“In this part of the story I am the one who dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you, because I love you, Love, in fire and in blood.” ― Pablo Neruda
Scott
“Scott,” she whispers when I touch her clit with my mouth. The pain in her voice remains but the desire increases.
Hazel gasps as I push two fingers inside her, and kiss her swollen lips with my mouth before darting out my tongue, lashing it through her cleft. I block our pain, concentrating on her pleasure. I drink greedily from the wine of her lust, intoxicated by her taste and aroma. I nibble her pearl, again and again; I’m doing it fast enough to please her, but slow enough to make it last because this might be the last time I consume her. Her fingernails dig into my shoulders, and I know she wants me to devour her, make it fast. I push a third finger inside her. Thrusting harder, urging her to the edge. Her body trembles, and I slow my ministration. She pushes herself against my hand, fucking my face as she seeks for release.
“Scott,” she cries my name over and over with a hoarse voice.
“I want you!”
Usually, we get crafty on how and where we’d do it for our first round of the night. But since it’s morning, and there might not be another chance to make sweet, slow, passionate love to her. I push myself off the bed, placing myself between her parted thighs. I lower myself gently. Our gazes lock.
“Do you want me to use a condom?”
“Never between us, I’m still on the pill.”
Those words fill my heart with hope. I drive every inch of myself inside every inch of her.
When I’m inside her, I feel complete.
The first time we were together, our broken hearts fused while we made love. As I lean closer to her and take her mouth, I try to seal our hearts. I need to protect them from what’s to come as I hope we remain in one piece, or that at least she never breaks again.
We kiss slowly, as I fill her and we move gently igniting the fire between us. The flames consuming us until the slow rhythm gives away, switching into an urgent demand thrust of passion throwing us into ecstasy. She pleads that I never stop.
I freeze when I hear her murmuring, “Please don’t leave me.”
I kiss her, not letting her speak because I’d do anything for her. If she asks me again to stay, I will do it. I will hate her after she comes to her senses and chooses him. Fuck, I stop for a second, holding back the anger and tears that threaten to spill as the chapter between us closes.
“Don’t stop,” she begs.
I move faster, branding myself on her, trying to leave a print that reminds her that once upon a time I was a part of her.
Hazel’s moans intensify, the walls of her pussy pulsate around my cock. We’re both close, too close. I pump myself a few more times before the final blow that sends us to the peaks of bliss.
“Scott,” she gasps as I growl her name.
I collapse on top of her.
We’re burning.
Basking in the magical fire that’s us.
She glows and smiles. Her glassy eyes are lost in the pool of desire, and I hold her tight and remain inside her, cherishing this moment.
Loving her.
✰ ✰ ✰ ✰
Hazel finally falls asleep after the second time that we made love. She was restless, broken. With every kiss I gave her, I sucked the pain out of her heart and soul. It’s too much for one person to bare. This goodbye was inevitable. I’d known it would happen. She’s never been mine to begin with, but I couldn’t resist loving her. I’ll never stop loving her the way I do.
Several times I said I wouldn’t let her go, that I would hold onto her tight. This is a hundred times worse than when I said goodbye to my parents. Or when I had to quit school, my dreams, and moved back home to care for my younger brothers when Mom and Dad died. Not when I broke up with my girlfriend because I chose my baby brother. I wish that today I didn’t have to give up the one person I love the most in the entire world.
With a last hug, I release her and sit on the edge of the bed. Fuck, I scrub my hands over my face. I wish she’d chose me. But I want her to be happy. Pressing the heels of my palms into my eyes, I take deep breaths. What am I supposed to do with myself? I promised I’d be fine, but how can I continue without her.
Finally, I rise from the bed and search for my clothes. Every movement I make and every step I take is sluggish, without purpose. I take my time finishing the task, regaining my strength. Once I’m ready, I search through her office supplies drawer looking for her stationary, grab a pen, and go to the dining table to write her a note.
Hazel,
Though I have to leave now, I wish I could be with you. Believe me when I say this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my entire life. I thought it was saying goodbye to my parents, or the day we went to the memorial together. That day turned out to be one of the happiest. Every day I’ve been with you has been the best and the happiest day of my life. I don’t care if I must relive this day for the rest of my life, as long as every memory of our time together remains with me in my heart and my soul.
I’m leaving now, but that doesn’t mean I won’t remember you, or that our friendship ended. We’re still partners, and will work together for years to come. Unless you decide to stop. You’ve done plenty to repay the favors I pulled to transfer you to Columbia. In fact, the only reason I said you owed me was so you could be closer to me. I never owned you. No one owns you.
It was a way to be with you because I love you. Everything about you, even the parts of you hide from the world, they’re my favorites. I’ll always love you. I’ll carry with me the memories of our time together forever. Like the first day I saw you, along with the first kiss we shared.
Please, take care of yourself. I know you can do it, but sometimes you look after everyone before yourself. Let people love you for who you are, and not for what you can do for them. If you ever feel overwhelmed with grief or pain, remember that I’m by your side and call me. Never hesitate to call me. If you ever miss me, feel the breeze calling your name. The magic we created together will remain with us forever.
Thank you for sharing yourself with me. Thank you for letting me find you, for allowing me to experience the kind of love that makes your heart beat fast. The one that awakes your soul and keeps you alive.
If by any chance you find out that Elliot isn’t your happiness, I hope you come back to New York. That you let me take you out on a date, maybe multiple ones. Until one day you fall in love with me and I become your air, your heartbeat, your soul, and your infinite. Just like you're mine.
With endless love,
Scott.
P.S. Don’t forget that I like you forever. I’ll also love you forever.
✰ ✰ ✰ ✰
“Why are you packing?” Fitz points at my desk.
“Fuck, did you lose the girl?”
The world spins out of control, but I anchor myself to the floor, and avoid falling into the hole I created when I left Hazel. My heart will ache for a long time, but no one has to know I’m breaking—maybe dying. I ignore my brother, and continue stuffing my things into the cardboard boxes I bought. Earlier, I took care of everything that Hazel needed, and arranged my trip back to New York.
“Well, did you?”
“Fitzhenry, I recommend you stop asking questions and help me clean this place,” I suggest, keeping the anger at bay, next to the grief.
“Yep, you lost the girl,” he exhales in annoyance.
I freeze as I swallow his words. You lost the girl. If I had wanted, I could’ve stayed longer fighting for her, with her, and against her. The longer I stayed, the longer I prolonged our pain. Fitz knows her well, but I don’t think he understands the magnitude of the sacrifices she can make just to ensure that the ones she loves don’t hurt. I released her from whatever link she thought we had. I freed her because I want to be with somebody who loves me, lives for me and won’t be wondering if she should be with someone else.
“There was nothing to lose. Hazel belonged to him all along.” I say, hiding the sorrow.
Elliot defeated me without having to do much work. Fuck, he better treat her right because if he hurts her again, he’ll pay for it. I close my eyes, taking several breaths, swallowing the pain and pushing myself to continue packing.
He presses his lips together, bobbing his head. “Okay then, let’s pack and go home.”
It doesn’t take us long to gather everything we have. Zoey takes care of the shipping and Fitz, and I go back to the hotel to pick up our luggage.
“Hunter is home,” Fitz says as we board the plane. “Your favorite nephew, Charlie, can receive you at the airport with his parents.”
“I don’t need anyone,” I warn him before, he drags Harrison back home. “In fact, I’d appreciate if you don’t mention this until I’m ready.”
“Whatever you decide, Scott.” He salutes me. “I’m with you.”
Chapter Thirty-Seven
“Only do not forget, if I wake up crying, it's only because in my dream I'm a lost child hunting through the leaves of the night for your hands.” ― Pablo Neruda
Hazel
My eyes flutter open. I sit up immediately as I feel his absence. The room spins, my chest aches. Slowly, I turn to his side of the bed. It’s empty, cold, and as lonely as my heart.
Scott left me.
My heart is gone, or maybe the broken little pieces disappeared. The bittersweet gust dragged the fragments. Is it over?
There’s hope. A voice murmurs in my ear.
Pushing myself from the bed, I search through the apartment for him. He’s gone. I only find an envelope with my name written with his sloppy handwriting. I stare at it for several seconds. That letter is a small, unknown insect that could sting me—or kill me. While I’m frightened by what it can do if it bites, I’m curious about what it is. For several seconds I wonder if I should read it or call him and ask him to come back to me.
How can he leave me after what we shared?
How dare he leave me after I surrendered? I should go to the office, talk to him and …and I shouldn’t. He made me promise I that I’d work through my confusion before I contact him. But wasn’t my surrender enough to convince him that I love him?
My phone buzzes. I walk back to my room and take a step back when Elliot’s name flashes on the screen. My pulse increases when I remember last night and our kiss. I hate myself because nothing we said cleared my confusion. It was that promise I made to Scott. Until I’m sure of my feelings, he doesn’t want to stick around. But how will I know?
I can’t analyze my situation. Not when Scott has just left.
I dress, refusing to shower. Today I want to smell like Scott, remembering him at least for the last time. I am sick to my stomach, revolted by my confusion. His stupid doubt brought us to this. If he had chosen me before I wouldn’t have looked back on Elliot, never. But who do I love?
My infinite is one of them, and I want to cry because I want it to be Scott. Out of anyone in this world, he deserves to be loved. But Elliot…he lost everything since his father died, and I want him to be happy again. The way he used to make me happy.
I fire a text to Scott before I leave the house.
Hazel: I’ll respect your wishes. But I wanted to remind you that I like you forever, and always.
I drop onto my bed as I read the text I sent him. Regretting the words not because I don’t mean them, but because they are part of the last words his mom told him before she died. What if I never see him again?
The mere thought is like the drop that spills the glass of water. So, I finally let myself cry for what I’m doing to the best man I’ve ever met, Scott. He doesn’t deserve me or the uncertainty I've created.
I cry for him. For what he’s lost. For not being enough for him. And while the tears wash away my pain, I pray that he finds someone who can be everything he needs, and nothing like me. But God, my soul wilts. I sob harder. What'll happen if someone else owns his heart?
✰ ✰ ✰ ✰
“Day two without Scott,” I say out loud.
Rising from the floor, I dust my hands and walk to the door. I smile at the delivery guy, sign the receipt and close the door. I sigh as I glare at the takeout I ordered through my app. This would be different if Scott were around. It’s not that I can’t feed myself, or think about how to take care of myself, but I felt special when he did it for me. I loved taking care of him. Last night I couldn’t sleep as I wondered where he spent the night and if he was taking care of himself. We had one of those relationships where one would look after the other. I close the door and glance toward my purse where the letter he left yesterday morning waits for me.
The pit of my stomach clenches afraid of what it might say. I haven’t read it. I don’t plan to do it soon. I’m hurt because he left after we made love. It was so tender, magical and like nothing we had experienced before. Yet, he left.
You would’ve begged him to stay. I hate that I understand how he thinks.
The confusion isn’t gone with his absence. It increased. I send a nine-one-one text to Luna and another to Harrison. Thank God for small miracles, Harrison texts back saying he’d call me in just a few.
“What’s up, Bee?”
“Are you sure I can’t be in love with two different people?”
I look at the keys to the house I bought with Scott. Yesterday morning I realized we bought a freaking house—together. In Everhart terms that means, ‘I want to spend the rest of my life with you.’ But Elliot built me the bookcases, and he promised to create a house and a family with me so many years ago.
“You can be in love with many people. But not one love is the same as the other. You taught me that. Didn’t you?”
“Yes, but I feel strongly about Scott and Elliot. If I choose…”
I close my eyes, thinking about the consequences of choosing either one. I would lose the other, I’ll hurt them.
“Who do you see yourself with?”
“What does that mean?”
“Who do you want to grow old with, Bee?”
“I imagined it would be Elliot,” I say, thinking about our old plans.
“Is that image still fresh in your mind?” His question freezes every memory that’s ingrained inside my head.
I remain silent.
“Today, you’re allowed to love them both. But soon you must choose. Who do you want to grow old with? You can only spend the rest of your life with one of them.”
“It’s so simple to say, ‘choose one, Bee.’ But how can I do it without hurting the other one?”
“You’ll hurt him so much more when he realizes that you’re still in love with the other guy. That your heart belongs to him. This is precisely why Scott didn’t want to profess his love for you.”
“He did,” I whisper. “He told me he loved me. So much he can’t breathe without me.”
“I’m sure he’s loved you since he met you, Hazel.”
“But he asked me not to go to him unless I am sure he’s the one.”
“Is he?”
“I—” I snap my mouth closed.
“Tell me, which one made you fall so madly in love you aren’t able to breathe unless he’s right by your side?”
I stare at my old house, searching for answers. But there’s nothing in here. In fact, there is nothing left in this place. The walls don’t hold the answers—or my happiness.
“Which love is the one you want to hold onto, and nurture for the rest of your life?”
“If I knew, I wouldn’t be tormenting myself with so many questions, Harrison. I don’t want to hurt either one, but neither one chose me when I offered them my heart. Now…I’m at a loss.”
“Dad would tell you that to be in love means you’ll see beyond the flaws, and you’ll love the other person even because of their imperfections. That the fire you create between the two of you will remain ignited, even when you’re too far away. The world will spin with every kiss a
s the magic bonds your hearts every time you touch. You’ll sacrifice everything for the other person, but you’ll know that no matter where you are, your heart will belong to him, forever.”
“Scott didn’t give up on us, did he?”
“No, Scott sacrificed his heart because yours is more important.”
“Have you seen him?”
“Yeah, I’m at the penthouse, with my brothers,” he replies. “Last night we flew back to New York. Fitz sent a nine-one-one call.”
My heart clenches with the news, and I want to tell him I’m a mess too. Because his brother left me.
“How is he?”
“He’s a fucking mess,” he responds.
I gasp, worried about his state of mind.
“But before you jump on a plane, I need you to figure out your shit,” he warns me. “He will always be your Scotty, even if you stay with Elliot. It’s best if you let him go now.”
“I haven’t chosen, yet.”
“Well, don’t call him until you choose, please.”
“Even if I don’t choose him?”
“Either way, he needs to know, and you two have to heal.”
“How about you and your brothers, will I lose you?”
“Never, you’re ours.”
I swallow, closing my eyes, relieved that I still belong to them even if Scott and I aren’t together. “Thank you for the advice.”
“Anytime, Bee.”
“Hazel, are you in there?” My heart beats fast as I hear Elliot’s voice.
What do I do now?
Chapter Thirty-Eight
“Love ends for reasons and leaves with a lesson.” ― Anonymous
Hazel
“Hi,” I open the door, looking at Elliot.
I remember the beautiful boy next door. He used to be shorter, lankier, and so sweet. Suddenly, everything is all clear. He’s not that kid anymore, and I’m not that girl.
“I’ve been calling you since yesterday,” he tilts his head, looking at me. “Are you okay?”
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