Fourth a Lie (Goddess Isles, #4)

by Winters, Pepper

  “STOP STRESSING, JINX. I’m sure he’ll be back soon, and everything will be fine.”

  I ceased shredding the napkin from our untouched dinner, eyeing Jealousy. “He should have returned by now.”

  Unless what he’s dealing with is so, so much worse than I feared.

  I’d had no appetite all day, my stomach a riot of serrated knots whenever I thought of Sully and whatever carnage he’d faced.

  Are those animals okay?

  I couldn’t shed the awful, awful feeling that we were over.

  That Sully would be reminded of far too many things.

  That he’d push me away before I could solidify just how important this was.

  We were.

  Yes, disaster had come.

  And yes, things would need to be addressed.

  But...unless he trusted me to have his back, trusted that I would be strong enough to put up with his stony silences born from grief and his explosive temper birthed from rage, then I had the tear-evoking sensation that my time here was borrowed.

  I gnawed on the inside of my cheek. I had a cut there now. A cut that bled each time I nibbled because physical pain was the only distraction that worked against my emotional pain.

  God, Sully.

  His creatures...

  My heart panged, filling me with fear all over again.

  Was he okay?

  What had he seen?

  What nightmares now existed in that perfect, wonderful sanctuary?

  I rubbed at the emptiness in my chest, agony swift and sharp cutting me right down the middle.

  How many lives have been lost?

  What sort of state will he be in when he finally returns?

  Would he let me touch him? Soothe him? Hug him?

  Would he share his exhaustion and emotional grief...or would he want nothing to do with me?

  Once again, that sickening feeling that Sully would push me away rose with acidic bile. We’d admitted we were in love with each other, but that was just the tip of a very big iceberg to melt.

  Right now, love was an idea, a promise, a word.

  It could be snatched away as quickly as we’d conjured it.

  Falling in love was the painful part.

  It required the systematic stripping of who you were as an individual, a raw newness, and a terrifying look in the mirror that forced you to realise that the person you thought you were—the person you’d grown into on your own, without interference of another—wasn’t who you were, after all.

  The lies we’d fed ourselves. The tricks we’d used to deceive. The motives and methods to get through life were suddenly obsolete in the face of the one person who transcended all other people.

  I supposed my young age permitted me to accept my evolution easily. I allowed the metamorphism to flow from girl to goddess to woman in love with a monster because I’d never truly grown to know myself. My youth kept me pliant for my truth.

  But Sully...

  He hadn’t accepted me as easily. He had eleven years on me. That was eleven more years to build up his walls, smash down his bridges, and create an illusion that wasn’t Euphoria-given but entirely of his own creation.

  He saw himself as cruel and unyielding, severe and grim.

  I saw him as gentle and forgiving, strict and generous.

  Dark and light. Light and dark.

  Two elements that cancelled each other out.

  Just as he’ll cancel me out if that darkness has smothered him again.

  My shoulders rolled as I pushed away my untouched dinner.

  Jealousy gave me a sad smile, her eyes glowing with sympathetic friendship. “It will be okay. It has to be. It’s Sully.”

  I nodded and kept my fears quiet.

  She reached across the table and squeezed my hand. Skittles chirped from my shoulder, eyeballing Jealousy’s right to touch me. I got her possessiveness. I felt the same way about Skittles.

  Jealousy patted my knuckles. “Don’t just nod. Believe it.”

  I forced a smile. I’d never been one for casual touch between girls. I’d returned a hug if a school friend gave one, but I wasn’t the instigator. However, Jealousy’s touch was genuine and fierce; a bond that’d sprung swiftly but seemed solid.

  I sighed, my belly once again squeezing with pain. My friendship with Jealousy was easier than my love with Sully.

  I trusted that Jealousy would talk to me if I ever upset her. That we’d have an open dialogue if things got hard.

  Sully...I think he’ll act first, then regret.

  He won’t trust in me.

  Trust...

  Sully’s hardest-earned gift.

  I’d proven that I was trustworthy. That it was him I loved—the soul that resided in his handsome form—and not the pretty packaging he seemed to have contempt for.

  But what it if wasn’t enough?

  If Serigala had been destroyed...would he still have a heart to give me?

  If all those defenceless rescues who were alive because of him were dead...what would that do to him?

  It tore out my heart, let alone his.

  Would he return, still trusting we could be happy, or would death remind him that all connection was so fleeting? Death was the one thing he could trust in, and it might prove to be too much.

  Because, regardless if we wanted it or not...we were linked now. If he hurt, I hurt. If I hurt, he hurt. We’d just doomed ourselves to a lifetime of pain instead of pleasure.

  Ugh.

  I dropped my face into my hands, shaking a little.

  Please, come back.

  Please, still trust me.

  Please, please don’t push me away.

  Jealousy reached under the table and squeezed my knee. “Hey, stop it. Stop thinking about the bad and focus on the good. It’s going to be fine. He’ll come back and things might be a little...aggressive...for a while, but then he’ll be yours again.”

  I dug my fingers into my eyes, then swiped at my cheeks before I let my hands fall heavily into my lap. “I wish it were that easy.”

  “It will be.” She patted my leg before withdrawing. “Just don’t let him go all macho moron on you. If you feel him pulling away, just remind him that it’s too late for that now.”

  “Too late to end things?”

  “Too late not to be broken if he does.”

  I sighed heavily. “I truly hope Serigala and all its animals are okay. Maybe the treeline just caught fire. Maybe it only took them an hour to stop, and he’s stayed there all day because he has a heart of gold and wanted to lavish his rescues with affection.”

  That would be more believable if I couldn’t smell the carnage from here.

  Jealousy’s smile was unconvincing. “Yeah, maybe.”

  I glowered at the table, wishing I had some means to chase after him. I’d attempted to coax a guard into driving the speedboat there at lunchtime, but everything was on lockdown. The goddesses commanded to stay in their villas while the guests were requested to relax away from the main shore.

  Skittles chirped softly, tucking her tiny feathery body in the crook of my neck and nuzzling my throat. Her sweet affection brought tears to my eyes. Pika sat on a lamp by the sliding doors leading to the deck, his wings slumped and grief evident in his black eyes as he waited for Sully.

  He hadn’t left his perch since Jealousy guided me from the beach and back to her villa, a few private beaches down from mine. She’d changed from her pyjamas into a lacy skirt and top, and allowed me to freshen up in her bathroom, then borrow a black sundress.

  The remains of our unwanted dinner scattered between us. Seemed neither of us had the appetite to eat while the scent of charred flesh and fur coated the entire island.

  Sully.

  No matter what topic that popped into my mind, my heart immediately dragged it back to him. Almost as if my pining was a physical entity in the room, Pika squeaked pathetically from his lamp.

  “Come here, little terror.” I held up my finger.

  H
e chirped once, then fluttered to me, ignoring my finger and landing next to his feathered sister, jostling her on my shoulder.

  They squabbled for a second until Skittles accepted his presence and began to preen him. Almost as if she sensed Pika was suffering while Sully was gone.

  Empathy from a tiny bird.

  Compassion between two creatures.

  Two emotions that could cause such pain to the affected and the ones who loved them.

  Focusing on the claws of two tiny parrots digging into my skin, I asked softly, “Do you think he’s okay?” Such a generic question. A question that couldn’t be answered.

  Jealousy scrubbed her face, then dragged her fingers through her blonde hair. Her attempt at consoling me stuttered a little as her hazel eyes caught mine with stark truth. “Are any of us truly okay?”

  I slouched. “Do you have to be so frank?” I sighed with a weak smile. “I would’ve preferred the customary, ‘He’ll be fine. You’re overthinking it. He’ll be home soon and everything will be normal.’”

  “I tried that. It’s not helping. You just mope harder.”

  “Sorry.”

  Silence fell, a third dinner guest who seemed to monopolise our conversation thanks to my obsession with what Sully was facing.

  Skittles decided she’d had enough of her brother and flittered from my shoulder, picking her way through the unwanted meal, helping herself to a few grains of jasmine rice.

  While Jealousy watched the tiny green, white, and apricot parrot, she murmured, “How many times have you had elixir now?”

  I frowned, slightly afraid of the swift topic change. “Uh, three. Why?”

  “Just wondering.” She hugged herself, rubbing her palms up and down her arms.

  “Wondering what?” I sat forward in my chair, grateful for Skittles as she provided somewhere to look rather than each other. Pika left my shoulder, flying back to his place on the lamp, staring out to sea.

  Jealousy didn’t glance up, almost as if she didn’t feel comfortable admitting whatever she was about to. “Did it ever make you...sick?”

  I sat taller. “Why...has it made you sick?”

  She finally met my stare. “Can you answer my question first?”

  I shrugged. “I fainted the morning after my first dose. I’ve never fainted before or since. But I think that was more due to the fact I hadn’t eaten in over twenty-four hours rather than—”

  “Have you felt weak?”

  “Well, of course. Each time I wake up the next morning, I’m bruised and battered and it’s a mammoth task to drag myself out of bed.” I chewed my cheek, drawing more blood from my nervous, nibbled cut.

  Should I admit it?

  Should I tell her how Sully reacted to elixir?

  If it was any other person, I wouldn’t, but...Jealousy had earned my trust. “Even Sully passed out cold after his introduction to it. He almost drowned in Nirvana...far too focused on sex and forgot he needed air to breathe.”

  Her eyes narrowed. “Did he admit he felt totally out of it? Does he finally understand how dangerously strong it is?”

  “He definitely endured the effects.” I studied her, sensing something way more serious than she let on. “How come? Everything okay?”

  Jealousy shook her head as Skittles continued her forage across the table, stealing a piece of wilted spinach. “I’ve lost count how many times I’ve taken it. For the longest time, I bounced back with no problem. Sure, I’d feel like shit the next morning, but my system always figured out how to reset itself.” She sighed. “But recently...I can’t fully shed its control. My resting heart rate is stupidly high. I regularly have palpitation attacks that can last over an hour. My limbs constantly buzz as if I have adrenaline running in my blood. I just think it’s playing havoc with my inner chemicals.”

  I clasped my hands on the table. “Have you spoken to Sully about this?”

  “Not directly to him no. I have had a check-up with Dr Campbell, though.”

  “And?”

  “And...he’s worried. He’s never liked elixir. Always said it was too strong and that it will end up killing one of us these days.” She smiled sadly as Skittles hopped onto her fork, pecking at a piece of discarded cantaloupe. “Ah well, I’m sure I’ll be fine. It’s just stress.”

  “Stress? Are you having second thoughts about staying? Do you want to leave, after all?”

  She shook her head. “Oh, God, no. I never want to live anywhere else. My ultimate dream would be to run this place. Maybe find someone who doesn’t just want me for my body, and make Sully hire goddesses who have free will, instead of buying and trapping them. I’m glad he released Jupiter, Nep, and Calico. What they did to you is unforgivable, but also understandable when pushed to the brink of their tolerances. They’re free now...but we aren’t. Neither are the others who are still serving...and the ones he’ll buy in the future.”

  I wanted to agree with her. To nod and forge ahead with sisterhood power—to revolutionise Sully’s empire. However...my loyalties were also to Sully. Yes, he did bad things because he used the same rules against humans that we had for animals. And yes, he seemed to have no qualms about feeding us elixir and throwing us at the mercy of men for money. But...beneath those flaws, he cared enough that he deserved my fidelity. “I’m sure things will evolve for the better.”

  Unless Serigala is blown up.

  If it had...then things might evolve for the worst.

  “You’re right.” Jealousy looked up just as Skittles flew to my shoulder, squawking and hopping up and down. Pika let out a relieved trill, interspersed with excited squeaks, and shot like a green arrow down the night-shrouded beach.

  Our eyes locked.

  Hope exploded.

  He’s back!

  Chapter Three

  OF COURSE, SHE WAS there, waiting for me with imploring eyes, eager arms, and tangible fucking love.

  Of course, she ran down the beach with my two parrots flying beside her, and leaped fearlessly into my arms.

  Of course, she hugged a fucking monster who only had murder on his mind. A man covered in blood and brain, decorated with fur and charred flesh. A man who reeked of death and wore the cloak of the Grim Reaper himself, ready to repay the dismembered body parts to his brother.

  But...

  Her touch.

  Her scent.

  Her warmth.

  It broke me.

  Motherfucking broke me because I’d been so steadfast in my conviction. So black and white with my choice to send her away...for good.

  She was too breakable in my current condition.

  She was too much for me to survive.

  But...

  How?

  How the fuck was I supposed to say goodbye?

  She’ll die if she stays.

  By your hand or his.

  I flinched at the agonising reminder. I jerked at my repeating nightmare.

  “Everything you love dies, Sinclair. Everything you treasure is gone. That’s your true curse. The one you can never run from.”

  Fuck, it made me angry.

  Angrier than all my animals being blown to smithereens.

  It made me rage worse than ever before because love was supposed to be the miracle of life. The one thing everyone chased relentlessly. The hardwired, unavoidable quest for a mate.

  I’d found mine.

  I knew the value of what I held.

  I craved her kiss like a worthless addict.

  I want to keep her.

  But...

  Her love made me weak.

  My love made me powerless.

  She was the catalyst of my ruin.

  And that could never happen.

  “Sully...please, hug me back.” Her face pressed into my t-shirt that’d soaked up the lives of so many carnivores, herbivores, and innocence. She willingly shared the pyre my body had become, trying to offer me solace.

  Her love threatened to create another form of weakness. The urge to buckle in the sand an
d allow her to soothe away the decay in my nose and the carnage in my mind.

  I wanted to strip her, fill her, love her until I’d driven out the memories.

  But that was selfish.

  Once again proving me unworthy because when the time came for me to stand up for my creatures, I turned greedy just like any man.

  “Let go of me, Jinx.” My voice betrayed me. Curt and full of glass, my heartbreak crystal shards by my feet.

  She shook her head, her gorgeous chocolate hair sticking to dried sinew and slaughter. “Don’t do this, Sully. Please, don’t.”

  How did she know?

  How had she figured me out so quickly, accepted me so unconditionally, prepared to battle with me so fiercely?

  I stiffened.

  My mask threatened to slip. A mask that’d been firmly positioned to hide my trauma of Serigala, my hate of mankind, and my love for a goddess who’d broken me.

  My arms twitched to claim her.

  My tongue teased with the vow that whatever happened, I wouldn’t end what we’d found.

  I would keep her.

  Forever.

  Because I was desperate for the peace she could offer me.

  But my peace would come at a price.

  And I’d just spent my day shovelling up the remains of those who believed my affection came without strings.

  I clenched my teeth; my gruesome, filthy hands rose and latched around her shoulders.

  I pushed her away from me.

  I stared into her graceful grey gaze, and I prepared to destroy the final thing that kept me human.

  “This is goodbye, Eleanor—”

  Chapter Four

  I KISSED HIM.

  I fought against his hold, tripped into his body, and smashed my lips to his.

  If he couldn’t say it...it wouldn’t come true.

  If I prevented him from saying goodbye...he couldn’t end it.

  My heart had punctured with a million tiny holes for every second I’d run to him, found him, and threw myself into his un-returned embrace. It was no longer whole but bleeding and weeping, filling the divots in the sand by our feet with bright scarlet grief.

  Time was my enemy.

  Fate was my prosecutor.

  And Sully...he wielded the axe to kill all my dreams, desires, and dreadful premonitions.

  I’d known he’d do this.