On the Rocks

by Jared Paakaula

  “Ooop!” Chico yelps, signifying that a gauntlet has been thrown.

  “Jeez, you guys are over here making-out, Momi and Tisha are back there all over each other… actually, I don’t mind that one, now that I think about it…” Beau drifts off, imagining the two girls in a scene out of a Lesbian porno.

  “What do you want, Beau?” Kaleo asks in hopes of getting rid of him quickly.

  Beau snaps back to reality, “I just read the Insta-post…we’re not making any tips tonight?”

  “No, we’re donating our tips to the club,” Kaleo confirms.

  “So, we’re basically working for free?” Beau asks

  “You’ll get your hourly,” Kaleo clarifies.

  “Uh, nobody becomes a bartender to make minimum wage,” Beau scoffs.

  “It’s one night. Think of it as an investment, you give back to the place that allows you to make those tips. We use that money to make this place better, and then, eventually, we make even better tips,” Kaleo explains.

  “Patience, young grasshopper,” Parker chimes in.

  “Patience? Pfft, I’m a millennial. I need instant gratification!” Beau asserts. “Plus, I need to make rent.” Everybody ignores him. “What is this fundraiser even for?”

  “It’s so we can start bringing in bigger names and better talent,” Kaleo answers.

  “Ooop!” Chico yelps again.

  “Shaaaade!” Beau says fervently.

  “No, it’s not shade, it’s the truth,” Kaleo defends. “Robin wants to be able to fly in mainland DJs and famous drag queens to provide the best entertainment for our community.”

  Chyna walks in on the ending of the boys conversation. She hears Kaleo’s reason for what he thinks the fundraiser is for and immediately realizes that Robin didn’t tell them anything. There’s a whole other situation going on here. These kids might even lose their jobs and they have no idea. I’m gonna kill her!

  “Hey boys! Everything going alright so far?” Chyna questions without mentioning anything to them.

  “Well, look who it is… the sexy ladyboy from the meat-packing district,” Beau says, thinking he’s funny.

  “Careful, boy. You might end up meat packed by this ladyboy… and like it!” Chyna comes back with wittily. The other boys crack up laughing at Beau’s expense. “Hey, where’s Robin?”

  “I think she’s in her office,” Kaleo informs.

  In her office, Robin is having another cough attack. She clings to her desk and gasps for air in between coughs. She waits for it to pass, but this one is lasting longer than usual. Just when she thinks she can’t take another breath, the coughs stop. She sits on her office chair and takes deep breaths to calm her heart rate.

  Robin hasn’t been taking her HIV medication. Being so busy with planning this fundraiser and still trying to run the club as normal, she’s lost track of all days. That is, all days, except for today. Today, Robin has been a strict drill sergeant barking orders at everyone. Making sure that everything is set up correctly, she’s become a dick-tator; ten inches further than a normal dictator.

  Just as Robin finally catches her breath, there’s a knock at the door. “Hold on,” Robin yells. She collects herself, fixes her hair and takes a deep breath to make sure no one can tell what just happened. “Come in!”

  Chyna walks in and closes the door behind her. “I overheard the staff talking...” She walks up and kisses Robin hello, “You didn’t tell them?”

  “What for? We’re gonna raise enough money to pay off the Wongs, we’ll get to keep the club and this will all be a distant memory… that only you and I will share,” Robin asserts. “Wasn’t that your plan all along?”

  “Well, yeah, but—” Chyna starts, but gets cut off.

  “Then, that’s it. They’ll all get to keep their jobs, we get to continue serving the LGBT community… no use having everyone run around worrying about something that might never happen, right?” Robin states very matter-of-factly.

  “Well, I see someone has had a change of heart since the last time we spoke,” Chyna says surprised.

  “People change, darling.” Robin smiles and then begins to have another cough attack. She’s paler and thinner than she was just a few days ago.

  “Oh my God, are you ok?” Chyna starts to get worried, “Here, drink some water.” She hands her a water bottle that’s sitting on Robin’s desk.

  Robin starts to catch her breath. She grabs the water bottle and takes a sip. “Thank you.”

  “Girl, now don’t take this the wrong way, but you don’t look too good,” Chyna admits.

  “I’m fine. I just caught a little cold,” Robin downplays.

  Chyna feels Robin’s forehead for a quick second before Robin pulls away. “Whoa, you’re burning up! That’s not just a little cold. You have a fever, Robin! We should go to the doctor.”

  “I said I’m fine!” Robin says sternly.

  “Sis, don’t be stubborn!” Chyna tries to convince her friend.

  “What do you want me to do?” Robin fumes, “Everything is riding on tonight. I can’t just leave. Who’s gonna run everything? Huh? If tonight doesn’t go over well, we’re losing this club. Do you even get that?”

  “Of course, I do. It’s just your health is—” Chyna tries to reason.

  “I gotta set the tables,” Robin interrupts, then walks out.

  Outside the club, Malu and Ashley are having yet another fight. They’ve been at each other’s throats constantly since Malu missed their daughter’s hula performance. Sam, being outside as well, stands to the side and looks at his phone. He eavesdrops on their conversation and tries not to draw attention to himself.

  “Everyday it’s something else. I can’t win with you.” Malu throws his hands up in the air and starts to give up.

  “Well, maybe if you weren’t drunk every night and actually spent time with your kids,” Ashley fires.

  “Why you always gotta bring up the kids?! I do spend time with them. They’re not complaining,” Malu defends himself, “And who are you to talk? You burn every chance you get. You burned right before we left the house.” Malu brings up the fact that Ashley smokes weed constantly.

  “Yeah, cause you stress me out!” Ashley exclaims.

  “And what, you don’t think you stress me out? Why do you think I drink? Cause YOU, that’s why!” Malu points out.

  “Don’t blame me! You make your own choices,” Ashley deflects.

  “Brah, you give me so much shit! Like today! You yelled at me for sleeping in… it was 10am! It wasn’t even that late,” Malu rants. “I work two jobs and I pick the kids up from school. You don’t think I’m tired?”

  “It’s Sunday. We were supposed to go to church, dumbass,” Ashley reminds him sassily.

  “Go! You guys shoulda went. Nobody was stopping you.”

  “See, that’s the problem right there, Malu… we’re a family! We’re supposed to do things together.”

  A Toyota Camry pulls up to the entrance of Violet. Malu and Ashley pause their argument and watch the car settle. The engine stops and the trunk pops open before anyone even gets out. All four car doors open almost simultaneously and the Fish y Chicks, including Matt Makeup, step out the car in half drag. Alexus gets out of the driver’s seat and stands just outside her door. She extends her arm and holds out her car keys as if she’s about to drop them. Arita comes running around the car and grabs the keys quickly.

  “Park the car,” Alexus commands, “and somewhere close. I don’t care if you have to pay.”

  “Got it,” Arita replies obediently and hops into the driver’s seat.

  At the trunk of the car, Matt and Karmen take out the queens’ suitcases full of their costumes. Alexus comes around the back and pulls out her tiny Louis Vuitton purse. “Matt, grab my bags,” Alexus orders, “And you got Arita’s, right Karmen?” Matt and Karmen nod in submission like two puppies to an owner. “Good. Let’s go.” The three Chicks head toward the entrance and Arita drives off with the Toyota’
s trunk still open.

  On the way in, the Chicks pass Malu and Ashley. “Good Mornting!” Alexus announces, bursting through the awkward silence between the couple with no hesitation. The three chicks kiss the couple hello like an old assembly line, one right after the next.

  Noticing Karmen and Matt struggle with two suitcases each, Malu sees this as an opportunity to get away from Ashley. “Here, I got it,” he says as he takes one suitcase away from both Karmen and Matt.

  “Ai, such a gentleman,” Karmen comments.

  “Oh my God, Thank you!” Matt thanks Malu and shakes out his weak arms.

  “Yeah, no worries. I’ll walk you guys in.” Malu heads into the club, leading the pack.

  Alexus, feeling like her tactic of proving power over Karmen and Matt was spoiled by Malu, stands to the side and gives him a fake smile as he passes her. As Karmen and Matt follow Malu in, Alexus’ fake smile turns into a hard stink-eye. The other two girls cower and duck their heads in shame. Alexus stops them with her hand and cuts in line, walking in front of them while entering the club to assert dominance once again.

  Once inside the club, the three Fish y Chicks pass the front bar. Beau, standing on the customer side of the bar, lowers his voice and says, “Sup” as the girls walk past him. Feeling the need to prove his heterosexuality, he stands with his head slightly tilted upward and his hands clasped in front of his crotch.

  Alexus doesn’t say anything. Instead, she looks at him with one eyebrow raised and continues to walk right past him. Matt follows right behind Alexus like a servant. He smiles at Beau, but quickly passes through. Karmen, bringing up the rear, passes Beau and flirtatiously says, “Hi handsome!” She touches his chest and winks at him, then follows the rest of the girls like an ant trail.

  Beau, not exactly sure of what to do or how to feel, stands there tense and stiff as a board. He looks to see if the queens are far enough, so that he can talk shit, but ends up checking out Karmen’s ass instead. Knowing that she’s trans, but loving a good pair of cheeks more than anything else, Beau causes an internal battle in his own mind.

  Malu comes back to the front bar after dropping off the girls bags in the dressing room and sees Beau’s gaze. “Jeez, can you stare any harder?” Malu makes fun.

  “Shut up, Malu! I wasn’t looking at her!” Beau says defensively.

  “What were you looking at then?” Malu asks.

  “At the, um… the lights,” Beau stutters.

  “Oh, the lights, yeah? Ok,” Malu chuckles unconvinced.

  “Beau, shouldn’t you be helping Momi and Tisha set up the back bar,” Kaleo jumps in. Beau turns and walks away, making a sour face and mocking Kaleo all the way back to his bar.

  “Speaking of which, how are you and Momi?” Malu asks Parker.

  “Uhh…” Parker starts, “We’re ok, I guess. I don’t know… I mean, we’re fine, but it’s not like we talk that much anymore.”

  “Are Momi and Tisha together now?” Malu inquires.

  “I don’t know and truthfully, I kind of don’t want to know. It seems like it, though,” Parker admits. “I mean, if she’s happy, then that’s all that matters, right?”

  “Yeah, but what about you?” Kaleo jumps into the conversation.

  “Yeah, that’s what I’m still trying to figure out,” Parker confesses.

  “Well, it’s better than me and Ash,” Malu confesses. “I’d rather be in your position and have her not speak to me sometimes.”

  “Ho her gawwd, every time with you guys.” Kaleo rolls his eyes. “You guys are always on the rocks.”

  “Brah, it’s not me! It’s her. All she does is yell at me and scold me like I’m one of the kids,” Malu discloses.

  “What happened this time?” Kaleo obligingly asks his younger brother.

  “Nah, nothing big. We just didn’t go church this morning ‘cause I slept in, but I was tired!” Malu argues his side of the story. “Shit, we worked super late last night and I’ve been working a lot. We just got into it again outside. That’s why I’m over here.”

  “Malu, go say sorry!” Kaleo commands.

  “For what? I didn’t do anything,” Malu says defensively.

  “So, it’s all her fault then?” Kaleo tries to prove a point.

  “No…” Malu acknowledges the fact that he’s not completely innocent, “Ugh, you sound just like Dad.” Malu pauses and then changes the subject, “And what about my brother? Has Lopaka called you?”

  “No. He texted me when he first landed in LA to say he got there, but he hasn’t texted me since,” Kaleo explains.

  “That fuckah!” Malu exclaims, “Well, at least you got that. He didn’t even tell me he was leaving.”

  “He didn’t tell anyone! He literally called me and asked me to take him to the airport, like, right before his flight. He’s lucky I answered,” Kaleo describes the situation. “I think he’s trying to run away from everything: Ryan, the Fish y Chicks, us…”

  “Yeah, well he succeeded,” Malu says still offended. “He better not turn out like Mom.”

  Parker looks at Kaleo and sees this as an opportunity to ask, “You know, I’ve been your friend for over ten years and I’ve always wanted to know what happened to your mom.”

  “Oh, it’s a boring story,” Kaleo downplays. “She got caught up in drugs and abandoned us, so our dad raised us. I barely have any memories of her.”

  “Yeah and now Lopaka is doing the same thing,” Malu jabs.

  “No, he’s not Malu! Don’t say that,” Kaleo scolds his brother. “You’re just mad because he asked me to take him to the airport and not you.”

  “HELL YEAH I AM!” Malu exclaims, “He could’ve, at least, called both of us.”

  “He’ll call when he calls, ok? Just give him some time,” Kaleo defends Lopaka. “Now go talk to Ash before I fire you,” he jokes to lighten his brother’s mood.

  “Yeah, you wish!” Malu snipes and walks away.

  22. Buttery Nipple

  - 1 oz Butterscotch Schnapps

  - 1 oz Baileys

  *Layered in this order and served as a shot

  7pm rolls around and about a hundred and fifty people show up for the fundraiser. There’s a buffet line full of delicious local food and on the stage, Robin’s old friend, Derek, plays Hawaiian music. His voice and guitar serve as background music to balance all the chatter. The guests make themselves plates of food and take their seats; they know the drag show is about to start.

  On the side of the stage, Chyna and Robin look at everyone sitting and talking. With not as many people showing up as they hoped, Robin starts to worry that they’re not going to make their goal.

  “What’s with the gay community in Hawaii?” Robin grumbles. “Don’t they have any pride?”

  “Don’t worry, sis. They’ll come,” Chyna reassures her friend.

  “Yeah, well they better or else we’re shit outta luck,” Robin responds. “You got this?”

  “Yeah, I’m good,” Chyna replies.

  Robin, knowing that she hasn’t been feeling well, asked Chyna a couple of days ago to host tonight’s show. With a microphone in her hand, Chyna closes her eyes and gathers herself before she takes the stage; it’s been awhile since she’s MC-ed. Derek plays his last strum of his guitar and thanks the audience for listening to him play. He starts to make his way off stage and Robin signals to Chyna that it’s time.

  “Now, girl. Go!” Robin nudges Chyna to head on stage. Chyna starts heading up the stairs to the stage, but then looks back at Robin for last minute encouragement. “You got this. They’re gonna love you!” Robin motivates her friend.

  Chyna smiles and blows Robin a kiss. Robin blows one back. She takes a deep breath, turns her mic on and walks out onstage.

  “Well, look what the cat dragged in!” Chyna starts. The audience looks up and starts applauding. “Let’s give it up for Derek everyone! Gracing us with some beautiful Hawaiian music tonight. Yes, hello all you beautiful people out there. Wow! You all look
so gorgeous!” She pauses and sees one of her old clients in the audience, “Ben…” She says in a very unimpressed tone. The audience cracks up. “Yes, hi everyone! If you’re still in the back, come have a seat. The show is about to start.” She looks at a random person and asks, “How’s the food? Good, yeah?”

  “Yes! Hi everyone, I am your MC tonight. Thank you, thank you. You’re too kind. My name is Chyna Make because I’m chyna make that money, honey!” The audience laughs. “They used to call me Chyna Take when I was younger, cause if you pissed me off, I would take your man, but I’ve changed. I don’t do that anymore… I’ll take your man even if you don’t piss me off.” The audience laughs again.

  “Yes! Tonight, we are here to support Violet. Who loves Violet?” The audience applauds. “With you supporting us, we can support you and bring you bigger and better things that Hawaii has never seen before. You guys want that?” The audience cheers and Chyna smiles on the outside, but on the inside, she knows that all of this is a lie. They need the money to save the club from going under.

  “This all wouldn’t be possible if it wasn’t for the owner of this club, the beautiful, the wonderful, my best friend, Miss Robin DeCraydle. Yes! Give it up for Robin! Shine the spotlight on her.” The light goes over to side stage where Robin is standing. The audience looks over and hollers, they all know the infamous Robin. Robin waves and takes in the moment, but quickly fans the light away, gesturing to go back to Chyna. “Ohh, gorgeous and modest! What a package… and what a package, am I right, fellas?” Chyna jokes.

  “Alright, who’s ready to start the show?” Chyna asks, “I said… who’s ready to start the show?!” The audience screams. “Well, here they come. These are the hottest queens in Hawaii. Is it a duck? Is it a goose? No… this is the Fish y Chicks! The music begins and the curtains draw back presenting all four girls. The audience goes mad as Karmen takes the lead.

  As the show begins and everything starts going as planned, Robin starts to have more faith in the fundraiser. She knows that this is her last and only chance at keeping her club alive. If she doesn’t make enough money to pay off the overdue rent and convince the Wongs to let her stay, Robin knows this will all be over.