After the Fire

by Felice Stevens

  “Lucas, where’d you go?” Jordan rolled off him, resting by his side.

  Without the warmth of Jordan’s body, Luke felt bereft, as if he was missing something of importance. “Don’t. I like the feeling of you on top of me.” He reached around and snuggled Jordan back onto his chest, giving him the opportunity to bury his lips in the man’s silky golden hair. When he was young and still dreamed of love, he’d ached for a time like this with a lover, skin to skin and heart to heart.

  “You seemed so far away, like you were thinking of something unpleasant.” Jordan’s lips moved against his shoulder. “Can I ask, was it about Ash?”

  Shit. This wasn’t supposed to happen. He should be making love to Jordan, not thinking of his mistakes. With a quick twist of his body, Luke rolled over and caged Jordan between his arms, his knees braced on either side of Jordan’s slim hips. The man’s eyes widened, but he didn’t move.

  “I’m not here to talk about him.” That bastard would not invade his time with Jordan. A deliberate slide of his groin over Jordan’s left them both shaking with desire. “I don’t want to talk at all.”

  Another bump and grind of their bodies and Luke couldn’t keep himself from groaning out loud. As Jordan writhed beneath him, Luke stroked him, then yanked down the thin gym shorts, along with Jordan’s briefs. Jordan’s cock sprang out, pale and thick, surrounded by a nest of springy golden curls, the large flushed crown pearled with wetness. It took all of Luke’s resistance to keep from pouncing on the man. He looked so sweet and vulnerable.

  “Lucas.” Jordan’s hand reached out and touched him, brushing the front of his shorts where his own cock, woefully neglected, jerked and strained against the thin nylon. Their gazes locked on one another. A gleam of amusement entered Jordan’s eyes. “I refuse to be the only one naked here.” With a firm pull, Jordan slid the shorts and briefs past Luke’s knees until Luke wriggled them off and tossed them onto the floor.

  Finally, wonderfully, they were naked before one another, hot skin touching. Luke bent and kissed Jordan so hard, so deep they gasped for breath when they broke apart. The fervor with which Jordan returned his kisses surprised Luke. He’d thought with the prolonged abstinence, there would be some hesitancy. Instead Jordan’s tongue pushed into his mouth, thrusting as if they were performing a mating ritual. Their cocks bumped and slid against one another, and Luke reached between them, wetting his hand with the precome leaking from both their erections.

  At his touch, Jordan snapped his hips up hard. “God.” Luke clenched his jaw and continued to rock back and forth. Normally Luke preferred to take control, but this time belonged to Jordan. It would be a gift for Jordan to rediscover his life and the passion he’d thought died forever with his lover.

  And a gift for Jordan would be a gift for him.

  “Go ahead, darlin’. Give it to me. I want it all.” He brushed the hair off Jordan’s face, the strands sliding between his fingers, as silky as he’d imagined. Luke’s thumb trailed over Jordan’s elegant cheekbones, coming to rest on his full lips. When Jordan drew Luke’s thumb into the wet cavern of his mouth, twirling his tongue around it, pulling and sucking hard, Luke nearly came apart. They continued to rock together, sliding and rubbing their cocks, the sweat and slick building up on their straining bodies.

  Jordan’s pink lips clung to Luke’s thumb as it slid in and out of Jordan’s mouth. It was as erotic a scenario as Luke had ever been lucky to see. Electrified at the sound of Jordan’s soft moans vibrating against Luke’s finger, his body buzzed, flooded with unaccustomed desire. Jordan finally let go of Luke’s thumb and thrashed his head back and forth on the pillow.

  Luke thrust his hips against Jordan’s, their slick fluids providing ample lubrication for his hand to slide up and down their lengths. Jordan’s cock swelled, and he came, sending warm splashes of liquid across their stomachs.

  “Ahhh, God,” Jordan cried out, his hands clutching at the sheets by his sides. “Lucas.”

  With his eyes squeezed tight, teeth bared in an almost primal grimace, and the strong cords of his neck standing out as he arched his body backward on the bed, Jordan’s face was stunning in his orgasm.

  A tingling in the root of Luke’s cock curled around the base of his spine. Heat flushed through his body, pooling in his groin. He reached down to give himself several hard strokes, but Jordan got there first.

  “My turn.” Jordan’s strong hand grasped him, and the man’s long, elegant fingers encircled his cock. Spots glowed behind his closed eyes as Jordan rubbed faster and faster, thumb teasing his slit, fingers dancing up and down the sensitive shaft.

  “Jordan, please.” Luke found himself begging for release.

  “Don’t you like the way I’m touching you?” Jordan’s hands never ceased their firm, deliberate movements.

  He opened his eyes to find Jordan’s clear gaze on him. “Yes. I like the fact that it’s you.” Where the hell had that come from? Lucas couldn’t believe those words were coming from his mouth. He never talked to his partners during sex. It was all about him coming and then going, leaving as fast as he could. But now, he didn’t want to leave. He yearned to know what it might be like to wake up in a lover’s arms.

  “Come on, Lucas,” Jordan whispered in his ear, hands slippery yet sure and deliberate as he stroked and rubbed Luke’s cock. The caress in Jordan’s soft voice set off goose pimples up and down Luke’s arms, and he moaned, his entire body tightening in anticipation. Like a fire searing through his chest, incinerating whatever fortress he’d created, Luke’s orgasm hit him hard, and he erupted all over Jordan’s hands, overflowing as if he’d been holding back forever. Exhausted from the stress of the day, he collapsed on top of Jordan.

  Minutes passed, and they remained locked together, their raspy, mingled breathing the only sound in the room. Jordan shifted, and Luke recognized he must be crushing the man.

  “Hey, Prep School.” He loved teasing Jordan with that name. It was too perfect for his haughty looks and superior airs, even though Luke knew better than that now, having spent enough time with Jordan to see his true, giving nature. “I’m going to take a shower; then don’t think you’re getting away without a training session from me.”

  “I thought I’d proved my staying power just now.” A lazy smile curled Jordan’s lips.

  Luke’s heart did a funny somersault when Jordan reached up and brushed the curls off his forehead, and for a moment, he found it hard to breathe. He couldn’t resist grabbing a quick kiss, their tongues twisting and sliding against each other. After almost losing his resolve to leave the bed, he pulled away from Jordan’s hungry mouth. “I consider this cardio. I can’t have you thinking I’m letting you get off easy.”

  Jordan’s eyes danced with amusement. “You got me off pretty hard, I’m thinking.” Then he smiled and stretched. “I’ll let you have the first shower.” Jordan fell back against the pillows and lay still, the smile remaining on his face.

  “I won’t be long.” Luke picked up his clothes from the floor and headed into the bathroom. The thought of Jordan in bed all alone—and wonderfully sleep disheveled—set his body humming for a possible repeat performance. He jumped into the shower and quickly rinsed off the evidence of their lovemaking. Not five minutes later he turned off the taps and dried himself off. Damn, he’d forgotten to bring antiperspirant. He always forgot something when he went to the gym.

  “I’m gonna use your deodorant, okay?”

  “Sure. No problem. I’ll be there in a minute.” Jordan sounded content and happy, not regretful or, even worse, silent and uncommunicative as Luke feared after the man’s first sexual experience since Keith’s death.

  Luke opened the medicine cabinet and reached inside, but he faltered before he could take the stick out. “What the fuck?” His brow furrowed as he stared at the shelves and tried to make sense of what he was seeing. The entire middle shelf was filled with glassine baggies of pills. Little yellow pills. As if in slow motion, he plucked one off the s
helf and held it in his hands. The pills rolled between his fingers, and he traced their shape as if he couldn’t believe they were real. Xannies. Not prescription grade.

  From his time on the streets of DC and at the shelter here in the city, Luke knew exactly what those pills were and what all those bags meant. Jordan bought on the streets. His mouth tightened, lips twisting in disgust. Drugs. An involuntary shiver ran through him. Why would Jordan be buying drugs off the street? It didn’t make sense. Why?

  “Hey, what happened? You’re so quiet—” Jordan burst through the door, a smile on his face until he caught a glimpse of what Luke still held in his hand. He turned pale, and Luke watched fear replace the happiness in his eyes. “Lucas, it’s not what you think.”

  Fucking liar. “Yeah? Go on, then. Tell me what I’m thinking.”

  Jordan advanced on him, but Luke would be damned if he’d let the man touch him in his pathetic attempt to prevent questions. He sidestepped away and moved toward the door. Jordan grabbed his arm.

  “Lucas, please.”

  Disgusted, he shook off Jordan’s hand. “Don’t touch me. You, a doctor no less, buying drugs off the street. Probably from some poor street kid who’s on something himself. How dare you?” His voice shook, breaking on the question. “You’re helping these kids dig their own graves by supporting what they’re doing. And you have the nerve to work at a foundation to prevent drugs and gun violence?” Luke couldn’t help but laugh, but there was no happiness in the sound.

  “Let me explain, please.” Jordan’s gaze clashed with his, and for a moment Luke relented. There was true remorse in Jordan’s eyes. Afraid of what Jordan might say, Luke remained silent.

  Jordan crowded close to him, so close Luke could feel the puffs of Jordan’s breath against his cheek. The only thing Luke wanted to do was close his eyes and wrap his arms around Jordan, and it took an enormous strength of will to hold himself back.

  “Ever since Keith died, I haven’t been able to sleep. I didn’t want to leave the house or see anyone.” Jordan licked his lips, then bit down on the bottom one, worrying it between his teeth.

  Luke crossed his arms. “Yeah, I know. Remember I had to threaten you to honor your obligation to the foundation.”

  Jordan dipped his head, his gaze trained on the floor. “I wanted to die. The pain crushed me and my will to live.”

  Luke had to lean forward to hear Jordan’s words. Pain squeezed his heart at the anguished sound of Jordan’s voice. Would Jordan ever forget Keith? What a fool he was to think Jordan might have started to move on.

  “But then I got that letter from you about the foundation, and once I became more involved, I knew I needed to live again, if for nothing else than to make sure Keith didn’t die in vain.” Jordan swallowed, and a shudder racked his body. He lifted his gaze from the floor, and Luke’s resolve almost faltered at the absolute devastation in Jordan’s eyes. Almost.

  “I’m not hearing anything I don’t already know, Jordan.”

  “I know you’re mad when you don’t call me Prep School,” Jordan joked, but when Luke refused to play along, he raked his hand through his hair and continued. “My doctor prescribed Xanax for me, to deal with the anxiety and depression. It was as if the clouds had been erased. All the blackness disappeared once I took the pills.”

  Luke growled at him, angry at his naïveté. “Dumb-ass. You traded one problem for another. And you got hooked, didn’t you?”

  When Jordan hesitated, Luke couldn’t hold back, answering for him. “You did. And it became like water to drink and air to breathe. After a while one pill wasn’t enough. It became two, then three, right?” Once again, Jordan didn’t answer, but Luke became ruthless and unrelenting.

  “How many do you take a day, Jordan? Tell me, goddamn it.”

  The man had gone mute. Luke grabbed the baggies out of the medicine chest and began throwing them at Jordan. “I bet you’ll take six or seven at least, right?” His voice rose as he continued clearing out the shelves, the pills spilling from the bags to bounce on the floor, scattering all over. Little yellow bullets of death. “And it’s not enough, that craving, that want. You need more and more.” He waited for a denial, to hear Jordan tell him he was crazy. There could possibly be some crazy, outlandish reason why there were hundreds of Xanax pills in his medicine cabinet.

  “I can stop if I want to.” Jordan’s attempt to sound defiant came off as weak and pathetic.

  “That’s what every addict says.” Luke’s harsh voice echoed off the tiled walls of the bathroom. This was a nightmare, his nightmare. It was everything he swore he’d never become involved with. His life had been fine until he’d fucked up and fallen for a man he barely knew. This was why he never did relationships. The pain circling his chest tightened like a vise, threatening to crush his heart. Unbearable.

  “I’d already decided tonight, before you came, that I wouldn’t take anymore, I swear.”

  “Yeah, sure.” Lucas laughed, the taste of betrayal and heartbreak bitter, like ash in his mouth. “You can stop anytime you want to, right? You’re a bigger fool than I thought if you believe that.”

  “I’m not an addict because I need a little help coping.”

  “You’re an addict because you can’t stop taking these pills. Are you that fucking clueless? Because this”—he picked up the prescription bottle—“this is the only legal way to get what you need, but your doctor obviously doesn’t think you need them. But you want them. So you took it on yourself to get them illegally. That’s not coping.”

  Jordan sank to the floor and rested his head against the wall. “You can’t imagine what it was like. One minute he was there, the center of my world, and the next, he was gone. And without me ever getting a chance to talk to him. To hear his voice again.” Grief creased his face, the tears trickling down his cheeks. “Without a chance to say I loved him and say good-bye.”

  Luke knew he was meant to be alone, but it was his choice. Jordan had his whole life taken away from him with one fatal shot. “He knew how much you loved him. He felt the same way.”

  The sweet, vulnerable smile that broke across Jordan’s face nearly undid Luke. “He told you that?”

  Luke nodded and wondered again if Jordan had fooled himself into believing he could move on. Shockingly, a desperate need grew within Luke to have someone think about him, dream about him, love him the way Jordan loved Keith. He wanted that look on someone’s face when they thought about him.

  He wanted to see it on Jordan’s face.

  Once again, Jordan clutched at his arm. He could almost smell the panic rolling off Jordan’s skin. “Then you can understand why I needed something to chase the demons away. If I didn’t, I might have killed myself. There were days I thought about it, and the only reason I didn’t was the knowledge of how much it would hurt my parents.” Another long shudder rolled through Jordan’s frame.

  Jordan needed serious help, beyond what Luke could offer. “Drugs aren’t the answer, though. You’re heading for disaster. I-I care about you, Jordan. I don’t want to see you addicted. Buying drugs off the street is dangerous. You could get hurt or die.” From the highs of today to this absolute low, Luke felt emotionally drained and at a tipping point. This was, however, a line in the sand he wasn’t willing to cross. “You need to contact your doctor, get into more intense therapy, and give them up.”

  A weaker man might have crumbled at the discovery of such a humiliating secret. Not Jordan, however. The pale blue gaze held his, and Lucas saw not weakness but strength and determination. “I know. But you can’t go cold turkey off this type of pill or you can die. I promise I’m giving them up and will start weaning myself off them.” The vulnerability was back in his face, in the arch of his brow and the curve of his mouth. “I care about you as well, Lucas. I feel as though I’ve let you down somehow.”

  “Does anyone else know? Drew, Mike, or your family? Perhaps we could strategize and come up with a plan to help you.” But he should’ve known Jordan
’s pride would forbid such a revelation to his friends.

  “God, no.” The vehemence in Jordan’s voice surprised him.

  “I just thought, since they are your best friends—”

  “Can you imagine Ash finding out? That bastard would hold it over my head for the rest of my life.” Even as he pleaded with Luke, the distaste for Ash dripped from Jordan’s voice. “I don’t want their pity or for them to worry about me. Promise you won’t say anything to them. Please, Lucas.”

  As he stood contemplating the damaged man crouching on the bathroom floor, something unfamiliar rose within him. It might have been as innocuous as pity, but Luke didn’t think so. He’d never pitied anyone for the choices they made. Growing up, he’d had no choices—being placed in foster care, Ash leaving them; nothing in his life had been within his control. Until he’d been forced to make it on his own when he was abandoned by his foster family. Even then, the men who’d picked him up when he hitchhiked up north controlled his body.

  And if it had been anyone else, he’d have walked right out and never looked back. There’d never been room in his life for second chances before. But this was Jordan. Maybe it was the slight tremor in his voice as Jordan pleaded with him, or how his tousled hair fell over his eyes like a little boy’s. Or, as Luke sank down next to Jordan on the bathroom floor, it might have been the flutter of those gold-tinted lashes against his pale cheeks. Lucas didn’t want to think of what else it might be. The need to touch Jordan whenever they were together. To hold him close and feel his warmth, smell his skin. To taste him. To hear his name cried out in passion and desire as Jordan climaxed underneath him.

  “Lucas, I couldn’t bear it if you left me now. I need you. Help me? Please?”

  Whatever held him to this man, as he took a trembling Jordan into his arms, Luke couldn’t imagine leaving him. Ever.