Tainted

by Claire Farrell

  I closed my eyes and pressed my hands against the ball. The spinning sensation was easier to bear when I couldn’t see. Somebody cleared his throat, and I opened my eyes.

  Ten ghostly figures sat in a circle around me. One was more there than the rest—the Shepherd. I was desperate to know him, to really know him. He acted as though he knew me, and it ate me up that I didn’t know my counterpart’s identity.

  “You have called us here,” Birth said. “What do you wish of us?”

  “I kind of have an issue with my first soul,” I said. “Um… her needs correspond with my desires.”

  “Clarify,” Judge said.

  “My first lost soul turned up, and she kind of happens to have a common enemy with me. This enemy is either going to steal her or kill her if I don’t do something about it.”

  “Helping the lost souls doesn’t always mean you must fight their battles for them,” Warden said.

  “He’s likely after me, too, and she’s just a kid. I mean, can I give you details or…?”

  “You may,” Shepherd said kindly. “You’ll understand our secrets in time, after all. Tell us everything to enable us to safely judge the situation.”

  “Seth is after her. The first vampire. We think he might be involved with the beast formula. His blood could be the secret ingredient.”

  “And you believe if you kill him, it will serve your own goals to rid the world of the beasts?” Death said. “That would serve us all. I don’t see this as a—”

  I interrupted him without thinking. “That’s not all. Seth is the vampire who killed my parents. He made me… the way I am. This isn’t just about this girl. It’s about me, too.”

  There was silence for long seconds.

  Slave made a low sound. “This lost soul is also tainted, I take it.”

  “Yeah, but she’s a good kid. She can’t fight one of Lucifer’s creations alone. It’s possible he’s been drawn over here by the formula and the wars, and if he has, I’m definitely a target. But if I help her kill him…”

  “You save your own life,” Silence said. “You avenge your parents. You stop the creation of any more beasts.”

  “This is awkward,” Knowledge said. “This one should not be Matriarch if everything is so complicated for her.”

  “I’m not making it complicated,” I said. “It’s not like I chose to have this first soul or this life or any of this. Look, I need to keep this girl alive, and I need to keep everyone else as safe as possible. Getting rid of Seth accomplishes all of that.”

  “This soul was led to her for a reason,” Shepherd said.

  “She can’t involve herself so deeply,” Judge said, but she sounded almost regretful.

  “I know,” I said. “But surely—”

  “What if he attacks her first?” Warrior asked. “Is she supposed to stand there and let him kill her?”

  “Of course not,” Knowledge said. “But that would be different.”

  “Exactly,” he said, sounding pleased with himself.

  “So that’s my out?” I asked. “I wait for him to come for us?”

  “Wait,” Slave said hurriedly. “You can’t in good conscience go after him, but if he should cause a threat to you and actively attack, then you have the right to defend yourself.”

  “And if he attacks this kid? This lost soul? Can I step in?”

  “No being has a right to harm those under your protection,” Shepherd said. “If he does his worst, feel free to do yours.”

  “And you’ll all back me up? My people will still remain protected?”

  “We need to discuss this,” Judgement said when nobody else answered. “We need to be sure.”

  “Do we?” Silence asked. “We let the hag slip away because she was old, losing strength and weakening us in the process. This one is young and vital. We all feel it. This is a new age, and new eras require new rules. With her strength, we can push back this time.”

  Nobody disagreed. Nobody ever disagreed with Silence.

  “Will I lose protection?” I asked again, determined to hear a clear answer before I left.

  “No,” Shepherd said firmly. If it weren’t for him, I was pretty sure my conversations with the Eleven would go differently. “You are, of course, permitted to protect your own. Don’t we all agree?”

  The others muttered their agreement.

  “Well, good.” I was still suspicious that there was a catch. “And I can just… do my thing until he comes for us?”

  “He may not,” Birth said. “He may leave you alone.”

  I shook my head. “If this kid hasn’t led him to me, he’ll find his own way, I think.”

  “Be careful,” Warrior said. “It won’t be easy. This creature is seen as mythical. He’s lived longer than most and yet managed to remain under the radar. His continued existence has upset the balance time and time again. It would benefit all of us if he didn’t exist anymore.”

  “We must return,” Wisdom said. “We’ve done all we can here.”

  “Go,” Shepherd said. “Matriarch, wait a moment.”

  The others vanished, leaving me alone with the misty figure, who looked even less transparent once they’d left.

  “So,” I said awkwardly, “I didn’t know this was a thing.”

  Shepherd laughed. “Are you nervous, Matriarch?”

  “Stop calling me that. It’s… unsettling.”

  “I wanted to speak to you privately.”

  “About what?”

  “Seth,” he replied. “I want him to die. We all do, but it’s something we have learned not to say. It won’t be easy to kill him. The vampires won’t want him dead, not if his blood is the key to this formula. It’s spreading, you know. There are reports of these creatures all over the world—none in great force yet, but it’s only a matter of time. That’s not the only problem.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You’ve opened the windows and doors. People know gods exist now. Religion has gained power, and gods who have long slept awaken, while vigilantes spring up everywhere. And the vampires will grow a cult following. They will gain power in other ways. As long as Seth is alive, the beasts will keep coming.”

  “The werewolves are the best protection against the beasts.”

  “The creatures who are not supposed to exist. We are not eager for the extinction of a species, although some are more troublesome than others. What do you think of them?”

  “I think they’ve had a shit life, and they deserve the freedom and space they’ve been granted. Look… Shepherd, they helped everyone as far as I’m concerned. And even though I’m all… vampirey, they protected me, too. I can’t hate them for that.”

  Shepherd laughed. “You’re not exactly vampirey.”

  “You’re close to me,” I said. “I mean, you’re not on the other side of the world, are you?”

  He remained silent for so long that I worried I had offended him.

  “Perhaps,” he finally said. “Perhaps we’re not so far apart.”

  “But I can’t know you.”

  “Maybe you will,” he said. “Someday. It takes a long time to acquire the true identities of the Eleven, but remember: I knew you before you ever appeared in front of us. It’s not such a burden.” His voice had grown wistful. “It’s not such a sacrifice to be one of us.”

  “It’s going to be difficult not to track him down,” I said. “It’s going to be hard to wait for him to attack us. I’m not sure how a person waits like that.”

  “It’s not in your nature, but there’s no crime in that. You’ll do what you need to do. Your instincts will help.”

  I wasn’t so certain about my instincts anymore. Since my circumstances had changed, I wasn’t sure of any of my decisions. I had been trying to grow as a person, but in some ways, I had plateaued. However, Jess needed me. She was relying on me, and I had to be the leader again. I had to teach her, to guide her. Her weird-ass father wasn’t going to be much use, but I could be the cool big sister s
he never had. We could make friends, become another kind of family, and we could take down Seth together whenever he came for us.

  Apprehension and anxiety knotted in my chest. On one hand, I wanted to run and hide. On the other, I couldn’t wait to meet the man who had created me. I wanted to look him in the eye and watch him die, just as he had killed the chance I’d once had for a family. My parents’ lives being saved could have led to me to experience a life like Jessica’s, but I wasn’t ready to deal with that train of thought. Not yet.

  “There’s something you should know,” Shepherd whispered, his ghostly form fading in and out. “The paragons have already reached out about the werewolves. They won’t be happy about you, either. This other child might go beyond their limits.”

  “Who are the paragons?”

  But he was already gone, and I was spinning back to earth.

  Chapter Seven

  “Well?” Breslin asked anxiously when I returned.

  “I can’t hunt him down and attack him unprovoked, but if he comes after those I protect, he’s fair game.”

  “Can you handle it?” he asked.

  “I’m going to have to,” I said. “Where’s Jess?”

  “In my office. Go ahead. I’ll lock up here. I think she needs a, um, friendly voice.”

  I nodded and jogged back to his office.

  Jess was sitting in one of the chairs, her head in her hands. Some old books lay open on the desk in front of her. A terrifying picture of a tainted nephal jumped out at me. I had read those stories. None of them had helped my confidence.

  “Hey.” I reached out and closed the books. “Don’t believe everything you read. People like you and me can rewrite the story.”

  She looked at me a little fearfully. “What is this place?”

  “It’s kind of hard to explain.” I sat in a chair across from her. “I used to have a landlady. She was secretly important, untouchable, but she gave it all up to help us, to really get involved in the things that have happened to us. Anyway, when she died, she left me a lot of property and… her solicitor, weirdly enough. I transferred some of the houses to people I know, but of the rest, Breslin takes care of everything. This is where he works, and where I come to deal with other things my landlady left me in charge of. So if you and your dad decide to stick around after Seth is gone, I could sort out a place of your own. I mean… if you want.”

  “So you’re the landlady now?” she asked.

  “Yeah, I suppose so.” I pulled my ponytail a little tighter.

  “This is a weird place,” she said. “I feel very… uncomfortable here. You have all of these secrets that are hidden by really human stuff, and I don’t know if—”

  “If Seth comes for you, I can help,” I said. “But I can’t hunt him down and strike first, though I wish I could.”

  She stared at me in horror. “Why on earth would you want to hunt him down?”

  “Because I don’t want to wait until he decides to make his move. He’s an ancient creature. They take their time, make plans, grow roots that trip you up when you least expect it. I hate having to look over my shoulder, so if I can bait him, tempt him into coming for us, then I will.”

  “What are you, crazy?” she demanded, getting to her feet. “You don’t tempt some evil monster into coming after you! You run, and you hide, and you—”

  “That’s no way to live,” I scoffed. “You said it yourself. What’s the alternative for you? Run around the world with your dad for the rest of your life? You haven’t even been to school. If you stick around, you can—”

  “I can’t be like other people! I’m not other people!”

  “Neither am I!” I took a deep breath. “Look, Jess, a little over a year ago, I was hiding, too. I know what it’s like, and I know how scary it is to stop and come out into the open.”

  “You weren’t running from this.”

  “Maybe not, but I did a lot of running of my own. I avoided the world as much as possible, and I was miserable. Worse, I didn’t feel much of anything half the time. I was comfortable and in charge, and nothing in my life ever changed.”

  “So why did you give that up? It sounds… peaceful.”

  “The past has a habit of catching up. A part of me was desperate to get involved with the rest of the world. Just to see what would happen. In the end, instinct took over. I stepped in to help Carl, and you know what happened next, but while I was trying to get rid of him, I made friends and realised I didn’t want to be alone anymore. I had been my own worst enemy for so long, but eventually, I couldn’t think of anything worse than running again and leaving behind everyone I have ever cared about. And so many other people hid in the cul-de-sac, and the sanctuary, and all of these other places, but as soon as they got a chance, they fought back and made their own place in the world. If you had looked in their eyes before and seen how trapped and desperate they felt, you would understand how much of a difference freedom has made.”

  She was staring at me, but I couldn’t read her.

  “All I’m saying is that there’s a place for everyone, no matter how different they are. They just need to claim their place. You need to be the one to carve out a life for yourself, Jess. You can’t live in fear forever.”

  “Every time I try, somebody gets hurt,” she whispered. “Every decision I make that goes against Dad blows up in my face. I keep getting it wrong.”

  “You’re, what, seventeen years old? You’re not supposed to get everything right. You can’t control the world around you, Jess, no matter how much you want to. You have to let it go and keep marching on because nobody is going to carry you all of the way. You have to be willing to make it to the end all by yourself. Nobody will ever want it more than you do.”

  “I don’t even know what you’re saying anymore.”

  I grinned. “I’m telling you to break free and do what you feel is right. It doesn’t have to be one lonely road for you. You have people looking out for you. You’re safer here than anywhere else. I can promise you that. You and your dad, as annoying as he might be.”

  She frowned. “He’s still my dad.”

  “And that’s the only reason I’ll put up with his shit. Angels… I don’t know if they’re the good guys, but I’m willing to give him a chance. Though when it comes down to it, you’re my priority, not him.”

  “Why?” she asked. “Why do you care what happens to me?”

  The question surprised me. “You came to me for help. Besides, we’re cut from the same cloth. I want to help you.”

  “Even kill Seth?”

  “As long as he hits first.” I grinned.

  “And if he doesn’t hit? If he just takes?”

  I sucked in a breath. I wasn’t sure what I could do if he decided to take back what he thought of as his property. “I won’t let him,” I said. “Not even if you want to go. I went to Hell to save children who were being raised in darkness. I can do the same for you.” I eyed her. “But please don’t get taken to Hell. I really don’t want to go there again.”

  She raised her eyebrows. “Are you serious?”

  “Sadly, yes. I’ve had an interesting year, Jess. Want to hear more of the gory details?”

  “Yes, please,” she said eagerly.

  “Let me say goodbye to Breslin, and I’ll feel you in on the gossip.”

  I got up and went to find Breslin. He was loitering in the hallway.

  “You’ve been reading up on tainted nephilim,” I said. “Ready to quit yet?”

  His sardonic smile lifted years off his face. “Have you read the stories about Baba Yaga? Your kind has nothing on the hag. She had years to make her mark. Your life has barely begun in comparison. Kill a few thousand innocent men, and perhaps I’ll think about changing my mind, but I’m getting too old to shift careers now.”

  I laughed at the mischief in his eyes and thanked him again for meeting me so early.

  Jessica and I walked home, while I filled her head with stories of the adventures my fr
iends and I had gone through. She made me show her every scar, and I may have glossed over some of the darker details, but I felt as though she trusted me a little more by the time we reached the cul-de-sac.

  ~ * ~

  Adam stared at me suspiciously. “Where’s my daughter?”

  “Downstairs watching television,” I said, hanging by the doorway. I hated that he made me feel nervous in my own home. “So… I have a little news. Pretty much everyone agrees that ridding the world of Seth is a good thing, so if he comes for Jess, she won’t have to deal with him alone.”

  He barked out a harsh laugh. “If he comes here for Jess, she’ll be long gone.” He stared at me. “With me.”

  “Well, I’m certainly not running like a coward.”

  “Cowards tend to live long lives. Besides, she’ll face him when she’s ready. Hopefully, far away from here.”

  “What’s your problem? We can help her.”

  “You’re tainted,” he said nastily. “I can’t bear the thought of you near my daughter.”

  “She’s tainted, too, arsehole.”

  “Not like you.”

  “Oh, yeah, I forgot. You ripped her from her mother’s womb before she could be as poisoned as me. Fuck you, angel. Get that stick out of your arse and cop on to yourself.”

  He sneered. “You’re so crass.”

  “Oh, noes. You wounded me.” I turned to leave then hesitated, remembering what I had come in there for in the first place. “Did you know my mother?”

  “Why would I know your mother?” he asked.

  I shrugged. “Seraphim? Thought maybe that meant something. And Gabe knew her, so—”

  “Gabe’s here?” He sounded horrified.

  “No,” I said softly. “He died recently.”

  Air whooshed out of him. “That’s a relief. He would have happily handed my daughter over to Seth.”

  “Shut the fuck up!” I pointed with a shaky finger at him. “He saved everyone. Everyone. He gave up his life so nobody else would have to. So don’t you ever speak about him.”

  He glared at me, but he kept his mouth shut. Apparently, he was smarter than I’d given him credit for.