by W Winters
It’s silent as I pick up the phone, barely breathing, and quickly message Daniel. Are you here now?
It was a long time ago. I promise you. I wasn’t well. I’m sorry.
I stare at his answer, feeling a chill flow over my skin and the hairs on the back of my neck raise.
So it’s not you? I will myself to keep my eyes on the hallway, my back to the counter as I type. I can barely breathe.
Someone there?
I don’t answer him and a series of texts come through. Ping. Ping. Ping. Each another sound that echoes down the hall.
Without looking at the messages I text, I’m fine.
His answer comes through before I look back to the hall. I’m coming over.
At his response I push forward, forcing myself to walk down the hall and to the loft bedroom. There’s only one door and I push it open, telling myself it’s nothing as the phone pings in my hand again.
It pings again as I take in the bedroom, cautiously stepping forward until I see a picture has fallen from the collage on the far side of the room.
My phone pings a third time and I can finally breathe. It’s only a photo that’s fallen.
I read his latest text and roll my eyes. Answer me.
My heart nearly jumps out of my chest as the phone rings and I drop it on the floor. It takes the entire time it’s ringing for me to catch my breath and when I do I pick up the phone to text him. It was only a picture falling.
I’m on my way.
Don’t come here, I text back while I’m still on the floor and I hope he can feel the anger that’s still there. I add, I don’t want you here.
It hurts me to tell him that. Partly because it’s a lie. It hasn’t even been twenty-four hours and I can already see myself forgiving him.
Addison please. Don’t shut me out.
It took us long enough to admit what we needed.
I miss you. I need you.
If you’re scared I need to be there.
With the fear and regret and everything else that’s tortured me today, I just want to give in to him after reading his rapid-fire texts. But I won’t.
I just need sleep, I reply and then add, Don’t come.
Please forgive me, he finally texts and I can’t respond right now, so I shut the phone off and fall onto the bed. I don’t know how long I stare at the wall or at what point I decide I have enough energy to clean up the fallen picture, but I know it’s longer than I’d like.
The command tape is stuck to the wall this time. I swear I’ll never use it again.
Just like I’ll never let myself give in to Daniel again.
Some people you’re meant to miss.
They’re just no good for you.
I think the words, but I don’t know if I really feel them.
With that thought in mind I move to where the picture frame lays facedown on the ground and lift it carefully. Luckily there’s no broken glass.
I almost feel okay as I turn it over to inspect the frame.
But then I see the picture that fell. One I took myself, five years ago.
A still life of Tyler’s rusty old truck.
And that’s when I lose it all over again. I’m forced to come to terms with the fact that some wounds never heal. And they aren’t meant to be forgotten.
Chapter 24
Daniel
* * *
The phone rings and rings as I throw a zipped up bag into the corner with the rest of the luggage. I’ve packed light for years, but it’s never bothered me before.
Looking at the small pile that comprises everything I own, I’ve never felt so worthless. Or so tired. I didn’t sleep at all.
The phone goes silent and instead of calling Addison again, I scroll to Carter’s number and call him. I could easily text him to let him know I’m on my way, but I don’t want to. I want him to hear the defeat in my voice. And I need to talk to someone. Someone real. I’m losing everything, slowly feeling it drain from me.
I need someone. Desperately. I stayed awake outside Addison’s apartment all night. I had to make sure she was okay. But time doesn’t wait, and I had to pack … and now I have to leave.
It only rings twice before he picks up, greeting me with my name although it comes out as a question. And I know why he’d be confused to see I’m calling him.
I don’t call anyone ever. I don’t care to talk to him or any of my brothers, and they’re the only ones alive I love. My brothers and Addison.
“Do you miss him?” I ask Carter without prefacing my question. “Not like Mom and Dad, where we knew it was coming and it made sense.” Carter tries to talk on the other end of the line, but I keep going, pinching the bridge of my nose and sitting on the end of the bed. It protests with my weight. “The kind of missing someone where it feels better to pretend they’re coming back? The kind of missing where you talk to them like they can hear you and it makes you feel better?” I know why I don’t go home. It’s because he’s there in my head. I know what home is, and he’s there. I refuse to accept otherwise. I can’t.
I tell him I’m sorry every time I’m reminded of him. I hate going south, too many old trucks. I could never tell the difference, but they were Tyler’s thing. He was an old soul like that.
“Every day,” Carter says as I sit there quietly.
“I did something,” I start to confess to Carter but stop myself. I’m too ashamed, so I settle on something else. “I ran into Addison.” Her name leaves me in a rush, taking all the air in my lungs with it.
“Tyler’s Addison? That’s what brought this up?” he questions me and I nod my head like an ass, as if he can see.
“Yeah,” I almost repeat, Tyler’s Addison. But she never belonged to him. As much as I love him, she was always mine. Maybe he was meant to be her first, but I’ll be her last. My throat tightens and my heart hammers in my chest. She’s not his anymore. She’s mine. And telling Carter feels like a betrayal of the worst kind. It feels like I’m telling Tyler. And as much as I thought it would be easy to admit it, I don’t want them to hate me. They have to understand.
“And?” Carter presses and I’m not sure where to begin.
“When I left … after Tyler died five years ago … when I left you and the family, I followed her.” The words spill from me. “Watching her cry made me feel normal. She gave me hope that I wasn’t broken, because she felt the same way. But she stopped crying, Carter. She moved on without me.”
“Daniel,” Carter warns and I hate him for it.
“You’ll listen to me,” I seethe with barely concealed anger. He will listen and accept it. There are no other options. I can’t have it end any other way. “I have no one.”
“You chose no one. You left us.”
“You know why.” They gave Tyler’s phone to Carter after the dust settled. Carter saw. He never spoke it out loud. But I was there and I know he saw that I was the one texting him.
I’m the one who led Tyler to his death.
“You didn’t have to go.” His voice is sincere, but soft and full of sympathy.
“Well I’m coming back now,” I tell him.
“Does she know?” he asks me and I answer him with, “I shouldn’t have told her.”
“She knows you followed her? Is she going to press charges?” he asks and I huff a humorless laugh and then stare at the ceiling fan that’s perfectly still.
“I don’t think so,” I say and it’s only then that question becomes a possibility. I’ve only been thinking about what I can do to make her forgive me.
“She has to forgive me,” I tell him with words stronger than I feel.
“She doesn’t have to do anything,” Carter answers me and the silence stretches as my disdain for him grows.
“What did she say?” he asks me just as I’m ready to hang up.
“That she hates me.” It doesn’t hurt me to say the words today like they hurt me yesterday. There’s hope, only a small piece, but it’s there. “She didn’t mean it,” I tell
him.
“Did you do anything else?” Carter asks me with a tone that’s cautious, like he already knows.
“I’ve done lots of things, brother.”
“With her. With Addison.” My gaze wanders to my shoes by the bed and I bend down to put them on and lace them while I tell him, “I tried to stay away from her, but she sought me out … before she knew.”
“Did she fuck you?” he asks me and it strikes me as if he’s said it backward.
“I fucked her, yes.” The irritation gives me strength and I stare at the pile of shit next to the door that I’ll take with me back home and nearly leave it behind. It’s all meaningless.
“Is she …” Carter hesitates to ask.
“She’s mine.” The words leave me quickly, whipping out as if they’re meant to lash him, hating how he questions it. She’s always been mine.
I almost tell him that she’ll forgive me, but the doubt in me stops the words on the tip of my tongue.
“I’m coming home. I’ve been running away for a long time.”
“If you bring her, tell me so I can tell the others.”
“Why tell them?” Although I don’t give a shit what they think, I know Addison will.
“She was like a sister to us, Daniel. She didn’t just leave Tyler, she left all of us.”
She didn’t just leave us once. She left us twice.
When I heard her break up with Tyler in the kitchen, I could hear every word. I stood by the window, watching her leave.
I can’t let her leave a third time. I can’t let her go.
Before I can stop myself, I speak into the phone, “I’ll let you know.”
Staring at the closed door to this rented house, I can see Addison so clearly all those years ago. Driving away and I never bothered to stop her or tell her how she wasn’t allowed to leave.
She could never leave.
She was meant to be there.
Not with Tyler, but with me.
Maybe if I had bothered to tell either of them that, Tyler would still be here and none of this would have happened.
Chapter 25
Addison
* * *
This coldness won’t go away.
It follows me everywhere. Even burying myself under the blankets doesn’t take the chill away.
I can’t sleep. I can only wait for updates from Daniel. He texted me all night. He’s really leaving.
It all feels so final and I have no time to process anything. There’s a heaviness in my chest and a soreness in my lungs that I’m so painfully aware of. They won’t leave me alone.
Another message, another plea from him.
* * *
Please meet me, he begs. I can’t lose you again.
Looking at his message stirs up so much emotion. I don’t want to lose him. That’s the worst part of all of this. It’s the fact that I don’t want to be alone and without him again.
But how can you forgive someone for watching you suffer when they knew they could save you?
I’ll wait outside. I’m on my way and I’ll wait for you, but I can’t wait long. Please Addison.
The seconds tick by as I stare at his message.
Tick-tock. Tick-tock.
It’s early in the morning; the sun is still rising. A new day.
I can tell him goodbye. Just one last kiss. A kiss for the love we had. The love we shared for another too. A final goodbye that I should have had years ago.
I can pretend that’s what this will be, but I already feel myself clinging to him.
Some people you’re meant to say goodbye to, and others you aren’t.
I don’t text him back. Instead I head to the bathroom. I look exactly how I feel, which is fucking awful. I half question getting myself somewhat put together to see him.
But I don’t want him to remember me like this if it really is the last time I’ll see him.
I take a few minutes, each one seeming longer and longer even though hardly any time has passed. And when I look up, I see a pretty version of me, with mascara and concealer to hide the exhaustion. I can’t hide the pain though.
I’ll try to let him go and move on.
Because that’s what I’m supposed to do. Isn’t it? It’s what a sane, strong woman would do.
The zipper seems so loud as I close the makeup bag, as does the click of the light switch. There’s hardly any light from the early morning sunrise as I make my way out and down the stairs to the side entrance of the apartment.
Each step feels heavier than the last and my heart won’t stop breaking.
It’s a slow break, straight down the center. My heart hates me, but yet again, it’s something that seems so fitting.
There’s a large window on the side entrance door and I’m staring out of it, looking for Daniel’s car when I push it open. He isn’t here yet. Not that I can see.
I want more time before I have to say goodbye and it makes it painfully obvious that I don’t want to speak the words. But I can’t be weak and I don’t know that I can forgive him.
The cool air hits my face as the wind whips by and I walk slowly down the stairs. I take my time, not wanting this to end but knowing it’s so close and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.
The second I hit the bottom step and see Daniel’s car pull up to the curb, a large hand covers my face at the same time that I’m pulled back into a heavy wall—no, a man’s chest.
A man. Someone’s grabbed me. The realization hits me in a wave. I didn’t see him coming. I still can’t see him.
A scream rips up my throat as I try to swing back and hit him. Daniel! I try to scream, but I can’t. The man whirls around and my vision is blurred as I hit a brick wall, my arm scraping against it.
I don’t stop screaming; I don’t stop fighting with everything I have. My knee thumps against the brick wall as the man sneers at me to be quiet, the black leather glove on his hand making my face feel hot. I kick off the wall with the fear, the anger, and the knowledge that if I don’t scream for Daniel, he won’t know. He won’t be able to save me.
My knee burns with pain as I shove my weight into the man and push at the same time, falling to the asphalt and breaking free for only a split second.
I scream out for Daniel, although I don’t know if he heard me. I can’t breathe as a man in a black hoodie with bloodshot eyes shoves his hand down on my face so hard that I think he broke my nose for a moment. The pain radiates and tears stream from my eyes.
I always thought the worst thing you could see when you die was the face of someone who loved you, but couldn’t help you.
Staring into the black eyes of this man, I question that.
But relief comes quickly.
Through my blurred vision, I see a boot slam into his head, knocking him off of me although I struggle to get myself free and scramble away.
Bang! Bang!
I hear gunshots and I scream out again out of instinct, falling onto my side and huddling into a ball. Bang!
One last shot.
One heartbeat.
Another.
Silence.
And then I look up to see the man lying still, but Daniel clutching at his chest. He breathes heavily and then stumbles.
“No!” I cry out as blood soaks through his white cotton t-shirt and into the open button-up layered over it.
“Daniel,” I cry out with fear gripping my heart.
He screams at me, even though the strength is gone. “Get inside!”
My body refuses to obey as he pulls his hand away from his chest. There’s blood. So much blood.
Daniel’s expression only changes from worried for me to angered as he stares at his hand. His focus moves to the man lying motionless on the asphalt and he points the gun at his head, firing.
Bang! Bang! Bang! Each shot makes my body tremble. The man’s body doesn’t react. His face is one I don’t recognize as he stares lifelessly at nothing.
My gaze shifts from his dead eyes back to Daniel as he
hunches over and grips his chest, falling to his knees on the ground.
That’s the moment I can finally move again. And I run to him as fast as I can with one thought running through my mind.
Everyone I love dies.
Every.
Single.
One.
Chapter 26
Daniel
* * *
Fuck.
Hot blood pours from my wound and soaks into my shirt as I lean against the brick wall, feeling sharp, shooting pains run up and down my spine. I apply pressure to the gunshot to try to stop the flow.
I can barely breathe through my clenched teeth at the pain.
“Go inside,” I try to yell at Addison as she hovers over me. “Now,” I grit out and my words come out weak.
“Daniel, get up. Get up!” she yells at me. And it actually makes me smile.
As I try to stand, with her pulling on me and attempting to aid me, I look back down at my hand. It’s bright red, not black. That’s the first good sign. But when I look down to my chest and see how much it’s still bleeding, the lightheadedness nearly makes me collapse.
“Come with me,” she begs. “We have to go to the hospital.”
“No, no hospital. No cops.” I’m still okay enough to know better than that. “You can’t stay here; the cops will be coming. You have to go.”
“I’m not leaving you,” she yells at me with disbelief. “Just stay with me. Hide in my apartment. Let me help you, please,” she begs me and that’s the only reason I let her wrap an arm around me and guide me back to her apartment.
Thank fuck it’s so early in the morning and everything went down in the back alley.
Dark alley.
A man who knew where to be and when.
Someone with information.
Not Marcus … but it’s someone who must know Marcus. My gaze moves to Addison’s pale face as she opens the door to her apartment. Someone who wanted her. Someone who wanted to hurt me. And Marcus had to have told them. He’s the only one who knew I was with her and what she meant to me.