The Lives and Times of Archy and Mehitabel

by Don Marquis

  unless you yield to

  archys demands the strike

  will spread the water bugs

  are going out in

  sympathy with archy and the

  vers libre poets union

  are preparing a sympathetic

  strike the public will know whom

  to blame they will blame you

  it is your capitalistic

  attitude that is

  prolonging the trouble take

  warning by what

  happened to henry and ernatz

  So far the Mayor, the District Attorney, and the Governor have done nothing—less than nothing. We demand protection for our contributors, or we shall have a word or two to say about these officials. Several of our contributors have been threatened—C. B. Gilbert, Benjamin DeCasseres, Edward S. Van Zile, H. W., Edward Hope, and the Editor of the column have all received threatening letters from the Archy faction.

  Whither is this country drifting?

  The column hesitates to adopt the expedient of employing strikebreakers and guards for the purpose of getting contributors through the Archy lines; but if it becomes necessary, it shall be done. A dozen tarantulas have been offered to us by a steamship company which maintains a line of boats between this port and South and Central America, and unless the cockroaches cease to interfere with our employees, or the proper authorities wake up and give us protection, we shall be obliged to accept this offer.

  the public and the strike

  SIR: Restore the Archytect who made the column famous. Our Monarchy forever!!!—J.U.N.

  SIR: I was amused at the suggestion of F.J.C. that Archy might win. The poor cockroach hasn’t even the chances of the proverbial snowball or the tallow cat hotly pursued by the asbestos pup. His chances are about those of law clerks on strike. My sympathies are with Archy as they surely are with law clerks, but roaches and law schools are equally prolific.—J.C.

  SIR: Your column has so deteriorated that I shall never buy another paper until this Archy business is settled in Archy’s favor.—STEADY READER.

  Don’t let Archy pine and die,

  We miss his gracious art,

  Don’t grudge him half an apple pie;

  Recall him; have a heart!

  Let me subscribe a dozen pies

  And keep the column bright—

  Call Archy back and compromise

  Or kiss yourself good-night!

  H.D.

  SIR: This is to give you formal notice that unless Archy is reinstated within forty-eight hours the entire reportorial staff of the newspaper will walk out. It seems almost incomprehensible that anyone should throw over a cultured cockroach like Archy, one who shows the breeding and refinement of the butler’s pantry, for a low thing like Henry, who has probably spent most of his life roaming over musty pies and concrete doughnuts in Park Row basement restaurants.—E.B.

  SIR: Siding entirely with Archy in his fight for living wages, if you will kindly give me his address in your daily column I will get in touch with him and induce him to accept a good position with a newspaper published by a large exporting firm. Do you think he would be averse to soliciting advertisements from any kind of people who may be willing to come across with the dough?

  M. DE LA PENA.

  SIR: The truth about Archy’s strike: I myself have been threatened by a strike of my characters—Craig Kennedy, Walter Jameson, and all. Archy is the walking delegate in the strike of contribs.

  I have a proposal for us authors. I propose that we apply to the American Federation of Labor for a charter ourselves—the Central Federated Union of Authors, Local No. 1. We will not insist on the closed shop at once, but that will come ultimately. The final goal must be the super-closed shop—every reader of a book or magazine, every spectator at a picture show or theater must belong to the union. Toward this glorious ideal Archy has taken the first step. I hope he pickets your scab column and puts it on the “unfair” list. Better come on in—the water’s fine.

  ARTHUR B. REEVE.

  SIR: As a strike breaker Henry was a mighty poor pick, unless he was all the detective agency had to furnish. If you were not such an impetuous boss you might have discovered this before putting your foot down on Archy’s moderate demands. It would be just as well before you go further to let a pile driver drop on all there is of the pretentious Henry. A friend of Archy’s tells me that Archy’s back is much stiffened since he has seen the quality of his substitute’s work. And this friend doesn’t think that either the Governor, the Mayor, the District Attorney, the Corporation Counsel, the Public Service Commissioner, the Police Commissioner, the Inspector of Garbage, or all combined can induce Archy to arbitrate. Indeed it is believed that Archy is preparing something really drastic, in case you should be willing to capitulate before the end of the week. I am sure you can save your face now better than you will be able to later on.

  You gotta give in. Another time don’t be so quick to monkey with the bug-saw.

  A FRIEND OF BOTH.

  SIR: Let me be the “Obvious Adams” in the Archy strike. I buy the paper every night at two cents. It is obvious that my total expenditure for the week is twelve cents. It is further obvious that a piece of pie of the dimensions demanded by Archy costs but ten cents. Therefore it is obvious that you can pay his demands and still work at a profit.

  Until the strike is decided in Archy’s favor I shall continue to read your paper over the shoulder of my fellow passenger, or, I will subscribe to the Subway Sun.

  This is final!

  IGGIE.

  SIR: I congratulate you on having got rid of Archy. Now maybe we can have some more Fothergil Finch. And what has become of Hermione, the Beautiful communist? Seriously, I have always felt that Archy was beneath the dignity of the column.

  W. F. MARNER.

  archy gets a 50 per cent increase

  Archy agreed this morning to return to work, for at least a week, pending a final adjustment of the difficulties between him and the column.

  Archy’s demands were for a piece of apple pie once a week and for larger type for his contributions.

  These demands will be considered in the final adjustment.

  In the meantime, and pending the final adjustment, Archy returns on the basis of a 50 per cent increase in salary.

  It is our contention that a 50 per cent increase is a very liberal increase, indeed, and that this temporary settlement should be a permanent settlement.

  We admit that the public has been with Archy during the recent troubles. And it was only the pressure of public opinion that influenced us to take him back at all.

  But, having decided that we must yield, we determined to come across handsomely.

  THE 50 PER CENT INCREASE IN SALARY WAS OUR OWN SUGGESTION.

  AND, ON OUR OWN INITIATIVE, WE HAVE MADE THIS INCREASE RETROACTIVE.

  That is to say, not only does Archy get the 50 per cent increase during the week before the final adjustment, but we have volunteered to give it to him during the period covered by the strike, and for a term of two weeks prior to the strike.

  SIR: Since Archy first became prominent as a literary bug, I have followed him through all his travels and adventures with fascinated interest. To me his vicissitudes have been a continuous source of enjoyment. And now that you have forced this poor downtrodden creature to abandon you to your own puny talents, may you live to regret it. Tomorrow when I open my paper, if Archy does not appear in the newspaper, I shall clip your column and burn it publicly with due and proper ceremony.—GUS.

  We print, below, Archy’s own comment upon the temporary settlement:

  comment from archy

  well boss you see

  where you stand now i hope the

  public cannot get along

  without me

  i have won a moral victory

  for you have agreed in

  principle that i

  should have a raise in

  salary i will have to

&nb
sp; think over it a

  long time however before i

  will consent to a 50 per cent

  raise as a permanent settlement

  and will have to take

  advice it seems like a very

  generous proposition on the

  face of it but at the same time

  i dont think it is

  altogether right the figures look

  good but i am puzzled you

  see i was not getting any salary at

  all when i quit work and if

  i got a raise of

  50 per cent above that the

  question is what do i get

  i would much rather have a

  little something to eat every

  week than all these figures but

  at the same time i

  must admit that a 50 per cent

  raise looks good

  on paper especially as you are

  willing to make it

  retroactive maybe the

  retroactive part means that i

  will get a little something

  to eat at any rate it is easy

  to see that i have won a most

  important victory i would be willing

  to make a permanent

  settlement on the basis of

  a 25 per cent increase and a half

  a piece of pie i never was any good on

  figures and maybe i am

  getting a lot as it is but i

  would rather have less

  of a victory and more to eat

  archy

  We print this communication in full in order to show the public the difficulty we have with Archy. We have yielded in principle, we admit that he has won a victory, and we have given him a 50 per cent raise. It seems to me that we have done even more than could have been expected, but he seems dissatisfied. And yet he must know that he is in the wrong, for even while he talks of a moral victory he reduces his former outrageous demands for food by one half. He has been on the job without any food at all, so far as we know, for four years, and this sudden demand of his for something to eat does not have the ring of sincerity to our ears. What did he eat before he worked for the column? There is a strain of sordid materialism in Archy, we are afraid.

  well i note you

  put me back into nonpareil

  again monday after raising me

  to brevier all right boss

  all right grind down

  the laboring man there will come

  a day of reckoning i dont have

  to do this you know as far

  as the food is concerned that

  you have been giving me i lived before

  i ever got into your column must close now

  as mehitabel the cat is

  scratching her claws against

  the desk in a meaning sort of way

  yours hastily

  archy

  a conversation with archy

  insects and

  the so called lower

  animals have practically

  no vices at all

  as compared

  with human beings

  archy

  Yes, yes, Archy; but does that prove the superiority of insects and the so-called lower animals? Or does it seem to point toward the necessity of vice in the evolutionary scheme? And to say “the necessity of vice” is to say “the necessity of morals”; for where there are no morals there is no vice.

  well well

  you do not feel

  very sure of your

  position or you would

  not condescend to argue

  about it with an insect

  there is another thing

  which i would like

  to bring up

  while we are talking

  frankly to each other

  and that is

  the question of my raise

  i returned to work faithfully

  on the understanding

  that i was to be fed

  occasionally

  but you never leave

  anything on your desk any more

  archy

  We give you an opportunity to express yourself, and for the true artist that should be enough. You are always talking about your devotion to your art.

  i want to be paid more

  where would you be

  if i left you flat

  the only ideas

  you ever had

  you got from me

  and after this i want

  to appear in ten point

  type

  archy

  After this you appear in minion type, or you don’t appear at all.

  just listen to this then

  this is my ultimatum

  unless this piece

  i am now writing

  appears in ten point

  type i will never

  write another line

  for you

  archy

  Just for that it goes in minion. And we are not afraid of your quitting us, again. We know that expression is the great need of your soul, and that rather than not get the publicity you would take it even in agate.

  i want to say just

  one more word before

  i get through with you

  forever

  and that is that you

  are a damned ingrate

  i made you what you are

  and this is the treatment

  you give me

  archy

  That outburst of rebellion reduces you to nonpareil.

  all right

  good by forever

  archy

  You see what trying to bully us gets you! Your farewell is in agate. No cockroach can intimidate us! And if you ever come back into the column you come back in pearl type, and work your way up again. The suggestion of pay for contributions is repulsive and bolshevistic. Columns simply are not done that way.

  well this goes into

  brevier type instead of nonpareil

  if you keep your promise thank

  you for the raise in salary boss

  but i find i have not

  anything of great moment

  to say how often that

  happens when a man becomes

  conspicuous he has used all

  his best stuff winning fame in

  small type or some other

  inconspicuous way and in

  poverty and obscurity has put his

  soul into his work suddenly fame

  and success come and he gets promoted

  to big type on account of his

  merits and lo and behold his

  great thoughts desert him thank you

  for the raise i hope the common fate

  will not overtake me boss i will

  strive to deserve the raise

  hereafter

  archy

  lust for this, you go in agate, Archy.

  see here boss i am no kicker nor

  growler nor do i want more than is coming

  to me but after raising me to brevier one

  day you slammed me back into nonpareil

  again what i want to know is this if you

  think the stuff is rotten why do you

  use it at all and if you think it is ok

  why not give it a show here i am

  trying to build up a public for

  myself and you too and look at the

  appreciation i get all right boss all right

  but i warn you that you are queering your

  own game i dont ask for brevier this time

  but you might at least give me minion if

  i make good in minion then raise me think

  it over then think it over i am making no

  threats of quitting but you think it over

  archy

  well boss i notice that

  although you have taken me

  back to work on my own terms

  you are g
iving me no

  work to do you always were jealous

  of my popularity there

  never has been a time since i made

  my first appearance and

  carried all before me that you

  would not have gotten rid of

  me if you had dared but

  you have never dared

  now you are giving me no work to do

  in order to keep me

  from my public you are

  trying to ruin me why do

  you not give me an

  assignment now and

  then

  archy

  If Archy cannot think up something to write about he can stay out of the column permanently. We are tired of giving Archy assignments that he can do easily and then having him take the credit for originality. The impression has gone abroad that not only does Archy think up his own themes, but that he also tells us what to write. The exact reverse of this is true. It is time that Archy, and his infatuated followers also, should understand that he is our subordinate, our creature. We admit that he has a certain superficial knack; but all the heavier, more solemn, respectable, and serious humor in the column is our own. His statement that he would like to work is entirely hypocritical. Since he won the strike he has done nothing but eat and sleep; he is gorged with food; between his triumph and his victuals he has become stupid. We knew food would ruin him, and it was in the interests of his literary ability, such as it is, that we kept him starved. Lord Tennyson noticed the same thing about a throstle … or maybe it was a blackbird. Anyhow, Lord Tennyson wrote a poem about it.… It was a bird that gorged itself and lived easy and ceased to be a poet. We have always thought it an indication of very high purpose and resolution that Lord Tennyson did not succumb himself in a similar manner; but after he became laureate he sang just as well as before. We believe that he was already laureate when he wrote “Come into the Garden, Maud.” Max Beerbohm has a cartoon of Lord Tennyson reading his poems to Queen Victoria in which the laureate looks both well fed and lyrical. We wish that Daisy Ashford’s Mr. Saltena had met a laureate at court and given us additional light upon this subject. But we still insist that in spite of Lord Tennyson’s experience, the rule holds good in the majority of cases; feed a poet and ruin him. The only thing that can save Archy now is a course of voluntary fasting, and we doubt that he has the will power for it. Give a cockroach enough jam and he will tangle his feet.