I am Not A Number

by Lisa Heathfield

  A gunshot shatters the air.

  Its echo falls into the sudden silence.

  I think they must have shot towards the sky to scare the woman, until I look again and I can’t see her. And the man is standing and his arms are wide and his mouth pinned so wrong with shock. His clothes are red and I know it’s blood and he howls and kneels to where she must lie and all I see is the guard raise a gun and all I hear is another shot. And it’s now, in this very moment, that the edges of the world fall away.

  I grip tight to Destiny’s arm, needing for the woman and her husband to stand up and wipe themselves down, clean off the stage blood and the guards will say we can go. We can all go and the man and his wife will hold hands and lead us away and they’ll dismantle this place.

  But some children start to cry.

  ‘Shh, shh,’ a mother says and there’s terror on her face as she tries to silence her child.

  And I know this hell is real.

  The women are sent to clean. The showers, the bedrooms, the corridors, the stairs. We have one bucket between ten of us. One cloth each. There are brooms and dustpans and brushes.

  But all I see is the woman’s blood. Her husband’s face. The gun that killed them.

  Destiny and I work together in a bunk room that’s not our own and although no one has told us to be silent, neither of us speak. At each bed we take off the sheet, turn the mattress before we pull the sheet tight over it again. Under one mattress we find a diary. Destiny and I just stare at it. It feels too personal and vulnerable sitting there and we cover it quickly, out of sight.

  At every moment, the memory of those gunshots follow us. At every bed I wonder if this one belongs to them. Did they sleep on this sheet? Is this their smell? I want to find just a small thing about them, to bring their lives back again.

  Destiny and I shake out the next sheet.

  They didn’t know that after breakfast they would die.

  On one bed there are two dinosaurs. One is stuffed and ragged, with the tail stitched. The other is plastic. They should be in a home somewhere, tucked into their right bed, or sticky in a child’s hand. Not here. No child should be here.

  It’s only now that I see Conor’s mum. She’s on her hands and knees scrubbing the skirting board. Her skin looks grey, clinging to her cheekbones. This camp is destroying her. There’s no guard in here and they never told us that we couldn’t swap jobs, so I go and take the cloth from her before she knows.

  ‘The sheets are easier,’ I tell her. I think she’ll protest, but she only sinks back on to her knees.

  ‘Where’ve they taken Conor, Ruby?’ she asks. Each word is folded in despair. ‘Where is he?’

  ‘He’ll be working somewhere too,’ I tell her.

  Conor’s mum covers her face with her hands and her shoulders are shaking. I’ve never seen any of my friends’ mums cry. I put my arms round her and I can feel her bones jagged and pitiful and it makes me want to scream. She’s Conor’s mum and she’s ill and she needs help, but no one is giving it to her. No one cares.

  ‘It’ll be okay,’ I say. ‘You’ll see him soon.’ I feel her nod her head in my arms and with every part of me – every cell, every heartbeat – I need this to be true.

  After watery soup for lunch, the women and children are herded into the hall at the end of the camp. Lilli barely looks back as she’s taken with the other children to the room next door. Mum hasn’t told her that a woman and a man were shot and maybe she’s right that it’s better that way. I don’t want that truth carved into my sister’s bones.

  The guard at the front is the same as before. She smiles, watching us, as the last of the children leave the room. It’s only now that I realise that Mrs Jesenska isn’t with us.

  ‘Where’s Violette?’ I ask my mum

  ‘I’m not sure,’ she answers, but I can tell she’s hiding something.

  ‘What’s happened?’ I look her squarely in the eyes, giving her no choice but to tell me.

  ‘She’s been taken somewhere with her husband. And Darren noticed how another older man, the one on his own, he wasn’t there this morning.’

  ‘Silence!’ a guard shouts and dread prickles my skin as I look towards the front.

  We sit in our group to sew with Destiny and her mum, but there’s a hollowness to the room without Mrs Jesenska here. My mind wanders down dark paths as I think where she might be and each time I dig the needle sharp into the material to stop my thoughts. The room is quiet enough for us to hear cuttings of children’s laughter from the room next door and I hold on to the sound and surround myself with it.

  I wonder what Luke will think of these underpants we’re making, of how ugly they are, but then realise that maybe he won’t even get a chance to see them and the need I feel to have him close slices through my hunger and battles back any other hurt I have, until I’m just a burning point of missing him. Missing our railway hut. Missing his skin on mine.

  When we’re finished, we’re told to line up in rows again and wait for the children to come back. Behind us I hear the urgent whispers of a woman. ‘There are at least twenty pairs of scissors in this room. And only five guards.’ I don’t know who she’s talking to, but someone replies with angry words until the woman interrupts her. ‘I’m just saying that it’s an option if we need it.’

  Lilli comes through the door with the other children. She looks happy and I know I’m running out of time. I have to somehow do something to get us out of here, before the Traditionals build a wall between us too high for me to climb over to reach her.

  Mum hugs her when she gets to us.

  ‘Was it okay?’ she asks, her eyes searching Lilli’s face for clues.

  ‘Yes. It was good.’

  Good? How can anything in this camp be good?

  ‘They gave me these.’ She holds up a pair of pink pyjamas with a bow tied over them. ‘And a cake with candles.’

  ‘They knew it was your birthday?’ Mum asks, her voice failing to stay upbeat.

  ‘Yes. They know lots of things about us.’

  What are you telling them, Lilli?

  ‘The heart Mum made you is better than some rank pyjamas,’ I say. Lilli looks lost, so Mum leans over to hug her.

  ‘The pyjamas are lovely. Think how well you’ll sleep.’ She glares at me over the top of Lilli’s head, but I hold my ground and don’t look away.

  We’re each given a new pair of underpants as we leave and even though they’re hideous I can’t wait to change into them. I hold mine tight as we march out slowly, stepping to the rhythm that the Trads set. As we get closer to the exercise yard, I can see groups of the men. They’ve dug deep holes in a straight line and in them sit huge posts, travelling down between two of the buildings.

  Lilli pulls on Mum’s sleeve. ‘There’s Darren,’ she says pointing to a figure slamming a spade into the ground. Mum’s relief makes her stand taller. I want to run and speak to him and tell him about the sewing and how Lilli went away again.

  ‘What do you think they’re doing?’ I ask.

  ‘It looks like they’re building a fence,’ Mum says simply.

  ‘Just in the middle like that?’ Lilli asks.

  ‘Yes,’ Mum says, as we’re lined up for roll call.

  Darren looks over. Mum waves, even though I’m sure she’s not supposed to. He pretends he hasn’t seen her, but I know he has, because he digs the spade harder into the ground as if he’s not exhausted, or starving. I want to go and drag him back to be with us. We don’t feel complete without him here.

  ‘Why are they building a fence?’ Lilli persists. Her new pyjamas held close to her.

  Mum takes her hand. ‘To separate us.’

  I count each of the men as they arrive in the bunk room. Almost everyone has someone who runs to hug them when they appear, but Stan has no one. He looks beaten down by the day and even though I’m waiting for Luke, I can’t leave him like that. I walk over and when I hug him I think he might cry.

  ‘What are th
ey doing to us, Ruby?’ he asks.

  ‘I don’t know.’

  And then Luke is in the doorway. He looks like he hasn’t even got the energy to move, but he walks with his dad, stepping over the people sitting on the floor. I watch him for a moment and see how much he’s changed since we’ve been in this camp, how he’s definitely lost weight and the stubble on his face makes him seem older.

  ‘Go to him,’ Stan tells me.

  When Luke sees me he has that change in his eyes. The look that’s mine, that makes the world disappear. I don’t care if there are guards outside, I don’t care if they might walk in, I have to be with him.

  And when I get to him he hugs me. Holding me so close that in this moment the horrors are nothing, because Luke is everything.

  ‘Don’t cry, Rubes,’ he says. His forehead gentle on mine, his thumbs wiping away the tears on my cheeks.

  ‘Mum thinks it’s a fence you’re building,’ I say.

  ‘It is,’ he replies.

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Maybe more people are coming and it’ll be easier with some on each side?’

  ‘So they won’t separate us?’

  ‘No one will do that.’ He looks deep into my eyes, willing me to believe it. ‘What did they make you do today?’

  His hope spreads to me as I step back from him. ‘Well, this is when you’re in for a treat.’ I start unbuttoning my jeans and show him the top of the crinkly new underpants.

  ‘What are they?’ he laughs.

  ‘The latest in high-quality lingerie.’ I lean in to whisper, ‘Do you want a closer look?’ And before he can say anything I grab him and push him into the tiny toilet and lock the door.

  And I know I should feel self-conscious as I haven’t shaved my legs for days and I know I’ve got spots on my forehead and probably look scrawny, but I don’t care as I pull down my jeans completely. I’m in home-made underpants and they’re ugly, but they’re clean. I’ll take this moment and be happy.

  ‘They’re very attractive,’ Luke laughs as he leans into me.

  ‘I haven’t brushed my teeth since last night,’ I remind him.

  ‘I don’t care.’ And he pushes me against the wall and kisses me. His hands are on me and mine are on him and I know we shouldn’t but I don’t think I can stop. He kisses my closed eyes, my neck, my lips and I’m alive, so completely alive.

  ‘I didn’t think you’d find the knickers so sexy,’ I laugh as his touch scalds my blood.

  ‘You’d look sexy in anything,’ Luke laughs too. I try to reply, but he takes my words with his lips.

  There’s a thumping on the door.

  ‘Shit,’ Luke says, pulling away.

  ‘They can wait,’ I tell him, needing to keep him close.

  The door bangs again.

  ‘We know you’re in there.’

  It’s not someone waiting for the toilet. It’s a guard. I look at the boarded-up window. There’s no way to escape.

  ‘Get out. Now.’

  We’re both in here together. I’m in my underwear.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Luke says. He looks physically hurt as I hurry to pull up my jeans.

  ‘Don’t be,’ I whisper. I put my finger to his lips before I kiss him, until the hammering on the door starts again. ‘It was worth it.’

  ‘Get out now,’ the guard shouts. ‘Or I will shoot someone in this room.’

  I’m doing up my button as Luke unlocks the door. The guard is standing so close and he stares at Luke and then at me. Disgust filling every part of his eyes.

  ‘Follow me,’ he says, his hand on his gun. ‘Both of you.’

  The room is so silent as everyone watches us. I keep my head held high, because I’m not ashamed. I love Luke. They can’t hurt us for that.

  Mum rushes up to the guard. ‘Where are you taking them?’ she asks. He stands by the bunk room door and looks through her as if she hasn’t even spoken. ‘She’s my daughter,’ Mum says calmly. ‘And I have a right to know where you’re taking her.’

  Darren stands up and walks over. He leaves Lilli alone on the bed and I look at her and try to smile. I’m fine, I mouth and she nods back, her breathing too quick.

  ‘I’ll go in her place,’ Darren tells the guard. ‘She’s just a child. You can punish me.’

  The guard turns to look at him.

  ‘If you speak one more word, I will choose three people from this room and I will shoot them.’ He pulls me forward and Luke follows.

  I want to hug my mum before I go. I want to tell her that I love her, but now I’m too terrified. And Luke and I are taken away.

  It’s just our footsteps, followed by the heavy boots of the guard as we go down the stairs. I try to hold on to the sound, feel the cold of the banister underneath my fingers. I have walked down here so many times, with my mum and Darren, with my sister.

  Lilli. I want to go back to her, talk to her, tell her that I love her too. Tell her to be brave. And hug her until they pull me from her.

  The door is hard against my palm. It touches my skin and I hear it close behind us.

  It’s dark. The night has been waiting. And now it’s silent and closes its eyes.

  Another guard is here and I somehow manage to walk as they lead Luke and me across the yard to the wall.

  ‘Stand with your backs against it.’ Each one of the guard’s words are flat and endless to the dark horizon.

  There’s just the dreadful, painful beating of my heart. The cloudless sky. The solid white moon. I can hear Luke breathing beside me as we stare in front at the two guards with their guns and I don’t think I can stand. My legs feel as if they are made of air and I’ll fall.

  ‘Face each other,’ a guard shouts. I’m shaking as I turn until Luke and I are almost touching. ‘Stand further apart,’ the guard shouts again. Luke and I step back from each other. I see him there, but I don’t. There’s just my lungs, my blood beating.

  ‘The person in front of you,’ a guard says, ‘is a vile human being. When lust is left to fester it infects everything around it. It sets rot into the whole society.’ He’s talking to me and Luke. He’s wanting us both to believe it. So when we die we hate each other? ‘The Traditionals are creating a society where procreation is for the continuation of the human race. The children created will be born within marriage and will grow within a strong family unit.’

  I look at Luke and I know he thinks the same. Our love is true and pure.

  ‘You will stand here,’ the guard says. ‘And you will look at the person of your downfall. If you look away, even for a moment, I will shoot you.’

  Luke stares at me. Is this our punishment? I have to look at the boy I love?

  We stand so still. I won’t look away. It’s Luke in front of me and he helps calm the fierce terror and slow my heart, so that it no longer burrows so sharp through my skin.

  I look into the eyes I’ve always loved, the darkest brown just before they tip into black. I want to touch his cheekbones, feel them under my fingertips. I imagine that I do. And I wonder if he does the same to me, because it’s like I can feel him, his hands on my face.

  I don’t move. I just watch Luke watching me. In another place, I wouldn’t be able to resist kissing his lips. I would kiss him a million times and never get bored of it.

  I want Mum and Darren to know that we’re alive. I need Lilli to know. In that room, so close to here, their worlds will be on hold. I think of my mum crying and maybe it wasn’t worth it. Just being by Luke’s side should’ve been enough.

  There’s a noise from across the yard. I nearly look, but I remember just in time. Luke begs me with his eyes not to turn away from him.

  ‘I’m not going to stand all night,’ I hear one guard say. There’s the sound of something being put down. Maybe a chair.

  ‘Don’t get too close to them,’ another voice says. ‘Their faults might be catching.’ And the two guards laugh. They laugh at the dirty Core supporters who are in love.

  Time sneaks on, but I
don’t know how fast or how slow. I look into Luke’s eyes and maybe an hour, maybe a minute has seeped into the past.

  There’s the sound of the guard walking towards us. Neither of us look. Luke blinks. I blink back. We’re okay.

  The guard gets close.

  ‘This is for your own benefit,’ he says, his breath bringing with it the smell of mint. ‘And to eradicate teenage lust will benefit us all.’

  Lust? What about love? Is there no good in that?

  I hear him walk away. Eighteen footsteps. Then maybe he sits down.

  My legs are beginning to ache. And the cold is wrapping closer and closer. I start to walk on the spot, looking all the time at Luke. They haven’t said we can’t move. I shake my arms, needing my blood to somehow warm them.

  Time yawns in front of us and moves its mouth over our heads, clamping down and shaking my mind until everything is strange. It’s night-time, that’s all I know. And Luke is here and I love him and I know that too.

  Our first kiss was in his bedroom and I hadn’t known it was coming. I think I’d hoped, but I’d pretended that this boy and this girl could be friends. No matter that he was gorgeous and funny and kind. No matter that Hannah Maynard told everyone that she fancied him and no one else should go close. So when he put Prince on and was trying to convince me to listen and he was pulling these funny moves, when he toppled over and grabbed me to stop himself from falling, I hadn’t known it was going to happen. And it wasn’t my first kiss, but it was my best by a million miles.

  ‘Okay?’ he whispers, his mouth barely moving. I almost look over to the guard to check he hasn’t heard. I blink once, yes. And nod towards him and he blinks back once and I feel better again. We can do this. Soon the guard will need to sleep and he’ll send us off and they’ll never catch us together again.

  The cold digs deeper. I keep facing Luke, but look up towards the sky behind him. I’ve never seen so many stars. When we were young, Dad would sometimes take Lilli and me to the hill in the park, just so we could see them, but they were never like this. Here, it’s like bright dust sprinkled in the dark that goes on forever. Dad told us that even though we can see their light each star died millions of years ago. I couldn’t understand that then and I don’t now. Because they’re there, clearly, watching us.