I Lost My Girlish Laughter
Page 8
S. B. turns over the pages carelessly but his eyes are wandering doorwards. For some curious reason there are a prodigious number of nurses strutting by in eccentric attitudes. Some of them remind you of Garbo or maybe it’s Crawford. However, it must be legitimate because most of them are carrying babies, hypos or bedpans. It is all a little distracting, particularly to Mr. Brand.
“No…I don’t like ’em,” says Mr. Brand.
“I think they’re honeys,” enthuses Skinner.
“Keep it clean,” says Mr. Brand. “I’m talking about the sketches….Look, Eric, she’s too dressed up for this sequence. I can’t draw a line. I admit it. But I’ve seen pictures before and you can’t tell me that a dame in the jungle is going to wear a Chanel creation….”
“But Mr. Brand, this is exotic…this is exciting. You know perfectly well that illusion can be preserved only by covering the form.” Here Eric makes a few passes down his own divine form.
“It all comes down to this, Eric. I want every woman in the audience to itch to be in the jungle with nothing on like Tarn and I want every man to get hot.”
“In other words, Eric,” breaks in Jim, “Mr. Brand wants you to raise a wholesale libido!”
“That’s a swell word, Jim, libido. That’s just what I mean. That’s just what I want. It’s up to you to give it to me. You’ll have plenty of time in the American sequence to do a Schiaparelli.”
“But there are fashions even in the jungle, Mr. Brand. A woman is a woman no matter what or where…”
“Okay, Eric, just so long as you keep everyone conscious of the fact that she is a woman I’ll be satisfied. But to hell with illusions.”
Eric appears injured.
“But, Mr. Brand…” he starts.
“Good-bye, Eric,” says the boss. “Madge, telephone the doctor and see how Mrs. Brand is.”
Eric shrugs his shoulders eloquently but gathers up his sketches and departs. I am at the phone learning that all is quiet on the maternal front.
“All right, Rawley, what have you got?”
Rawley spreads his layouts over the bed.
“Here’s the jungle set. It’s going to run a little over budget but you told me to go to town….”
“What do you mean by a little bit, Rawley?”
“Well, you see, boss, a good deal depends on where we go for location.”
“Say, Monk, haven’t you picked out a location yet?”
“I was in the projection room all day yesterday looking over some film the boys brought back and I would say that Ensenada’s the best bet.”
“But, Monk, it’ll cost a fortune down there.”
“Yeah, but it’ll be worth it. It’s just what we want.”
“But, Mr. Faye,” says Roy, “you remember you said last night that Catalina would be fine. You know, over by the Isthmus.”
“Well, why not, Monk? Certainly it would be cheaper.”
“It’s all the same to me but I like the fishing better at Ensenada,” says Faye.
“That’s just dandy, but we’re not selling fish. We’re selling motion pictures. Roy, you see the production office and make arrangements. In the meantime when I get back to the studio, I’ll look at the film and let you know whether to go ahead on the Catalina location. Rawley, I’ll okay these sketches if we go to Catalina but you had better make some additional layouts and cut costs in case we have to go to Ensenada—for Monk’s fishing.”
Props have pushed forward now, all decked in wigs and head-dresses and spears.
“What the hell is all this?” asks the boss.
“We want to get your okay. It’s costing money to keep the stuff at the studio while we’re waiting for it.”
Mr. Brand looks over props casually.
“It looks okay to me. Okay.”
“How long do you think you’ll be tied up here, boss?” asks Roy.
The boss is suddenly metamorphosed into a father and sighs heavily.
“You cannot tell about these things, Roy, and I ought to stay around for Selma’s sake at such a time.”
“Well, do you want me to stick around?” asks Roy.
“Thanks, Roy, but you’d better get back to the studio. I’ll keep Tussler, Skinner and Monk here. Maybe we can get some script. It’s nice and quiet here. Hey, Roy, get the name of that nurse who just passed by. She looks good to me. Maybe we’ll test her.”
“Okay, Chief,” and the stooge bounds off followed by Rawley and props.
“Well, Skinner, how goes the script?”
“We’ve broken down the story line and are all set to go into dialogue.”
“That’s just fine,” says Mr. Brand with heavy sarcasm. “You’ve got a story line and I’ve got my cameras all ready to shoot. What the hell are they going to shoot—a story line? I want dialogue. Is that too much to ask?”
“Now listen…” breaks in Skinner.
“Excuse me, please. Jim, have you written the announcements for the baby yet?”
“No…but I’ve got a rough idea of what might do,” says Jim drily.
“Okay. While we’re talking story you scribble some stuff and leave a blank space for the sex of the child.”
“What—is there any doubt about it?” asks Jim innocently.
Mr. Brand ignores him.
“Listen, Skinner, I know I’m rushing you and you haven’t had much time but they rush me all the time every day of the week. But I get my work done. Why can’t you?”
“Well, look, boss. If you’d given me an experienced collaborator I would have had something. But I’m like a prep school for this guy. Not only do I have to write the story but I have to be a teacher. He wants art and I want an Academy winner and you can’t mix oil and water.”
“Look, Tussler,” Mr. Brand pleads. “We’re in this business to make money. You’ve got to stop being an intellectual and we’ll show you how to write motion pictures.”
“If it’s all the same to you…” starts Mr. Tussler. He is looking very fierce.
“Madge, check about the baby,” breaks in Mr. Brand.
I am glad for the interruption, as I have been experiencing some difficulty keeping a straight face because of Jim who is hunched over in his chair like the statue of the Thinker with wrinkled brows, sucking a pencil, and apparently drawing upon all his genius to think up something brilliant to say about Mr. Brand’s baby.
“How about this, Mr. Brand…” he says. “A blank was born to Mrs. Selma Brand, wife of the eminent producer, Sidney Brand of Super Films. Mother and child are reported resting nicely at the Vista Memorial Hospital in Hollywood. Though in the midst of an important production, Sinners in Asylum, which will launch Sarya Tarn, the new foreign import, Mr. Brand has taken a suite at the hospital to be with his little family….”
Jim delivers this straight. Mr. Brand nods his head approvingly. “But, Jim,” he says, “couldn’t you get a little more human interest in there? Maybe about the weight of the baby and things like that. People like to read homey items. It gives Hollywood a good name, too.”
“Sure I can but we’d better wait until we know exactly what happens. It might be twins. Think of the human interest you can get out of twins.”
“God forbid,” says Mr. Brand feelingly. “Madge, maybe you’d better check again!”
I check but there is neither a sign of a twin or even a half a twin and the nurse says it looks as though we have a long wait ahead of us.
“All right,” says Mr. Brand. “We can go to work now without interruptions. Madge, telephone the desk and tell them to hold all calls and make a record of them. Put a ‘Do not disturb’ sign on the door. I’ve got a script to write.”
I do all these things and we go into conference.
Three hours and severa
l headaches later we are arguing about the relative merits of New England or the South for the American sequences. Mr. Brand holds out for New England. Social prejudices, he argues, are stronger in New England and will allow us more dramatic leeway when Tarn arrives from the jungle to meet her lover’s family.
Mr. Skinner stands firm on the South. We all know, he says, how the South feels about Negroes.
“We made her Spanish,” reminds the boss.
Mr. Tussler buries his head in his arms. He doesn’t realize how vital a matter this is to decide, for it will determine whether Mr. Gable is to be the scion of a proud New England family or a charming renegade of the South.
It has become so heated that Mr. Skinner is minus his coat and Mr. Brand minus his pajama top exposing a manly and hairy expanse of chest from which my girlish eyes turn in proper confusion. Jim is either sleeping or making a good play at it, for he is making some very noxious sounds.
When the phone rings it comes like a bombshell.
I answer. It is Bud.
“Gee, I had a terrible time getting through to you people. I’ve been trying to get you for ten minutes. I finally told them the studio was on fire and here I am. I want to be the first person to congratulate the boss.”
“Why,” I say, “because the studio is on fire?”
“No. That’s a gag. It’s a boy. Congratulations!”
“What?” I inquire. “Are you crazy? Did you find the key to the bar or something?”
“Listen. I’m as sober as Brand’s kid. This is on the level. It’s a boy!”
I turn away from the phone a trifle dazed.
“It’s Bud, Mr. Brand. He wants to congratulate you on the birth of a son!”
“What?” S. B. shoots up in his bed. “What goes on here?”
I turn back to the phone.
“How do you know, Bud,” I ask.
“I’ve been keeping a wire open to the hospital and the kid has just been born. It’s all over the studio by now!”
“Check that report!” bellows Mr. Brand.
I press down the key and as I try to get Mrs. Brand’s room, Doctor X walks in rubbing his hands.
“Well, Sidney, it’s a boy…someone to carry on the Brand name.”
“What the hell!” explodes the boss. “Here I spend the day in the hospital and neglect my duties just to be near my wife and the studio has to tell me I’m a father. Jim! What am I paying you $250 a week for? I suppose just so that you can be scooped by a $15 a week office boy!”
Jim comes up out of his torpor.
Automatically he intones, “A blank was born…”
“It’s a boy!” yells Sidney.
Love,
Maggie
7
We Can’t Get Gable
STELLA CARSONS’S COLUMN
December 5
The big plum of the year for a male star is again ripe for the plucking. I have just talked to Sidney Brand and it seems that Clark Gable is not available for the lead in Sinners in Asylum opposite Sarya Tarn. The whole colony will mourn with Sidney at this loss as everyone agrees that Gable is so perfect for the role. Our heart-felt sympathy to Sarya Tarn, too. After all, the American fans don’t know her and it would have been such a help to play with Clark.
SUPER FILMS
Hollywood, California
Mr. John Blank,
Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios,
Culver City, California.
Dear John:
Since our telephone conversation I have been thinking hard about the Gable situation. I had my heart set on him and although I recognize that sometimes certain things are impossible, you gave me your word of honor that I could have him. I don’t like the idea of playing on our friendship, but you know that if you were on a spot and asked me to help you out I would do it like that!
I can’t tell you how much I counted on Gable and I am looking forward to hearing from you that the schedules can be arranged to make him available for me.
I have in my projection room a test of a girl made in New York. She’s the most exciting star possibility I’ve seen and to show you my heart’s in the right place, you can see this test and if you like her, we can talk about sharing her contract.
Let me know at your earliest convenience about Gable.
Cordially yours,
Sidney
SUPER FILMS
INTER-OFFICE COMMUNICATION
To: George Beck Subject: Gable
From: Sidney Brand Date: December 5
We’re being double-crossed about Gable. I want you to get on the phone right away and speak to Blank at MGM. I can’t tell you how sore this has made me. Do they owe us anything so that we can make them come across with Gable? This is important, so drop everything else and report to me as soon as you get an idea on this or get word from MGM. Don’t give up without a struggle.
SB
SUPER FILMS
INTER-OFFICE COMMUNICATION
To: James Palmer Subject: Gable
From: Madge Lawrence Date: December 5
Dear Jim:
The boss asked me to dash off a little note to you. Tell Palmer he says things are not so black as they look. That translated means that the charge is still on; the enemy stands firm; but the boss has reason to suppose the morale of the troops can be weakened by sheer bull force. To put it more simply, S. B. and MGM are tossing each other cooing little billets-doux and carelessly bandying around honeyed phrases. However, methinks I detect between the lines the glitter of steel; the sharpening of javelins. It’s a toss-up who will win. Your guess is as good as anybody’s. I wonder what Gable thinks, or does it matter?
Furthermore, Carsons is in our hair again and you are elected a committee of one to wrestle with the lady and persuade her to lay off Tarn. That’s the third crack she’s made in a week. The boss thinks it isn’t cricket. Maybe a few Christian tracts will help. However, if all polite methods fail, you might turn on a little of that fabled charm of yours which I have heard rumored you use with such devastating success.
Maggie
METRO-GOLDWYN-MAYER STUDIOS
Culver City, Calif.
December 8
Mr. Sidney Brand,
Super Films,
Hollywood, Calif.
Dear Sidney:
This will acknowledge your letter of December 5th regarding Gable. If it was in my power, you’d have him but remember we have to make pictures too and Gable is scheduled to do three. If there is anyone else you’d like, let me know and I’ll see if we can’t wangle it.
On the basis of your friendship I ask one thing. Call off your Legal Department. I would rather do business with Al Capone.
I’ll be waiting to hear from you further.
Cordially,
John Blank
SUPER FILMS
Hollywood, California
December 9
Mr. John Blank,
Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios,
Culver City, Calif.
Dear John:
I am not only disappointed, I am hurt. I can’t believe that you would let me down the way you have. Last night I was talking over my problem with Selma and it is her distinct recollection that you committed Gable to me. So I have a witness.
I cannot tell you how much I need Gable. It is so important that I am willing to loan you Monk Faye.
Let me hear from you.
Sincerely,
Sidney Brand
FRANCES SMITH DECEMBER 9
SUPER FILMS
NEW YORK CITY
PROSPECTS OF GABLE STILL ALIVE STOP HOWEVER DONT TRUST THOSE GUYS TO DO THE RIGHT THING STOP WOULD LIKE LIN
E UP POSSIBLE SUBSTITUTE STOP SUGGEST YOU TEST ALL AVAILABLE YOUNG LEADING MEN IN NEW YORK IN SCENE FROM PLAY PREFERABLY LOVE SCENE STOP RUSH TESTS AIRMAIL SPECIAL STOP YOU HAVE CARTE BLANCHE STOP ADVISE IMMEDIATELY IF ANY POSSIBILITY BECOMES REALLY EXCITING STOP REGARDS
SIDNEY
SUPER FILMS
INTER-OFFICE COMMUNICATION
To: Jerry Freed Subject: Sinners
From: Sidney Brand Date: December 9
I have wired New York to test all possible players as substitute for Gable. In the meantime would like a list of suggestions from you. Cooper, Colman, Marshall, McCrea definitely not available. Would like your list immediately. This is important!
SB
METRO-GOLDWYN-MAYER STUDIOS
Culver City, Calif.
December 11
Mr. Sidney Brand,
Super Films,
Hollywood, California.
Dear Sidney:
We have directors on our lot but we have only one Gable and I am sorry to advise you definitely he is not available for you at this time.
Regardless of what Selma remembers I never told you that you could have Gable. Sure we talked about him but there’s a helluva lot of difference between talking about it and promising. I’m surprised at you, Sidney.
How’s the little baby?
Very truly yours,
John
SUPER FILMS
INTER-OFFICE COMMUNICATION
To: Madge Lawrence Subject: The Girls
From: James Palmer Date: December 11
Dear Maggie:
Took strong measures with Carsons and she went down before the onslaught like so many ninepins. From now on she and Sarya are just like that! See if you can scoff that one off, you scoffer!
Bring on your ogres and I will slay them. But when do I get my reward?