No, not okay at all, just getting by.
“It’s been a complicated day.”
“Is there something I can help with?”
“Can we talk?” I clear my face, tilting my head toward the backyard.
He nods, stepping into the house, and following behind me as I make my way to the backyard. I stop right on our spot, just outside of the property a few feet away from the ocean, but far enough to avoid the water.
“Yesterday wasn’t a good day,” I confess staring at the waves washing the sand back to the ocean.
“Your depression?” He squeezes my hand. “Lean on me. Whatever you need, I’m here for you.”
“Thank you, but it wasn’t that. I’ve had a couple of days to think about us, our past and…” I swallow, gathering the courage to say the words. “I don’t see us getting back together.”
He flinches, and then, his body goes still. My heart bleeds as I say these words. While working at my parents’ house, I believed that this was where I’d be happy, San Francisco. I convinced myself that maybe if I looked beyond what I had in New York, I’d find what I had lost, or something new. I’ve spent minutes, days, and weeks remembering how life was with Elliot. Everything became so clear how I fell in love with him when I was fifteen. He was the perfect boy.
Slowly, our time together has come back to me. For the past couple of weeks, I wanted to believe that Elliot was who I loved. This week I had a taste of what things can be between us. I submerged in a bubble where I pretended that this could be my life. Except, I feel incomplete. Part of me is missing, my heart.
“For a moment, I wanted to believe I never stopped loving you.”
I pause, looking at the ocean. “But, I did. No matter how long we talk about the past and our future, or how much we kiss. We can’t bring back what we lost.”
“But what we had was enough.”
But there's nothing left. My heart is in New York.
With Scott.
Things with Scott have always been different, unique. It’s imperfect in a way that fits the two of us. He makes me feel like I’m in the middle of a storm. He’s the storm. I love when I get lost in him. Because every time we’re together, he finds me and reminds me he’s where I belong. We had our safe world where only the two of us coexisted.
The way I fit with Scott is inimitable.
“We don’t have to rush into anything,” Elliot presses with a cautious tone. He makes it sound like something that can be fixed. “We can take it one day at a time. This is us, Hazel, there’s a good reason you came back.”
He pauses, closing his eyes for a beat, “...to me.”
“We could try,” I whisper, swallowing the words, I didn’t come back to you, though. This journey was about me. “ I can work hard to fit myself into the mold where we can exist.” I look down to the tattoo on my foot.
Live the life you love; love the life you live.
“But it’s been over for years, Eli.”
“That’s not possible, Bee.” He points toward the horizon.
“You came back into my life. Everything is going back to what it’s supposed to be.” His desperate voice overwhelms me. “You’re my wife, my forever. The person who I should spend the rest of my life with. If not you, then what'll happen to me?”
For years, I thought in that same way. If it’s not him, then who? When the love of my life arrived, I shielded myself behind Elliot, and I hurt him. Scott doubted me because of his insecurities, but also because of mine.
I lift my hand and stroke his arm. “It’s time to build your life.”
“This isn’t forever.” I grab his left hand and twist off his ring. “It’s a shield to protect yourself from the outside world, but also to punish yourself.”
“What do you mean?”
He frowns staring at my hands in horror as I strip him from the object he’s been using as an excuse to live. I would know it, he’s been my excuse too.
“It’s a buffer you use to keep everyone away from your heart,” I explain, thinking about the many strategies I used to keep myself away from everyone who tried to get too close. “I’m sorry if I hurt you.”
“Bee, I’m the one who hurt you, and I can’t forgive myself for doing so.”
“Find a way to forgive yourself too, Eli.”
I place the ring in the sand, right next to him. It’s his decision what to do with it next.
“Our love was only meant to live for a few breaths. It was beautiful nonetheless.” I try to come up with an explanation of why we shared such an intense love, and why we couldn’t keep it alive. “I was chaos to your thoughts; you became poison to my heart.”
“Are you seriously saying goodbye?” His head drops, his chin almost hitting his chest.
I nod. My heart is beating fast and my hands are sweaty. It’s not because I’m depressed, but anxious to end this conversation and fly back to Scott’s side.
“But…I love you,” he says with a slight stutter.
I hear it clearly. The doubt in his feelings.
“The fact that you pushed me so easily away from your heart proves I wasn’t as important. When you have a love as strong as the roots of a redwood tree, there’s no way to remove it from your heart. But I’m thankful for everything you did for me. Loving me, protecting me, and making me laugh. Thank you for letting me love you.”
“You’re giving up on us.” His tone is angry. His voice remains low. “All these years I’ve been waiting for a chance to tell you how sorry I am for hurting you. That I love you, and that there’s no life without you.”
He presses his lips together. The silence becomes deafening, and the sadness of the moment dims my soul. I hate the guilt that’s thumping wildly through my chest. I did nothing wrong, but I understand him. I’ve been as lost as him.
“You said you forgave me.”
“Yes, but that’s not enough to be together.”
“I feel like I lost you three times. You came back and reminded me of how amazing it is to be in love with you. And now, you’re leaving me again.” Elliot lifts his chin, exhaling the words harshly.
“How am I supposed to continue now? My heart is empty.”
“You live, and along the way, you’ll find someone who’ll be just the right person for you.” I look at the horizon, smiling as I think about Scott.
He was the guy who pulled down the wall I had placed, and loved all those broken pieces he found beneath it. Even better, he fused them together with his heart.
The magic you create when you’re together, it stays with you. Anyone can sense it.
I recall Scott’s parents, and the stories he tells me about them, and their love.
Infinite.
As I reach for the word I placed on top of the shelf and hold it close to my heart, I see him.
Scott.
“Scott?” His voice is loud, but there’s no anger.
I face him. “Pardon me?”
“You’re in love with Scott.” He narrows his gaze, his lips pressed against each other.
“Eli…”
He angles his head, furrowing his eyebrows. “It all makes sense. During the gala, I noticed the light touches between the two of you. The communication between you two without words. There’s something about the two of you. I didn’t want to acknowledge it, but it's so clear.”
We stare at each other. I swallow hard. “I’m sorry if this hurt you, Elliot."
“My relationship with Scott has been confusing. Then suddenly, you walked into my office, and my brain crashed.”
He huffs. “I hoped things would be different this time.”
“Do you see us together?” I play with the sand, recalling Harrison’s words.
Who do you see yourself growing old with?
“Or do you just think it’ll bring your old life back if we try to work on that old relationship?”
We stare at each other for several breaths. The memories of us replay in my head. This is the boy who taught me how to surf
, who followed me on my multiple adventures, and held my hand, assuring me I wasn’t alone.
“I was so lucky,” I mumble. “For having you as my best friend while growing up. That’s something I’ll always cherish.”
Suddenly, his eyes widen. His shoulders collapsed, his gaze falls. “I hate that you’re right. I should fight you, fight for us, but…”
He shakes his head. “It’s been long since I could see you in my future. I’ve always saved you in the past.”
He exhales the words. “We’re over.”
“I think neither one of us wanted to accept it.” Teardrops fall, cascading down my cheeks as the reality sinks into the depths of my soul.
Elliot leans forward, drying my tears away with his thumbs. He puts his arm around me. “I love you. I do, and I always have. I’m sure I always will. But I’m sorry that I stopped loving you the way you deserved.”
“I’m sorry too,” I rest my head on his shoulder.
“Thank you,” he says as he kisses the top of my head. “For finally giving me that closure.”
We remain still, silent grieving for our losses. As sad as this moment is, there’s a lightness in my back and in my heart.
Elliot brushes a strand of hair out of my face. “Are you going back to New York?”
“Yes, that’s where my family lives, and that’s where I belong.” I rise from my seat. “Maybe we’ll finish the house, and use it as a vacation spot.”
“If you need help with this place, let me know.” He kisses my cheek. “I’ll see you around, Hazel Bee.”
Chapter Thirty-Nine
“When you put your arms around me, I’m home.” — Hazel Beesley
Hazel
“This is it,” I mumble, jittery with excitement. As I knock on the door, my heart thunders fast against my chest, threatening to break loose. It’s the thrill of being back home, but also the fear of what’s about to happen. I hate uncertainty, and for the past twelve hours, I’ve been just thinking about this moment. Between closing the house in Santa Cruz, packing up most of my stuff, and hopping on a plane that took almost six hours to fly from coast to coast, I am about to lose my mind.
The door opens slowly. It’s Harrison peeking and narrowing his gaze. He then turns around and yells, “Who had Sunday seven o’clock in the morning?”
“What are you talking about?” I frown, biting my lip.
“And why are you here so early on a Sunday morning?”
He steps aside, letting me in. Fitz and Hunter stand around the pool table. The Everhart house doesn’t have typical furniture. After their parents died, Fitz went through a phase where he only wanted to party and get into trouble. Scott redecorated the living room, and dining room and made it look like a bar so Fitz would hang out with his friends at home.
“I believe it was Grant Beesley,” Hunter says, and I notice that the three of them are wearing sweats, a hoodie, and running shoes. “He said Sunday. First thing in the morning.”
“Explain.” I cross my arms, studying the three brothers.
“We have a bet running.” Harrison pulls out his wallet and a hundred-dollar bill, placing it on the pool table.
“On?”
“When you’ll come back running to your Scotty,” Fitz grins, pulling his wallet and places his losses on top of Harrison’s. “I wish you had waited a day.”
“Who is it?” Scott steps outside of the kitchen, and freezes as he spots me.
“And it’s time for us to leave, children,” Harrison says, and the three leave the apartment without saying another word.
“Hi,” I greet Scott as I hold my breath waiting for him to…what do I want from him?
To hold me in his arms and swear that he’d never let me go. His eyes dart at me, his face struggling to hold all his emotions. But I see them, the pain, the rage, but most of all the love.
“You’re here,” he rasps.
“Where else would I be?” I respond holding my breath in anticipation.
My heart pumps faster as I wait for him to say more or give me a signal.
It’s when he finally grins that I rush toward him. He opens his arms, and I launch myself onto him. He captures me. Grabbing me into a tight hug, and lifting me off the ground.
“Thank fuck you’re here,” he repeats, nuzzling my hair.
“Of course, I’m here.” I wrap my hands around his neck, and my legs around his waist. “It’s hard to be away from home.”
“You’re my home.” I bury my face in the crook of his neck breathing his scent. Soothing my soul.
“I’m your home,” he repeats, throwing that cocky Everhart grin.
I untangle myself from him. “You’re my place in the world—where I belong.”
He swipes his thumb across my cheek. I shut my eyes as he leans closer to me and caresses my eyelids with his soft lips. I had no idea I that I was crying until I feel the wetness of the tears running down my face. His arms hug me tight as he murmurs reassuring and loving words.
“Why are you crying?”
“You left me,” I sob, my chest heaving.
“After I gave you everything, you left me,” I repeat. “Numbed, I tried to be with someone who wasn’t you.”
“I was an idiot.” His strong arms squeeze me harder as he’s trying to absorb all the pain from me. “It’s impossible to assume that you’d stay with him when we are one. We’ve been one for so long.”
“We were afraid,” I say, in a soft voice, trying to regain my strength. I work to stop the toppling tears that are soaking his shirt.
“What we have is big,” I sniff. “Our love is bigger than the universe, we just had to find a way to embrace it.”
I rest my head on his chest, while he draws circles on my back to soothe me. My heart is finally beating at the right tempo. We have to talk about San Francisco and our future. But I need to be in his embrace a little longer. The darkness dissipates when I’m nestled in his arms.
“I was getting ready to fly back to San Francisco, though,” he mumbles. “Last night, I couldn’t breathe. My heart jolted. I could almost hear your silky voice calling me from far away."
My hands resting on his chest. “I needed my place. My heart. You were too far away, and I was lost.”
“Here.” He touches my sternum slightly, then takes my hand interlocking it with his. “I’m always here, baby. In your heart. That’s where I belong.”
He kisses my knuckles, staring at me. “I just have to ask one last question.” He lifts my chin, brushing his lips against mine. “Do you love him?”
I shake my head. “Not the way I love you. The way I feel about you knows no limits. It’s…”
“Infinite,” we say at the same time.
“Have you found what you were looking for?”
“I had it all along.” I run a hand through his hair. “My family, my life.”
I sigh, kissing his jaw. “And you.”
“We found each other.” Scott kisses the back of my hand.
Then, he tilts his face, his mouth coming down on mine. His warm hand cups the nape of my neck while the other presses my ass. I’m aroused. My body comes to life, ignited with desperate need. His tongue twirls with mine. They dance to our tune, the same melody that’s been playing since our first kiss. My body melts against his as he presses our bodies closer. My blood pounds deep into my core.
“I love you,” I tell him.
“I love you more,” he answers back, as we walk toward his room.
After my journey, love still has the same meaning it’s had for as long as I can remember. It’s a verb, a noun, an adjective, and an adverb with many meanings but it’s hard to explain in only a few words. As I glance at the pictures on top of the dresser, I smile. Love still matters. Love is wanting to see the other person happy. Love is choosing someone above everybody else over and over again: choosing them without a doubt. Love is having the courage to think of ways to spend every second of your life with your other half.
Love
is Scott.
✰ ✰ ✰ ✰
“By night, Love, tie your heart to mine, and the two together in their sleep will defeat the darkness” ― Pablo Neruda
Scott
I take her in my arms, kissing her hard and fast, claiming her lips as I plan to do with her body. My hands roam all over it. She runs her fingers down my back and pulling the hem of the shirt, lifting it over the top of my head and breaking our kiss. She runs her fingernails over my chest, her touch searing my skin as she traces my ink.
“I love you so much, Hazel.” I hold her face in my hands, catching her mouth and kissing her deeply, parting her mouth and tasting her desire. I kiss her slowly like we have an eternity to love each other.
From this day forward, I have a place I can call home, Hazel. I set her on the bed, taking off her leggings and pushing down my pants.
“Don’t,” she orders as I open her thighs and lower my head. “I’m ready for you, I want you inside of me, please.”
I crawl between her open legs, my cock right at her entrance. Our gazes meet, and I see the flare in her eyes and the love. She’s all mine without fears or reservations. I thrust inside her, filling every inch of her as she coats me with her sweet heat. We are one. I take her mouth. Our souls fuse at this moment as I drive myself deeper and deeper inside her.
“I know you,” I tell her, breaking our kiss. “Every pulse, every thought, every fear, every freckle, every scar. For that, I love you more.”
With every consuming thrust, I feel content, complete.
Chapter Forty
“My dream wouldn’t be complete without you in it.” ― The Princess & the Frog
Hazel
Snow is falling. The flakes kiss my face as I step outside into the terrace of the Everhart penthouse. We bunkered in Scott’s room for the past few hours. But his brothers texted, letting us know they were on their way to visit us with lunch.
“I missed the cold,” I say to no one, looking at the ground that has a thin layer of snow.
Central Park is covered in a thick blanket of white. The dormant branches of the trees peek out under their new white caps.
Found Page 26