After the Fire

by Felice Stevens

  “How is that going to be affected by your treatment? Won’t Luke be supportive and help you get through it?”

  Had he told Lucas from the beginning, Jordan wouldn’t have hesitated to say yes. But now, he couldn’t be so sure. He shook his head. “I don’t know. I might have screwed up so badly that the relationship is beyond redemption at this point.” Pain seared his chest as if he’d been branded with an open flame.

  “I’d have to believe someone who loved you would stand by you and understand your confusion.”

  Jordan nodded but was unable to raise his gaze from the floor. Patterns of sunlight danced across the black tiled floor. “Lucas had no parents, so growing up, he looked to Ash as his hero. When Ash left them, it crushed Lucas, and he withdrew into himself.” Jordan swallowed against the rising lump in his throat, remembering the pain in Lucas’s voice as he spoke of his past. “I still don’t understand what happened that he ended up in a hospital, but when the time came for him to be released, his foster parents and remaining foster brother, Brandon, had left town without a trace.”

  “He’s been on his own a long time,” Tash remarked, his voice contemplative. “Yet you think he’d leave you right when you need his support so desperately?”

  Jordan shrugged and withdrew his hand from Tash’s grasp. “It’s because he’s been on his own for so long. He doesn’t need anyone.”

  Tash huffed out a humorless laugh. “Don’t fool yourself, Jordan. We all need someone.” His eyes grew slightly unfocused, as if he was looking inside himself and wasn’t too happy with what he saw. “There are those nights when the dark is so black and thick, you can’t see yourself, and all you wish for is someone to hold on to. So you reach across those empty sheets of silence, groping and grasping, hoping you’ll touch something, anything warm and alive. But once again you come up cold.”

  Jordan stared wide-eyed at Tash, a little shocked at the naked pain on his face. “Tash, are you all right?” Without hesitation, he reached across the table and covered the man’s cold, slightly shaking hand.

  Jordan’s touch must have startled Tash, for he blinked and let out a nervous laugh. “Yeah, sure. I’m fine.” But he didn’t let go of Jordan’s hand, and strangely enough, Jordan didn’t mind. It was a solid hand, with strong fingers. They sat in companionable silence.

  Before Jordan could question Tash about the detox treatment and the specifics of what it would entail, a shadow fell over their table, blocking the sunlight streaming in from the large windows facing the street. Jordan glanced up, and to his shock, Lucas stood outside staring at their clasped hands, his eyes wide from shock and hurt.

  Shit. Jordan pulled his hand away and half stood, ready to bolt out of the coffeehouse, but Lucas had already taken off down the street. To chase after him would be pointless so he dropped back into his chair. Life couldn’t possibly get any worse than it was right at this moment, could it?

  Chapter Eighteen

  Pain radiated through Luke as he ran down the street. He hadn’t a clue where he was going but knew he needed to put distance between himself and what he’d seen. It surprised him that Jordan had moved on so easily, yet there it was, the irrefutable truth shoved in his face in the mocking, cheerful sunlight. He’d been ready to do it, tell Jordan he loved him and give away a piece of himself for the first time, when all along he’d been played for a fool.

  His footsteps slowed, but he continued to wander the streets, not paying attention to where he headed. It didn’t matter anymore. He had no place to be and no one to meet. Why did people look to form relationships and fall in love? The suffocating numbness choking him wasn’t worth it. He’d rather have remained alone and not suffered this aching void.

  The blare of a car horn startled him, and glancing up he saw he’d reached the High Line entrance. It ran all the way up the West Side of the city, from Gansevoort Street in the Meatpacking District to 34th St., about a mile and a half. On the weekends, he and Jordan would sometimes come to the elevated, park-like walk, built high above the city streets on the historic freight rail line, and enjoy the view of the city and the beautiful gardens planted. He climbed the stairs and wandered down the pathway, letting the crowds push him along. After about fifteen minutes, he spied an open bench and sat, staring at the skyscrapers until they blurred before his eyes.

  His cell phone buzzed, and Jordan’s name flashed on the screen along with a picture of the two of them and Sasha, a silly selfie taken at the park. Fucking hell. He wasn’t some teenage girl crying over a breakup. Time to get a grip and put this mistake behind him.

  “What is it?”

  Several people shot him wide-eyed looks, walking a bit faster as they passed by, and he realized his words had come out a bit louder than he’d thought.

  “Lucas.”

  The strain in Jordan’s voice struck a chord, and for a moment, he softened, worried that Jordan couldn’t handle the pressure. But then he recalled Jordan holding the other man’s hand, and he once again hardened his heart. “Yeah? What do you want?”

  “I, um, I’d like to see you, Lucas. Talk to you.” There was a small expulsion of breath, and then Jordan spoke again. “Please? I can come by your place, or you can come over and I’ll make dinner—”

  “Stop it.” The only reason Jordan wanted to see him was because he got caught. “There’s nothing to talk about. You let me think you weren’t taking the pills when in fact all the time we were together, you were on drugs. How real of a relationship did we even have if you were high all the time?”

  “Is that what you think?”

  The confident, arrogant man he’d fallen for contrasted sharply with the hesitant, broken voice he now listened to on the other end of the phone. For a moment he let down his guard. “Who was the guy you were holding hands with?”

  The phone remained silent, though Luke could hear Jordan’s breath. “He’s a friend.”

  “You looked more than friendly to me, the way you two held hands. Who is he? Have you been seeing him while you were also with me?” Luke held his breath, shocking even himself with the question. He’d never before thought to question Jordan’s fidelity, but now that he knew Jordan still used drugs…people did things out of character when they were under the influence.

  “Fucking hell, Lucas. No.” Anger vibrated out of the phone, and Luke pictured Jordan’s blue eyes spitting fire. He always liked when Jordan became angry, and despite himself a smile tugged at his lips.

  “Tash is only a friend. As a matter of fact—”

  “Tash? As in my secretary Valerie’s brother, Tash?” Now he knew why the man seemed so familiar. Dr. Sebastian Weber was a sophisticated good-looking man, and gay. Jordan’s type. And suddenly, Luke saw clearly how foolish he’d been to think Jordan could love him. Luke was a product of abuse, foster care, and the streets; Jordan, on the other hand, came from the world of prep schools, European vacations, and the best of New York City’s glamorous social life. Tash Weber, not Luke Conover, was the perfect partner for him. Add in the fact that he was also a doctor, and the two men had everything in common. Perfect for each other.

  “Yes, we met the other night.” Jordan started to explain, but Luke had no desire to listen. Wise to the ways of the street, when it came to matters of the heart Luke was as much of a sucker as a tourist right off the bus in Times Square. And suddenly, he needed to speak to the one person in the world who’d always understood him and had never let him down.

  “I’m sorry. I have to go.” Without waiting for Jordan to answer, Luke clicked off the phone. He stood and, with determined steps, left the High Line.

  “Baby doll, you look awful.” Wanda held Luke at arm’s length, searching his face with her dark, knowing eyes. “You wanna talk about it?” They were at the Center, where Wanda was in the middle of checking the supplies to make sure they had enough for the kids to do their art projects.

  Luke ducked his head like a child waiting to be scolded for doing something bad. “I do, but I feel like an i
diot.”

  “Is it about Jordan?”

  Luke looked up sharply. He hadn’t ever really discussed his and Jordan’s relationship with Wanda. “Um, well.”

  She grinned. “Oh, come on now. I’m not blind. You and that man had it bad for each other from the start. Every time you saw him, you’d get all grouchy and defensive like a bear. And that poor man’s been walking around wounded and lost, waitin’ for someone to give him a big old hug.”

  “I never intended it to be serious. I thought he was safe, that he wouldn’t mean anything to me.” Luke swallowed heavily. “That I—”

  “That you wouldn’t fall in love with him. Right, baby?” Wanda took him in her arms.

  He held on to her and nodded against her soft, sweet-smelling shoulder. “I think I made a mistake, and I don’t know how to fix it.”

  “But you want to, right? Because you love him.”

  “How did you know?” He kept his head down and his arms around her, not ready to face her scrutiny.

  “Baby doll, I’ve known since the first day you walked into the shelter that you were lookin’ for that special someone. I watched you grow up, and no one was prouder than me when you graduated college and worked your way up and got that job.” She paused for a moment, and Luke remained silent. He could hear his heart beating and feel the soothing touch of her hands across his back.

  “But when you met Jordan, a switch turned on inside of you. You became interested in life for the first time.” She laughed. “Even if you fought and argued, you enjoyed it. He made you come alive, baby. And I understand you’re scared about the past. But you gotta let it go. Grab this chance at happiness. Look at what happened to Jordan and his detective. Here one day and gone the next. You don’t want to lose Jordan over fear, do you?”

  “It isn’t that.” Luke finally pulled away from Wanda’s embrace and led her to a back room they used as a lounge, to take a break or eat their lunch while working. He closed the door and indicated she should sit in one of the comfortable chairs arranged around the rectangular table; then he took a seat. “Before I left for Europe, I found out that Jordan was abusing pills—Xanax. He started taking them when his fiancé was killed, and even though his doctor told him he didn’t need them any longer, he continued.”

  Wanda shook her head, her eyes sad. “That poor man. As if he didn’t have enough to deal with.”

  Luke shifted in his chair. “Anyway, he promised me when I left he’d see someone and kick the habit, but I found out at the opening here the other night that he still took them. He lied to me.”

  Wanda brushed the tears out of her eyes. “My heart breaks for him. So you’re tryin’ to comfort him and help him, I’m sure, and he’s pushin’ you away. Cause from what I’ve seen of Jordan, he’s too proud to let anyone try and help.”

  He cleared his throat. “Uh, not exactly.”

  She frowned. “I don’t understand.”

  Luke studied his fingernails for a moment. “I got angry with him because he lied to me. And it’s drugs. You know how I feel about that. I don’t even know if it’s really me he wants or if he’s always high when we’re together and it wouldn’t matter who he was with.”

  Wanda snorted. “Honey, you are outta your mind. That man is crazy about you.”

  “He’s crazy about his drugs. That’s all I know for sure.” He stood and kicked the chair away from him with his foot. “If I were enough for him, he wouldn’t need the pills. But I’m not. He denies it but it’s probably because he still loves Keith.” His hands clenched at his side as all the hurt and pain spilled out of him. “If he loved me, it should be enough. I should be enough for him. But I’m not. And I never will be because he doesn’t love me more than he loves his pills. Or more than he still loves Keith.” He turned his back on Wanda, unwilling to let her see the tears in his eyes. “I won’t be lied to, and I don’t need to be a stand-in lover for a dead man. I was fine on my own all these years. I’ll be fine again.”

  “Luke, look at me.” Wanda pulled at his shoulder. Reluctantly he turned around, his jaw set, eyes narrowed.

  “What is it? I know I’m right.”

  “No, you aren’t. I’ve been around the block more than one time and forgotten more than you’ll ever know.” She poked him in the shoulder. “Sit back down and listen to me.”

  Protesting crossed his mind, but in the face of her anger he wisely shut his mouth and flopped back down in his chair. “What?” He sounded like a petulant child, but he didn’t give a shit.

  “That man has been through hell in the past year, and you were the only thing he counted on. He finally learns to open up and give you his heart, and what do you do at the first sign of trouble? Instead of supportin’ and tryin’ to help him, you lecture him and act like you’re the one who was hurt.”

  “You don’t understand. He lied to me.”

  Wanda leaned against the desk and folded her arms. “Maybe knowin’ you would react this way, he was right not to tell you.”

  “But Wanda.” Luke used his most reasonable tone of voice. “If he was always high, then how do I know that he does care? I don’t know shit about relationships. You know that. But I’ve seen enough people hooked on drugs who’ll say or do anything when they’re high. I can’t and I won’t tell him how I feel if he’s on those pills.”

  “You’re taking away his hope, baby. Give him something to strive for. If he knows you’re there for him—”

  “No.” Luke cut her short. “I don’t want him kicking the pills for me. He needs to do it for himself.” Suddenly that conversation he had with Jordan about doing things for the right reason seemed prophetic. No wonder Jordan had become so agitated.

  Wanda nodded. “I agree. But at least offer him your support. Let him know you’ll be there waiting for him at the end.”

  The picture of Jordan holding hands with Dr. Tash Weber flashed through his mind. “It may be too late. I may have lost him already.”

  Wanda sniffed. “Who are you kidding?” Her voice rang out in disbelief. “I tell you what. You go right now to him and tell him how you feel. I guarantee you’ll make his afternoon.” She grabbed his arm and yanked him out of the chair, a wicked-looking grin on her lips. “Make sure you give him some lovin’ and let him know how you feel.”

  Heat warmed his cheeks. “Wanda…”

  She hugged him close. “He needs you now. No matter what you think. And I don’t care what you say; you need him too. He makes you feel, baby doll.”

  For a moment, he clutched her to him, the mother he never had, and let the tears fall. He might be thirty years old but he’d never had the chance to be a child.

  “But what if—”

  “Shh. I know what you’re gonna say. What if he doesn’t care?”

  He nodded into her shoulder, feeling like that lost eighteen-year-old all those years ago when he’d first stumbled into the shelter. Her warm, soothing hands rubbed his back as if he were that child in need of comfort. “I’m positive that won’t be the case, but if it is? Then you’ll have to change his mind, won’t you? Life isn’t ever definite. When you think you have it all figured out, it bites you in the ass, letting you know not to take anything for granted.”

  He sniffed and pulled away from her embrace. “Thanks.” Luke bent down and gave her a kiss. “I love you, Wanda.”

  “I love you too. Now go get your man.”

  She opened the door and pushed him out, laughing. The laughter in his throat died when he saw Jordan sitting at a table with Drew, Ash, and Esther.

  Their gazes locked across the room. He had no idea what he wanted until Jordan stood. He truly looked terrible, pale and drawn, as if he hadn’t slept all night.

  “Can we talk, Prep School?”

  The tentative hope flaring in Jordan’s eyes nearly broke Luke’s heart. He’d never looked as vulnerable as he did right then, so close to breaking. “I’d like that, Lucas.”

  Chapter Nineteen

  It had to be a good sign that Lu
cas was willing to talk. The earlier anger in his eyes had disappeared, replaced by caution. Perhaps he’d be willing to listen after all. “I have to go home and walk Sasha. Want to come with me?”

  “Yeah,” said Lucas. “I kind of miss that mutt.”

  Jordan leaned over and kissed Esther’s soft cheek. “I promise to come see you soon.”

  “Dear boy.” She placed her little hand on his and, to his surprise, stood up and led him away from the group. “Talk to me. You’re so hurt, and your eyes are so sad. Please, you need to make this right with Lucas. Finding love one time in this life is a joy. Finding it twice is a gift not many are given.”

  Stunned into silence, Jordan gaped at Esther. Love? He didn’t love Lucas.

  Did he?

  “Yes, I said it.” Esther’s sweet smile broadened. “It isn’t ever going to be the same as before. But it shouldn’t be. Lucas isn’t Keith. But he gives you strength and courage in a different way, I can see. And you, my dear, give him something he never had.”

  “What?” Jordan honestly didn’t think he had anything to offer. Not any longer.

  “A home. A sense of belonging to a person and a place. That young man has been searching all his life for someone to hold on to.” With surprising strength, she squeezed his hand. “I think you’re the one he needs.”

  “I never planned for any of this to happen.”

  A chuckle escaped Esther. “Oh, silly boy. Didn’t I ever tell you my own mother’s favorite saying? ‘Man plans and God laughs.’ When it comes to matters of the heart, we have little control. I’ve known you since you were a little boy and watched you grow up to be a man anyone would be proud to call a friend. You’ve never been afraid to stand up for yourself.”