by Lee Wardlow
I still said nothing. He smiled at me. Then his lips were on mine and any coherent thought went out of my head. We heard the car doors slamming shut in the drive and Cal scooted a little bit away from me, but he still held tight to my hand.
I don’t know what came over me. I wasn’t forward. I reached out and ran my fingers through his dark hair, letting the soft, strands glide through my fingertips. Cal glanced at me; eyes wide with surprise that I had been so bold. This girl was never bold.
He couldn’t say anything because Mom and Dad came through the door talking loudly like they wanted us to know they were home. Just in case. There was no just in case going on in here.
I breathed a heavy sigh and rolled my eyes at Cal. We pretended we had done nothing but watched movies since arriving here an hour earlier. I was tucked into the corner of the sofa, my knees drawn up to my chest. My hand resting in Cal’s on his thigh. Perfectly innocent.
“Hi kids.” Mom used her sweeter than sweet voice. Shit wouldn’t melt on her tongue.
“Hi Mom,” I replied.
“Dad and I are tired so we’re heading off to bed now.”
“Okay, see you in the morning,” I responded trying to keep the irritation out of my tone. “Night Dad.” I knew he was lurking in the hall waiting on Mom.
“Night Abs.”
I knew right where he would be.
Mom left the family room. The lights were turned low. We watched a movie for a while. Then Cal moved closer to me snuggling me with his head on my chest, his legs stretched out in front of him.
I held him for a change. I liked how he smelled. How he felt. His warmth against my own body. He glanced over his shoulder a time or two and caught me checking him out.
“What’s going on Abby?”
“What do you mean?”
“What’s going on inside your head?” He said. “I want to understand you.”
He really didn’t. So many thoughts. Mixed up and confused. Concerned because I didn’t have any experience with boys. I tried explaining to Cal how I felt growing up lost inside my shell afraid of the world. How Ty spoke for me on so many occasions because I was so shy. He turned and was on his side now, facing me.
His face was showing interest. His eyes focused on me. Cal was no longer watching the movie. Neither was I. It wasn’t often that I talked about the past. My past. How afraid I was of life. Of being me.
His hand reached up and caressed my face. “I like you just the way you are,” Cal declared.
I felt comfortable with Cal. He was making me feel that way. So much so that I touched his jaw, rough with whiskers. A lot for a seventeen-year-old. He smiled at me.
“Tell me more about Abby Gardener,” he said.
I snorted. “There isn’t much to tell. I read and I study.”
“I know there is more to you than just that.”
There was. I wrote stories and poems. I put in them the things that I couldn’t always say out loud. The things that I couldn’t tell even Tyson. I told Cal about them though. The poems that weren’t meant for anyone else to read. My private thoughts. My pain.
“What pain Abby?” He asked interrupting me.
“Being Tyson’s twin. Being ignored.” I couldn’t meet Cal’s eyes. “Being plain while he was so popular and beautiful.”
He chuckled at me. “I don’t think Tyson would appreciate being called beautiful. Abby you are gorgeous even with those glasses you use to hide behind.”
My eyes shot up to his face. “How do you know that’s why I like them?” I asked staring at Cal.
“I have a sister like you. Shy. Doesn’t talk much. She’s the third oldest. I have you all figured out, Abby. I have a lot of experience with women.”
“You do.” I wasn’t sure what he was saying. Although, I thought he was way more experienced than me.
He touched my cheek and smiled at me. “Not that, Abby although I have…you know…have you?” He asked.
“Had sex?” I asked hearing my voice rise in octave because I was embarrassed.
He nodded.
“Oh, hell no,” I said in a rush of words so fast they made his head spin I was sure. He chuckled at me. “How old were you?” I asked.
“Fifteen. Didn’t mean anything. Didn’t last long enough to be enjoyable. Probably won’t do it again until I’m with someone I care about.”
“What was it like?” I asked breathlessly. My face flushed when he laughed at me.
“That is something you should probably ask a girl not a guy.”
He tugged me down until our bodies were flush with each other. Then he wrapped his arm around me. That was all. He didn’t touch me anywhere. Cal just held me. “I like holding you, Abby.”
I liked it too.
Cal scooted onto his back and tucked me into his side. We were comfortable. Way too comfortable because we both fell asleep wrapped in each other’s arms on the sofa, in the family room of my parent’s house.
That is where Tyson found us at midnight when he came home from Mac’s. Better Tyson than my Dad. I felt a flick on my ear. I swatted at the offending thing pestering me. I felt another flick that hurt worse than the first. I bolted upright and looked around. I had to push my hair back to see my brother sitting on the coffee table.
“Asshole,” I snapped at him.
“I could have left you and sleeping beauty there all night for Dad to find in the morning,” he said.
“Funny,” Cal informed him. He stretched and yawned. “What time is it?” He asked.
“One,” he said. “I thought you two were coming to Mac’s?”
“I decided I wanted to just stay home.” He sat up and showed Tyson his side where he had taken the tackle in the kidney. It was more bruised than when he showed me earlier tonight.
My brother whistled. “That looks bad Cal. You might need to get that checked out.”
“I’m fine,” he grumbled.
It did look bad. He took my hand and tugged me up. “Walk me outside,” he said not giving me a choice.
At the driver’s door, Cal tugged me into his arms. “You’re my girl, right Abby? I don’t even have to ask that do I? You wouldn’t turn down an offer like that from Cal Cooper.” Then he grinned and I could see those dimples and his eyes dancing in his face, only because we still had moonlight.
I didn’t know what it meant to be anyone’s girl. He swooped in and kissed me, leaving me breathless. Then Cal moved away leaving me wanting more of those kisses. I opened my eyes. He was smiling at me. “I should get home.”
I nodded.
“See you tomorrow night?”
“Okay,” I replied.
“A real date,” he said.
I had never been on a date before. “What time?”
“Movie at seven? Dinner afterwards,” he suggested.
“Okay.”
He caressed my face then he climbed in his car. “Talk to you tomorrow,” he said.
I could only nod at Cal. I felt overwhelmed. Speechless. Scared out of my Vans if I had them on right now but I had left them by the sofa.
I hadn’t figured Cal out yet. He was charming and almost too good to be real. I watched him pull out of the driveway. In the street he waved to me. I smiled and waved and stood there for the longest time wondering why me? Why had Cal latched onto me?
I was unnerved. Cal was hot. Broad shouldered. Great hair. Pretty brown eyes. A great kisser, not that I had much to compare to. Cal was hot, I said that already. I might not be as plain as I wanted to believe I was, but I wasn’t Cal material either.
I screamed when Tyson grabbed me around the waist and whispered boo in my ear. I whirled around swinging at his head. He was having trouble defending himself he was laughing so hard.
Mom opened her bedroom window and whisper shouted at us to stop making racket. Then she slammed the window down.
“Mooning over Cal leaving,” he teased then my brother leaned against Dad’s car.
“Contemplating,” I corrected him.
>
His face scrunched up as he contemplated my response. “What the heck does that mean?”
I told Tyson how I felt. I liked Cal. A lot. I didn’t go into details. He wouldn’t want to hear how I liked kissing the tight end on his football team. There were boundaries that even a brother had when it came to his sister.
I needed a girlfriend and Tyson wasn’t it.
“So, what’s the problem?” He asked. His arms were crossed over his chest. This stance I had seen many times. He was bored with me. He didn’t want to be troubled with my love life, standing on the driveway with the mosquitoes biting our faces.
“I’ve never had a boyfriend, Ty. He asked me to be his girl. What does that mean?”
He pulled himself away from the car and guided me into the house. “Relax. I think Cal is a pretty, nice guy. Full of himself but I think he likes you. If he hurts you, I’ll hurt him.”
That was neither comforting nor what I needed to hear right now.
Chapter 8
Saturday, I didn’t know what to do with myself until time for my date with Cal. Mom knew what to do to keep me busy. She put me to work.
At four, I received a phone call from Aiden advising me that Cal was breaking our date for tonight. No explanation. Just couldn’t make it. “Sorry about your luck.” Then he hung up.
I was crushed. I went to my room which was fine with Mom. She and Dad were going to a charity even that Dad had been invited to. Tyson had plans with some guys from school.
He knocked on my door then marched into my room before I could respond with the, come in that was on the tip of my tongue. I glanced up at Ty who was standing at the foot of my bed. My blankets were scattered across the queen-sized bed.
“What?”
“Want to go to the mall with me and the guys?”
That sounded like a blast. “Nope, I’m good.” I glanced down at my laptop where I was writing a new chapter, contemplating murdering my main male character. The only retaliation I had to ease the pain in my heart right now. I kept telling myself how ridiculous it was to feel this way when Cal and I had one date.
“You sure?”
“Go,” I told Tyson.
I would be fine by myself. I was better alone because then I could write. Tyson still hesitated, unsure if he should leave me alone. I laid my laptop so the side, got out of bed and pushed him out of my room.
“Go and have fun. I’m fine.”
I went to the bathroom before heading back to my bed to seek solace in my words. I gazed at myself in the mirror while I washed my hands. Pushed my glasses up my nose, causing water to drip on my chin. I wiped it away with the sleeve of my shirt.
I stood there gazing at myself. Why would he want me? I was just the nerdy girl. I laid my glasses on the counter and could only see the fuzzy outline of my face. I liked it better not being able to see myself.
Then I turned off the water and went to the bedroom where I cuddled up with my laptop writing for hours until my fingers ached and were stiff.
I sat the laptop on the bed and headed downstairs to the kitchen to look for something to eat. I popped a tv dinner in the microwave and sat on one of the barstools to wait. Five minutes seemed like an eternity.
The silence of the house was deafening. I went to the drawer to get my silverware and accidentally cut myself on a knife. I sucked on my bleeding finger then I looked at it remember a time when the thought of seeing a tiny line of blood meant something else to me.
I pulled up my sleeve and gazed at the tiny, white lines, barely visible now to anyone looking at my arm. I chewed on my lower lip. I would not do this again, I repeated in my head until I had convinced myself it was true.
My heart pounded against my chest. I hadn’t cut myself in over two years until we moved here. I hadn’t wanted to hurt myself in a long time until Dad made the decision to take a new job in a new town. I chewed and chewed on the inside of my cheek hoping that would be enough.
“What are you doing?”
I whirled around, knife in hand and stared at my brother standing in the doorway with Cal. My eyes widened at the sight of them.
“Nothing.”
“No, Abby, what are you doing?” Tyson asked me again. He knew once what I had done to myself.
“Not what you think,” I snapped. I wanted him to stop. I didn’t want to explain to Cal what we were talking about.
I glanced at the microwave watching the red numbers tick down second by second. Too slowly. Tyson advanced on me. Cal didn’t know what to say. He didn’t understand what was going on between me and my brother. I tried to avoid Ty, but he was bigger and stronger. He grabbed my arm and looked at it closely.
“I told you,” I hissed.
“I heard you,” he snapped back at me. “I had to be sure.”
He threw my arm away from me. I was mortified that Cal had witnessed this. I could taste blood in my mouth from chewing on my cheek. I glared at Tyson with tears threatening to fall from my eyes.
I ran past him. Cal called my name, but I ignored him. He knew or could guess my secret. If he didn’t know, he would be asking, and I didn’t want to face him right now.
I took the steps two at a time and ran to my bedroom, slamming the door behind me. I went straight to the window seat where a stuffed teddy I had held onto as a child was sitting waiting on me. I squeezed it tight against my chest and laid my head against the cool pane of glass.
I closed my eyes, shutting out the world. I didn’t want Cal or anyone else to see how fragile I really was. At times, I felt like I was on the edge of falling off a cliff. Scared of life. Scared of myself most of all.
Afraid I would cut myself again.
I didn’t hear him come into my room. He shouldn’t be here. My parents wouldn’t like it but here he was. I felt him before I opened my eyes and saw him.
I felt his fingers lacing through mine. “What do you want?” I asked Cal.
“I wanted to see you.”
“You broke our date. Aiden called me. So sorry about your luck,” I repeated his words that he had said to me. Then I opened my eyes and looked at Cal.
“Abby, my sister was expecting a baby. She lost it today. She and her fiancé are really upset. So is my mom. Mom tried to tell Rhonda she could always have more kids, but she didn’t want to hear that. I drove Mom to the hospital and home. I just got home fifteen minutes ago, called Tyson because you weren’t answering your phone,” Cal explained. “He told me you were pretty upset with me.”
I wrapped my arms around Cal’s neck holding him close. Teddy hit the floor unnoticed for now. His arms went around my waist. I could feel his breath on my neck. His lips touched where his breath had been. Then he pushed me back.
Cal picked up my arm. I tried to pull back. He wouldn’t let me. His finger traced the faint white lines where I had cut myself. The lines that my parents didn’t know about.
“Abby, why?” He asked.
I didn’t say anything. I didn’t know what to say. How to explain why I did what I did. I was so young. Fifth, sixth and part of seventh grade. Tyson stopped me for a while. I was somewhat surprised that I hadn’t started doing it again when he became so distant with me. Only when we moved did I fall back into my old ways. Cutting myself in places that Tyson wouldn’t see.
Cal held tightly to my arm. “You aren’t still doing this are you?”
I knew there were a few lines on my thighs, hidden where no one would see. A moment of desperation that relieved my anxiety about moving to this new town. I shook my head no.
His eyes were so intense gazing at me that I wanted to look away. I could tell he didn’t believe me. “Don’t do it again.”
I glanced at Cal. If only it were as easy as someone saying don’t. If only it were as easy as saying don’t feel what you feel, and I could follow their direction.
“Blythe was supposed to call you and tell you what happened if I didn’t get home in time. She couldn’t find your number that I left for her. So, she called Aiden
and asked him to call you and explain I would be late not canceling our date.” He held my hands firm in his. “I couldn’t figure out why you weren’t answering my call until I spoke to Ty.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“It does to me. Aiden is supposed to be my friend.”
“He is,” I argued. I didn’t want to be the cause of the two of them disagreeing more than they were.
Cal shook his head like he disagreed. “I don’t know why he did this, but I will talk to him tomorrow. Tonight, I just wanted to be with you, Abby.”
We settled on the window seat in my bedroom, staring outside. Not really talking because both of us had a difficult night.
When it started to rain, the drops made a beautiful, peaceful sound against the windowpane. I rested my head against Cal’s shoulder and watched the images on the road blur in front of me as the rain came down harder.
His lips on my cheek startled me. I turned my head towards Cal only to have his kiss on my mouth. This kiss grew in intensity until I had to pull back afraid of my feelings.
Cal looked at me. His eyes never wavered. “I’ve never felt this way, Abby.”
“I’ve never had the chance to feel this way, Cal. You’re the first boyfriend I’ve ever had.”
He kissed me again. A gentle sweet kiss. “I’m glad,” he whispered. Then he smiled at me. “I’m happy you’re my girl.” Then he kissed me again. “You’re not mad at me anymore?”
“I was hurt. I thought you stood me up.”
He hugged me to him. “I wouldn’t do that.” Cal leaned back into the nook and took me with him. His arm wrapped around my waist holding me against him.
I enjoyed the peace and quiet, just being held against his chest. We weren’t speaking, lost in our thoughts. Finally, I asked if his sister was okay.
“She’s pretty upset but I guess she’ll be okay.”
I couldn’t imagine. As a kid. I didn’t think about those things. I wanted kids someday. A long time from now. In my thirties, maybe? I wanted to live first. Travel and do things. I wanted to find myself and come out of my shell. Somehow, someway. I thought college would be the first step for me to grow and become the woman I wanted to be.