by Lee Mae
“We’re going to critique Sam’s newest sketches at lunch today, like a mini art show. You in?”
I wasn’t sure how to respond to Trinity’s cheery question. “Uh, sure.”
Angel looked me over from head to toe. “Digging the Lidia Deetz ‘fit today,” she said of my all black ensemble.
I thanked her with a quote from the movie that was particularly apt. “My whole life is a dark room. One big dark room.”
Angel laughed until she snorted.
Trinity turned to her in delight. “Awww, babe.”
The two embraced, and before I knew it, they were making out in front of my locker. The pair had started dating not long after the Winter Formal and it was causing a little stir at school. Even now, a few boys started whistling as they walked by.
“Well, enjoy the taste of each other’s tongues. I gotta get to English class.” I closed my locker and headed off down the hall, not waiting for a response. Seeing another couple so happy after my fight with Zack last night was slightly nauseating.
I slid into my seat just before Zack entered. His eyes flashed to me, then turned away, never to acknowledge me again that class. I tried my best to keep up as we read through more of Romeo and Juliet, but the plot was hitting too close to home.
I raised my hand for a hall pass, then went to hide out in the bathroom until the bell rang. I couldn’t sit through another minute of staring at Zack’s back while the class dissected the lovers’ relationship. I managed to coast until lunch, when I found my friends under our usual tree.
I looked around at my group, glad that as of now, they were still my friends. I leaned back against the tree and watched as Sam presented her sketches to the group and we all talked about each of her drawings.
She turned the page to reveal one she’d done based on the photos we’d taken during Winter Formal. It was of Zack and me, lying in the field, hand in hand, looking into each other’s eyes. I bit my lip and blinked back tears, reeling from the memory of that perfect night.
“Hey, where is Zack?” Ash asked while the girls talked about the next sketch.
I shrugged. “I’m not sure.”
Ash nodded, then started pulling up the grass beneath him. He had a concerned look on his face, which made me wonder if maybe he’d heard something.
“Hey, uh, did Zack tell you anything recently? Maybe last night?”
Ash shook his head. “I don’t think he’s ever texted me outside of the group chat we all use. Why?”
“We…uh…we had a fight. I thought he might have talked to you about it.”
“No. Are you okay?”
I nodded, forcing a smile onto my face. “Yeah. I’m sure we’ll be fine.”
I wasn’t ready to talk to my friends about what happened, in part because I wasn’t sure how I would explain it without discussing Zack’s father’s suicide over my own father’s actions. It was just too much to lay on people and expect them to still hang out with you after.
The next to last class of the day was Econ, and I was seriously considering skipping it, but I figured it would be an opportunity to see if I couldn’t talk some sense into Zack. Maybe we could both get some perspective on this and find a way to move forward together.
When I entered the classroom, I found Chris sitting in the seat where Zack usually sat, and Zack was at Nate’s table.
“What are you doing here?” I asked Chris.
He snorted. “What does it look like I’m doing, brainiac? I’m sitting.”
I rolled my eyes and took a seat, shooting a glance at Zack, who continued to ignore me. When class was over, I rushed toward him as he fled the classroom.
“Zack, wait! I want to talk to you!” I followed him all the way to his locker. “We need to talk.”
He scowled. “I don’t need to.”
“Please. It’s been eating me up all night.”
“So? Not my problem.”
I could feel my heart sinking, but I wouldn’t give up. Grabbing his sleeve, I moved in closer. “I know you’re mad at me, and you think you hate me, but if you really did, you would have told your friends and mine about what my dad did to yours. But you haven’t, which makes me think that maybe there’s still a part of you that wants to be with me.”
He turned his head, burning me with his ice blue gaze. “Maybe I just don’t like to spread my business all over school.” He shut his locker. “Leave me alone, Nikki.” The way he said my name, like it was a curse word, hurt.
I watched him walk away and had to bite the inside of my mouth to stop from breaking down into sobs in the hallway. I knew there was no way I could make it the rest of the day. As calmly as I could, I collected my things from my locker and walked out of the school.
While I was sitting at the bus stop, an idea struck me. Since I couldn’t get any information out of Zack or off the internet, I would have to go to the source. I knew where the prison was, even though we hadn’t visited since the only time right after Dad’s incarceration.
If I timed it right, I could get to him before visiting hours were over.
Fortunately, I caught the last bus and managed to get in just before the end of the deadline for visitors. As I handed over my things and went through the metal detector, I was hit with the same intense feeling of unease as I had been the first and only time I’d visited.
The prison visitation room was stark, metal furniture and bare walls, with inmates in green jumpsuits sitting at small tables with their visitors. I saw my dad enter and headed toward him. He held out his hands for a hug but I stopped short of that, instead pointing to a nearby table.
“It’s good to see you, honey,” he said, his excitement genuine, and I felt a little niggle of guilt for not having visited more often. Then I reminded myself how thoroughly he’d ruined my life.
“Hi, Dad.” I looked around, not exactly sure how to start this conversation. “Uh, how have you been?”
“It’s been rough,” he said, scratching at the stubble on his chin. In all the years I’d lived with my father, he’d always been clean shaven, a five o’clock shadow the longest he’d let his facial hair go. He also now wore thick rimmed glasses, clearly no longer to afford his contact regime behind bars. “I’m trying to keep my head down and do my time. How’s your mother?”
I shrugged. “She’s okay. She’s found a job and is working all the time.”
He nodded. “Well, she won’t answer my calls.” By his tone, I could tell this hurt my father.
“She’s been really busy…we aren’t talking much either.” I didn’t know why it was suddenly important to me to stop him from feeling bad. Maybe it was the prison atmosphere. It was depressing enough as it was. No need to rub things in any deeper.
“That’s a shame.” He looked truly disappointed, which made me feel conflicted.
Finally, I couldn’t beat around the bush anymore. It was time to find out exactly what had happened with Zack’s dad.
“Dad, do you remember a man named Jack Modine?”
He looked at me, a neutral expression on his face. “Who? Why are you asking?”
“Jack Modine. He’s one of your victims. You took him for all he was worth.” I could tell by his expression that he was hiding something, but it was very difficult to tell, and if someone other than his own daughter was asking, they might have fallen for his poker face. “I know you know who I’m talking about.”
“Jack Modine.” He stared off into the distance. “The man with a passion for old muscle cars.”
“How did you meet him?”
“Golf course. That’s one of the standard ways I found clients. We’d pair up and play a round, and by the end I had their check in my pocket.”
“Why him?” The question just came out of me, but it was one I wanted an answer for.
My dad shrugged. “Why anyone? He had money. He wanted more, like everyone else always does.”
“So you didn’t care if he had a family? People that depended on him? None of that mattered as
long as he had money and trusted you enough to give it all to you?”
His brow furrowed. “Look, sweetheart, it wasn’t a moral issue for me. I never forced anyone to give me a dime, and I always made it clear that risk was involved.”
“I don’t think you’d be sitting in here right now if you’d done nothing wrong, so don’t sugarcoat things for my benefit.” My temper was starting to flare, and I wondered why I’d bothered to come out at all. My dad was still clearly in denial of all the pain he’d caused. “Why ruin Jack Modine’s life?”
My father wasn’t very happy with my tone. “I didn’t hear you complaining when you were out shopping for shoes with his money. Or harping on about ordering your Mercedes, with all the upgrades. You didn’t care where the funds came from then, so you don’t have a right to complain about it now.”
I slammed my hands on the table. “I didn’t know you were stealing it!” Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a guard look in my direction, putting his hand on his belt next to his nightstick. I tried to calm down, but emotions were running high.
Dad looked around uneasily. “Honey, settle down.”
“No. Jack Modine killed himself. He left a high school age son and a wife who were both devastated. And you’re responsible!”
A disgusting smirk spread across his face. “It’s easy to point fingers when you deny your own complicity. And Jack Modine wasn’t a saint. He was a greedy bastard, just like all the rest. It’s not my fault if he bit off more than he could chew.”
I stood up, no longer able to stand being in the same room as the man I’d once called my father. “You really are a horrible human being,” I hissed. “Don’t expect to see me again until you accept what you’ve done and stop calling everyone else greedy when you’re the one whose avarice gobbled up other families’ fortunes!”
“Nicole-”
Ignoring him, I hurried over to the exit, impatient for the guard to release me. I almost couldn’t remember why I’d showed up to talk to my father. Ostensibly, it was to get some perspective, to find out what kind of man Zack’s father was. But now I knew it was to help deal with the feeling of guilt that had been pressing on me since yesterday. Instead, I felt guiltier than ever.
Was he right? Was I complicit?
I didn’t want to have anyone’s blood on my hands, least of all Zack’s dad’s. But I couldn’t get past what my father had pointed out. I’d had no problem spending the money he brought home and had never asked where it came from.
Maybe I was as bad as he was. Maybe Zack was right not to forgive me.
I went home and took out my journal. Through my tears, I wrote down how angry I was at my father and how sick I felt about everything. I’d thought that maybe he would have felt some remorse about taking money from innocent people. But, it was obvious that he would do it all again if he could get away with it. I felt nothing but revulsion for the man who used to be everything to me. As far as I was concerned, he could rot in jail for the rest of his life.
17
Zack
FINALS WEEK LOOMED ahead, which was a problem since I hadn’t been able to focus on my studies for days. My grades had been strong all semester, especially once I’d signed Nikki on as my unofficial tutor. I knew they’d carry me a long way in my classes, but that didn’t mean I was eager to blow my exams.
And then there was the Econ project. A massive portion of our final grade related to the portfolio. The majority of the work was already done, as we’d been working on the project for the whole semester. But we did have to give a final report, which meant we’d have to stand up together and explain what we’d achieved.
As I entered Valley High that morning, I had to make my feet obey the new routine. They still wanted to carry me to her locker, which was how I’d started each day for the weeks that we were dating.
My arms were no longer burdened with her books, which I’d dutifully carried to English for her. I didn’t have to worry about whether she’d like what the cafeteria was serving for lunch, or make sure I was around to protect her in case Leigh and her crew got a wild hair up their collective asses.
I should have been breathing a sigh of relief. Instead, I felt like a man unmoored. By the time I finally reached my locker, I stood there like an idiot, in a fugue.
“Hey, man,” a voice said behind me.
I closed my locker and found Chris leaning against the one next to mine.
“Where’s your new crew?” he asked.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Sure. Like you didn’t just ditch us and start hanging out with the Weirdo Brigade.”
I knew he was referring to Nikki’s friends, but any mention of her or anything associated with her was not welcome right now. I was trying to kick my Nicole habit. That meant going cold turkey. “Nope. Never happened.”
“Yeah.” He stood there for a moment, silent, then nudged me. “You’re better off without that trashy skank. You know that, right?”
I reacted without hesitation, acting on instinct only. Before I realized it, I was slamming Chris into the locker, twisting the neckline of his shirt in my hand. “Just shut the fuck up. I don’t want you to ever mention her to me again. Do you understand?”
His eyes were wide with shock. “Damn, bruh, you must really hate her. What did she do? Go down on the basketball team?”
I was seething, and I twisted tighter until I could see a red line forming on his neck. “Just don’t talk about her. Don’t say her name. Don’t even acknowledge her fucking existence.”
“Fine,” he grunted out, pushing against my shoulders. I let go of his shirt and stalked off down the hall in the direction of my class.
At lunch, I skipped the lunchroom and headed outside, toward my car. As I was walking into the parking lot, Nate intercepted me on his skateboard.
“I heard you tried to choke Chris out this morning. What gives?” He jumped off his board and picked it up, brandishing it at me like a weapon. I wasn’t afraid, mostly because I couldn’t get up the energy to care.
“I told him to not mention her,” I growled. “She doesn’t exist. You want to go too, bruh?”
The ferociousness of my tone had his eyes bugging out. “Fuck, man. She hurt you bad, huh? I wish I didn’t have to say this, but I told you so, dude.”
I waved my hand in his face. “I don’t want to have this discussion. It’s over, I fucked up, and I’m moving on.”
Nate nodded, his face impassive. He tossed his board down and jumped on it, skating off toward the building.
I continued to my car. Climbing inside, I sped out of the parking lot, headed God knows where. I knew that I wasn’t supposed to leave the school grounds, but I refused to be near her. If she came up to me one more time asking to talk, I might actually break down and listen, and I couldn’t do that. There was just too much fucked up about our situation. It was best to pretend she didn’t exist, which meant getting the hell out of Dodge when I had the chance.
I couldn’t avoid her in all my classes, but thanks to a few last-minute changes to seating arrangements, I no longer had to sit next to her. As long as I kept from looking at her during those times of extreme duress, I could white-knuckle it through our shared classes.
I ended up on Pacific Coast Highway, realizing I’d been driving for forty minutes. I was going to get detention for skipping class. I’d lost time, thinking about her, dwelling on her, wondering how I was going to forget her.
Screw it.
There was no point in going back to school now. I’d spend the rest of the day in the faint sunlight, watching the waves and trying to convince myself that I wasn’t slowly coming apart at the seams without her.
I parked at one of the public beaches and kicked off my shoes, shoving my feet in the sand. It wasn’t hot but it wasn’t cold either, just a middling day. Not one for getting in the water, but for reflection it was fine.
I plopped down in the sand and watched the waves advance and recede. The ocean’
s movement was hypnotic, like the planet’s heartbeat. I sat there in silence, trying to push all the nagging thoughts out of my mind and find the calm that had been avoiding me for days.
It wasn’t easy to do. Although we’d only dated for a short while, Nikki had managed to dig her hooks in deep. I thought about her almost constantly, often forgetting that we were no longer together.
There were movies I wanted to show her, songs that made me think of her, random memes that I almost texted her before I would remember that it was over between us. The loss was so acute, it was like I was missing some vital organ.
Yeah, dumbass, your heart.
She ripped it out.
The temptation to resort to anger was palpable. It was what I’d done with Chris in the hallway. Rage was a well-remembered friend, always dependable to drive out the hurt that was too painful to allow myself to experience. But I had to break myself of that habit or I’d be no better than the bullies I’d railed against. No better than the bully I’d been myself.
Instead, I had to sit with the loss, accept it, and find a way to move on. It was something I didn’t seem to be good at. I still missed my dad like crazy, and he’d died over a year ago now. Time was supposed to heal all wounds, but time passed like a faucet with a slow leak. Drip… drip… drip over hours, days, weeks until it felt like you were trying to walk through a brick wall.
How long would it take me to get over her? How many drips before she was out of my mind completely? Right now, it seemed like I’d die before I finally banished her from my memory.
Do you have to banish her completely?
I started at the sound of my father’s voice. I knew it was all in my mind, but for a moment I could picture him sitting in the sand next to me.
Has she really earned this severe of an exile?
“Don’t you think so? Her dad cleaned us out,” I said out loud.
Is she her father?
“They have some serious similarities,” I argued. “The foremost being that they hide things from the people closest to them.”