NLP

by Tom Hoobyar

  Here’s an interesting thing about the way humans work. Whenever we hear a question, we’re inclined to answer; we almost can’t help doing this. Even if we don’t respond out loud, we answer the question in our heads.

  For example, if I were to say, “I wonder what your father would look like if he had green hair. Imagine that your father was there in a picture out in front of you; if he was standing maybe ten feet away from you with green hair, would it be light green or dark green? I don’t know; what would it look like? Would his eyebrows match his hair?” Now your brain is making images—because that’s the way brains work.

  So questions are really powerful tools for guiding experience. You just want to make sure that when you’re guiding someone’s inner experience you’re guiding them in a direction that will be pleasant for them to experience, so they’ll like being around you.

  Suppose someone lets me know how their day went, saying, “My boss was really short-tempered today. I think something is going on. He gave me an assignment and wouldn’t give me any direction on how to do it.” I’d say, “Oh, so you got an assignment and you didn’t get the information on how to do it,” and they’d say, “Yeah,” and then they’ll go on! The point is, they will feel that you really understand them. Because they feel heard, they’re likely to tell you more.

  8. At some point during this exchange, I could also say, “If I were you in that situation, that would make me feel pretty frustrated—or I might feel unappreciated.” Using “feeling” words helps someone feel felt. As soon as you do that you’ve crossed over, and at some point in the conversation—and this happens time and time again—the other person leans forward and starts to talk. When that happens, that’s the exhale. This is the point where you can talk.

  9. Check for agreement. If you have something to propose, do so—and then check for agreement. For example, you might say, “How do you feel about this solution?” If the other person is hesitant or unwilling to reach an agreement, ask them, “What changes would you like to see that would make the agreement more acceptable, more fair?”

  These nine recommendations will help you navigate the unpredictable waters of communication. When you’re listening to another person, remember that it’s always useful to ask yourself, “What has to be going on in that person’s world for this to be true for them?” This question not only gives you a shot of empathy for the other person, it also gives you an insight into how they may be feeling.

  The Local Language: How to Communicate According

  to Someone Else’s Preferences

  As you know, our language shows how we construct our thoughts, our inner reality—whether that’s mostly through pictures, words and stories, feelings, or even scents or tastes. In Chapter 6, you learned that the predicates people use, their meta-programs, the way they reference time, and the beliefs they state as fact, reveal what’s true for them. These details provide clues for how to deepen rapport and be persuasive.

  There’s an old saying, “When in Rome, do as the Romans do.” Each of us has preferred modes of speech that reveal our preferred sensory arena. Once you know how someone is processing their experience, you can adapt your language to be more like theirs, right? That gives you a lot of power to connect with them, to have them feel that you are on their side, that you understand them. A funny thing is that when you step this far into someone else’s world, you really do become more simpatico. You genuinely have a deeper understanding of their world—and consequently a greater appreciation for them as a person.

  Let’s explore an example of discovering and using someone’s preferred channel of experience as revealed in the predicates they use.

  ADAPTING TO PREFERRED REPRESENTATIONAL CHANNELS

  Imagine that someone uses a lot of visual language. “It was clear as day to me.” “It was the blackest sky” or “It looked completely wrong.” How could you show them that you’re on the same page?

  If you’re a highly visual person, too, this might be easy. But what if you were kinesthetic; would that feel like more of a stretch? (Remember, as kinesthetic processor you might naturally say, “I’m following you” or “That makes sense to me.”) By shifting from your natural preference into theirs, you could say, “I see what you mean . . . I can imagine that . . .” or “That’s crystal clear to me.” And if you wanted to further explore what they were talking about, you might say, “I’m trying to get a clear picture of what you’re looking for. Please tell me more about what you’d like to see happen. Can you shed some light on that?”

  A salesperson selling a car to this visual person might say, “This car looks like it meets all the criteria on your list. Can’t you just see yourself driving it? Imagine how great it would be to use this car for your summer vacations. I’d love to see a photo of your family in it when you go the Grand Canyon next month.” If he wasn’t getting a favorable response after showing them the car’s features, the salesman could say, “It appears to me like you’re hesitant, that this one’s not exactly what you’re looking for. I can keep an eye out for a car like this in that deep blue color you like . . .”

  Speaking someone’s language makes it easier for them to get the message you’re sending simply because they have less to translate into their preferred channel of processing.

  Discovery Activity:

  Using Predicates of Preferred Channels

  So, how can you learn to speak someone else’s language? Practice. Because making the adjustment may not come naturally to you, think of it as a game. Play with the language rather than be concerned whether it’s right or wrong. Just for fun, read items 1a, 2a, and 3a. Then complete items 1b, 2b, and 3b to produce a short list of conversational phrases that you often hear. For example, after reading the sample visual word, you might write “I see what you mean” or “Feel free to look around” in the space provided in 1b. You can refer to (and add to) these whenever you’re writing or when you want to adapt your language to someone else’s preferred channel.

  1A: LOOK AT THESE SAMPLE VISUAL WORDS

  Descriptors: clear/cloudy, light/dark, colorful/drab, big/little

  Verbs: imagine, envision, see, watch

  Nouns: vision, snapshot, picture, image

  1B: LIST COMMON CONVERSATIONAL VISUAL PHRASES YOU CAN IMAGINE

  2A: LISTEN TO THESE SAMPLE AUDITORY WORDS

  Descriptors: loud/quiet, harmonious, dissonant, clear/flat

  Verbs: whisper/shout, hear/listen, sing, echo

  Nouns: sound/note, noise, tenor/tone, pitch

  2B: LIST COMMON CONVERSATIONAL AUDITORY PHRASES YOU CAN RECALL

  3A: TRY ON THESE SAMPLE KINESTHETIC WORDS

  Descriptors: scary/inviting, chaotic/calm, sad/funny, good/bad

  Verbs: sense/feel, reach/grab, kiss/slap, fly/fall

  Nouns: impact, turnaround, crash, exploration

  3B: LIST COMMON CONVERSATIONAL KINESTHETIC PHRASES YOU FEEL ARE ON TARGET

  For additional demonstrations and/or examples, go to http://eg.nlpco.com/7-1.

  Adapting to Meta-Program Preferences

  Adjusting your communication style can go a long way to creating harmony at work or at home. If someone’s meta-program preferences are different from yours, try on theirs—and demonstrate your increasing flexibility by communicating in theirs. Let’s take an example.

  Imagine that your natural preference is specific and away-from and that your boss, who wants an update on a project you’re working on, is a toward and general-oriented guy. You’ve noticed in the past that when you explain what you’ve been doing and spell out all the details, he kind of glazes over midway through your update. You’d like to avoid getting that reaction—and to feel more comfortable providing him with the information he wants. So, what can you do?

  You could step into his shoes by asking yourself, “What’s important to him about this project and what concerns might he have about it?” In trying to answer this question, you might reflect back to what he told you when you got the project and what
his vision for it was—or even recall questions he’s asked you during other project updates. Once you’ve identified some of your supervisor’s criteria related to this project, you could make a brief outline that enables you to gift-wrap your succinct update in terms of his criteria. Give him the high points and be prepared to provide relevant details if asked.

  Continuing with the scenario, imagine that you need your supervisor’s support to light a fire under another department manager who looks like he won’t deliver his group’s part of the project at the agreed-upon time—which will really put you and your team up against a wall. If your boss is toward and you’re away-from, you’d want to phrase your request accordingly, right?

  You might want to say, “It’s really a burden for my team when Bill’s department drags their feet and makes it hard to meet the deadline. Can you do something?” But it would be more effective to say, “I know that this project is key to the new product launch. It’s so exciting that we’ll be the first in our industry to introduce this innovative tool. Can you help Bill’s group stay focused on the target—so the whole project team can meet its deadline? I want to make sure we enjoy the longest window of opportunity we can.” That’s pretty different, right? Which one do you think would get the boss to encourage Bill’s group to step things up?

  These kinds of adjustments aren’t just helpful at work—you’ll find them helpful in all your relationships. Imagine that you and your significant other want to purchase a house. In this scenario, you’re proactive and toward. You’ve found a house you like and are ready to move forward. Because your mate is more away-from and external you might want to say, “Let’s get going on this right away; this house is really perfect for us. I can see us living there.”

  After stepping into your significant other’s world, you might say instead, “Buying a house is a big decision for us. It seems like there are a lot of things we really like about this place and I don’t think either of us wants to lose it to someone else. I’m wondering what kind of support will help us be more certain about our decision. Didn’t your sister just buy a great house? Maybe she has some ideas, or what about Lee from your book group who used to be a Realtor?” This second approach reflects the significant other’s world and is more likely to get a favorable response than “Let’s do this”—isn’t it?

  Adapting to Time Differences

  If someone you love or work with has a very different relationship to time, this can create some serious conflict. Part of this discord comes from the meaning we attach to these differences. Imagine, for example, that you are someone who’s through time and your best friend is in time. Because of this difference, you often find yourself at a restaurant waiting twenty minutes before he shows up.

  You might interpret their being late any number of ways. “He’s so inconsiderate. He doesn’t really want to spend time with me. I’m never as important as his work.” Any of these things might be true but it’s just as likely that because he’s in time, he gets caught up in the present moment. He actually is unaware of what time it is, or how much time he needs to allot to the process of stopping what he’s doing and getting on the road to meet you on time. He’s only thinking about right now.

  This difference might turn out to be a deal breaker for you; if it’s not, what are some ways you could adapt your behavior and influence his? How could you try on what it’s like to be more in the present moment? What would make you more comfortable during the times you are waiting for him to join you? Could you bring a book or play a game on your phone? If you’re home, could you take that time to talk with a friend on the phone? How could you enjoy the waiting, so you’re not telling yourself a story about why he’s late or feeding the negative emotions that sometimes come up while waiting?

  Perhaps you clearly identify occasions where it’s critical that he’s on time—such as meeting your parents for dinner or leaving for the airport two and a half hours before the flight. Maybe your partner would be open to setting a reminder alarm on his phone fifteen minutes before he needs to leave to meet you. Identifying nonnegotiables and useful tools can help you meet in the middle, because asking an in-time person to be on time all the time could require more prompting than either of you would like.

  Talking About Different Beliefs

  Communicating about beliefs is fascinating, simply because someone else’s can be so different from your own. Asking yourself, “What has to be going on in that person’s world for this to be true for them?” is especially helpful when it comes to differences of opinion—or differences in beliefs.

  As you now know, beliefs are mostly out of a person’s awareness and are stated as fact. Because these ideas shape the person’s view of the world, they are often dearly held—and can become a source of conflict.

  Recently, I had a difference of opinion with a family member, and they were being pretty aggressive with their viewpoint, so I said, “And it could be something else. I’m just curious to know if you ever considered these possibilities.” What I said might have, but didn’t, make things better.

  As things got hotter and hotter, I finally said, “You know, I bet you feel like I’m attacking you, and I’m getting the feeling you’re attacking me. I don’t want to attack you and I bet you don’t want to attack me. I think we’re reacting, not from our hearts now, but from our fears. Could we restart this conversation and get on the same side and just share what we feel and what we think?”

  And he responded with “Oh yeah, sure, you’re right. This is getting to be too much of a pain in the neck.” He was really relieved when I suggested this, and it paid off for both of us. (In Chapter 8, you’ll learn more ways to manage conflict.)

  As a reminder, the first two rules of the road are critical when there’s friction: don’t interrupt, and don’t contradict. I confess that, in the past, when I felt criticized, I’d contradict or get defensive. I felt compelled to stand up for myself—or to immediately give the other person solutions for their problem. I learned the hard way that having all the answers may earn someone a gold star in grade school, but in adult conversation, it’s not appreciated.

  What is appreciated most often is to let the other person vent. Until they’ve completely vented, they don’t want you to talk. Once they seem to wind down, say, “Tell me more.” That’s the magic phrase.

  In my personal and professional life, when I say either “Can you say more about that?” or “Tell me more,” the person I’m talking with is usually responsive. Phrasing my requests this way brings me a lot more information, allows the person to settle down inside themselves, and sometimes reveals what it is they’re thinking or what it is they’re wrestling with. To really understand what’s going on with the other person, continue to invite the other person to tell you more until they feel completely heard.

  A New View:

  How the Process of Reframing Expands Possibilities

  When you’re talking with someone who is experiencing some kind of difficulty, you can hear it in their language and use a beautiful strategy called “Reframing.” Simply put, reframing is looking at a statement someone has made—then finding a more positive way to say it.

  For example, if someone says, “I just can’t get out of my own way today,” you could say, “Oh, you can’t get out of your own way today? What would it be like if you could?” Then their attention diverts to if they could, because questions are a very effective way of directing someone’s thinking (including yours).

  Have they tripped themselves up physically? Are they dropping papers all over the floor? Is their mind hard to focus? Have they said things they wish they hadn’t? There are so many missing details. As you may recall from Chapter 6’s discussion of the Meta Model, this is a place where you want to get more information.

  Imagine that you do get some additional information and the person says, “Well, I just feel kind of down today. I don’t feel like anything I do is going to work out well.”

  Then I might say something like, “Wow. W
hen I have a feeling like that, I’m just wondering if there’s something in there I should listen to.” Now I’ve reframed it from just a down, defeated feeling to “Oh, maybe there’s an interesting hint or an intuition in there. I should search for it,” rather than to just say, “There, there—just ignore that. Just try to forget about it.”

  It’s important to really listen and consider what somebody says. If they said, “I’m so sick of driving this beat-up old car,” I might say, “I know—and I think you were really smart to keep driving that car instead of putting money into a new one while you’re going to school.”

  There are ways of shifting what the person says—by changing the context or meaning they’ve made—so there’s a new possibility that makes sense. Either way, what you want to do is just offer a different perspective on what they said—because we need to loosen things up a little.

  I recommend being modest in your ambitions with these shifts. Expecting people to turn on a dime isn’t really reasonable or practical. If you can just loosen things up a little when someone has a stiff set of beliefs—or if the beliefs are in their way or are an obstacle between the two of you—you’re offering them more choices.

  Sometimes just asking a question creates a desired change. Perhaps you can help people to loosen up a bad mood by inviting them to consider how they’d feel if they were in a better mood—by asking them what might need to take place for them to be in a better mood—or by inquiring what sort of shift in their thinking would result in a better mood.

  Okay, so what has all of this got to do with persuading people?

  When you make people feel better by genuinely getting in harmony with them and attending to their feelings—so it’s about them and not you—guess what happens? They feel more comfortable with you, which makes them more receptive to you and what you have to say. According to Robert Cialdini, the author of Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion, these individuals will want to return the favor at some point simply because humans have an instinct for reciprocity.