by W Winters
“Come on.” She tries to push me into her apartment and for a moment I hesitate, but if Marcus or someone else is after Addison, I have to be beside her.
It’s too late for me to say goodbye.
I feel breathless as my gaze darts from the door behind us to the counter, then to the window. I have to tell Carter. At the thought a pain shoots up my back and down my shoulder, making me grit my teeth.
Fuck! Holding my breath, I put more pressure on the wound.
My steps are wide as I walk in and head for the kitchen. To the tile floor where it will be easy to clean up.
“Was there blood in the alley?” I ask Addison in a pained voice that I can’t control and look behind me as I walk. Nothing’s spilling onto the floor. Not a drop. My shirt is soaked with blood, but hopefully there’s nothing that will lead the cops up to Addison.
“A lot of it,” she answers me as she rips open the cabinet door and pulls out a roll of paper towels.
“Did it lead up the stairs?” I ask her breathlessly and then wince from the pain. Fuck! Make it stop. Please.
She looks at me wide-eyed before realizing I was talking about my blood. Not the asshole who dared to put his hands on her. She visibly swallows while shaking her head frantically. “No, nothing.” She winds the paper towels around her hand before giving me the bundle of them. Her hands are still trembling. My poor Addison.
I take a quick look, as quickly as I can. Looks like the bullet exited cleanly. The wound isn’t the problem. It’ll bleed, but it’ll heal. It’s the infection that’ll kill me if I don’t have one of the guys take a look at it.
“Come sit,” she tells me while also reaching for my shirt. “Sit down,” she commands again. Her hands are shaking and her voice trembles, but she’s trying to be strong.
I reach out and grab her hand to stop her. My blood smears on her soft skin. “I’m fine,” I say to try to comfort her.
Addison shakes her head with tears in her eyes. “Sit down and let me take care of you.” She swallows her tears back and adds, “If you won’t go to the hospital, it’s the least you can do.”
A breath leaves me and makes me feel weak.
Another and my hand releases hers, but she doesn’t look at it. She doesn’t even wipe the blood away; she’s still searching my eyes for approval.
Nodding, I take a step back and push the chair at the kitchen island far back enough to sit.
I watch her face the entire time she helps me pull my shirt off. She cares about me still. I know she does. She’ll forgive me.
“Didn’t you say you’d hate me forever?” I ask her. Maybe I’m delirious. I don’t know why I push her.
“I said I’d never forgive you,” she tells me flatly and doesn’t look me in the eyes. Instead she pulls the wad of paper towels away, which are mostly soaked with blood and she quickly balls up more and presses against the wound.
“But you came down to see me,” I say without thinking. “It had to mean something.” The hope in my chest falters with her silence.
And when she does speak, its light dims.
“It means I was ready to say goodbye.”
“I don’t believe you,” I tell her without hesitation and she looks up at me teary eyed.
“Don’t cry,” I command weakly. “I didn’t want to upset you.”
She sucks in a breath and blinks the tears away, but pain is clearly written on her face.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper as she wipes the tears from her eyes. “I didn’t mean for this-”
“Oh, shut up. You couldn’t have known that this …” her voice breaks before she can finish and she closes her eyes and struggles to calm her breathing.
“It’s fine, Addison,” I try to reassure her, reaching out even though it sends a lance of pain through my chest. I run my hand down her arm and then pull her in closer, positioning her between my legs.
“It’s okay,” I whisper into her hair and then plant a small kiss on her temple as I hear sirens outside. She opens her eyes and looks to the far side of her living room, where the alley is just below.
“They may knock, but you don’t have to answer,” I tell her softly, and she only nods once, her eyes never moving.
“I’m sorry. I can’t say goodbye to you,” I tell her as I wish I hadn’t ever come back to the bar. I wish I hadn’t brought this on her. She doesn’t know. I’m sure she thinks it was a random mugging or attempted rape. She has no idea. But I know there’s no way it’s a coincidence.
“I wish I could say goodbye to you again. I wish I could tell you I’ll let you go, because it really is what a good man would do.”
“Here you go with words about good and bad men when you don’t even know the difference.” Addison’s tone is flat but there’s the hint of a smile waiting for me. I can feel it.
“Thank you for taking care of me,” I speak as she pulls the wad of paper towels away and there’s less blood. I try to take a deep breath, but it hurts and I wince.
“Let me clean and bandage you,” she says although I’m not sure she really wants a response. I swallow thickly and let her work. She can do whatever she wants to me, since I’m just grateful that she’s here for me.
I don’t deserve her. I know I don’t. And that’s all I can think about as she tapes the sterile gauze in place. Even as she poured rubbing alcohol over my wound I barely felt a thing.
“I need you to go lie down.” Addison speaks with authority although she looks like a beautiful mess herself.
The desperate need for sleep begs me to listen to her, although Carter is expecting me. He knows I’m coming.
As if reading my mind Addison says, “It can wait. You can’t drive right now anyway.”
“Will you lie down with me?” I would give anything to feel her soft body next to mine and hold her right now. The thought sends a warmth through me, but it vanishes when I look up.
Her sad eyes meet mine with something they haven’t before. Regret, maybe? Or denial? I’m not sure, but I’m certain she’s going to tell me no.
“Please,” I add and my voice trembles. “Even if it’s only a little while?”
She’s reluctant to nod, but she does and my throat closes with a pain that’s sure to haunt me forever.
At least I have one more night. But I know in my heart, it’s only one more night.
Chapter 27
Addison
* * *
I don’t want to wake up. I don’t want to move.
Because right now I have a man I desperately want, and it doesn’t make me weak to be with him. But when this moment is over, that’s what I’ll be. It’s not about forgiving him anymore; it’s accepting who I am if I’m with him.
I’m not sure how long we’ve been in bed, but the knocks at the door from the cops came and went. And at least hours have passed, because my eyes don’t feel so heavy, only sore.
“You’re awake.” Daniel’s deep rumble makes his chest vibrate. And it’s only then that I realize how close to him I am, how I’m curled around him and his arm is behind my back, holding me to him.
I roll over slightly, only enough so my head is on the pillow and not his chest. There are so many things to say. And so little time.
You can want a person but know they’re bad for you. That’s the person Daniel’s been for me since I’ve met him. And it’s not going to change.
Daniel lifts the sheet and checks his gunshot wound. I can only see a faint circle of blood and I try to gauge his reaction, but he doesn’t say anything.
“Are you going to be okay?” I ask him and try to swallow down my worry.
“Are you going to leave me if I say I’ll be fine?” he asks, turning his face toward me and his lips are only inches from mine.
I huff a small laugh and a trace of a smile is there for a moment, but the pain of the unknown is quick to take it away. The smile on my lips quivers and I have to take in a deep breath.
“I don’t know where we go from here.” It’s hard to tel
l him the truth.
I hear him swallow and then he looks up at the ceiling, rather than at me.
“I still want you,” he says in a whisper although I’m not sure he meant for it to come out that way. “I can’t let go of you,” he says and puts his gaze back on me, assessing my reaction.
I can’t explain how it feels to hear him say the only words I want to hear. I want to beg him not to let go of me because I’m so afraid to lose myself with him, but I don’t ever want to be apart.
A second passes, and then another. And I don’t know what to do or think or say. I only know time is running out.
“I’ll never stop watching you, Addison. My heart thinks you belong to me and it always has. Whether I want it, whether you want it. It doesn’t matter–I’ll always feel this need to watch over you.”
“It’s not the watching part,” I try to tell him and then shake my head. My hair slides against the pillow and I struggle to speak, but somehow I do. “It just hurts.”
“I’m sorry.” He says the same words as before, but the pain is so much more real now as he turns over slightly and puts his hand on mine.
“Do you want me?” he asks me and then adds, “Do you want to come home with me? I’ll make it better. I swear I will.”
He squeezes my hand and I don’t know what to say. I just want everything to feel better and to not hate myself for running back to him.
“I don’t want you to come with me because you’re lost or lonely or scared. If you want me, I want you. I can’t help it and I can’t stop it. I tried and when I finally let go of you, there was nothing left of me.”
My heart aches for him and for me. I know exactly how he feels. Tears prick my eyes and I can hardly breathe.
I can’t answer him, so instead I tell him what I’d planned on saying when I was ready to say goodbye.
My words come out in shuddered breaths. “If you’d come to me back then, I would have let you in. Instead of watching me in pain, I would have loved you for being there for me and I would have been there for you too.”
“You’re blind to how you were back then. You may have had feelings for me. But you loved him.”
“I loved you too though.” My voice cracks as I protest and I heave in a breath.
“You wouldn’t if you knew the truth. It was my fault-”
I cut him off, pressing my finger to his lips to silence him. “I’m done with the past, Daniel. I don’t need to know every horrible thing you once did. I only wanted you to know that I would have let you in.” I almost add, just like I am now. I can feel myself falling back to him after nearly losing him. After almost seeing him die. There’s no way I can let him go again.
Something lifts in my chest. A lightness that gives me more room to breathe. It’s the truth, and knowing that makes me feel anything but weak.
He pauses, considering what I’ve said and looks past me at the window to the bedroom before speaking again. “You think you would have, but I couldn’t take the chance that you’d turn me away. I never had a chance, Addison. Even after he was gone you still loved him, and I hated myself for even thinking about taking his place in your heart. I don’t care anymore. I already hate myself, but at least I can have you. I can love you better than anyone else.”
He swallows thickly and adds, “I can promise you that.”
“Love is a strong word.” I’m still afraid to tell him I love him. I don’t want him to die. More than anything else, I can’t lose him. I know deep down inside, I love Daniel Cross and always have.
“It’s the right word for what we have, but we can pretend to go slow?” he questions as if I’ve already forgiven him. As if I’ve agreed to go back home with him.
“So you think I’m yours again?” I ask him as I wipe under my eyes and sniffle. “Just like that?”
He holds my gaze as he tells me, “You’ve always been mine.”
And I don’t have any words for him in return.
It’s true.
Daniel says that he’s the one who never had a chance back then.
But the truth is Tyler never did.
I was always Daniel’s and I don’t think I had it in me to say that out loud. Because I don’t know if Tyler could have ever forgiven me if he knew.
Daniel leans closer to me with the intent to kiss me. But just before he can cup the back of my head, he winces in pain.
“Shit,” the word leaves my lips quickly and I hover over him. “For the love of God, lie down and rest.” I pull up the sheets to check on the wound, but it looks the same.
“No, I need to kiss you,” he says softly and when my eyes meet his, he smiles weakly and pleadingly.
“I need to kiss you too,” I whisper and tears prick my eyes.
I lean down to press my lips to his. I mean it to be soft and sweet, but it deepens instantly and naturally. One of his hands cradles the back of my head, his fingers spearing through my hair. The other grips onto my hip, holding me there as his tongue sweeps over mine and his hot breath mingles with mine.
My body heats, feeling completely at home in his embrace.
“I need you,” he whispers against my lips with his eyes closed. My pussy clenches at his words and it’s then that I feel his erection against my thigh. The agony breaks and I wipe under my eyes.
“You’re hurt,” I tell him as I weakly shake my head and cup his strong jaw in my hand.
“Doesn’t matter, I’ll always need you. Always want you.”
My heart pounds and pounds again. Recognizing how true it is, because it’s the same for me.
“I love you,” I say the words in a whisper even though they frighten me. “I can’t lose you.”
“I love you more,” he tells me and I lean down to kiss him again and shut him up before he makes that pain in my heart grow even more.
Chapter 28
Tyler
* * *
Five years ago
* * *
I feel so fucking stupid.
I don’t know how I didn’t see it before.
It took him texting me where she is for me to realize it.
Daniel’s in love with Addison.
And she’s in love with him.
It all makes sense now.
I check the map on my phone to make sure I’m going the right way, although every step makes my heart hurt more.
He doesn’t know that I know. Neither does she, but I can do them both a favor and tell them.
I want to kiss her one last time though.
I know it’s wrong. But it’s just a goodbye kiss. Something to remember her by. Something to let her know that it’s okay. That I’m okay with her loving him. I just want her to be happy. She needs it more than anyone. I can see it in her eyes.
My throat feels tight as I walk past Fourth Street. The rain starts coming down harder and it feels fitting.
I pull up my hoodie around my head and listen to my sneakers squeak on the sidewalk as I make my way closer to heartbreak.
I thought her telling me that she couldn’t be with me anymore was the worst thing I’d ever feel.
But knowing she loves my brother and wants him more than she wants me? Fuck, it hurts. It hurts so fucking much.
My phone vibrates and I look down to see a text from Daniel. She’s gone into the corner store now and Daniel said it looks like she’s been crying. She’s been doing it at school too. But she won’t let me near her this time. She won’t let me comfort her when she needs it so badly.
This isn’t the first time she’s dumped me. My brothers don’t know because I’m too ashamed to tell them.
But each time she did, I’d find her crying somewhere and she’d let me hold her to make it feel better.
I just loved her, hoping she loved me back. And I know some part of her does. But I never thought she didn’t love me fully because there was someone else.
I thought it was just the way she is. That she just pushes people away and that I would have to handle her more gently. I should h
ave known by the way she avoided Daniel and the way he asked about her.
How was I so fucking stupid?
Do you want me to go to her? Daniel texts me and I stop one block over from where she is. Where both of them are. So close, I can see the window of the store. The light is dim in the sheets of rain. So close, but so far away.
I should tell him yes. I should let him go to her. I bet she’d let him comfort her.
But I just want one last kiss. Just one more time before I let her go.
It’s all I want. Just one last kiss before I let her go.
Chapter 29
Addison
* * *
“I don’t think I can breathe.”
“I’m not inside you right now, so you should be fine,” Daniel quips as the car door shuts behind us. He leaves his black Mercedes in the paved horseshoe driveway as we step up to the Cross estate. The stubborn asshole wouldn’t let me drive. The painkillers definitely helped him. But I’m looking forward to someone taking a look at him. Someone who knows what they’re doing.
“It’s different from the other house,” I state, ignoring Daniel’s joke and how easy this is for him. It’s not just different. It’s massive. They used to live in a small house off the backroads. This is … something else.
“Home looks different when you’re different,” he tells me and walks forward, leaving me standing in the shadow of the large white stone house. Is it even a house? It looks like a mansion.
“Who lives here?” I ask Daniel and he wraps his arm around my waist. “It’s for all of us.”
I haven’t seen any of his brother’s since the funeral and on that day, I couldn’t look any of them in the eye. I could barely speak to them. I could barely do anything because the guilt was so strong. My pulse quickens as he pushes me forward.