Never Enough

by Alexandra Caluen

  “Yeah, we’re having fun.” It was true, and thank God for that. If the shoot hadn’t been fun, being without Andy would have been infuriating.

  “This is the silliest thing ever.”

  “Hey, you wrote it.” Victor shook his head, smiling. He and his co-stars had written the treatment, not the full screenplay. Andy leaned in to kiss him again. “We’re rehearsing my thing day after tomorrow, shooting day after that, according to the email I got. I get the idea they don’t know I actually know how to drive a boat.”

  “Well, it’s not on your resumé.”

  “Jeez, maybe it should be. I might consider doing something if I got to be out on the water. Wait, what am I saying, three days from now I’m going to be all, never again.” Victor was laughing. “Speaking of boats, though, I’m taking the parents down to Key West when I go out there. It might be Pop’s last chance. He sounded like shit on the phone. He’s had another mini stroke.”

  “Oh, hell.” Victor had been hoping the elder Mr. Martin might make it a little longer. “I’m sorry, honey.”

  “Yeah, me too. On the plus side, we’re all saying things we’ve been needing to say, and he’s probably not going to end up like his dad in a nursing home forever.” Andy almost added ‘and we’ll be able to do our things,’ but it sounded really wrong in his head. He hated that he was going to lose his father. He also would have hated having to cancel or postpone –

  again – doing things with Victor. They were never going to have enough time to do everything they wanted to do.

  Victor might have read his mind. He brushed his knuckles over that mind-blowing beard. “I’m so glad you’re here. We’re on our own for dinner tonight. Jonathan asked if you might want to get together with him and Loretta before you go to Miami.”

  “Love to.” Andy leaned in for one more kiss. “I should take Molly for a walk. You want to order for us?” He sat up.

  “I’ll do that. Hey.”

  “What?”

  “I love you.”

  Andy smiled. “I love you too.” He swung his legs off the bed and went to get ready to take Molly out. They returned to the room before dinner arrived. After they ate, Andy handed his phone over to Victor. “Rory had a little confession moment while I was over there. It seems she had a crush on me back in the day. Took some pictures.”

  “When was this?”

  “Twelve years ago.”

  “I don’t know if I can take you at forty. You’re killing me right here and now.” Victor opened up the photos and scrolled through them slowly. “Yeah.

  Wow. No wonder.”

  “No wonder what?”

  “No wonder she had a crush on you. Why didn’t everybody?”

  “That has always been my question for the universe.” When he got the phone back, Andy looked at the pictures the bartender took downstairs, laughed his ass off, and sent one to Dana and Rory. Their replies made him laugh all over again. Then Victor took the phone away, read the texts, made some threats, and took him back to bed.

  During a break in rehearsal the next day, Andy got his phone out for a couple of selfies on the boat. He sent one to his agent Raquel without comment. If anyone had asked him why, he would not have known, or maybe admitted to what he knew. Then he put the phone away and got back to work.

  On the return trip to the hotel he was checking messages when a reply text came in: I fucking hate you

  LOL what

  Do you have ANY IDEA how many things have come in that I would have loved to send you?

  No and don’t care I have personal shit going on Okay yes I know. So why did you send me this Old Spice Sex Machine picture?

  Andy almost dropped the phone, he was laughing so hard. Victor took it out of his hand and read the exchange. “That’s a pretty good description.

  Why did you send it?”

  “Well.” Andy took a moment to compose himself and his thoughts.

  “Because of what’s happening with Pop. Because I thought maybe it was stupid to slam that door when I’m still young. Or at least not incontinently old.”

  Thank you Jesus, thought Victor. “Anyone who can fuck like you is not any kind of old.” They both heard a snort from the security guy in the front passenger seat. “Are you going to tell her you might consider something for around the time I start my thing next year?”

  “Do you think I should?” Victor gave him a look. Andy shrugged.

  “Maybe if it was filming in England too. Because I don’t want to be on the opposite side of the planet from you. Like, ever.”

  “I don’t want that either. Tell her.” He handed the phone back to Andy.

  Andy read the exchange again, starting with the selfie. It really was pretty good. And not every part would be as boring as what he’d done on

  ‘Vice,’ or as stressful as what he’d done for Tanith. After close to a year of doing exactly and only what he wanted to with Victor, he’d probably be ready to try something new. Hi Raquel thanks for the compliment. V agrees with you btw. He has a new thing starting next July in England. I would consider something same time same place. No sweet tame bartender tho I am OVER IT

  The reply came immediately. I’m on it

  They had their dinner with Jonathan and Loretta the night after Andy’s scene wrapped. Victor was on set for that, but the other two weren’t.

  Jonathan spent most of the week finishing up some scenes on the Mackinac Bridge, and Loretta was filming a cat-and-mouse chase at Niagara. They all told stories for hours. Andy got caught up with Jonathan, who he hadn’t seen since they were all in Miami two years before, and who was eighteen months into a new relationship with someone he and Victor already knew. That whole thing had been surprising at first, but now seemed totally obvious.

  Loretta had come to Los Angeles for the premiere of ‘The Ghost of Carlos Gardel.’ She said, “It was nice meeting your friend Jim there. Do you see him often?”

  That was also surprising. Jim was a nice guy, but not a person they would have expected Loretta to remember. “Hardly ever,” Andy confessed, feeling slightly guilty about it. “We used to see each other all the time when I

  could get to Chrome for the Cabaret shows. Then ‘Vice’ happened and we couldn’t really go anywhere without the whole Secret Service deal, and he lives out in the Valley, and ugh.”

  “That doesn’t mean anything to Loretta,” Jonathan said. “She’s only been in L.A. a couple of times.” He lived there too, in a downtown loft.

  Loretta was still based in Miami.

  “Okay,” said Victor. “Well, imagine you’re trying to get from Miami Beach to Fort Lauderdale at rush hour. Now imagine it’s less than half the distance and takes more than twice as long. That’s getting from West L.A. to the Valley, or vice versa.” Loretta made an ‘ugh’ face.

  “We still email.” Andy continued to feel guilty. “He’s out and about a lot. He still does video for dance events, and since Tanith’s thing he’s gotten some more gigs on indie films.”

  “He was nice,” Loretta said. “Tell him I said Hi. And tell your parents I said Hi.”

  “I’ll do that. Send me a sexy selfie and I’ll forward it to Pop.” Loretta laughed, but she did.

  The next night, Victor was in the hotel bar with Jonathan and Loretta when a text came in from Andy: Hi catnip, we’re heading for the Keys tomorrow. Everything good?

  Victor signaled the others. Loretta waved him away. He didn’t actually leave, but turned his attention to the phone. Everything’s good except I miss you. How’d Ronnie like that picture from Loretta?

  A LOT

  LOL good. What are you doing tonight?

  Dinner with Alonzo. His hubs Enrique just left to take his nephew to Puerto Rico for the summer, they’re building houses Good for them. Victor was conscious of a totally unexpected pang of jealousy. When they’d been in Miami before, Alonzo had been ‘my friend from my past life.’ Only later had he learned that Al had actually been Andy’s boyfriend back in the day. He told him
self to stop it. How does Al like your beard?

  Shocked and appalled

  How did your mom like it?

  Shocked and appalled

  LOL and Ronnie?

  Laughed his ass off, which is the main reason I haven’t shaved it yet.

  Don’t worry, I’ll let it grow again because I like the way you like it Hmm maybe for Love is Blindness

  Okay but not for the other one because I don’t think I can pull off a drag routine with this

  Victor laughed out loud. Are you really going to do it that way?

  You said you wanted me to. You don’t ask for much I love you

  I love you too. Be in touch once we get down to Key West Victor took a moment after they signed off. Thinking about that flash of jealousy, thinking about Andy with the beard and Andy in fishnets and heels, and feeling lonely.

  “Everything okay?” Jonathan was watching.

  “Yeah, sure. What’d I miss?”

  Two more nights, two more text exchanges because that was easier than calling, and then Victor picked up a text in the middle of the afternoon: Sweetheart if you can possibly get here I really need you we lost him Victor went straight to the location producer. They’d just wrapped a scene, they were ahead of schedule, and everybody liked Andy. They said they’d rearrange a couple of things, and let him go.

  He got to the little house in Shorecrest at half-past two in the morning. A light was still on. He’d texted from the set, from the airport in Buffalo, and again when they landed in Miami. Andy’s reply to the last had been simply door will be unlocked thank you I love you. Victor walked into the quiet house, locked the door behind him, and set down his overnight bag on a chair in the kitchen. He was about to go looking for Andy when he heard that voice, a soft ‘hello,’ sounding hollow. Victor remembered that feeling. “Hi honey. I got here as fast as I could.” Andy walked into his arms.

  There wasn’t anything that needed to be decided. There wasn’t anything that couldn’t wait for daylight. So they went straight to bed, where Victor held Andy while he cried, and then loved him until he could sleep. They were

  both awake again before eight, when the scent of coffee filled the house.

  Andy lay on his side staring at Victor. “They let you go.”

  “They might have realized I would come no matter what they said.”

  “Where’s Molly?”

  “Loretta’s taking care of her. You want to talk about it?”

  “Not yet.” Then, after a moment, “Yes.”

  Victor had Andy’s left hand in his right. Their feet were touching under the sheet. The ceiling fan turned slowly overhead, morning light was slanting through the shutters, and there was a cricket singing somewhere in the room.

  He remembered those details later. “I’ve got you,” he said softly.

  Andy’s eyes flooded again. For once he didn’t try to hide it. “It was best-case scenario, really. We had two great days out on the boat with Bobby.

  Then yesterday morning Mom came to my room and said baby, he’s gone.

  He went in his sleep. So I went to find the manager, and she called the people who had to be called. Mom and I went back to her room and sat with Pop.

  The manager brought us coffee with rum in it.” He smiled a little.

  “It’s good you were here.”

  “Like you and your mom. Knowing it’s coming doesn’t really help, does it.”

  “No.” After a moment Victor said, “Do you want to tell our people yet?”

  “Let’s wait. There’s not going to be an autopsy or any of that. No funeral. Only a memorial service. Once that’s set up, we can tell people.”

  Andy watched as Victor sat up, reached for his phone, and sent a text to Jonathan and Loretta. He showed it to Andy: Will send details on memorial soon appreciate keeping it quiet till then thanks. Andy sat up, leaned forward to stretch, stayed there with his ribs on his thighs and his hands gripping his ankles. “That was just right, what you did last night. Everything you do is right.”

  “I’ve fucked up a time or two.”

  “So have I. Thanks for coming.” Andy sat up again, twisting his back.

  “God I need to work out. I feel like a bag full of coat hangers.” He heard a stifled sound and turned his head. Victor was trying not to laugh. “You’d be doing me a favor if you laugh.”

  “If you say so. Want to go get some coffee? With or without rum?”

  “Maybe without rum today. Who needs rum when I have you.” Victor

  scooted over, wrapped himself around Andy from behind, and kissed his cheek. Andy tilted his head back and rested his forehead against Victor’s.

  After a minute he patted Victor’s arm. They untangled themselves and got out of bed.

  Victor stayed as long as he could, which wasn’t long enough for him to be at the memorial. By his last night there, Andy and his mother were doing okay. Sufficiently okay to be arguing about where and when Eva would be moving. Sufficiently okay that when the house was full of Ronnie and Eva’s friends, and Andy’s friends from way back, both of them were able to smile and laugh and talk about the good things. Nobody paid much attention to Victor, aside from greeting him, asking how he was doing, thanking him from being there. It had been a long time since Victor was the afterthought in a room. He didn’t like it. He was aware of not liking it, told himself to button it down, made a mental note to talk about it with their counselor sometime.

  Then Alonzo was shaking Andy’s hand again, hugging him again. Both hands on Andy’s clean-shaven face, a kiss on the forehead. Fucking Alonzo, Victor thought, envious because Alonzo had known Andy so long. He reminded himself that they weren’t together. They’d been a couple off and on for five years, but Victor already had more of Andy than Al ever had. They’d never lived together. Al was married too, fifty-five and balding and starting to show a little bit of a belly. Andy loved him, Victor, and there was no reason to doubt it. There never had been. Al said something. Andy said something back with a warm look. Then Al kissed him on the mouth. Closed mouth. Nothing unusual in this place, at this time. Victor had to turn his back, monitoring his breathing, slowing it down and shoving the surge of sick rage back in its box. What the fuck is wrong with you. He was facing somebody, somebody who said something, and Victor managed to respond in a way that must have seemed normal, or at least socially acceptable.

  He thought Andy hadn’t noticed. The house was so full, so loud, so busy.

  And the next day, Victor had to go back to Buffalo. There was a lot of rum the night before; Andy was asleep before Victor got in bed. In the morning he was already out in the kitchen with Eva before Victor woke up. It would have been good if they could have made love before he left, but they were out of time now. We’ll figure it out, he told himself, not examining that ‘we.’ They had plenty of time before the movie shoot was over.

  “I’m working on Mom. Pushing for Marina del Rey,” Andy said while they were waiting for Victor’s car to show up to take him to the airport. “But I probably won’t get her out of Miami. She’s got a lot of friends here.”

  “Into a condo, though, right?”

  “Yeah, we’ve reached agreement on that. This house, for fuck’s sake.”

  Andy rolled his eyes. “There’s such demand for housing, someone would buy it. But I feel like selling it is doing a disservice to the buyer. Nobody should even be living in this neighborhood.”

  “You could tear it down. Sell the bare lot. They’d have to build to the new code.”

  “And if nobody thought it was worthwhile, it could go back to nature.

  Good idea.” Andy leaned over to kiss him as a car rolled in outside. “There’s your ride. I’ll be back in Buffalo as soon as possible.”

  “Don’t hurry. Stay as long as Eva needs you.” Victor didn’t especially want to say that, because he needed Andy too.

  “Honey, she’s already tired of me. She needs some time to herself. Have I mentioned I love you? I love you. Get out of here be
fore I make you miss your flight.” Andy hugged him, kissed him, and sent him on his way.

  Watched him go, realizing Victor hadn’t said ‘I love you’ back and wondering about that ‘don’t hurry.’

  “Is everything okay?” Eva’s voice, behind him. Andy turned around and made a ‘what do you think’ face. Eva shrugged. “I know, I know. Did you boys just say you think we should tear the house down?”

  So Andy went back inside and they argued about that for a while. But it was a full moon, and that night the tide flooded the house. Eva was sweeping water out the front door when Andy squelched into the kitchen. “Really, Mom.”

  “I know, I know. Can you stay till we find me a place to live?”

  There were a million texts and messages, it was even worse than after Victor got shot. Andy worked his way through all of them. He took charge of things, bullied his mother into eating, made sure neither of them drank too much. They both went out to walk on the beach. Andy carried a trash bag and picked up litter, bitching about what pigs people were. It made Eva laugh.

  The memorial made them both cry. “But it’s good,” Eva said afterward. “It’s

  good he went that way. Before things got too bad.”

  “When he was happy,” Andy said. “He had a good life with you.”

  “Yes he did.” Eva leaned on him. “He was so proud of you.”

  “Jesus, Mom, stop it.” They left the social club. Ronnie hadn’t wanted any kind of religious thing. There were hands to shake, more hugs. Andy wished Victor were there to deal with the press lurking out by the street, and for ten thousand other reasons. He said what he needed to say, arm around his mother. Then he signaled his driver, and they escaped.

  Chapter 7

  July 2019

  Andy landed in Buffalo with a long progress report to give Victor.

  They’d texted every day as usual, and spoken on the phone regularly. They both said ‘I love you.’ Andy could tell something was wrong, couldn’t imagine what it was, and was getting annoyed about it. My father just died, goddammit, and what the fuck is your problem. He couldn’t say that. Didn’t want to say that. Couldn’t help thinking it.