THAT NIGHT I cried for the first time since before Will’s funeral. I’d been so strong through Will’s death, then the miscarriage, and even with Sara. I’d kept a stiff upper lip as I suffered through my arrangement with Gene Blanchard and then his beating. I’d even been strong when I learned I’d be bringing another child into this world; this one with no father, and doomed to be called a bastard. But this was too much.
Caroline and Olivia sat down with Catherine shortly after her return and shared their plans. She’d struggled with the decision until she heard Troy Snyder was going with them. That’s all the information she needed. She’d been pulled between her older siblings and the younger ones, unsure of what to do; but knowing she might lose Troy was more than she could take. She didn’t know what her future with him might be, but she loved him enough not to let him leave without her.
I had lost, and the knowledge that my family was being torn apart was too much to bear. I sobbed long into the night. I was tired of being strong. I promised myself I’d take this one last moment to grieve; then I’d wake up tomorrow, and greet the day with courage.
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
ON FEBRUARY 25, 1934, MY FAMILY MOVED TO California and left us behind. I’m still not sure how they got everybody in one truck, but they did. Joseph and Daniel sold their own for extra cash, and everyone packed into the back of Olivia and Jefferson’s. Eight adults and four children, along with what provisions they could take with them. It seemed impossible, but they made room. Until the very last minute, I wondered whether I could go with them; but I knew better. I’d have to sell our truck just for the cash, and then there’d be nowhere for us to ride. Then there was the fact I was pregnant. I hadn’t told anyone yet; I didn’t know how. Their leaving made it easy to keep the secret just a while longer. So I watched them load the truck and prepare to move west.
As they were about to leave, Joseph came over and took both of my hands into his own. Bringing them to his lips, he kissed my knuckles. “Thank you, Mama. For everything. You’re the best thing that ever happened to our daddy. You’ve been a good mother to all of us.”
My eyes widened at his words. “Joseph! You’ve never called me that before. You know I’m not your mother. You’re old enough to remember your own mother.”
He nodded. “I do. And she was a wonderful mother. And so are you. You’re our mother in every way that counts. Daniel and me were only twelve when ya married Daddy. We needed a mother, and ya filled that role—for all of us. You’ve loved us, and treated us like your own; even after ya had the little ones. You never made any of us feel like ‘us versus them.’ That couldn’t’ve been easy. Even after Daddy died, ya still took care of us. I love you. We all do.”
Tears misted my eyes. “Thank you.”
“He’s right.” Catherine stepped from behind me and weaved an arm through mine. “I don’t really remember my own mama much, but I remember you. I remember ya sitting up with me when I was sick, and kissin’ my bruises when I got hurt. I called you Victoria because that’s what you and Daddy asked. But, in my heart, you’ve been my mama for a long time.”
“In all of our hearts,” Caroline said, joining us with Olivia from my other side. “You’ve been our best friend, our sister, and our mother, all wrapped into one. We’ve shared our secrets and our dreams with you.”
Standing next to Joseph, Daniel chimed in. “They said it all—better that I could’ve. I love you. We all do.”
I thought I was too stubborn to cry, but even stubbornness has its limits. The tears fell, and my heart beat so hard I thought it might jump from my chest. “I don’t know what I’m gonna do without y’all.”
“We’ll write when we get there, and send ya the address when we settle down. We’ll try to put aside any extra money we get and send it back here to help with the babies,” Daniel said.
“Don’t you dare! You’ve done enough. You’ve worked my share of the farm since your daddy died. I can’t ask more of ya.”
“We want to,” said Joseph. “Daniel and me don’t have families yet. Let us do this just to get ya through until times get better. We’ll let ya know when we get settled. Then we’ll send money back when we can. Might not be much, but it’ll be our way of payin’ ya back. Maybe someday, when times are better, you can come visit us. Or even move out there with us.”
“Someday, maybe.”
One by one, each of Will’s children pulled me into their tight embraces and said their goodbyes. I hugged them, then the grandbabies, and finally John and Jefferson Janicek. When I got to Troy Snyder, I stopped him for a private word.
“The girls tell me you’re plannin’ on marryin’ Catherine,” I said.
“I am.” He nodded. “If she’ll have me, that is.”
“Have ya asked her?”
Troy stared at his feet, his hat in his hands and his shoulders low in defeat. “Not yet. I don’t have nothin’ to my name right now, but I will. Soon.”
Reaching out, I squeezed Troy’s elbow gently. “Don’t wait. Times’re hard. Too much hardship and too much death. Find happiness while ya can. Ya just don’t know what tomorrow’s gonna bring. I don’t want ya lookin’ back and askin’ yourself how things might’ve been different.”
Lifting his head, Troy’s eyes brightened and he smiled. “I’ll think on that. Thank you.”
“Take care of my girl. Be good to her and treat her right. Don’t you ever lay a hand on her in anger. D’ya understand?”
“Yes, ma’am.” He grinned.
“Good.” I nodded once and pulled him into my arms for a hug. “Now go. Make her happy.”
Troy stepped away and jumped into the bed of the truck, joining the rest of those leaving who were now packed in tightly and ready to go.
I stood there on the side of the road with Grace, Jack, and Ethan, as the truck drove down the dirt path to the main road. Reaching the road, it took a right turn and headed off toward the highway. I lifted my hand in one last wave of goodbye, but I’m not sure they saw me.
Gracie and Jack sobbed their little hearts out, but Ethan didn’t quite understand. He didn’t know this might be the last time he’d see his siblings.
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
THE HOUSE WAS QUIET WITHOUT CATHERINE and the twins. Though Joseph and Daniel hadn’t lived with us for some time, they’d been a constant presence. Those two boys had stood between us and starvation more times than I could count. Their absence echoed through my whole body. They might as well have been dead for how far away they’d gone. I didn’t know when—or even if—I’d ever see or hear from them again.
Gene Blanchard turned out to be a liar. He’d promised me three more months on the loan but, at the end of March, some men from the bank took our truck. It was our only transportation, and now it was gone.
Without the twins, and now unable to get groceries from town, the children grew hungry again. Where we’d once counted on wild game to see us through, it had been several days since we’d seen hide nor hair of anything we could eat. I had to do something. I hated it, but I needed to reach out for help.
Leaving Gracie charged with Jack and Ethan’s care, I set out to see Julianne and Earl. I hated leaving the children home alone, but I didn’t see any choice. They’d had so little to eat that they were losing the natural energy of children. Grace was almost nine; and, between her and Jack, who was now seven, I hoped they’d be okay with Ethan.
As I approached the Sykes’s house, I was greeted by the zealous enthusiasm of their dogs. Mutt had passed several years earlier, and he’d been replaced with three large mix-breeds from a litter of strays someone had dumped off near the house. I had no patience for them. With that much energy, they must be eating better than we were, and the idea infuriated me.
Hearing the dogs’ overzealous welcome, Julianne stepped out of the house. I hadn’t seen her since the last time I’d dropped Ethan off, the day I’d told Gene about the baby. Truthfully, I’d deliberately avoided her. My condition was becoming noticeabl
e, and I didn’t have the words to explain it to her.
“Victoria!” Her eyes widened in surprise as she met me in the drive. “How are ya?”
“Not so good. Can we talk?”
“Of course. Come into the house.”
Sitting at the kitchen table, as we had so many times before, I wasn’t sure where to start. My mind was jumbled with all the things I needed to say, but I couldn’t find the words. I needed help, and I didn’t know how to ask for it. If it wasn’t for the children, I’d rip my own tongue out before asking for charity from others.
Julianne studied me, her brows narrowed in concern. “Are ya okay?”
“No.” I shook my head. “No, I’m really not.”
“Okay.” She nodded, all business now. “Tell me the trouble, and I’ll see what I can do.”
“I need to borrow the truck. The bank came to get mine, and I need to go into El Reno to see Father Caleb.”
“Oh gosh, Victoria! I’m really sorry! Of course ya can borrow the truck. I just need to clear it with Earl, but I’m sure he won’t mind. You’re family.”
“Thank you.”
A long silence followed, both of us wondering what we should say and what should be left unsaid. Julianne reached for my hands and gave them a gentle squeeze. “How’re the children?”
I didn’t want to answer this question, but I had to. If the children were going to eat, then I had to swallow the last of my pride.
“They’re hungry,” I said, my eyes meeting hers. “They’ve not eaten much at all in two days. We just don’t have anything.”
“Oh, God, Victoria! Why didn’t ya say somethin’? We don’t have much, but I can’t watch those babies go hungry! Why didn’t ya come to us?”
“Too much pride, I guess.” I shrugged. “I’m embarrassed. But if this goes on much longer, I don’t know what I’m gonna do. The children are hungry. My loan is overdue, and I don’t know how much longer I have before the bank forces us out.”
Julianne didn’t speak for a long moment. I’m sure she didn’t know what to say, or even how to respond. Times were tough on all of us.
“When was the last time ya ate?”
I couldn’t meet Julianne’s eyes, so I studied a dark spot on the wall behind her head. “I’m not here about me.”
“That’s not what I asked, and that’s not an answer. When was the last time ya ate?”
I swallowed hard, refusing to answer.
“Look at me, Victoria. I asked ya a question and I want an answer.”
My eyes met hers and the pity reflected back at me was almost too much. But I had no choice—she wouldn’t stop asking until she had an answer. “Breakfast. Yesterday.”
“Victoria!” Getting up from the table, Julianne found a loaf of bread and some butter. “I don’t have much, but this is better than nothin’.” She buttered two slices of bread and handed them to me.
Swallowing my pride was hard, but I was hungry. I took the plate from her hands. “Thank you.”
“I have some potatoes you can take back for the children. That should see ya through ’til tomorrow, at least. It’s not much, but it’s all we have right now.”
“Thank you,” I whispered.
“Don’t you thank me! You’d do the exact same thing for us. And I’m furious at ya right now for not tellin’ me sooner.”
I dipped my head in shame, and silence descended upon us. I thought hard before I said my next words. “There’s more … somethin’ else I need to tell ya, and I don’t know how.”
“Go on,” she said. “I can’t think of anything worse than y’all starvin’ to death.”
I closed my eyes and pulled in a breath. “I’m expectin’.”
“What? How?” Julianne’s eyebrows drew together in confusion. “How is that even possible?”
I looked away, unable to make eye contact. “I really don’t wanna say, Julianne. Please don’t make me.”
“I think you’d better,” she replied. “It’s not like this is somethin’ ya can keep secret for very long. How far along are ya?”
“Five months, give or take a few weeks.”
“Victoria! What were ya thinkin’? Who’s the father? Why am I just hearin’ this? When will ya marry?”
“We won’t. It was a mistake.”
Julianne’s eyes widened. “But ya have to marry him! Does he know? Surely this man doesn’t want his child brought into the world without a father.”
“He knows, and it doesn’t matter. It was somethin’ I did to feed the children and gain some time on the loan. It’s ended now.”
“What d’ya mean it’s somethin’ you did to feed …” Understanding washed over Julianne, and her eyebrows lifted nearly to her hairline. “Oh, Victoria! Tell me ya didn’t! Were ya that desperate?”
Anger consumed me, erasing the shame. My eyes met hers and I refused to allow them to waiver. “Yes, I was. And yes, I did. I’m not happy about it, but I do it again if it kept food in my babies’ bellies. And you would, too! Don’tcha dare sit there and tell me ya wouldn’t! My babies are damn-near starvin’, and I couldn’t sit back and do nothin’. And now that it’s all over, it’s only gonna get worse. At this rate, they’ll die if I don’t do somethin’. So don’tcha dare judge me!”
Julianne sat back, her bottom lip pulled between her teeth, a sheen of tears glossing her eyes. “No,” she whispered. “You’re right. I’d do anything to keep my babies safe.”
I didn’t respond. There was nothing I could say. So we sat for long moments, each of us absorbed in our own thoughts, before Julianne broke the silence.
“What’re ya gonna do?” she asked. “About the baby, I mean.”
I shrugged. “What can I do? I guess I’ll just do what I always do: just keep on keepin’ on.”
“And Mama and Daddy? What’ll ya tell ’em?”
My shoulders dropped. “I have no idea, but I need to do it soon. That’s why I need the truck. I need them to hear it from me before word gets out. My hope is I can make ’em understand, and they’ll let us stay with ’em for a spell until I get on my feet. I don’t know how much longer I have before the bank takes the house and farm.”
“What can we do to help?”
“Nothin’. You’re doin’ enough. Loan me the truck tomorrow, if you can, and I’ll take those potatoes ya offered. That’s more than I can or should ask.”
“What’ll you do with the children when you’re in town?” she asked.
I shrugged. “I guess I’ll leave ’em at the house. I don’t want ’em in the middle of all that’s fixin’ to fly around.”
“I’ll keep ’em ‘til you get back. I’ll bring the truck to ya tomorrow, and then you bring me and the children back here before ya head to El Reno. I’ll keep ’em for a few hours, then we can plan the next step.”
My eyes met Julianne’s, and I was struck by the warmth and love they held. “Thank you. I don’t know what I’d do without ya. Truly.”
“Well, you’re never gonna have a chance to find out.” Julianne smiled. “You’re my sister, and there’s nothin’ I wouldn’t do for ya.”
“And I, you,” I said in response.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
SHORTLY AFTER NINE THE NEXT MORNING, Julianne showed up with the truck. We loaded the children in the back with Julianne’s two, then I dropped them all back off at her house. While they were excited to play with their cousins, my stomach was in knots at the conversation I would soon have.
The five miles into town sped by much too quickly. For the first time in years, I longed for the slow transportation of the horse and wagon we’d once used. It was much less efficient, but efficiency wasn’t what I needed today. I needed more courage than I’d ever possessed. I didn’t know how Mother Elizabeth and Father Caleb would take my news, but I prayed like I never had before. By all rights, they’d cast me off. My pregnancy would reflect as badly upon them as it would upon me. I prayed they’d take mercy on me for the sake of the children.
; As I pulled into their drive, I remembered the first time I’d ever arrived at this house. It was so long ago. Twenty years since I’d come banging on this door asking for help the first time. Some things never change.
I’d barely stepped one foot out of the truck when Father Caleb greeted me from the front door. He clearly recognized I was driving Julianne and Earl’s truck, and I could see from his expression that my presence alarmed him. Coming toward me, he pulled me into his strong embrace.
“Tell me what’s wrong, Victoria. Why are you drivin’ Earl’s truck? Where’s your own?” he asked.
“Is Mother Elizabeth home?” I asked, pulling out of his embrace.
“She’s in the house. Are ya okay?”
I nodded. “I’m fine, but I need to talk to you—I need to talk to both of y’all.”
“Come in then.”
Father Caleb held the door open for me, and I stepped inside. Mother Elizabeth was in the kitchen, her back turned to me while she ironed a tablecloth. I studied her a moment, frantically trying to find the right words to say, but there weren’t any. There were just words and more words. All of them were likely to cause issues.
“Liz,” Father Caleb said. “Victoria’s here.”
Turning to face me, Mother Elizabeth’s face lit up in a smile. “Victoria! What a surprise!” she said, setting the iron down. “Where are the children?”
Stepping toward her, I met her distance as she pulled me into her familiar arms. “Julianne has ’em. I needed to talk to y’all, and I didn’t want them underfoot.”
Releasing me, Mother Elizabeth stepped back and studied me. “What’s wrong?”
“Can’t I come see ya without something bein’ wrong?” I smiled, but I’m sure she could tell it was fake.
“Of course ya can, but I can see that’s not the case this time. Come sit at the table. I just made some iced tea. Would ya like some?”
“Please,” I replied.
Taking a seat at the table with Father Caleb, we waited while Mother Elizabeth poured us each a glass of tea. Finally taking a seat herself, she reached across the table and took my hands into her own.
The Edge of Nowhere Page 18