“Whoa, whoa, whoa. You mean PRO-moted!” Malu laughs, while the other two just look at him. “Ahh come on! You guys are boring. What? Are your panties in a knot?” Malu continues to laugh at his own jokes.
“Whatever brother. Take it for what it’s worth… you still have a job,” Lopaka tries to get Kaleo to look on the bright side. “At least you don’t have a stupid boyfriend that doesn’t text you when he says he will.” Lopaka is still irritated with is own situation.
“Oh, you’re boyfriends now?” Kaleo asks, happy to take the focus off of himself.
“Shut up!” Lopaka is offended.
“No, I’m genuinely asking,” Kaleo presses further.
“We’ve BEEN boyfriends. You guys know that.” Lopaka is trying to understand why his brother is asking him this.
“That’s not what he told me,” Kaleo counters.
“That’s not what he told me either,” Malu says under his breath.
“What are you guys talking about? What exactly did he say to the both of you?” Lopaka is starting to get pissed.
“He told me that you guys are just having fun, messing around. Nothing serious,” Kaleo informs his brother.
Malu looks at Lopaka and nods, “Same.”
“Just messing around for SIX MONTHS?!” Lopaka is heated.
“Sounds like a conversation you need to be having with him, not us,” Kaleo tries to offer.
“Yeah, I would if I could get him on the FUCKING phone!” Lopaka has hit his limit with irritation for the day.
“Alright, alright, chill out,” Malu says trying to calm his oldest brother. “Look, as I see it, it’s pretty simple. You’re either in a relationship or you’re not. You shouldn’t have to wonder whether or not you’re in one.”
“Yeah, and if you are in a relationship, you’re either in an open relationship like Parker and Momi or a monogamous one like Malu and Ashley.” Kaleo pauses and then continues, “I think you already have your answer.”
“Well, I must say, you’ve both made me feel really good about my life!” Malu laughs at his own joke again.
“Shut up,” Kaleo and Lopaka say in unison.
The three brothers chit-chat a bit more, then head back into Violet to gear up for the night ahead.
12. Three Wise Men
- 1/2 oz Johnnie Walker
- 1/2 oz Jack Daniels
- 1/2 oz Jim Beam
A few hours later, three cute little gay boys with coordinated outfits approach the entrance of Violet. Sam, the size of the three boys combined, stands at the door like an oversized troll blocking his bridge. “IDs,” Sam says intimidatingly and thinks, They almost look like triplets. The three little gays each hand Sam their driver’s license.
“It’s his birthday today!” The one in red says pointing to the one in blue.
“Twenty-one! Woop Woop!” The one in yellow cheers.
The birthday boy in blue smiles nervously and doesn’t say a word. It’s his first time not only to a gay club, but to a club in general. He looks up at Sam, who’s looking back at him to make sure the photo on his ID matches his face. Displaying no emotion, Sam hands the birthday boy his ID back. The birthday boy thanks Sam and fumbles to put his card away quickly.
Sam opens the entrance door and cracks a big smile; going from scary villain to lovable teddy bear in 0.2 seconds. “Happy Birthday!”
Just inside the entrance door, Ashley sits at a counter with a register full of cash. As the nightclub’s cashier, she’s the true troll of the bridge; taking people’s money and granting access to the “other side.” She sits by herself watching a funny video on her phone; a nice break from always having Malu and her kids around. With the drag show starting in ten minutes, the crowds of guests have already started to make their way in. However, Ashley knows it’s just the beginning of the rush.
Trying to savor her solitary moment, Ashley quickly puts her phone down when the front door to the club opens. Alone time is over. She looks up to find three little gays entering her area. “Ten dollars each guys,” she says as they get closer. She notices their matching outfits and thinks to herself, The Three Little Pigs.
Not even a blink later, the door swings open as if it were huffed and puffed and almost blown down. It’s the she-wolves. The wind from outside blows inward almost in slow-motion, messing up Ashley’s hair and rustling some papers. The three little gay boys turn their heads realizing that it’s the main reason they came to Violet in the first place… the Fish y Chicks.
The little gay in red gasps, while the little gay in yellow covers his mouth in shock. The birthday boy in blue says, “Oh my God!” With stars in his eyes, he touches both hands to his chest, clutching his imaginary pearl necklace.
“Boo!” Alexus, the leader of the Fish y Chicks, says like the Boogeyman.
The Fish y Chicks (pronounced ‘Fish E. Chicks,’ a play on ‘Fish and Chips,’ with a Spanish ‘y’ for the ‘and’) are Hawaii’s premier drag queen performers. Known across the Hawaiian islands as the fishiest queens (fishy is gay slang for most likely to pass as a female when dressed up), these girls have racked up quite the following on social media. Just like fish and chips, the Fish y Chicks leave you salivating for more with their fun and flirty performances. Formerly a four-person group, the recent loss of a ‘sister’ queen has left the remaining three girls a little off their game. However, their “Keep Fierce and Death Drop on” motto has kept the Fish y Chicks from losing any sort of following.
“You’re late!” Ashley scolds. “Robin is pissed!”
“Oh my God, is she really?” Alexus asks.
Ashley laughs, “Nah, I don’t know. I’ve been sitting here the whole night. She was mad earlier, but not about you guys.”
“You bitch!” Alexus says relieved, but still knowing that Robin might actually be pissed.
“Hurry up! You guys have ten minutes ’til you’re on.” Ashley checks the time on her phone, “Oh, nine minutes now.”
The three drag queens scurry in their high heels pass Ashley’s station blowing kisses to her as they pass. They wave hi to the starstruck, matching little gay boys and lug their rolling suitcases, full of costumes, to the dressing room.
“That’ll be thirty dollars total, boys,” Ashley says trying to snap the three little gays back into reality. As she waits for them to pay, she looks the boys up and down and thinks to herself “The Fish y Chicks: Next Generation.” She laughs inwardly.
“Oh my God, I’m so sorry!” The little gay in red apologizes after realizing that they’ve all just been standing there in a trance. He hands Ashley exactly thirty dollars cash to cover all of them.
With Violet’s infamous butterfly stamp, Ashley stamps the inside of their left wrists as each of the three little gays pass one-by-one. “Have fun!” She says with a smile.
Finally making it to the other side of the troll’s bridge, the three little gay boys jump up and down with excitement. “WE MADE IT!” Arm in arm, they enter the main part of Violet ready to celebrate the night.
13. Fish Bowl Punch
- 1 cup Light Rum
- 1 cup Vodka
- 3/4 cup Blue Curaçao
- 1 1/2 cups Sweet and Sour
- 4 cups Pineapple Juice
- 4 cups Lemon-lime Soda
- Swedish Fish candies
- Optional: Citrus fruit slices
Business has started to pick up and with the drag show about to start, the bartenders know it’s about to get even busier. At the front bar, Parker, Beau and Chico are each dealing with three very different customers.
“What’s good here?” A female customer asks Parker.
“What do you mean?” Parker responds.
“Like, what do you recommend?” The same girl continues, trying to be cute and flirt with Parker.
“Well, what do you like?” Picking up on the fact that she’s trying to flirt, but not finding her attractive, Parker ignores her sly signals. He tries to decipher what exactly she wants to drink.
>
“I like sweet drinks, but, like, not too sweet. Fruity-ish. Make it strong though, so I can taste it, but I don’t want it to taste like alcohol. I wanna get drunk! WOO! But not like too drunk ‘cause I still wanna look cute, you know what I mean?” The girl describes her drink of choice in a very valley girl type of way.
No, I don’t know what you mean, Parker thinks to himself, but answers with, “Uh, ok.” Still not exactly sure as to what she wants, Parker pours a ‘Sex on the Beach’ cocktail with an extra shot of vodka and slides the cup across the bar.
She pulls her hair back with both hands and leans over to sip the drink without holding it. As her lips reach the straw, she looks up at Parker with her eyes, pretending as if she’s sucking something else. She recoils back up to a standing position and says “Ew. I don’t like it.”
Bitch… he thinks to himself.
To Parker’s left, Beau is engaged with a female customer of his own. Unlike Parker, Beau finds his customer super hot. Tall and blonde, with a big butt, she’s just his type. He’s already begun his usual sleazy spiel .
“So, where you from?” Beau inquires while pouring her a Vodka Cranberry.
“I’m from L.A.,” she answers.
“No way, me too!” He responds quickly.
“Oh really? Cool! Small world. Well, I’m originally from Michigan, though,” she reveals truthfully.
“No, no. Still counts. I’m technically from the OC, so we’re even,” Beau says trying to flirt. “What brings a beautiful girl like you to Hawaii?”
“Oh, me and a couple of my girlfriends are just here on vacation for a week. We’ve never been, so we figured, why not?” She explains.
“Well, lucky me.” Beau hands her her drink and tries to make eye contact. “Where are you guys stay—”
“Hey what do I owe you?” She interrupts and opens up her purse looking for her wallet.
“No, no. It’s on me.” Beau gives her a free drink in hopes that it will seal the deal.
“Oh my gosh, thank you so much!” She closes her purse and grabs the drink off the bar. “You’re the cutest gay guy I’ve ever met,” she admits.
“No, no. I’m not ga—,” Beau tries to correct her.
“Thank you!” She shouts over the music, cutting him off and already halfway back to her group of friends. She waves to Beau one last time before turning around and enjoying the rest of her free drink.
“BITCH!” Beau says out loud.
On the other side of the bar, Chico is serving a group of four older gay guys. “Hola Papis!”
“What do you guys want, what do you guys want?” The leader of the group asks his friends. The rest of the guys are dumb-founded as if it were an S.A.T. question. Chico smiles and waits patiently.
With his friends taking too long to decide, the leader of the group makes a rash decision. He looks back to Chico and says “Screw it. Give me four Patron.” His friends over hear his order and make sour faces disagreeing with his choice. “Hey, you guys couldn’t decide, so I decided for you!”
“Shots or on the rocks?” Chico clarifies.
“Uhh, shots please,” the leader responds.
“Four shots it is, boss!” Chico says, still with a smile on his face. He lines up four shot glasses and is about to start pouring when the leader interrupts him.
“And pour yourself one too,” the leader offers. “A cutie like you deserves a shot having to deal with old queens like us.”
Chico nods his head ‘yes’ and says, “Gracias!” He adds another shot glass to the line and starts pouring. He hands out the shot glasses when finished, one for each guy and one for himself.
The leader hands Chico his credit card. “Leave it open, bub. We’ll be back,” he says, implying that he wants to start a tab. He winks at Chico.
Chico slides the card on his touch screen POS and opens a tab for the group. He grabs his shot off the bar and holds it up toward the group of men. “Salud!”
“YASSSS BITCHES!” The group of older guys yell before downing their Patron shots.
In the dressing room, The Fish y Chicks are scrambling around doing any last minute touch-ups before their performance begins. With their earphones in and marking their dance moves, the queens try to practice the songs that they’re about to lip-sync. While mostly ready, the queens stick a couple extra bobby pins in their wigs, add extra powder to their nose and spray their crotches with perfume just in case.
Amidst the chaos, the door to the dressing room opens. The three queens look up from their mirrors and stop what they’re doing.
“It’s showtime, girls,” Robin says from the door without much emotion on her face. This is the first time they are seeing her tonight. The girls greet Robin and kiss her hello, still unsure if she knows how late they were.
“Alright girls, let’s go,” Alexus commands. The three girls leave the dressing room and head up onto the stage behind the main curtain. Still out of sight of the audience, the three girls stretch and warm up before their music starts.
“Ready?” Robin asks from the side of the stage.
Alexus looks over at Robin and nods. The girls strike their first pose and get ready to put on a show.
At the back bar, Kaleo hands Tisha and Momi shots that he just made. Checking to see if Robin is around, the three friends cheers below the bar and quickly take their shots. Throwing the shot glasses in the sink to get rid of the evidence, they swiftly turn back around and continue serving the next people in line.
Kaleo’s next customers are three straight boys. He can tell by their nervous eye-contact and short exchange of words. “Uh, can I get a Heineken,” one of the guys mumbles.
“Yeah, me too,” a second guy tags on. Kaleo knew this would probably be the case, since most straight guys need to prove their straight-ness, while in a gay club. No fruity cocktails, only manly beers.
The third guy decides to take a different approach. He’s asian with chiseled cheekbones. Taller and handsomer than his other two friends, he seems as if he is the leader of the pack. Trying to make his two friends laugh, he looks to Kaleo and says “Give me the gayest drink that you have!” He turns around, high-fives his friends and laughs.
Kaleo, having dealt with assholes like this before, grabs the most expensive whisky off the shelf and pours it into a shot glass. He slams the drink down on the bar and says, “Gay enough for you?”
The third guy turns around and notices the shot of whisky. He realizes that Kaleo didn’t think it was a funny joke.
“Twenty bucks, faggot,” Kaleo demands.
To Kaleo’s left, Tisha is serving a straight guy of her own. Being a former stripper, she knows the best way to get a straight guy to leave a big tip is to make him think he has a chance to hook up with her. With no intention of ever sleeping with a man again, Tisha knows exactly how to play the game.
“Can I buy a lovely lady a drink?” The straight guy asks.
“You can buy a lovely lady whatever you want, but you can buy me a shot?” Tisha counters in a sassy way. She knows straight guys like a challenge.
“Two shots it is.” The straight guy smirks. “What time do you guys usually get out of here?”
“Who wants to know?” Tisha smiles and flirts.
“A guy I know just might wanna meet up with you after this,” the straight guy asks her out in a roundabout way.
“Oh really? Do I know this guy?” Tisha continues to lead him on.
“You’re about to.” The straight guy looks Tisha up and down.
“Cheers!” Tisha hands him his shot and they take a shot together. The straight guy hands her his credit card, she swipes it and hands it back to him with a credit card slip for him to sign. After taking longer than it usually takes a person to sign, the straight guy hands Tisha back the slip. He walks away while still making eye contact for the first few steps, but then disappears into the crowd.
Tisha grabs the credit card slip off the bar and just as she expected, he’s written his phone number at
the top. She scans the slip a little further down and realizes he didn’t leave her a tip; she wasn’t expecting that. She looks on the bar to see if maybe he left some cash, but there’s nothing. She goes over to Kaleo and shows him the slip.
“How the hell you gonna flirt with me, tryna get in my pants, leave me your phone number and not tip? Da Fuck? Cheap ass muthafuckahs! I am so over men,” Tisha says irritated. Kaleo laughs.
Momi finishes up her last customer in line and then looks over to see Tisha, who looks bothered. She walks up to Tisha, hoping she can be a shoulder to cry on, “What’s the matter, girl?”
“Nothing. Just some jerk who didn’t tip,” Tisha explains.
“Who is he? Which one? Nobody fucks with my girlfriend!” Momi says like a wind-up toy.
Tisha laughs, “Oh, you would be a good girlfriend.”
“You’re damn right!” Momi cracks and then fantasizes about what it really would be like to be Tisha’s girlfriend. At that very moment, Momi looks across the bar and inhales as if she’s just seen a ghost. She stares at something in the middle of the room.
“You ok, boo?” Tisha asks, trying to figure out what Momi is starting at.
“I’ll be right back.” Momi tells Tisha and leaves the bar.
Just then, Robin takes the stage with a microphone in hand. “Come one, come all! Come my little gay children. Hele mai kakou. Make your way to the stage. Follow the sound of my voice…” Robin jokes, knowing that her voice is coming from every speaker in the club. The music starts to fade and Robin’s mic starts to get louder as more and more people start to gather around the stage. “YASSS!!! Come closer, come closer, oh aren’t you cute?” Robin says to a little white boy in the front row.
“How many of you are ready for our show?” A lackluster response leaves Robin underwhelmed. “Oh come on, I’ve heard better responses from a senior day care. HOW MANY OF YOU ARE READY FOR OUR SHOW?” She repeats louder. The audience responds with more enthusiasm. “There we go. That’s more like it!
“Welcome to Violet! I’m your MC, host and owner of your favorite club, Robin DeCraydle. Thank you, yes, yes, I will fuck you later.” Robin points to the same cute white boy in the front row as the audience cracks up.
On the Rocks Page 5