Never Enough

by Alexandra Caluen

  Victor laughed, wiping his eyes, because he hadn’t heard any of this before. Hadn’t heard that his father was proud of him, or that he said that to other people. Didn’t know that the autographed picture was in his office for the world to see. “Thanks for telling me that.”

  “I wish you could have had John in your life when you were a kid.”

  Victor sighed. “I saw him once a year. It was a hell of a lot better than nothing. It was more than a lot of kids got whose fathers were right there in the same town.”

  “He cared about your mother.”

  “Yeah, he did. He cared about both of us. He made sure I got everything I needed, and a lot of what I wanted. But I know what you mean. It’s not the same.”

  “It’s not the same. That’s something else I got that you didn’t get.” Andy finished his coffee. “I must have been nine or ten before I fully realized what a problem it was.”

  “What do you mean, problem?”

  “I mean, by then it was crystal clear I was this way. They put me in dance at age six, for Christ’s sake. I just couldn’t give a fuck for all the guy

  things. Cars? Sports?” He made a pfft noise. “They tried me in soccer for a minute. I was like, what in the hell is the point of this.” Victor laughed again.

  “I was about music and dancing and theater. I liked to hang out with girls because they were bitchy and giggly like me. I’d hang out in the kitchen at everybody’s house, gossiping with the big sisters and doing bachata with the aunties. Most of the boys were okay with me because I wasn’t feminine. I was foul-mouthed and I made them laugh. I could run really fast. I could take a fall. I could get over a fence like nobody else. But sports, no. I was like that girl in ‘Clueless,’ no balls flying at my face, please. Until later.” Victor snickered. “But yeah. When the other boys had been in sports for a couple of years, it started to get obvious that Pop was working pretty hard to create a normal for me. To find me that safe place where there would be others of my own species. The great thing was he never acted like it was this chore. This imposition. It was just, this is my son and this is what he needs. I got to tell him how much I appreciated that.”

  “What did he say?”

  “He said, what the fuck else was I supposed to do? You’re my son.”

  Andy wiped his eyes. After a moment he went on. “You know he solved the thing in high school. There was this one kid who beat me up twice. The first time I went home and I had the bloody nose and the black eye, and Pop was really pissed off. He asked if I wanted to learn how to fight. I said I wanted to learn how to not fight. So he came up with this plan. He said, if it happens again, try this.”

  “What was the plan? What happened?”

  “Oh, the guy did what these guys always do, pulled in a couple of other meatheads and cornered me. Started slapping me around, throwing a few punches. They were getting a little carried away. So I go, in my head, Pop this had better fucking work, and I say is this really worth your time? Is it not kind of unrewarding? It’s not like I’m putting up a fight. It’s not an achievement, is what I’m saying. He didn’t know what the fuck to do.” Andy was starting to laugh at the memory. “He was like, are you seriously trying to talk your way out of this? And I was like, well, obviously. Wouldn’t it be so much cooler if you were at an actual boxing gym with other guys who like beating things up? Because I know a guy.”

  “Jesus Christ. Did it work?”

  “Hell yeah, it worked. He was all, there’s a gym for that? Dude ended up

  getting a boxing scholarship to college. We’re still in touch. He came to Pop’s memorial.”

  “What about the other two meatheads?”

  “Oh, you know, they were followers. They followed him to the gym but they couldn’t actually take getting hit so they found someone else to follow.

  Dumbasses.” Andy thought about going to get some more coffee. Morning had officially broken. “Not long after that I started to get my height. I looked like a fishing pole, but I kept getting taller, and I learned how to move a little bigger. The rest of high school was fine.”

  “I was a scrapper.”

  Andy glanced over, smiling. “You got in fights a lot?”

  “I was a mean little bastard. Anybody said anything about my mother, he was in the shit. Anybody fucking with a girl, he was in the shit.” Victor was gazing out at the gradually-lightening sky. “I was an altar boy too. I was in the church.”

  “Anybody mess with you?”

  “No. Our church didn’t have that. Somebody up the chain must have known what to look for, and cared enough to keep it out. There were a couple of characters used to hang around the church school, expose themselves. We used to throw things at them. We weren’t scared.”

  “What was the best thing about living where you lived?”

  “The ocean,” Victor said immediately. “I could never live far from the ocean.”

  “Yeah, me neither.” Andy leaned forward, stretching. Trying to remember if they had any unbreakable things that day.

  Victor must have read his mind. “We don’t have anything scheduled.

  Want to take a vacation day? Go to the beach?” Andy turned his head and smiled. They were still sitting there, because there was no hurry, when Victor noticed activity in the yard. “Well, I’ll be damned,” he said softly.

  “What?” Andy turned to look. “Oh, Loretta, you naughty girl.” It was Jim, going out through the back gate. “Do you think he made her wait all this time, or is this just the first time he’s stayed over?”

  “Maybe the first time he’s stayed over and we were out here to see him go.” They both giggled, delighted. “Let’s go downstairs and give her some shit.”

  Loretta was, of course, in the audience when Andy and Victor performed

  ‘Love is Blindness’ at Chrome. She was there both nights: on the first night, sitting at a lounge table in the second row with some of their neighbors; on the second, sitting alone at the bar. Chrome’s manager Terry swung by to help her maintain a buffer zone. The club was packed to capacity, with a standing-room-only crowd in the downstairs lounge. The word about the celebrity performers had gotten out quickly. Victor waved to Loretta as they took their bows. “It was nice of her to come again tonight,” he said, giving Andy a sidelong glance.

  “Oh, yes, very nice. Has nothing to do with the fact that Jim is here and that he’s staying for the after-party.” Andy was grinning. “Let’s get off stage.” They went off, the curtain went down, and they fetched up beside Rory at the panel.

  She was speaking through the panel mic, inviting the rest of the second-act cast to the stage for the curtain call. People trooped past them, going out through the curtain for another bow. Eventually they all came back across the stage, returning to the green room to change clothes or otherwise get refreshed. “Okay. Half an hour to party time. Can’t wait to see the video,”

  Rory said. “That’s the only sucky part of running the show, all I’ve got is this little monitor. How’d it feel?”

  “Felt great.” Andy had his arm around Victor. “This guy is fun to dance with.”

  “It is a much less terrifying routine than Ricky and Anya’s apache was.

  What gave you the idea for that flying thing?”

  “The Swan Dive,” Victor said. “I figured if Zach could get him in the air, so could I.”

  Andy squeezed him. “Felt challenged.”

  “Inspired by slinging Loretta around.” Victor was smiling. He was deeply satisfied with what they’d done.

  “Bet you never thought you could do that a year after getting shredded,”

  Rory said. “When are you going to get some new ink?”

  “When I make up my mind what I want.” Victor turned to Andy. “Let’s go get into some fresh shirts so we can go out there and dance some more.”

  Andy kissed him. “Okay. See you later, kitten face.”

  “Dinner, our place, soon.” Rory started shutting down the panel.

 
; When they went out into the house, they found Loretta still at the bar, talking animatedly with Cabaret regulars Mike and Paula Borodin. “I loved your piece so, so much. How did you find that music? Nobody else used music like that!”

  “Nobody ever has,” Paula said. “We heard it on this classical channel on Sirius one time when we were on a long drive. I was like wait a minute, that’s

  ‘Buttons and Bows,’ which is a song I hate. One of those super-sexist standards,” she told Loretta, who clearly didn’t recognize the title. “Totally infantilizes women. Anyway I scribbled down the name of it and we looked it up.”

  “Because the second she started glaring at the display I thought, uh-oh,”

  Mike said, smiling. “It’s by a composer with our same last name. We meant to do it last year, but then I had that stress fracture.”

  “No one would know,” Loretta said. “How you can dance! You’re both wonderful! Victor,” she said fondly. “You and Andy, oh my God, I could watch you all day.”

  “Well, you can’t,” Andy said, “because we’re going to dance with you.

  Where’s Jim?”

  “He’s packing up. No, here he is.”

  “Hi guys,” Jim said. “Hi Mike, hi Paula. Another great performance.

  When are you going to kiss that law firm goodbye and go pro?”

  “Probably never,” Paula said. “We’ve got a groove. Where does a going-on-forty-year-old get to do work like this?” They were all aware of the shoveling-out procedure, Chrome staffers gently (or not-so-gently) steering general-admission customers up and out of the downstairs lounge. Only those with the gold wristbands would be staying for the after-party.

  “No one would know,” Loretta said again. “You are beautiful on stage, los dos. I have such an envy.”

  “You’re getting there,” Victor said. “I’ll take you for a spin as soon as they get the riffraff out.” Andy and Paula laughed.

  Jim said, “Guess I’ll have to wait my turn. She’ll get a better dance from you anyway.”

  “You need more practice, that’s all,” Andy said. “Dance with me. Oh, don’t give me that look. I never made a pass at you.”

  “You totally did!” Jim was laughing.

  “Okay once, the first time we met. Nothing ventured. He had all his hair then,” Andy told Loretta, who snorted and covered her mouth for a second.

  Victor and Mike made eye contact and both tried very hard not to laugh.

  Paula wasn’t even trying.

  Jim had a ‘no you didn’t’ face on. “Jesus, Andy!”

  Loretta bit her lip and said, “Tu cabello está bien.”

  “My hair is on its way to hair heaven.” Jim didn’t look too troubled about it, possibly because he was standing very close to Loretta and she had her fingers tucked into the waistband of his pants.

  “Listen, we have music. Let’s go.” Victor gave Loretta a hand down from her barstool and led her across the room, heading for the stage steps.

  The curtain was open again, making more space for dancing. Mike shook hands with Andy and Jim, and took Paula that way too.

  “Okay, kid. Lead me.” Andy gave Jim an expectant look. Jim made an

  ‘oh my God’ face, gave a slight and trepidatious nod, and headed toward the steps.

  “You’re too tall for me,” Jim said about two songs in.

  “Height is irrelevant, as I’m sure Tomás has told you. Victor dances with me when I’ve got high heels on.” Jim snorted. “You’re doing fine, you know, considering.”

  “Considering I have two left feet.”

  “Considering you only started taking lessons a month ago, you moron.

  Loretta seems to like you a lot.”

  “I was so surprised she even remembered me.” Jim glanced at Andy, who was apparently busy watching the entire space around them. “How many eyes do you have, anyway?” Andy laughed under his breath, but didn’t say anything else. “She wants me to write to her after she goes back to Miami.”

  “You going to?”

  “Well, yeah. I’m crazy about her. She’s incredible.” After a moment, he added, “I can’t quite believe this is happening. She’s so out of my league.”

  “That’s what I thought when I met Victor. It was very Notting Hill for a minute there.” Jim got the reference; he nodded. “The funny thing is, he felt the same way about me.” They were into a third song now, and Jim hadn’t crashed yet. Andy said, “You’re doing awfully well. Dance with her next.

  She’s insecure, you know.”

  “Why?”

  “A lot of bad men. A lot of disrespect. A lot of not being valued as a person.” Andy gave that a few seconds. “As soon as they get done writing that first draft, she’s going home. Give her a reason to come back.”

  “I’m sure going to try.”

  “I did the whole in loco parentis thing with Jim,” Andy told Victor later, when they were up in their bedroom stretching.

  “Were you like, what are your intentions?” Andy snorted. Victor was smiling, leaning over a leg. As always, Andy had better extension. “I’m gonna catch up with you one day.”

  “Don’t you challenge me, sonny.” Andy shifted, going into a full split, and Victor made an annoyed sound. Andy laughed.

  “You’re such a dick.”

  “I have such a dick.” Victor cracked up. Andy was trying not to.

  “Anyway not exactly. He said she asked him to write to her, I said are you going to, he said yes. Then I told him she’s planning to go back to Miami when you guys finish the first draft, and to give her a reason to come back.”

  “You think she will? God, I hope so. It would be so great to have her out here with us.” After a second Victor added, “I mean, not literally with us. I’m ready to start fucking you in the kitchen again.” They both started giggling.

  “And in the living room. Over the dining table. On the stairs.”

  Andy fell out of his position, laughing. He folded his legs and scooted back against the wall. “All of that, yeah. Maybe she’ll move in with him.”

  “She wants a baby.”

  “Oh, really? Huh.” Andy hadn’t thought about that. Enough of their friends had kids that it wasn’t a totally out-there concept. “Maybe the kid would get his eyes. Jim has pretty eyes.” Dark blue, with dark lashes. “She said her mother has blue eyes.”

  “What if he doesn’t want kids?” They stared at each other for a moment.

  Victor changed position, sitting cross-legged in front of Andy. “Well. All we can do is wait and see, I guess.”

  “And let them both know we’re behind them either way.” Andy leaned forward for a kiss. “Let’s get ready for bed.”

  Victor got to his feet. “Molly’s way ahead of us.”

  “She’s been looking at her watch for the last half hour, going will you turn off the light please.” Andy accepted a hand up from Victor. They both petted their dog on the way to the bathroom.

  Chapter 12

  October 2019

  The writing team called it at the end of September. The screenplay wasn’t polished, but it was complete. They met up one more time to read it through. “I can’t believe we did this so fast,” Jonathan said.

  Loretta made a pfft sound. “I can’t believe we did it at all! That first time, it felt like a game.”

  “Well.” Victor regarded them both. “I think we make a great team. Do you want to send it to the producer now, or wait till we hear about the rough cut on number three? Or maybe we could have Tanith take a look at it.”

  “Oh yes,” Loretta said immediately. “Would she look at it? She could tell us if we are out of our minds.” Jonathan laughed. “God in heaven, I never typed so much in my life.”

  “We owe you,” said Victor. “Doing this by hand on legal pads would have been a pain in the ass.” Loretta’s phone buzzed. She glanced at it and grimaced. “Aren’t you going to answer that?”

  “It’s my mother,” she said. “She will say when are you comi
ng home, why are you wasting your time in L.A., don’t you know there is work for you here. She is my manager,” she told Jonathan. “I think I have to fire her. There will be such a fight. She wants me to do local things, little things, so she can keep me close.”

  Victor had already heard about this. “You know if you want the big roles, you’re going to need to be out here,” he said softly. “You have friends here. She doesn’t need to worry about you.”

  “Gracias, Victor. You and Andy and Jonathan are the best friends. All your friends are wonderful. I don’t know if I want the big roles. But I can do better than being a spokesmodel.” She sighed. “I do need to go home. I have things to finish there.”

  “And I actually need to go home.” Jonathan stood up, stretched, offered a hand to Victor. “This has been great. I never would have thought I’d be co-authoring an actual screenplay. I barely graduated from high school.”

  “You have good ideas,” Victor said. “And you know about story, and character, and action. Has Jenny seen any of this?”

  “No, not yet.”

  “Show it to her. I’d like to know what she thinks, too.”

  “What does Andy think?”

  “Andy said, only for you and this genius nonsense would I consent to having my ass waxed. Again.” Loretta and Jonathan cracked up.

  “You shared the ass-waxing thing, didn’t you,” Andy said later, because Victor kept snickering. “You seriously can’t expect a person to play a drag queen with a hairy ass.”

  “You don’t have a hairy ass,” Victor said, barely keeping it together.

  “But I’ll be wearing a thong, Victor.”