Never Enough

by Alexandra Caluen

  A week later, while Andy and Victor were down in Escondido taking Victor’s father out to dinner, they got a text from their real-estate guy Elliott: House next door available. Sending email. Asking price based on recent comps plus two years estimated rental expense. Andy saw the message after they returned to their hotel at the beach. “Honey, looks like you might get your pool.”

  Victor read the message over his shoulder. “Our pool. Open up the email?”

  Andy got his tablet out, opened his email, and pulled up the message.

  The number was on the high side, but they’d expected that. The proposed vacancy date was earlier than they’d expected. “We can afford it, right?”

  “Oh, definitely. Especially if we get a tenant.” They brainstormed for a few minutes. Once the former owners were safely away, they could get an inspection and see if the house was salvageable at all. If so, they might need an architect to look at it to see if there was any possible way to make the thing less of an excrescence. “I guess that’s what we get for buying a castle,”

  Victor said, smiling. “Now everything else has to live up to it.”

  Andy was studying the street-view photograph Elliott had attached. “You can’t even really see the goddamned thing behind those fucking cedars. All

  you can see is dingy beige stucco, and brown trim, and that shitty little excuse for a window. Is that a picture window behind the cedars?”

  Victor squinted at it. “Could be.”

  “I am so not a fan of brown asphalt shingles. It can’t possibly be two stories, can it?” The shape of the house was so obscured by overgrown trees, it was hard to tell. Neither of them had thought to take a picture from the back. All they had really been aware of was a desolate, empty, large yard in between a shabby fence at the alley side, and a row of arbor vitae up by the house. “You know, these people should be living in a condo, not a house.

  They clearly are not gardeners.” Andy wasn’t either, but at least he cared how the outside looked. Their own backyard was very low-maintenance, designed for entertaining. The front was a shallow formal garden with turf bordered by lavender at the sidewalk edge, and white Iceberg roses up by the house. “If the front matched the cottage garden Paige is doing at the Sleeping Beauty, that could be cute.”

  Victor made a sound of agreement. He was still thinking about how tall the property was (or wasn’t). “If it’s sound, maybe we could pop the roof.

  Build up. Make it another duplex. The top unit could be our private guest house, for when friends are in town, and the bottom could be for the regular tenant.”

  Andy was watching Victor think. You are so cute. “Remember how much it cost to re-do all the systems and shit at the triplex.”

  “Yeah, I know. Let’s run this by Patrick and his team. If the studio picks up ‘Countdown 4,’ and if I get the same rate for that, it would be a wash.”

  “If they pick it up based on your script,” Andy pointed out, “you’re going to get paid more. And I really don’t think they’d bring you back and not give you a raise. You got quite a bump from two to three, and not all of it was because of your story credit.”

  “And I want it.” Victor was grinning. “I want that pool.”

  “I want it too.” Andy laughed. He was so excited. “God that would be awesome. Maybe we could plant our own bamboo grove.”

  When they put in an offer on the Faux Chateau there were a lot of hoops to jump through. They hadn’t been married then, for one thing. Then there was the Sleeping Beauty triplex, and by that time Victor had two of the

  Countdown movies out. On this one, the banks and lawyers took about five minutes to say ‘okay.’ Andy couldn’t wait to tell somebody, so he texted Rory: We got the house

  Cool!! How bad is it?

  Andy almost wrote ‘we need explosives’ but settled for Salvageable. He expected her to reply with something snarky.

  Instead she wrote Will you teach me to swim?

  How do you not fucking know how to swim?! You grew up in San Diego!

  Yeah okay but we didn’t have a pool and none of my friends did either Did you not swim in the ocean?

  I got wet in the ocean. I did not swim

  Andy was amazed that he never knew this. Honey you’re going to be the cutest little feathery mermaid when I get done with you. btw thanks again for dinner, we’ll experience the joy of bamboo some other time ROFLMAO

  And incidentally you and Dana will be playing Tybalt and Romeo.

  Govern yourselves accordingly

  Uh what

  I’ll send you the lines later. Besos y Abrazos chica Y lo mismo para ti. Andy disconnected, highly satisfied. He and Victor had combed the complete works for a slash pairing that hadn’t already been done (or at least claimed), that was also gender-bent, and that would therefore sufficiently spank their friends for taking so damn long to make up their minds. Victor had – as he so often did – come up with staging for the lines in about five seconds. Andy was already itching to shoot it.

  Victor had scaled back to one-hour sessions with Robyn after a few more late-night and early-morning talks with Andy. He was being more open about his insecurities; Andy was breaking off pieces of his own protective shell. “I never realized how much we were both hiding,” Victor told Robyn. “It always seemed like we were completely open with each other.”

  “History can hide for a long time when the present day is action-packed,”

  she said. “You two haven’t had this kind of time before.”

  “It’s so unbelievably great. I always felt like, I don’t want to miss a

  thing. There’s so much there. He’s so complicated. But yeah, we were always so busy. We’re still busy, but we get to do a lot more together. Going to the gym, going to the beach. Taking twenty minutes or an hour, or two hours, to simply sit and be together and talk, it’s such a luxury. I was at a meeting the other day and mentioned I was taking time off, and this one guy said ugh, how can you stand it.”

  “What did he mean?”

  “He meant both things. Taking time off, not working, but also being with Andy so much. I didn’t want to ask, but I thought, don’t you want to be with your wife? Do you work so you can avoid her?”

  “It’s not uncommon.”

  “Ugh.” He made a face. Robyn suppressed a smile. “I think we’re doing the right thing. I think we needed this.”

  “I think so too.”

  “It all comes down to time, doesn’t it. I’m never going to get enough with him, enough of him, because we found each other so late.” Victor sighed, trying to relax in the big wing-back chair. “I’m trying not to wish, you know? Not to be resentful about what we can’t have. I want to make the best of it.”

  “How do you think all this relates to what happened this summer?”

  “Now I’m starting to think it was all about the shooting. About being so close to losing it all. I think that triggered me in a way I didn’t even recognize.” Robyn didn’t say anything, simply waited. Victor let the words come. “Me being jealous of people from his past is nothing more than me wishing I’d been there instead. It’s got nothing to do with Alonzo or any of those other guys. But there was also this thing, you know, he had so many people when Ronnie died. When I lost Mama, I had Tía Susana back in Jalisco, and that was it. My cousins, none of them really knew me. I’d been away for almost twenty years. Here in L.A., nobody really knew me except Andy. I think me going off in July was because of that. You had all those people, and all I have is you. I would have laid down my life for you, and if I’m not enough for you I am nothing.”

  Robyn let that sit for a minute. “Do you still feel that way?”

  “No. It’s not even true now, it’s a holdover from back then. I’ve got more friends than I have time for. We were talking about it, though. About

  the actual event, which we haven’t talked much about up to now. I said some of this stuff, pretty much exactly. He said, do you remember what I said the morning after? And I kind o
f didn’t. I was drugged up, not really in my right mind. I know I told him why I did it. How I saw Stan looking behind us and knew, like I could see it, where the gun was. And I launched because I could not let him die. He said something then that I didn’t really remember. He reminded me. It was, if he had killed you, do you think I could live with that for one fucking day.”

  “So then what happened.”

  “Well, there was some crying.” Victor half-laughed. “We’ve both been doing more of that this past year than I think we ever have. He said, if I lost you, I would survive because of our friends. They wouldn’t let me not survive. But there would be this giant hole where you used to be. Nothing and no-one could fill that. I wouldn’t even try. You are my one true love.”

  Victor swallowed, took a deep breath, and blinked away tears. “He said, I would be walking around without my heart for however long it took me to actually die.”

  Robyn reached for the Kleenex box, took two for herself, and passed the box to Victor. After a few minutes she said, “Well. What did you say?”

  “I didn’t try to say anything. I was a mess. I took him to bed.”

  “Did that work?”

  Victor coughed out a laugh. “Yeah, that worked.”

  “So what’s next?”

  “Well, we’re rehearsing this new dance that we’ll perform in November.

  In December we’ll start working with our arranger on this concert for April, and we’re going over to Miami to see Eva for Christmas. Andy’s brushing up his tap, I’m taking jazz lessons. A couple of friends are doing choreography for us for the April thing. We bought the house next door. That’ll be a long-ass project, but there’s not much we have to do personally aside from write checks.”

  “You bought another house.” Robyn’s tone was rich with disbelief.

  “Well, it was an eyesore, and we want a pool.” He could tell she was trying not to laugh. “We’ll probably have tenants again. That’s if we can turn this shithole into a duplex.”

  “Is it that bad?” Victor got his phone out to show her a picture of the

  house next door. All the encroaching trees had been cut down so the inspector could actually see the place. It looked wretched. “Oh,” Robyn said.

  “Well, the picture window will be nice.” Victor snickered. “What happened with your screenwriting project?”

  “My friend Tanith, the one who wrote the movie we did last year, she took a look at the script for us and said it didn’t suck. So as soon as we get some feedback on the rough cut for number three, we’ll probably toss ours at the producer. The earliest we could start work on it would be a year from now.”

  “You two are never going to run out of things to do, are you.” Now she sounded amused.

  “Not for a while, anyway. And if we do, we can sit by the pool until something comes along.”

  Chapter 13

  October 2019

  Ten days before Halloween, it was another quiet evening after another low-demand day. Consuelo had left hours ago, before Andy and Victor went back in the house from their afternoon practice in the home studio. Vicky and Sharon came over for dinner, and to make the men laugh with stories about the rehearsals happening at Shall We Dance for the upcoming Cabaret show.

  “Well, you know Tomás never stops having ideas,” Vicky said. “Our thing for ‘Milonga’ was fun but with this theme being ‘Trick or Treat’ it could have gone a couple different ways.”

  “A whole lot of ways,” Andy agreed. “Any idea what the balance is?

  Rory wouldn’t cough it up. Some years it’s like a freak show, some years you think, okay, if this wasn’t a bar we could totally have kids in here.”

  “What did you do with all that candy, anyway?” Sharon was referring to the photo shoot for the Halloween poster. Andy had put the four scantily-clad Underground Cabaret principals in a plastic kiddie pool and covered them with candy. “And thank you for not giving any of it to us, by the way.”

  Victor said, “He filled up a few piñatas and gave them to Tasha to take over to Theo’s school. They had to do the whole disclaimer thing about peanuts and tree nuts and whatever.”

  “So then I felt bad and put together one with zero allergenic candy contents,” Andy said. “The four sensitive kids can bash away at that one.”

  “Anyway, it seems like the lineup is mostly freaky with a little bit of cute. Anya and Ricky are doing a thing. Dmitri and Hiro are doing their

  ‘Toxic’ thing again, everybody begged them to. Sam and Mateo are doing

  ‘Dragula.’ Mike and Paula are working on something I haven’t seen because they’re keeping it over in their local studio. Oh, and Stacey’s back, which will definitely be a treat.”

  “No kidding! That’s great!” Andy was sincerely pleased to hear that.

  Stacey had been with the Cabaret for nine years, but had taken a long break from performance after having a child. “Is she doing aerial silk again?”

  “That’s what I hear. Some kind of blues song about being tied up.”

  Vicky rolled her neck, well aware that she hadn’t yet answered the unspoken question of what she was doing. “You’re dying to know, aren’t you.” Both

  men laughed. “We’re doing ‘Devil Inside.’ It’s fast as heck. And a lot less tango than I’m used to with him.”

  “I’m guessing it’s closer to the freaky end of the spectrum. Can’t wait to see it.”

  “There’s something else you’re going to want to see. The girls from

  ‘Diamond Dogs’ came in with a group cabaret routine that’s really something. I only even know because Rory let me see the submission tape.

  It’s one of Tanith’s songs, ‘Speak No Evil.’ I hear she re-wrote the lyrics, she wants to use it when she does the movie.”

  Victor was a little hurt. “She didn’t ask me to record it.”

  “I thought she was going to. She said something about it last month.

  Maybe it got away from her?” Vicky felt guilty. “Annette said they’ve been using a backing track, no vocal. Look, hold on.” She stood up, went over to the B side, and quickly returned with phone in hand, texting: Tanith WTF

  Victor never heard from you about that song and we’re talking about Halloween and DON’T KICK MY PUPPY

  A reply came quickly: FUCK that totally got away from me SHIT it’s next week groveling in 3 2 1

  Victor’s phone pinged a minute later, over at the control center. Vicky was still standing, so she went over there to fetch it. He read the text out loud.

  “Sorry Victor I’m teaching again and forgot all about asking you if you could record a song for me. It’s super short notice but I’ll pay for the studio time and Valerie etc if you’re available. Rewrite of Speak No Evil. Can do?” He looked over at Andy, who appeared to be fairly pissed-off. “You know what all she’s got going on.”

  “There are these magical tools called calendars, Victor.” Sharon and Vicky gave each other an ‘oops’ face, because Andy didn’t get mad very often. He caught them doing it. “Don’t worry, I won’t bitch at her. I am keeping score, though.”

  “You always do, honey.” Victor took a look at their calendar, then wrote back to Tanith: I have unbreakable appointment Westside Thursday 15:00

  otherwise can be where you need me when you need me I’ll get on to the studio and Val in the morning and let you know ASAP.

  Session will be ASAP. IOU and truly sorry for being an airhead, I never wanted anyone but you for it. Victor didn’t read that one out loud, but he showed it to Andy. “It’ll probably happen. I’m flexible.”

  “Getting more so all the time,” Andy murmured.

  “And on that note,” Sharon said, “we’ll clear out of here. Nina Simone’s been with Paige and Maya for hours and they’re probably coming up with some rationale for a goat.”

  “No goats,” Andy said with alarm. “Absolutely no goats. I draw the line at chickens, that is the livestock limit.”

  “Yeah, you tell Paige
where I come from, we eat goats.” Victor watched Vicky and Sharon laugh. They headed out through the kitchen door to go collect their daughter. Andy and Victor cleared up, tidied the kitchen, then leaned on the counter and stared at each other. “On the one hand, I’m glad she wanted me. On the other hand, I’m like fuck.”

  “Exactly,” Andy said. “What if you decided you couldn’t stand being idle, and ran off to do that play in San Francisco?” Neither of their agents had stopped sending them things. “This last-minute shit isn’t going to fly. We pulled ‘Carlos Gardel’ together that way but only because we all knew it was fucking happening.”

  “Well, she knows we’re doing ‘Spy Games.’ She would know I wouldn’t ditch on you. But I’ll have a word with her. Remind her how far out we’ve got stuff scheduled.” Victor shifted closer, letting his body rest against Andy’s. “I love that you’re mad about it.” Andy huffed out a laugh. “I’ll find out what else she’s got going on with this thing. Remind her it’s the both of us, which means two schedules to work around.”

  “Remind her about that shared calendar. Sandesh and his tool kit.

  Imagine what a clusterfuck last year would have been without that.” Andy put an arm around Victor, kissed the side of his face. “I’m glad you’re getting to record that song again.”

  “Jesus, yes. Maybe she dropped the rap part.”

  “Jesus, yes.” They both snickered. “Let’s take Molly out, then take a nightcap upstairs.”

  “I’ve been wondering,” Victor said later. They were lying in bed, doing the unhurried cuddle thing that had gradually developed over the past few months. Andy had his head on Victor’s shoulder, an arm across his chest, and one leg between his husband’s. Sooner or later things were likely to develop; they nearly always did. But for now, it was another sweet quiet moment.

  “What have you been wondering, querido.”

  “When you did those photos for Tanith’s play. When we met. It never occurred to me that you lived at the Brewery. I figured she brought you out there because we already had the space.”