The Bad Boys of Assjacket: Magic and Mayhem Universe: Magic and Mayhem Book 9

by Robyn Peterman

  “Shrakullshiakum. Ashevebag dugainsakum ashiizz,” Fucking Derrick screamed as he ran out from behind the rock completely on fire.

  It was f-ing insane. Even the hogs were impressed.

  “What did he say?” I asked, dodging blow after blow. They were all now gunning for me since I had the nards in my mouth.

  “He said, bullshit. Seven against six,” Poutine yelled as she took a flying leap and attacked the groundhogs that were sneaking up on me from behind.

  “Fuckin’ Derrick,” I shouted. “Youse be careful, little man.”

  “Fucking Derrick guakun gulungrzag!” the troll grunted, running toward the smackdown like a well-aimed bullet shot straight from the bowels of hell.

  His mouth was wide open and his sharp little teeth glowed. The troll’s purple eyes were wild and his gauchos were flaming. It was like the best/worst B horror movie I’d ever seen. It was a truly gorgeous sight.

  “Did he say what I think he said?” I called out as I tried to dig Boba out of the hole while protecting the treasure in my mouth.

  “If you thought he said he was hungry, then yes,” Poutine answered as she and the girls clawed the groundhogs like there was no tomorrow.

  At this point, I wasn’t sure any of us would see tomorrow.

  “I hakovuth gorotu,” Fucking Derrick cried out. “Ushhiakun guakun guoum glogzag guriendakun.”

  “Take cover,” I commanded as I yanked Boba out of the hole by the scruff of his neck and got under a bush. “Fuckin’ Derrick is gonna have a snack.”

  “No f-in’ way,” Jango choked out as he covered the gals with his girthy frame. “Dat’s disgusting. Fuckin’ Derrick is the man!”

  What we saw, none of us would ever be able to speak about. It was the most horrifying display of a psychotic troll break that I’d ever witnessed. The groundhogs hadn’t even seen it coming.

  I mean, who would have seen that coming? The troll was tiny. The fact that he could actually ingest six large groundhog Shifters was beyond medical and scientific logic. But then again, magic defied logic and Fucking Derrick defied every law of nature on the books—magic or no.

  “Holy Goddess,” Poutine said with a wince as we watched Fucking Derrick do his thing.

  I really wanted to look away, but to honor the foul cannibalistic sacrifice the troll was making I kept my eyes on the debacle. “What did he say before he, umm… youse know…”

  Poutine gagged a bit then pulled herself together. “He said that he loves us and that this is for his friends.”

  Slapping my paw to my forehead, I sighed and tried not to puke. “Youse do realize weese are stuck with him forever now.”

  “Yep,” Poutine said. “Forever.”

  “Fat Bastard,” Fucking Derrick called out, covered from head to toe in groundhog blood and guts. “Shall I spare Goober or can I eat him?”

  “I will kill all of you,” Goober shouted, going for Fucking Derrick’s neck with his toxic claws extended. “Everyone dies today!”

  “Eat him,” I instructed. “He’s an asshole.”

  Fucking Derrick did as he was told.

  The troll was certifiable, but that was already a given.

  He was also the hero.

  And that would never be forgotten. The new Assjackian history journals would honor Fucking Derrick’s revolting sacrifice for the rest of time.

  Chapter Fifteen

  The streets of Assjacket were filled with humans mulling about. It was wrong on every level. The sun had barely risen, and the town was inundated with people who didn’t belong.

  “Act like cats,” I hissed as we moseyed down Main Street trying to avoid getting stepped on by curious and pushy humans. “Weese have to get to Sturgill fast. This is out of control.”

  Wanda had put out a closed sign on the diner, but it didn’t deter the humans from barging in and demanding service. Mac and Zelda looked exhausted and defeated as they stood in the middle of the street unsure what to do. Sassy and Jeeves had joined them and were as bewildered as my witch and her mate.

  “Weese need to tell Zelda dat weese got the balls,” Jango said, running interference so the dames didn’t get squished.

  “She don’t know about the significance of the nards,” I reminded him, as I weaved in and out of the humans. “Weese just need to glue dem back on and den explain.”

  “Roger dat,” Boba said, trying to hide the blood and guts covered Fucking Derrick behind him.

  The excitement of the humans ramped up as more arrived by the busload. They had no clue they were immersed in magic, but they knew something was very special about the small town. The situation was bad—very bad.

  “Should we poof to Sturgill?” Poutine asked, worried. “It could take an hour to get through this mess if we have to behave like regular cats.”

  “Too risky,” I said. “Weese gotta trot. Fuckin’ Derrick, get under Boba’s belly and hang on. Weese don’t want youse gettin’ spotted. Youse are kinda hard to explain.”

  “Not a problem, friend,” Fucking Derrick said as he barnacled his little body under Boba.

  “Dat tickles,” Boba said with a giggle.

  “Suck it up,” I told him. “Weese got some magical surgery to do and no time to lose.”

  Getting to Sturgill ended up being the easy part even though we’d all gotten stepped on multiple times. Repairing his junk was another matter altogether. I knew our actions might look a little iffy to the humans, but at this point we didn't have a choice.

  “We’re about to be discovered by humans, and you’re trying to superglue balls back on a statue?” Zelda demanded, pushing through the mass of people and catching us in the act.

  “Dollface, weese have an issue,” I said, sweating up a storm as the nards dropped to the ground for the tenth time.

  Nothing was working—not glue, not paste. We’d even tried chewed up bubble gum. The balls were not cooperating. It was a tragedy waiting to happen.

  “Women rub their eyes in the morning because they don’t have balls,” Fucking Derrick said from underneath Boba.

  “Who said that?” Zelda questioned, glancing around warily.

  “Fuckin’ Derrick,” I told her. “It’s a long story, but the little asshole saved the day. He’s socially unacceptable and has a few bad habits, but weese are his friends.”

  “Little confused here,” Zelda said as she was joined by Mac, Sassy and Jeeves. “Does Fucking Derrick know how to re-glamour Assjacket? And where is he? I can hear him but I can’t see him. Is he that tiny?”

  “Pleasure to make your acquaintance,” Fucking Derrick said, rolling out from underneath Boba.

  Zelda screamed and Sassy squealed in horror. Mac and Jeeves stared at the bloody little man with open mouths. I couldn’t blame them. The troll was a hot mess, but he was our hot mess and we were keeping him.

  “Fuckin’ Derrick is lookin’ a little rough at the moment,” I conceded, patting the tiny asshole on the head. “But as soon as weese clean him up and get him a new pair of gauchos, he’ll be as good as new.

  “Mmkay,” Zelda said, unconvinced. “Still not understanding why you’re trying to glue Sturgill’s privates back on.”

  “They’re the talisman,” Poutine explained. “The nuts are the keys to the magical glamour of Assjacket.”

  “Not sure how you reached that conclusion,” Zelda said, groaning as another bus load of humans arrived in town.

  “Excuse me,” a man said, barging into our conversation. “I’d like to buy the town. Do you know who I can talk to about that?”

  Zelda’s mouth dropped open, and she shoved her sparking hands into her pockets so she didn’t zap the man sky high. Mac, thinking quick on his feet, stepped between Zelda and the human.

  “The real estate office is about twenty miles down the road,” Mac told him. “You’ll have to walk. The road turns into a trail and a car won’t fit.”

  “Thank you!” the man said, wandering away. “I want to buy this place, tear it down and put up con
dos. I have a great feeling I could make a killing here—it’s got a real magical feel if you know what I mean.”

  “There’s no real estate office twenty miles away,” Sassy said, squinting at Mac.

  “Yep,” Mac replied. “I know.”

  “Ohhhhh!” Sassy slapped her forehead. “I get it.”

  “Weese need help,” I said, frantically trying to reattach the giggle nuggets. “Dem humans will go away if Sturgill gets his junk back.”

  Zelda was still perplexed. Grabbing the balls from my paws, she squatted down and looked me in the eye. “I can cast a spell. I really don’t want to do that with a human audience, but convince me why the nuts are the key.”

  Poutine moved to my side. “It’s in the Goddess’s message. She said the key to history was in the name. The name was Goober—he was one of the groundhogs who was in the pokey.”

  “Keep going,” Zelda said.

  Poutine nodded. I put my paw around her furry shoulders. My dame was amazing.

  “The answer to the riddle of why women rub their eyes in the morning is because they have no balls,” Poutine went on. “Like Sturgill.”

  “Fuckin’ Derrick helped us with dat one,” I chimed in.

  “Yes, I did,” Fucking Derrick said, pumping his tiny fists over his head.

  Zelda scrubbed her hands over her mouth and tried not to laugh at the troll. She glanced up at Mac who shrugged and shook his head.

  “Mmmkay,” Zelda said, covertly wiggling her fingers and removing the blood and guts from Fucking Derrick. “You’re beginning to persuade me, but there has to be more.”

  “There is,” Poutine explained. “The groundhogs stole the gangoolies, and Goober the groundhog is the one who stole the history—hence the key being in the name. He came back to steal the nards to take revenge on Assjacket for banishing him. We put two and two together and here we are.”

  “What about toilet paper being expensive?” Zelda asked, still not a hundred percent on board.

  “No clue on dat one, other dan it’s true. Ass paper is expensive,” I told her.

  “Surround Zelda, eh?” Sassy insisted, taking charge. “We can hide her while she casts a spell. I didn’t follow any of that, but I know aboot trust and I trust the cats.”

  I grinned at Sassy. She grinned right back.

  “Fine,” Zelda said, taking in the human chaos around us with a pained expression. “Desperate times occasionally call for possibly stupid measures, but I trust the cats as well.”

  Zelda took a deep breath, and we stayed close. Fucking Derrick hopped up on her shoulder much to Zelda’s horrified surprise, but she went with it. At least he wasn’t covered in guts anymore.

  “Is this completely necessary?” Zelda asked the troll.

  “Oh yes,” Fucking Derrick said with a giggle. “I shall watch to see if any humans observe what you are doing and, if so, I will eat them.”

  Zelda paled. “Someone tell me he’s joking.”

  No one said a word.

  “Alrighty then,” Zelda said with a gag. “Can I ask one more question?”

  “Shoot, dollface,” I told her.

  “What happened to the groundhogs?”

  Again, no one said a word. We all just glanced up at Fucking Derrick who patted his full belly and burped.

  Closing her eyes and groaning, Zelda gently plucked Fucking Derrick off her shoulder and put him on the ground. “There will be no eating humans. Am I clear? I will kick your little troll ass so hard, your sphincter will be lodged in your mouth for the rest of time. You feel me, Fucking Derrick?”

  “I do, O’ Great One. No eating humans. Got it,” Fucking Derrick said crossing his heart then hiding behind Jango Fett.

  My witch could instill terror in anyone, even a maniacal troll. Zelda was going to be a fantastic Baba Yaga when her time came.

  “Zelda,” Mac said in an urgent tone. “Cast the spell. We’re being overrun.”

  The humans were packing into Assjacket like tuna in a can. It was terrible. Zelda nodded and stayed low.

  “Goddess on high, please hear my call,

  Our problem today centers around a testicle ball.

  And yep, I realize you think I’m drunk,

  But my desperate plea is to repair Sturgill’s junk.

  The humans have come. The humans must go,

  Their presence in Assjacket is fucking up the magical flow.

  The end of enchantment draws near if we drop guard,

  Bless us with your grace and reattach the bear’s umm… nard.”

  “So mote it be,” Sassy whispered. “The f-bomb was inspired.”

  “Thank you,” Zelda said.

  The Goddess heard. In a gust of sparkling lavender-scented wind, the wrinkled stone grapes floated back to their rightful home. The humans grew confused and slowly began to leave the town. The buses filled and screeched away. The man looking to buy the town shook his head in disgust at the rundown appearance, got into his expensive car and left quickly. The Assjacket Diner emptied and humans literally ran away. It was a beautiful sight.

  And Sturgill?

  The half-headed cement bear had a smile on his face. And I swear the son of a bitch winked at me.

  “All’s well that ends well,” Zelda said, sitting down on the bench in front of Sturgill and watching the mass exodus of humans. “But I still don’t understand the part about toilet paper being expensive.”

  “I do,” Fucking Derrick announced, coming out from behind Jango’s ample ass with his hand raised politely.

  Zelda sighed and eyed the little freak with trepidation. “If it has to do with eating anyone, I don’t want to hear it.”

  Fucking Derrick laughed like Zelda had made the best joke ever. After three minutes and forty-two seconds of uncontrollable guffawing, the tiny asshole got ahold of himself. “Goober didn’t use the Assjacket history to wipe his ass. He sold the magical secrets and let everyone think he’d flushed it, so he wasn’t killed for being a traitor.”

  Mac growled and Zelda began to spark again. “So, someone else has the secrets to end the magical Universe?” she ground out.

  Poutine and the gals gasped. Jango chuckled and Boba shook his head. I simply grinned. That Goddess was a sneaky one.

  “Toilet paper is very expensive… according to the Goddess,” I reminded my witch.

  She rolled her eyes and laughed. “Unreal.”

  “What’s unreal?” Sassy asked, confused as usual. “I mean, I totally agree that toilet paper is expensive. My chipmunk sons go through so much, I made them start pooping in the woods and using leaves. It was out of control. I can’t even tell you how many potties have gotten backed up because of their healthy and enormous pooping habits. You’d think such small little guys wouldn’t be able to lay cable like they do.”

  “That was entirely TMI,” Zelda told Sassy.

  “Oops, my bad,” Sassy said with a giggle. “But I still don’t get it.”

  “May I?” I asked my witch.

  “You may,” Zelda replied.

  “Goober the cross-eyed jackhole sold the secrets to the Goddess—which is what she was tellin’ us in her cryptic way,” I explained to Sassy. “Dat groundhog was an evil dumbass.”

  “Glad I ate him,” Fucking Derrick chimed in.

  “Zip it,” Zelda warned.

  “Got it,” he replied, saluting Zelda.

  “So, no one else is comin’ to steal Sturgill’s gangoolies,” I said. “Weese have solved it with the help of some hot dames and a tiny maniac. The bear has his balls, and Assjacket is safe.”

  “This calls for some Canadian beer,” Sassy announced, waving her hand and conjuring up a full bar in the middle of Main Street.

  “Umm… it’s seven AM in the morning,” Zelda pointed out with a laugh.

  “But,” I said with a wide grin. “It’s five o’clock somewhere.”

  “Can’t argue that,” she agreed, popping a tab. “To Fat Bastard, Jango Fett, Boba Fett, Poutine, Annie Surely, Blythe a
nd… Fucking Derrick, who is now a vegetarian.”

  “I am?” Fucking Derrick asked.

  “You are,” Zelda informed him with a dangerously raised brow.

  “Got it!” he said. “Vegetarian.”

  I glanced around and smiled. Life was perfect. Sturgill had his nugs again. Assjacket was back to normal and the magic in the Universe was safe. But the very best part… was that the love of my life was by my side throwing back Canadian beer like it was water. My pride swelled. My dame could hold her booze.

  “Youse wanna go shoppin’ today?” I whispered, waggling my brows.

  “For what?” she asked, feigning boredom.

  I had the broad’s number. She might play like she didn’t give a crap, but the sparkle in her eyes gave her away.

  “For a rock.”

  “A huge one?” she inquired casually.

  “Massive,” I told her.

  “Enormous?”

  “Biggest youse have ever seen,” I promised.

  “Stolen?” she pressed.

  “Absolutely.” I knew I was supposed to be on the right side of the law this week, but Poutine’s happiness was worth losing a dare over.

  Poutine grinned and her fluffy tail twitched. It made my heart sing.

  “I’m in,” she said, tossing her beer in the trash and taking my paw in hers. “For the rest of my nine lives, I’m in.”

  More beautiful words had never been spoken. Looking up at the sky, I winked at the Goddess.

  “Thank youse,” I whispered. “Don’t know what a guy like me did to deserve a dame like her, but I promise to love her with all of my criminal heart.”

  The sun grew brighter in the sky and a shower of silver and lavender crystals rained down from the clouds. My friends and family danced in the magic.

  I was a bad boy. But sometimes even bad boys came out on top. Jango, Boba and me had been through a lot in our kitty lives, but we’d always had each other’s backs. Now we had friends, family, an asshole troll to take care of, and love.

  The Bad Boys of Assjacket had turned out just fine.

  Epilogue