Book Read Free

The Lives and Times of Archy and Mehitabel

Page 19

by Don Marquis


  although privately i dont think

  its going anywhere in particular

  its just running around in circles

  chasing its tail like one

  of mehitabel s fool kittens

  mehitabel the cat

  says she is not scared

  by the cleanup in the moving pictures

  cheer up says mehitabel

  television is coming some time

  and who knows but what television

  will be lousy and enjoyable

  and by the time television is

  cleaned up

  the pictures will get immoral

  again

  there is always hope says

  mehitabel

  if you dont weaken

  the artistic purpose

  of these periods of reform is

  to give

  greater zest to the relaxation

  which follows

  prince gets jail term

  says a headline

  selfish aristocrat

  as if us communists did not need

  all the jail room we can get

  with a hard winter coming on

  and here and there a job

  looming up that has to be dodged

  new england womens clubs were excited

  over a questionnaire

  addressed to college girls asking them

  if they were interested

  in a companion without marriage

  or a companion with marriage

  a marriage with children

  or children without marriage

  hells bells said mehitabel the cat

  i should think they would be

  interested in all of them

  though perhaps not at the same time

  i am continually shocked and reshocked

  at the flaunting depravity of that

  careless cat

  and yet i suppose she serves a purpose

  if there were not always someone

  who needed reform and regeneration

  the world would get as dull

  for us good people

  as two honeymoons full

  of honeymoon bridge

  the country is getting so full

  of poor relations

  that many persons are purchasing

  cars with two rumble seats

  i heard two bums

  talking yesterday

  i am afraid said the first one

  that this depression will peter out

  before long and we will have

  to go to work

  cheer up said the second one

  we have weathered many

  spells

  of good times before this

  i would almost welcome good

  times again

  people are so sour nowadays

  and the relief agencies are

  getting so critical

  scab retorted his companion

  quitter

  the season is approaching

  when there will be a lot of

  big dinners

  to consider what should be

  done

  about the hungry multitudes

  when i was in hollywood

  i ran across the ingenious theory

  that the japs might make trouble

  just because so many

  americans had been coming in

  to their state of california

  archy

  archy broadcasts

  Announcer:

  Archy the Cosmic Cockroach will now talk to you on world affairs. Archy, what do you consider the most feasible remedy for overproduction?

  archy

  well i dont want to go into details with a couple of million people unless i can watch their faces and make a quick change if i seem to be going too far but i will say that in my opinion the problem of overproduction has been very competently handled by the birth control productions

  Announcer:

  Do you think the time is ripe for launching a third national political party in America?

  archy

  it is more than ripe it is rotten

  Announcer:

  Will you give your interpretation of the Japanese activities of the past few months?

  archy

  all i feel free to say is that i would never pick a cherry blossom unless i were sure it did not have a wasp hidden in it

  Announcer:

  What changes do you suggest in our national financial system?

  archy

  well boss when i have money i dont want any change and when i am busted i always think oh whats the use

  Announcer:

  Do you think this country ought to join the League of Nations?

  archy

  aint they both got trouble enough living in sin without marrying each other

  Announcer:

  Do you think a general adoption of the Marxian philosophy is necessary to save the world?

  archy

  i always liked harpo and groucho but i never could see karl

  Announcer:

  Have you any notions on farm relief?

  archy

  you let the farmers alone they make business for the manufacturers when i hitch hiked from los angeles to new york last summer i saw three thousand miles of tractors and farm machinery sitting out in the rain getting rusty wherever there was rain and i said to myself that is the right idea that will make money for the manufacturers as far as the farmers are concerned they are used to getting along without money anyhow

  all they got to do is mortgage some more land to get new farm machinery to work the land they have just mortgaged and that is a good deal easier than dragging the farm machinery in under a shed if they organized with state or national associations to have an effect on the prices of their product that would be a great deal of trouble also and it might take away the chance of raising hell with their congressmen which is one of the delights of their life

  government control of agriculture may be all right but i should hate to see it run into agricultural control of government because the agriculturists have never yet shown that they could control their own business let alone the business of everybody else

  all they got to do is gang up efficiently among themselves to run their business but they never can stay ganged up they run out on each other

  and then after they have run out on each other and caused a crop program to fail they blame somebody else for the failure

  i am a great believer in letting every industry run its own affairs if it cannot learn it must perish

  the farmers have the greatest natural economic lever-age in the world in human necessity for their products and their failure to utilize it is not a recommendation for extending their political power

  you let the farmers alone if they had rather revert to the status of peasants than progress to the status of business men that is their own business

  let the railroads alone too if they can no longer compete with motor traffic without special privilege to help them let them pass and let motor traffic have its day

  archy

  on the air again

  Archy the Cockroach made another radio “appearance” last evening; and a brief résumé of the broadcast is appended:

  Announcer:

  This program comes to you through the courtesy of the Knockemorf Insect Exterminator Company, Inc.… Ladies and gentlemen, and all you wee tots who are listening in, this is the Roach Paste Hour, and it is my privilege to introduce Archy the Cockroach on Current Events.

  Archy, tell us what you think of Current Events.

  archy

  well with regard to currants i have never been much of a bug for currants

  i could always take them or leave them alone but with razzberries it is different i am a bug for razzberries and with regard to the events of the day i regard them as beginning continuing and ending with just one fruity razzberry after another

  Announce
r:

  What is your program for debt settlement?

  archy

  my policy with regard to debts is a kind of a yes and no policy like every other statesmans yes it would be awfully nice if they were paid but no they are not going to be

  Announcer:

  What do you think of inflation?

  archy

  anything you blow up ought to have a squeaker in it so when deflation comes people will listen to the squeaker and not realize the wind is coming out of the situation

  maybe we could get senator bilboa for the squeaker

  Announcer:

  Have you thought deeply concerning technocracy?

  archy

  oh yes indeed very deeply

  Announcer:

  Will you tell the listeners-in of the Roach Paste Hour the results of your thought?

  archy

  i have thought too deeply for that i have thought so far down into the subject that i am way below the place where there could be any results and even if there were results it would take me years to climb up again far enough to announce them and by that time everything will be different

  Announcer:

  What do you think with regard to the tax situation in general?

  archy

  if i put it on the air they would not be able to use the air any more afterward

  the post office department would cut out the air as a means of communication

  and if i printed it in a paper it would be the last issue of that paper

  if i were to use any sincere language with regard to taxes i would not be generally understood because there are only a few people in the world low life enough to understand the language i would use and they do not pay taxes

  that is what i think about taxes

  Announcer:

  I do not quite understand you.

  archy

  what i mean is that most people are too decent and too well brought up to comprehend my vocabulary if i got onto the subject of taxes

  Announcer:

  What do you think about Wall Street?

  archy

  i think nature will take its course if we leave things alone

  i was down that way one day last fall and i noticed at one end of wall street was a river and at the other end was a cemetery

  if we dont watch it too closely some time it will crawl into the cemetery or else crawl into the river and that will end all these wall street questions which are forever coming up

  Announcer:

  What are your ideas with regard to the Philippine Islands, Japan, China, Manchuria, the Open Door, the League of Nations, Mussolini, and the Gold Standard?

  archy

  the doctor has got me off of them he said i would either have to give them up or else lay off of gin and i could take my choice

  but i will say as a general proposition i am opposed to them and it is my belief that sooner or later you will see them all down in union square getting clubbed by the cops which will prove that they are not respectable and to hell with anything not respectable has always been my motto

  if george washington had got clubbed by the cops that would have proved he was a bolshevist and a communist and we would have heard very little more about him

  Announcer:

  What do you think of having a dictator for this country?

  archy

  that always comes down to a question of who bosses the dictator and i have very little time to give to that myself as i am full of literary projects

  Announcer:

  Do you believe the repeal of the anti-liquor laws has been an improvement?

  archy

  it may not have improved the country but it has improved the liquor

  Announcer:

  What did you think of the Russian five-year plan?

  archy

  i think it was a good thing and should be extended five years more every five years indefinitely until it either works or doesnt work which is all you want to know about any plan

  but i will say that in a general way i am very hopeful not only about the future but about the past in looking over the past i find a lot of swell things have happened in the history of the world and today i find it far easier to be optimistic about the past than about the future

  Announcer:

  Are you in favor of Fascism for this country?

  archy

  well i wouldnt say in favor of it exactly but i guess at that it is a good deal handier than the old type of ice box where the iceman has to drag the ice through the kitchen and leaves little pools of water everywhere and you forget to empty the pan and it spills over and runs down through the ceiling of the room underneath

  resurgam

  look a here boss this thing

  has gotta stop i

  appeal to you for protection that

  roughneck guy down cellar who

  sent up the desiccated remnant of

  a common chocolate colored water bug

  and put it down by our typewriter

  labeled exit archy is a person wholly

  devoid of any real human

  sensibility it

  wasnt even decently preserved frag

  mentary if you get what i mean when

  my time to exit comes again i am

  not going out that way in the cellar of

  a printing shop i think i shall be a

  humming bird next time or maybe i

  shall take on something practical like

  being a pawnbroker that depends a good

  deal on how i am treated in this place

  anyhow i am tired of this kind of

  practical joke the reports of my exit

  as uncle mark twain said are greatly

  exaggerated

  archy

  the ant bear

  the ant bear may be toothless

  but scorn not his capacity

  his appetite is ruthless

  his chief vice is edacity

  he boasts without apology

  his fad is entomology

  archy

  two comrades

  i was walking in the park

  the other day when i heard

  a couple of fellows on a bench

  exchanging ideas

  the government says number one

  ought to have these parks

  air cooled in summer

  yes and heat them in winter

  says number two

  how much longer says number one

  are we going to stand for this

  tyranny and oppression

  no wonder communism is growing

  they paid some friends of mine

  not to raise pigs or potatoes

  said number two

  now i am off relief

  and theyve got to pay me

  not to raise hell

  that sounds good said the other one

  why couldnt we organize a racket

  along those lines

  poney up the jack or we will

  become communists

  suppose we give it a good patriotic

  name like the defenders of

  the constitution or something

  i see by the papers that they are

  going to spend millions for more

  new roads

  who the hell wants more auto roads

  said his friend

  there are roads enough now

  what the poor man needs is more automobiles

  to ride on them

  and the government ought to give them to us

  and the gasoline too

  i refuse to help build roads

  unless the government gives me a car

  to use on them

  they ought to give us chauffeurs too

  said the other bum

  they gotta give me a car

  and a chauffeur or else

  i will turn communist

  if we could get paid by moscow

  for turning commun
ist

  and get paid from washington

  for not turning communist

  it would just exactly suit me

  we might weather it through

  until good times come again

  to hell with good times

  said the other one

  somebody is always shoving a job at you

  in good times

  what i used to suffer in good times

  would draw tears from a stone

  i never did so well in my life

  as i have done during the recovery period

  if us guys all stick together

  we may be able to prevent

  the return of good times

  i doubt it said his friend

  the damned capitalists

  will sooner or later

  be grinding us down under the

  iron heel of prosperity again

  boss i am glad i am

  only an insect

  and dont have to give myself headaches

  trying to understand about

  finance and economics and prosperity

  and relief

  archy

 

‹ Prev