by Lee Mae
Then are you me? Because I hid something pretty major from you and your mother.
His words caused me to frown. If I was punishing Nikki for her father’s sins, then she could do the same thing to me. Her father was a thief. My father was a good man, and he’d never stolen anything a day in his life, except on the day he ended his life.
On that day, he stole our future together. He stole birthdays, holidays, milestones. He stole growing old together from my mom, he stole becoming a grandfather from me. I knew he’d thought he had the best intentions at the time, but to me, he’d given up without a fight, thinking cash and comfort would outweigh the impact he had on our lives.
I scrubbed my face with my hands, my conscience weighing on me. “Still, she kept what her father did from me.”
And were you rushing to talk about what happened to me?
“That’s a false comparison. And I didn’t hide the fact that you were gone.”
But you didn’t exactly volunteer the fact that I got fleeced by a scammer and offed myself as a result.
“Stop!” I stood up. I’d come here to meditate and not to fight with the ghost of my father, who was actually just a figment of my own imagination. Walking to my car, I tried to push the thoughts out of my mind, but they continued to circle. Was I being unfair? And if so, to whom?
If I continued to keep Nikki out of my life, it could be unfair to her, but if I let her back in, it would be unfair to my father’s memory. There was no good answer to this question, so the only thing I could hope for was to put the whole situation to the side.
I parked in my driveway and entered the house to the smell of something baking. Entering the kitchen, I saw my mother pulling a pan of cookies out of the oven. “You’re home early,” she said, eyeing me.
I took a seat at the island and snagged a cookie off the newspaper she was plopping them on to cool. It was hot, and I had to blow on it before I could take a bite.
“Long day?” Mom said, looking at me with a concerned expression.
I chewed my cookie, trying to think of something to say and still coming up empty.
She patted my hand. “I guess that’s why they invented cookies.” Mom went back to transferring cookies and I watched her, thankful that some of her old cheerfulness was clawing its way back.
“How do you know if you’ve made the right decision?” I asked her suddenly.
“About what?”
“About anything. How can you be certain?”
She looked at me, her brow furrowed. “Well, you can’t. You just listen to your gut and go for it.”
“But what if your gut isn’t telling you anything?”
Mom froze, wiping her hands on a kitchen towel. “I guess you just have to trust your heart.”
I nodded, even if it wasn’t the answer I’d wanted.
She could tell something was bothering me, so she came around the island to ruffle my hair. My mother never could stand seeing me in a bad mood, so she’d do anything to cheer me up, including lame jokes.
“Or you can take a page from my book and trust your stomach.” Reaching for the plate, she picked up a cookie. “And by the way, a cookie is always the right decision.”
I chuckled as she took a bite.
18
NIKKI
IT WAS THE day of our Econ report, and I couldn’t manage to even get close to food. My mother was wolfing down a breakfast burrito in the kitchen, and the smell was making my stomach roil.
I wasn’t worried about giving the report, even though I hadn’t spoken to Zack since our breakup. He’d ignored all calls, texts, and emails. Still, we were in good shape before our relationship exploded, and I didn’t think we’d have much trouble today.
As long as he doesn’t strangle me during the presentation.
English, however, was excruciating to sit through. We all knew what happened to Romeo and Juliet, but it wasn’t like I could stop reading the story. We rushed toward the cliff, the end of the semester in sight, the star-crossed lovers destined for their demise.
I’d only avoided crying in the class by checking out completely, but I was called on to read that day. At least I wasn’t forced to act it out, and I was lucky not to be given the part of Juliet, but I had to concentrate, and as I did, the words penetrated, making me blink back tears.
Oh happy dagger, this is thy sheath. There rust and let me die.
Juliet had a flair for the dramatic, I’d give her that. I wondered how she’d felt in that moment of the ultimate finality. Had she thought of all she would miss, or was the only thing on her mind her Romeo?
If it was the latter, I couldn’t blame her. I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about Zack. He haunted me, a handsome ghost who lived in my memories, waiting to pounce in moments of weakness. A sweet couple on a commercial. A love song. A certain smell or sound or taste. Almost anything could make me think of Zack.
I was fucking miserable without him. The last thing I’d expected when I started school at Valley High was finding the guy who truly fit me. Zack was everything I never knew I wanted. I’d had him, and then I’d lost him, but not through my own doing.
Today, I’d be close to him during the report. This could be the last chance I had to grab his attention and convince him that he was making a mistake. I’d admit to my faults and promise to do better. All he had to do was give me another chance.
My friends realized the day I was having at lunch. “You’re pale as a sheet,” Sam said, holding her hand to my forehead. “Are you sick?”
“Guys, I have to tell you something,” I said, biting my lip.
“You broke up with Zack?”
My eyes widened at Ash’s statement. “Well, yeah.”
The group passed looks around and I realized they’d been talking about me behind my back.
I sighed. “You already knew.”
Angel nodded. “Yes. We’re sorry!”
“We didn’t want to ask you about it. We were trying to give you time to tell us yourselves.” Trinity squeezed Angel’s hand.
“How’d you find out?”
“You’ve been walking around like someone died,” Ash said. “And Zack’s no longer following you around like a well-trained dog.”
“I’m sorry I waited to tell you,” I said, hanging my head. “I just…it’s hard to talk about.”
Sam gave me a hug. “We’re here for you if you want to talk about it. Otherwise, we’ll give you space.”
I blinked back tears for the second time today. The friends I’d made at Valley High were heads above anyone at Augustus. If I’d gone through a breakup there, everyone in school would have known in a matter of minutes, and they would have never hesitated to pester me about it. No one would offer ‘space.’ They’d want to know all the juicy details right away.
“Thank you guys. I literally don’t know what I’d do without you.”
They gathered around me in a big group hug, and some of the pain I’d been lugging around since the breakup loosened its grip on my heart. Their hug made it possible for me to walk into the Econ classroom, ready to give the presentation of my life and win back my ex-boyfriend in the process.
Nate was now sitting in the chair next to me, but by now I’d grown used to Zack not being there. I went over my notes, gearing up for the report. A smooth presentation increased my chances of being able to talk to Zack afterwards. I wanted to let him know just how much I’d missed him.
Did I think he’d give me a second chance? A girl could only hope.
We were the third group to present, and from the first couple presentations, I knew our portfolio had strongly outperformed theirs. We had a couple minutes to set up, and I leaned in close to Zack. “I was thinking I could give the overview of the stocks, and you could talk about their performance and our investment totals?”
He didn’t respond, acting as if I didn’t exist. His behavior cut me deep, so I stood there, feeling raw and exposed, as the class watched me fall apart. I sputtered, clutching my
notes but unable to say anything.
“We selected to diversify initially,” Zack said out of the blue, rescuing me from looking like a total idiot, “but we decided to pounce on a unique opportunity along the way. Nikki is going to tell you about the stocks we chose, and I’ll talk about our results.”
His introduction unlocked my tongue, and my confidence swelled. I filled my time, going over the stocks we’d chosen, their histories and share prices. Then it was Zack’s turn. He led them through a timeline of performances, revealing the stock split and showing how high our profits had swelled when we’d sold our underperforming stock to buy more of the tech stock.
At the end, Mr. Marston complimented us on our insight during the stock split. He then took a minute to explain what a stock split was. As he talked, we stood there awkwardly. I decided that this was my chance to talk to Zack, since he was basically a captive audience.
“We need to talk,” I whispered.
For a moment, I didn’t think he’d respond to me, but he surprised me. “Not interested.” He unplugged his laptop, closing it with a loud snap.
“Please. I want to talk about what happened. I spoke to my dad.”
Zack turned and looked at me, and for a moment, I lost my breath. He was so incredibly handsome, and I longed to be held in his strong arms again. But his gaze was so cold, it chilled me to the bone.
Mr. Marston finished up his explanation, and we had to return to our seats. Zack hadn’t answered me, but if things continued as they had, he wouldn’t speak to me after class, or at any other time. It was like I didn’t exist.
Class continued on, and I bit my nails, worrying endlessly that my last chance would end in failure. Finally, after the final oral report, the teacher focused our attention back on him. “It’s time to reveal the students with the top performing portfolios. Ready?”
I wasn’t paying attention, so Nate had to elbow me to make me focus. “Didn’t you hear that? You and Zack had the best portfolio.”
The class was clapping, and Mr. Marston held out two medals. “Come and get your awards,” he said, then imitated Pomp and Circumstance by humming.
I got up and followed Zack to the front of the classroom. He had to bend down for Marston to be able to put the medal around his neck.
“Impressive work, Zack,” the teacher said.
“Thank you.”
Then it was my turn. “You should be proud of yourself,” Marston said, placing the medal over my head.
I smiled. “Thanks.”
It was a plastic toy painted gold, on a cheap red white and blue ribbon, but I didn’t care. Pride filled me. Zack and I had worked well together as a team, and this was proof.
The class dispersed, but I grabbed Zack’s arm before he could get away. “Please, give me a chance to explain a couple things.”
I was sure he was going to turn me down. His eyes were like twin chips of ice. I was already forcing myself to keep breathing, so sure was I that my desired second chance would never materialize.
For the second time today, he surprised me. “Fine. Let’s blow off P.E. and talk.”
My eyes widened. “Sure.”
“Meet me in the parking lot in ten minutes.” Zack left the room without another word.
A short time later, I was rushing out of the double doors and heading into the parking lot, looking around for Zack. I saw him by his car where he stood silently, waiting for me to approach.
“Where are we going?” I asked when I got close enough for him to hear me.
“Nowhere. Get in.”
I climbed in the Nova, a small thrill going through me as I hadn’t expected to have a chance to be in his car again. The leather from the seats was a smell I now associated with Zack, and as I inhaled it, I could feel my heart start to beat harder.
“You wanted to talk,” he prompted.
I nodded. Taking a deep breath, I went over the speech I’d prepared in my head and rehearsed over and over. But when I opened my mouth, the speech wasn’t what came out.
“I miss you.”
19
Zack
SHE MISSED ME.
The words did something strange to my insides. Every time I tried to convince myself that I could get over Nikki, something like this came along to knock me on my ass.
I gritted my teeth.“Is that all you have to say?”
My voice sounded harsh, even to my ears, but I had no choice. I wasn’t going to let wheedling break my resolve. She missed me, and I missed her, but that wasn’t enough.
“No,” she said, leaning her head back against the seat and looking at me. “It’s just the first thing. I miss you. I miss spending time with you. I miss doing our homework together. I miss you baking cookies. I miss kissing you. Touching you. Even texting you when I’m bored or happy or lonely. I miss you so much that it feels like half of me has disappeared.”
Her words were difficult to listen to, mostly because I could have been saying the exact same things to her. I kept my feelings to myself, waiting for something concrete.
I’d been expecting Nicole to try something during the Econ report today, and honestly part of me would be disappointed if she hadn’t done anything. But I had no idea what she could say to convince me to give her another chance.
I couldn’t let go of my anger. Not just at not telling me about her father, but at the lifestyle she’d lived on the backs of people. Like my dad and people her father had no problem exploiting. What kind of son would I be to let all of that go?
“I know you’re upset about what happened between our fathers, and you have every right to be. You have to understand, I knew nothing about what mine did for a living. He’d never been anything more than a successful hedge fund manager to me. Then one night, the FBI raided our home and everything changed.”
I heard her sniffle and my chest started to ache, but I wouldn’t let her see how her tears affected me.
“Can you imagine what it’s like to learn that your dad is a criminal? To know that everything you have was purchased with stolen money? For the longest time I couldn’t even wrap my head around it. But when 98 percent of our possessions were seized by the United States government, it became real apparent that my things didn’t belong to me, not really.”
She looked out the window as she continued, her tone softening. “My mom got it the worst, though. She was used to being a trophy wife, enjoying luxury shopping trips and long lunches with her rich friends. Now we had no money, nowhere to live, and our friends all turned their backs on us because of what my father did.”
I saw her wipe a tear and my fists clenched. I wanted to reach out to her, pull her into my lap and comfort her, but I couldn’t. I shouldn’t.
“Now my mom works all the time. We barely see each other, but she’s keeping food on the table and providing for the two of us as best as she can. Her husband is in jail, and she’s the laughingstock of Beverly Hills. But she doesn’t give up, and I won’t either.”
Turning back to me, I could see the intensity shining in her bright green eyes.
“I went to my father to ask him why he ruined your dad’s life, and I realized my father didn’t care who stood in his way. To him, it was the investors’ fault for trusting him with their money. He’s callous, selfish, and disgusting.”
Her voice broke, and it took all of my strength not to put my arms around her. “He said I was complicit, and maybe I was, but I can swear to you now that I would never behave like he did. And although I know it won’t make a difference, I want to apologize on behalf of my family for all the pain we’ve caused you. I am so… so sorry.”
I wasn’t sure what I’d expected of this conversation, but an apology for her father’s misdeeds wasn’t it. Her words were burrowing inside me, making me question all my doubts. Was I being too hard on Nikki? Could I trust her to be better than her father?
Could I forgive her?
As she spoke, I realized that trusting Nicole would be easy. She might be forceful and stubborn
, but she wasn’t someone I could actually see betraying anyone. She could have sucked up to Leigh, earned acceptance in the popular crew, and turned her back on her friends. She could have not shown up the report today and told the teacher about our breakup. She could have given up on me taking her back. And yet, she didn’t.
But forgiveness?
That was a harder pill to swallow. What her father had done to mine was unforgiveable, but could I hold her guilty for her father’s crimes? And furthermore, the fact that she hadn’t opened up about her father being in jail in the first place was the reddest of all red flags. This was the wall I kept hitting, and I was once again banging my head against it now.
“Nikki, I have feelings for you, and I’m not sure they’ll ever go away.”
She perked up at my words, her face breaking into a tremulous smile. It was beautiful, that smile, which is why it absolutely sucked to have to shatter it.
“Despite those feelings, a relationship between us will never work.”
Her face fell. “Why? It was working perfectly before this misunderstanding happened.”
“That’s not true. I didn’t know the full story then, so it was far from perfect.” I ran my hand through my hair distractedly. “You hid what had happened to your father from me. You could have told me at any time, but you didn’t trust me with that information.”
“That’s not why I did it, not because I didn’t trust you. It was…I mean, how do you even start such a conversation? ‘Hey, I know we haven’t known each other long, but did you know my father was a convicted felon for a Ponzi-style investment scheme? Yeah, he’s been sentenced to twenty years, so by the time he gets out, I’ll be almost forty years old.’”
Her tone was urgent but also sarcastic, and it irked me.
“You could take the subject seriously, just like you could have come to me at any time and told me about your life. Instead, you pretended to spring fully-formed from your shitty two-bedroom apartment.”
Nikki rolled her eyes. “And when exactly would have been the right time? When we were doing homework? Watching a horror movie together? Making out in your bedroom? When is the best time to tell your boyfriend that your father is in prison?”