general walks out from the side of the furthest building and just seeing him makes my blood creep strangely. Even from here with the rain streaking down, the red slash on his sleeve is clear. His hands are behind his back and I don’t know what he’s holding. As he gets closer, he starts to bring one arm in front of him and for a moment everything in my world stops. He’ll have a gun. He’ll shoot us. The thought is so strong, so vivid, that I close my eyes.

  ‘We were going to check your numbers.’ The general’s voice rattles through a loudspeaker. I let out such a breath that Destiny reaches to calm me. ‘But it’s too wet for the paperwork.’ His words are distorted, robotic through the raindrops. ‘You shall wait here until the weather changes.’

  The murmuring among us is instant.

  ‘He really has lost his mind,’ Destiny says.

  ‘There’s no way I’m staying out here,’ a woman says.

  ‘Silence,’ the general says through his megaphone. And there is. No one questions it again. No one fights it. I watch as he turns and walks back towards the building, his body disappearing inside.

  We wait. The rain drips down the guards’ faces and they don’t look funny any more. The water hammers down on us and we can’t hide from it. I clench my fingers into my palm to try to keep them dry. And I try to imagine Luke’s hand there, his thumb on my skin. He’s standing two people away, Destiny and Lilli between us, but we feel a million miles apart. I don’t even dare turn to look at him.

  Even the children are quiet. All but one baby whose wail catches on the wind. Beyond the fence, I see two coaches. The gates open and they drive in. I no longer want my dad to be on them. I don’t want him to be here. I need him to be safe, far away.

  The coaches come closer and stop. The glass windows can’t hide the shock on the faces of the people inside, as they see us standing in the rain. Hundreds and hundreds of us waiting, staring. I watch them as they stumble to their feet. They’ll be tired and hoping to get some sleep here. Some food. They proceed down the steps, one by one, reluctantly dropping their bags on to a pile. There are four young children in a row. Two of the girls look like twins and another clutches a rabbit by its ear so its feet almost sweep on to the wet ground. A woman who must be their mother attempts to keep them all together under her arms. They cover their heads to try to keep off the rain.

  The next person and the next come down the steps and none of them are my dad. Maybe they won’t catch him. Maybe instead he’ll somehow save us.

  ‘I am way too cold,’ Destiny says.

  ‘I need food,’ I tell her. I wish I hadn’t said it, as now I’ve given my hunger permission to push its way to the front.

  ‘Don’t worry, they’ll have a fried breakfast waiting for us,’ Destiny says.

  ‘That’s not funny,’ I tell her. But I take it and I start to feed my mind with the food.

  The people from the coaches start to join the end of the line. I should look more carefully to see if I know any of them, but the rain is making my eyes ache and it’s best to close them. This is what tired really is. Even my blood feels heavy. My bones, my skin, everything is begging me to sit down. And I wonder what they’ll do if I try? Will they even spot me? There are so many of us and it’s raining enough for them not to see.

  So I sit, my back against the wall. If they ask me to get up, I’ll tell them I’m too tired. The floor is soaked and I feel the wet crawling through my jeans and my underwear, but I don’t care. My legs need to rest. If I’d stayed standing I would’ve keeled over and that would’ve been a lot worse.

  I feel Destiny nudging me with her foot.

  ‘You’re not meant to sit down,’ she whispers.

  ‘Just for a moment,’ I tell her. I don’t like the worry on her face, so I close my eyes again and put my head on my knees. The cold from the floor joins the cold from the rain and I’m freezing. But still, if it weren’t for the hunger, I reckon I could sleep. Even with the rain on my neck and sitting like this, I really could.

  I’m pushed hard to the side and put out my hand just in time to stop my face from smashing into the ground.

  ‘Get up!’ a guard shouts. I pull myself to my feet and wipe my muddy hands on my trousers.

  ‘I was tired,’ I say, though I don’t feel so brave now because he’s holding some sort of riding whip, gripping its silver handle in his fingers.

  ‘You’ll learn discipline,’ the guard says. ‘You’ll run the length of the line and back until I tell you to stop.’

  ‘Run?’ I’m not at school. Why do they want me to run?

  ‘You haven’t heard me properly?’ The guard steps closer and raises his whip until it’s touching my cheek. ‘I could help by cleaning out your ears with this.’

  ‘Run, for God’s sake, Ruby,’ I hear Mum say.

  The line of leather presses into my skin.

  ‘Fine,’ I say, but I don’t look at my mum as I know she’ll see the fear I’m trying to hide. I won’t look at any of them.

  I feel every set of eyes on me as I pass, so I focus on the world beyond the fence. In the distance is a mountain and I look
at that. I force myself to see how it doesn’t peak in a spike. Maybe it’s not a proper mountain but it’s more than a hill. It’s round at the top and joins another, smaller one. They seem very safe. I imagine myself sitting there, hidden among their shape.

  My feet pound the wet ground. It’s concrete, so it’s easier to get a rhythm. At the end I turn around. This way I can see the entrance to the camp. The fence is high, its barbed wire telling me everything. I hadn’t noticed the watchtower close to the gate, but it’s clear as anything now. There’s a guard in it and the silhouette of a gun.

  I concentrate on Mum’s face as I run back down the line. Her eyes are wild with anger, but her face is stone. Darren holds tight to her hand and he nods at me and says something, but I don’t hear it. It’s enough though. He’s willing me on and it gives me strength.

  I know I run past Luke, but I’m too embarrassed to look at him. I’m sweaty and soaked and I know he loves me whatever, but I don’t want him to see me like this. I’ll have to run past him again and again, looking worse and worse, until the pig of a guard says I can stop.

  My legs are beginning to burn as I turn at the end, facing the mountain again. I wish I could look more to the sky but the rain isn’t stopping. So I keep going. Running on. Trying to count the sound of my feet on the ground.

  ‘You can do this, Ruby.’ This time I catch Darren’s words and I use them as fuel.

  I’m thirsty, but the water falling on me isn’t enough.

  The guard doesn’t tell me it’s over. I’ve never been good at running far and my lungs feel filled with fire. Someone has lit a match in them and now every breath sparks new flames. A stitch is gripping my side.

  I’m sure the rain is weakening.

  But now they’ll be able to see that I’m crying.

  I don’t mean to but I look at Luke as I pass. I wish I hadn’t. It’s hopeless despair on his face. His dad is holding his arm, as if stopping him from trying to help me. I won’t look at him again. It’s made my heart hurt worse and my tears now are for more than just agony and exhaustion and hunger.

  A guard grabs me by the shoulder. I collapse into him and he wipes me away like a piece of dirt.