ZooFall

by Lawrence Ambrose

  The girl held her nose and pointed to the monkey coveralls.

  "Yeah," said Gary. "Tell me about it." He thumped his chest and grunted: "Me, Gary."

  She touched her chest. "Twiiggichy."

  "Twitchy? Twiggy? Heh. You seem pretty solid to me."

  He held out the outfit, pointing to the maze of painted clips and miming incomprehension. The girl accepted the garment, turning it over in her hands, tugging gently on a few sections. Suddenly, her fingers – surprisingly slim and nimble – went to work, the fabric parted at three junctions that Gary hadn't known were junctions. She gestured for him to put on a burgundy waist cloth, then a yellow mid-section, followed by purple and pink top, attaching them to each other with the clips as he went. In less than two minutes he was covered from his upper thighs to his broad, bare shoulders in resplendent prismatic color.

  "Whoa," he murmured, running his hands over the slick yet velvety material. "Where's the party, ha-ha!"

  The girl grinned up at him, tugging the piece more squarely on his shoulders in a final adjustment. Her grin fell when a stern growling shout sounded from the bearded man emerging from the Hub. He waved his spear while the woman at his side shook her head and gestured urgently to her. Gary heard the girl's frustrated or sad expulsion of breath. Gary reached down and smoothed a lock of blond-orange hair from her cheek. The man thumped his spear on the ground and the woman made a noise like an angry chipmunk. The girl backed away, giving Gary a longing, farewell glance as she jogged over to join her family. Gary felt a twinge of sadness himself. For all he knew, she might've been the One. He had a sudden vision of a passel of red-haired sturdy-bodied kids with six-foot vertical leaps. Ah, well.

  When the Stone Age family retreated into the night, something that looked like a cross between a giraffe and a boar trotted in, giving Gary the evil eye. Gary shuffled back into the semi-darkness beyond the halo of light. The giraffe-boar nosed the side of the Hub and – presto chango! – an opening appeared in the lower wall. The huge creature ambled inside and the entrance sealed shut behind it.

  Damn, I gotta check this shit out. Gary was reluctant and eager at the same time. Reluctant because a tiny voice of good sense cautioned him that once in the building or spaceship he might never come out. Also, even though the creatures had been tolerating each other near the building, that didn't mean they'd tolerate him. Still, to be this close and not even take a closer look? Diana would probably rag on his ass for that, even if he had gathered a lot of "valuable intel," as Ms. Secret Agent might say.

  Some male Nazrene emerged from the building and bounded off together. Something that resembled a giant millipede – or centipede? Who actually counted their legs? – floated down and landed in the light, cautiously treadmilling its way to the Hub. A door appeared, just the right size as always, and the millipede or caterpillar rolled in.

  What happened to them inside? What were they seeing? Gary scratched the stubble on his chin where a decent beard refused to grow and pondered the possibilities. Nothing came to him, except maybe they had a feeding trough or something inside. For each animal? How could they pull that off? But shit, they were advanced aliens, practically gods. What couldn't they pull off? Except keep their mothership together so they didn't have to dump their zoo freaks here?

  When the millipede emerged a few minutes later and scurried off, Gary decided to take advantage of the vacant space in his immediate area: he sprinted in, reaching the Hub wall in moments. No door opened. He followed its edge for several meters, running his hand along the wall. Still nothing.

  A hard snapping of wings overhead caused Gary to leap away an instant before what appeared to be a giant bird smacked down on the ground where he'd just been. It had a big crest of orange feathers on its crocodilian head that ended in a beak the size of a chainsaw. Broad wings that appeared fur rather than feather-covered and oversized orange feet sprouting shiny grey talons completed the package. It looked like some nightmarish version of Big Bird, though Gary had always found that Sesame Street character pretty creepy. He didn't want to think of what those talons would've done to him with the weight of that giant bird behind them. The creature cocked its head and opened its beaked snout. Wouldn't you know – its crocodile-snout was filled with teeth!

  The monstrous bird hopped one step toward him. Gary's first instinct was to run like hell, but then he thought: You know what? I'm done running like a fucking scared little puppy! He was a man – a superman, really – and it was time to stop being a pussy and stand up for both his manhood and his race.

  "You want a piece of me, Big Bird?" Gary raised his spear, cocking his arm. "Well come on then! Say hello to my little friend!"

  The humongous bird leaped toward him. Sucking down his fear, Gary leaned back and launched his spear with the full force of his arm and body.

  And that was where a different set of physics rules appeared to intervene: the attacking bird jerked to a sedate walk with an indignant squawk, as if slowing had not been its intent at all. Meanwhile, Gary's spear slowed and dropped to the ground. What the hell?

  They both continued to advance on each other but in a weird slow-motion. Gary drew his Bowie knife and retrieved his spear. Big Bird bared its fangs, and as they closed lifted one foot and cocked its head back as if planning a double-whammy – talon-strike followed by beak-crunch – while Gary readied a spear-thrust followed by a whack from his machete-like knife that would hopefully remove one of Frankenbird's legs.

  But it was as if they were moving in water. In water wearing wrist and ankle weights, Gary thought. He tried to shove his spear into the bird's chest, but the spear traveled only a few inches before grinding to a halt against some invisible barrier. Likewise, the bird, drool slathering from its open jaws, its bright grey eyes gleaming with hungry desire, strained its talons and half-bobbed its head in Gary's direction – the snorkeling sounds issuing from its beak-snout making Gary think of a frustrated deep-sea diver – but unable to complete its heart's desire.

  Gary was feeling similarly unfulfilled. It dawned on him then that they were playing out the same kind of encounters he'd witnessed a dozen times: creatures that looked like they wanted to rip each other apart somehow playing nice. Now he got it. It was like that time some guys started fighting on his football team and their only black player made a joke pretending to be Rodney King and saying "Can't we all just get along?" The joke had worked and it was pretty much smooth sailing from then on. So they were now in the Rodney King Zone – forced on anyone this close to the Hub by the aliens!

  Gary's spear drooped and he breathed out. In the same moment, his big-beaked adversary seemed to get it as well, hopping off with a final angry snorkeling snort.

  Gary headed away from the Hub, but not before capturing the interest of a male Nazrene emerging from the alien building maybe fifty yards away. Once again, Gary's legs twitched with an urge to run, and once again he thought fuck it. Maybe a group of them, but no way was he running from one monkey motherfucker. In fact, he'd do fuck it one better: he'd leave the safety of the Rodney King Zone and meet him in the Anything Goes Zone if that's what he wanted.

  The overgrown baboon followed him into the dark. Gary turned to face him, readying his spear. He'd wanted to test himself against one of these cocky beasts. This should be interesting. Almost unfair, since he was armed and the monkey was only carrying a big leather-ish bag.

  The Nazrene surprised him by tossing the bag across the thirty feet that separated them and falling to his knees with his head bowed. Gary shifted his grip on his spear, taking some time to ponder this new and strange development before bending and tearing open the bag.

  Raw, fresh meat-odor wafted up and zinged his nostrils. It looked like a big rack of rib, complete with some kind of sauce. He licked his fingers. The taste was spine-tinglingly hot barbecue sauce. Delicious. Been so long since he'd tasted the tangy flavors of barbecue. So...this ape was offering him dinner? And bowing to him...?

  The gears of logic clicked
ever-so-slowly into place. It was dark. The Nazrene didn't share his good night vision. Gary was wearing clothing so heavily perfumed that if the EPA still existed it would probably declare it a chemical hazard. That's what the poor horny ape smelled – prime grade chimp-chick – not his human odor!

  Speaking of smell, the meat offering was rebooting his appetite in a major way. He hefted the rib – had to be ten pounds or more of some creature whose beefy odor he couldn't quite identify – and chomped down with his now-sharper canines. A luscious barbecue flavor exploded in his mouth.

  "And here I thought you were fucking ignorant apes!" he gushed, spewing chunks of bone and spicy sauce on the grass. "This is great barbecue, dude!"

  The Nazrene lifted his head with a rumbling that sounded more puzzled or wary than appreciative. Gary laughed.

  "Kinda confusing, huh? I'm dressed and smell like a monkey chick and here I am talking human." Gary took another ravenous bite and laughed again. "If only you knew I already got some of what you're slobbering for. Bet that would piss you off."

  The Nazrene rose from his crouch with a deep-throated growl, his claws extruding. Gary dropped the ribs and picked up his spear.

  "Word to the wise, dumbass," he said. "I got a spear. And a big fucking knife. You got your claws. Go back to your camp and dream of chimp pussy, 'cause if you come at me you might end up missing what you need to do more than dream, if you know what I mean."

  The Nazrene apparently didn't, because he charged with an outraged howl. Gary got his spear up, waiting. His opponent shredded the end with one swipe that also knocked it sideways and kept coming. Gary dropped the spear and leaped to one side, reaching for his knife, but the beast was too close, pressing him. Okay, Gary thought. Besides football, he was an all-state wrestler. There was more than one way to skin an ape.

  Gary sidestepped the charging chimp, caught his waist in a bear-hug, and swung him toward the ground. Toward being the accurate term. The thing got his legs and arms up and exploded upward and around with a force that shocked the youth. In a blink, he was staring into a cavernous mouth and a gleaming set of white fangs. Another blink and the jaws lunged forward to the side of his neck. Gary jerked sideways and the jaws fastened into his right shoulder instead. One more blink and Gary knew he, unlike the ape, had bitten off more than he could chew. This was not wrestling. Wrestling was about controlling an opponent enough to pin his shoulders, not about ripping him apart and killing him. And he'd never fought anyone armed with claws and fangs.

  The big baboon wrapped him up, pinning his arms to his sides. His jaws released and jumped across for his throat. Gary couldn't think of anything better than to turn his head and bite into the side of the ape's neck to stop the move. The ape jerked away with a screech. Their heads dipped and feinted and ducked like two fencing cobras locked in a death embrace. Gary doubted it would end well for him since his opponent's jaws and teeth were larger than his. But not being able to move anything else, what choice did he have?

  My legs. They could move. The monkey's legs were spread wider than his, providing stability. Testicles. Did he have them? Would they be in the same place? Only one way to find out.

  Gary drew back his right leg and kneed the ape between the legs with every ounce of his strength. The ape howled loud enough to make his ears ring and released his hold, staggering back a step. In one motion, Gary whipped out his knife and sliced it across the monkey's throat. The effect was even more devastating than Gary had expected: the ape's head lolled sideways, hanging by a thread. Blood geysered into Gary's face and eyes. He sprang away, wiping his eyes, as his opponent flopped on his back, arms and legs twitching.

  The night was abruptly, ominously, silent. Gary scanned the area for attackers, seeing no one. Time to boogie before some of his friends, possibly hearing his screams, showed up looking for him. As an afterthought, he retrieved the delicious ribs. No sense in wasting good meat.

  Gary's run back to their camp seemed incredibly fast and anti-climactic after all his adventures. He didn't see much – not on the ground, anyway. High in the sky, some big-winged creatures seemed to be fighting or playing among the field of stars. Maybe the winged-wolf was one of them, maybe not.

  Gary found Diana and Laurie sitting by a small fire set on the other side of the hill facing away from the Hub. The muted crackle of his footfalls in the brush caused them to snatch up the rifles in their laps and aim them in his direction.

  "It's just me!" Gary called.

  The rifles lowered. Diana and Laurie gawked at him as he stepped into the unsteady light.

  "Isn't that the clothing the female Nazrene were wearing?" Diana asked. She grimaced when he got closer. "God, you smell as if you fell into a pool of cheap perfume."

  "Heh." Gary backed off a bit self-consciously. "I had a kind of 'wardrobe malfunction,' I guess you could say. I stole these."

  "What happened down there?" Diana eyed him. "Did you learn anything?"

  "Yeah. I saw Sonja" – he glanced at Laurie – "your mom and brother. The dude apes were handing them off to the chick apes."

  "Did they look okay?" Laurie asked, her eyes pleading, leaning half off the rock she was perched on. "What do you mean – 'handing them off'?"

  Gary shrugged. "I don't know. It was like this official meeting or something between the males and females. The girl-monkeys marched into the male ape camp and the males got all worshippy and shit, bowing, kowtowing, dropping gifts at the girl-monkeys' feet. But the only gift they seemed to give a fuck about was your mom and brother. They took 'em back with them to the female camp."

  "Did you see where they're keeping Donny and Sonja?" Diana asked.

  "Nope. One of their tents, I figure."

  "Huh," said Diana, settling back on the grass. "We've been wondering from the beginning why they took you and your family, Laurie. It looks as if the main reason might be to make an offering to the females, seeking favor with them."

  "What kind of favor?" Laurie asked.

  "The favor of one of their hands in unholy matrimony?" Diana gave her a droll smile. "I'm not sure what their normal relationship is, but from what I've seen the females are quite different from the males. Dressing up and that awful perfume, for example. The males never attempted to bargain for guns, either."

  "The females are smarter," said Laurie.

  "Possibly. More interested in the accouterments of civilization anyhow – clothing, perfume, and guns."

  "They also think they're all superior and entitled and shit," Gary grumbled. "Just like Earth women."

  "I don't think I'm entitled," Laurie bristled.

  Gary made a skeptical snorting sound.

  "Did you notice anything else?" Diana asked. "Anything interesting going on around the Hub?"

  "Zoo animals are going in and out," said Gary. "Not sure what they're doing in there. Maybe getting food? Also, there's some kind of weird force field or something around the building that makes it impossible to fight or do anything violent."

  Diana sat up straighter. "Could you give more details about that?"

  Gary described his confrontation with the giant bird and some of the other animal interactions he'd witnessed.

  "Could you tell how far out this Rodney King Zone extends from the Hub?" Diana asked.

  "I dunno. Sixty, maybe seventy yards out. That's on the ground. Not sure about in the air."

  "What are you basing that guess on?"

  "Well, maybe a hundred yards from the Hub I kind of got into it with a male Nazrene, so I know it doesn't go out farther than that."

  "You fought one of those things?" Laurie asked. "And you're alive?"

  Gary smirked and shrugged modestly. "Heh, well, I had a spear and a knife. Poor monkey never stood a chance. Speaking of spear" – he glanced about as though noticing its absence for the first time – "I need to find a new one."

  Diana was studying him with raised brows. "You're not injured?"

  "Oh, I got a chomp on the shoulder. No biggie."


  "You want some of the miracle cream?"

  "Nah. I'm good. I'm not like you guys. My wounds heal so fast it's almost like they were never there, you know?"

  "No," said Diana, "I wouldn't know – except since using that cream. That would put a lot of doctors out of business."

  "Lucky for them they're all dead, right?" Gary chuckled.

  "My mother's still alive!" Laurie snapped.

  "Right. No offense intended."

  "So you just snuck into the female Nazrene camp and stole those clothes?" Diana asked.

  "Yeah. I found an empty tent and, uh, grabbed it." No way was he giving them any other details of what happened there.

  "What happened to your shorts?"

  "Uh, got burned off – by digestive juices, I guess. This tree-thing grabbed me and tried to eat me. Like the Bible says, I was in the belly of the beast."

  "You're kidding." Diana stared at him as if he might be joking. "How did you escape?"

  "Turns out a Bowie knife's none too good for digestion."

  Diana shook her head and exchanged a disbelieving look with Laurie. They and Gary all gazed at the fire in silence for a minute or two.

  "So what's our next step?" Laurie asked.

  Diana heard the anxious quaver in her voice the girl was straining to cover up. She thought she knew what Laurie was thinking: How much more do I dare ask of this woman who doesn't even know my family? How much more indeed.

  "How large is the female camp, Gary?" Diana asked.

  "I dunno." The youth scratched his head. "Maybe a hundred."

  "With that outfit, you might be able to move around their camp at night without drawing attention if you kept your distance," Diana mused. "But they might still smell your human odor even if they didn't notice the physical differences."