by Brynn Ford
That was mostly a justifiable reason. They’d be gone in another week or so. But I found myself thinking through the fact that I’d have a reason to visit the penthouse more often if Desi were living there. Not that I needed a reason to see Law, but it was a nice bonus excuse.
Desi toyed with the lid on her coffee cup, avoiding our eyes. Finally, she sighed, then responded.
“I guess you’re right. I’ll…I’ll start packing this weekend?”
She said it as a question.
“You will,” Law replied.
He said it as a command.
“I’ll bring over some boxes later after I make sure Ris gets home and settled,” he added.
“I can bring Callen over to help move you,” I offered, “He’s pretty good at organizing stuff. Plus, I’m bored being off work and if I can’t do anything useful, I may as well come take up space in your apartment while you work,” I grinned.
“I can always find use for you, Angel,” Law squeezed my leg again, and fuck, my insides melted to a puddle, “It’s settled then?”
Desi swallowed, her forehead crinkled, “Yeah. Yeah, it’s fine. I think I’m gonna take off now, if you guys don’t mind. I think I just need some time alone. It’s been a weird day.”
“It’s been a totally weird day, sweetie. Go do what you need to do, just give me a one-armed hug before you go,” I smiled.
She stood, slipping her head through her crossbody purse strap and settling it on her shoulder. She bent sideways to give me a sort-of hug. With my left arm still in a sling, it was hard for either of us to make it work any better.
Desi waved goodbye and sauntered out of the coffee shop. She was slow moving and sad and it hurt me to watch. I lifted my good hand to my heart, pulling a face that matched what I felt.
“Oh, God, that poor thing,” I told Law, “She’s been through so much shit.”
Law nodded somberly, “She has. I really hate that I have no control over that.”
“I know you do. You’re doing surprisingly well with having such little control.”
“It’s not just with her, you know.”
“Oh?”
“Every time I look over at you and see that fucking sling, it reminds me how much he hurt you. And I didn’t have a fucking clue what was going on when you were dating him. I like to think that if I’d known, I could’ve stopped it.”
I shook my head, “You couldn’t have stopped it. I wouldn’t have listened. There are a lot of things that happened with Asher that I’ll probably never tell you about. You’d think less of me if you knew, so it’s better that way.”
He snapped his head to the side to give me his full attention, “Why would I think less of you? That’s impossible, Ris, I could never think of you as anything less than a Queen. A demanding, spoiled rotten Queen, but a Queen nonetheless,” he grinned.
I smiled, “Just trust me. If you knew the things I let him get away with, you’d think I was the dumbest woman alive,” I looked down at my tea, “I certainly feel that way in hindsight.”
“What is it with the women in my life thinking they deserve to have bad things happen to them? As if it’s your fault.”
“I don’t think I deserve it. It’s just that I let him get away with so much that he thought he could get away with even more.”
His fingers dug into my leg, almost painfully, as he scooted closer on the bench seat, “You’re saying it’s your fault that he tried to kill you. Twice. Because you let him do some stupid shit before that?”
“Well, when you say it that way –”
“What? It sounds stupid?” the corner of his mouth twisted upward into a smirk.
Oh, God.
Don’t smirk at me, you.
I couldn’t help my smile, “You’d better get me home, mister. My mother will be wondering where I am.”
“We could make her wonder a little longer.”
“Hmm?”
“You know I miss you, right?”
What?
He cleared his throat and corrected, “I miss hanging out with you. I want to spend more time with you, just being friends.”
Oh.
“I miss you too, honey.”
“So let’s hang out a little longer.”
“I’m not really sure what you mean by ‘hang out’ when your hand is gripping my thigh like this, but in any case, I’m actually in a lot of pain and need to go home so I can pop some pain pills.”
He patted my leg, in a friendly way, acknowledging that the way he’d been touching me was anything but friendly.
“Okay, sweetheart. Let’s get you home then.”
And that was that.
As soon as I got back to my apartment, I took my prescription medication to manage the pain and climbed into bed. I said a prayer for it to take over quickly and drown out the physical pain. I just wished it would also wash away the emotional ache of these mixed-up feelings over my almost-maybe-more-than-friends-ex-lover-best-friend.
I knew that was hoping for too much.
Chapter 5
Desi
My life had been drawn into a chaotic circle. I was constantly spinning through a pattern of distressing events, punctuated only briefly by happy moments and newfound friends.
In the last year, I had met the man of my dreams, gotten married, lost my baby, cheated on my husband, found a new sexual lifestyle, fell back in love with the man I married, watched him get arrested and my best friend nearly murdered, and now I was dealing with the confusion and turmoil of it all.
What a cluster fuck.
I was a stressed-out bundle of emotions the day I finally got to see my husband for a visitation in jail. I was excited to see him, but equally terrified of exactly how I would see him. I never in a million years dreamed I would be visiting my husband in jail. It’s not exactly every little girl’s dream for their future.
County jail was far more depressing than my empty home. It was more anxiety inducing than a hospital. It took my breath away more swiftly and completely than seeing Ris, bruised and broken, in a hospital bed had.
My husband was trapped within these walls. He had been stolen from me and brought here to be kept, all because he gave a man something he deserved for nearly killing a woman I cared deeply about. Vaughn didn't deserve to be locked up in a place like this.
Law came with me to the visit. Though I tried to convince him I was okay to come alone, he insisted on being there for me. Once we arrived, I was thankful that he was with me.
This place was cold, hard stone. The energy was stagnant, charged with an undercurrent of violence. It made my stomach churn, my heart race, my palms sweat. When we entered the open visitation space that was filled with round tables and cheap metal chairs, I felt suddenly breathless, knowing that I would be able to leave whenever I wanted to, but Vaughn would be trapped here.
Six months.
Only six months.
The corrections officer told us to sit at a table in the far corner while Vaughn was collected from wherever the hell they kept him captive. I sat with my back to the wall with Law beside me. I wanted to be sure I saw him as soon as they brought him in. It was nearly fifteen minutes before he appeared. I didn't know what I expected to see, but the sight of him sucked the air from my lungs.
Vaughn was wearing tan scrubs, the top just a little too small with the way his muscle filled it out. I guess I was surprised not to see him in bright orange or black and white stripes. Seeing the plain, tan prison garb reminded me that this wasn't a movie, it was real life.
My real life.
Our real life.
Vaughn's face was flat. Not cold, but unreadable. Expressionless. It killed me to see that. I wanted his smile. I needed his smile.
I stood to draw attention to myself when the officer said something to him as he brushed past. Vaughn nodded and I couldn't help myself but to call out to him.
"Vaughn," his name squeaked out of me in desperate sadness.
His head snapped in my direct
ion and when our eyes locked, the brightness came back full force with a broad smile that wrinkled the corners of his eyes. I wanted to run toward him, I wanted him to run to me, but neither of us were allowed.
The moment we were in reaching distance, he pulled me into his arms. I squeezed him around the waist, holding him tightly, afraid that someone would pull him away from me. We held each other for what felt like nanoseconds and a lifetime all at once.
Vaughn was the first to pull back. I looked up at him and he glanced back toward the officers before looking down at me. No one seemed to care that he still held me.
"Kiss me," I said.
"I don't think I'm allowed," he replied with a smirk before bending to capture my lips.
I sighed into his kiss as his tongue swept past my lips. I fed him my love quickly, knowing that this kiss might be the only we were given. I missed the hardness of his chest in the way he held me close. I missed the taste of him. I missed his strength. I missed the way he loved me.
"Inmate! Hands to yourself," called one of the corrections officers.
That was it.
The kiss ended.
Vaughn pulled away, glancing back at the officers with a glare before letting me go and moving to sit across from us on the opposite side of the table. I stood in place, heavy from the weight of all of this as the reality sat down painfully on my shoulders.
Vaughn shook Law's hand across the table in greeting and gratitude as I slowly moved to sit. He sighed as his honey brown eyes smiled at me.
"I missed you, baby,” he said.
"God, I missed you so much, Vaughn. Are you okay?"
"Right now, I'm great," he brushed his thumb across his bottom lip, "That's the best fucking thing I've tasted in two weeks."
I chuckled, "That might be an insult, given that you don't have anything good here to compare it to."
Vaughn grinned, "I missed your snark, babe. Have you been okay?"
I nodded and it shook tears loose from behind my eyes that I didn’t even know were forming.
"Yeah," I tried to reassure him, "Yeah, I've been okay. I'll be okay. It's just the waiting, you know? I just want you to come home."
"Me too, Holly Blue. You've gotta stay strong for me, though, okay? I need you to be ready for me when I get out of here because I'm gonna tear your ass up the moment I get home."
He winked, though the usual playfulness behind it was weak, strained. I didn’t want him to see that I had noticed he was off.
I forced a laugh, “My Prince Charming. I’ll be ready for you, V. I promise."
He licked his lips and looked at mine before taking a deep breath, "Has Law been taking care of you?"
Law and I looked at each other and smiled.
I nodded, "Yeah, he's been keeping me in check."
"Good. Did he tell you what I asked him to do?”
My forehead wrinkled, “He told me that you asked him to take care of me.”
Vaughn looked pointedly at Law, “Is that all you told her?”
“Yes,” Law said plainly.
“I told you to tell her everything, Law. This is fucking serious to me. Six months is a long damn time.”
Law replied coolly, “That depends on how you look at it. Besides, this is a conversation that’s more appropriate for the two of you to have.”
Law swallowed a yawn. He was overdoing it between taking care of me and Ris and working late nights at his clubs. I put my hand on his shoulder.
“What are you two talking about?” I asked delicately.
Vaughn sighed, reaching his hand across the table and I took it in mine. They shared a look as Vaughn ran his thumb across my knuckles, back and forth. I waited for a response.
Vaughn’s voice was tender, “I’m worried for you, Desi. Before everything that happened with Law, you were so…” his forehead wrinkled as he searched for a word.
I found several for him, “Lost? Depressed? Lonely? Distant?”
“All of the above,” he gave me a small smile, “I don’t want you losing yourself again. I can’t lose you like that again. I don’t know how life behind bars is going to change me. I’m gonna need you strong when I get out of here. I know I got lucky with a light sentence, but six months of living like this…it’s a big fucking deal.”
I huffed, “Obviously, I understand that, Vaughn. I get the reality of the situation. Trust me, I get it.”
“Hey,” he snapped, “Don’t get snippy with me about this. I’m doing the best I can, Desi. I have no control over my life right now, babe. None. I get told when to eat shitty food, I sleep on a nasty old mat on top of a metal bunk bed that I can barely fit my whole body on.”
Vaughn’s tone dropped low and gruff, picking up in pace as he continued to speak.
“I’m trapped in a room with forty other guys twenty-four hours a day who have even bigger egos and worse impulse control issues than I do. I’ve got some sick fuck neo-Nazis trying to recruit me for a fucking race war that I don’t want to have anything the fuck to do with, but I may not have a goddamn choice if I want to stay alive in this hell hole. There are fist fights every fucking day and I’m just doing my best to keep my head down and out of everyone’s business so I can get through the next day, so I can get to the next phone call with you.”
He took a breath as he looked at me, surely taking in the shocked expression on my face as tears dropped from the corners of my eyes for him.
“I’m sorry, Desi. I shouldn’t be telling you all of that. I don’t want to put that on you. But I need you to understand just how fucking real this is. I have no choices here. No say. No control. The only thing I have a say over is you. I need that, baby. I need you to let me make decisions for you when I know what’s best. Even from behind bars. I need your trust in me, your faith. Can you give me that?”
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
I nodded voraciously. I knew it was real, too real, but to sit here and watch him tell me face-to-face about the horrors I’d been pretending could only happen in the movies, it made me physically ill. He swiped his hand across his mouth before letting go of my hand, dropping his head into his palms and digging his fingers into his tousled hair.
“Vaughn,” I started, “V, you have my trust and my faith. You have my obedience. You have my respect, my mind, my heart, my soul. You have my unconditional love, baby. You have it all. Whatever you need. Just tell me what you want me to do.”
He looked up at me and grinned sadly as he dropped his forearms to the table, crossing them and leaning forward.
“Thank you, baby. For being mine,” he sighed, “I want you to let Law take care of you.”
My brow furrowed, “I have been letting him take care of me.”
He shook his head, “You’re not understanding what I’m saying, babe. I want you to let Law take care of all of you in my absence, body, mind, and soul.”
Body, mind, and soul.
Body, mind, and soul.
Body, mind, and soul.
I glanced at Law to find him watching me carefully, studying my face as I worked through what Vaughn was telling me.
“Blue,” V commanded, “I want you to seek out Law in the times when you need comfort, when you need someone strong to remind you of who you are and why you keep going. You keep going for me. Because when I get out of here, you’re gonna be there and ready to welcome me home. You’re gonna stay strong enough to be with me through all of this. Do you understand?”
I started to say yes, but then realized that maybe I didn’t really understand what he was getting at with the way they both looked at me.
“You want me to do pain play with Law? Like I was doing before?”
Vaughn hesitated, “Yes. And more if that’s what you need,” he seemed to struggle to get the words out.
“More? Vaughn.”
I paused to sort through my feelings, but it wasn’t enough time. It was becoming clear what he wanted, and I didn’t know how I felt about it.
“You want
me to have an affair with Law?”
He bristled, “Well, fuck. I wouldn’t say it like that.”
“But you’re asking me to seek him out when I have needs, emotional and physical. Right?”
“Yes. Let’s just say I’m lending you to your ex-side guy, putting you out on loan. But I fully expect to see a huge return on my investment in your well-being when I get out of here,” he half-smiled, trying to come off as cool and playful, but I could see the struggle and strain in his eyes.
I wanted to fight him, to argue, to tell him how stupid he was being, but I wouldn’t knowing what he was going through. He just wanted to know that I would be around for him when he got released. He had somehow drawn the conclusion that giving me permission to be with Law would ensure I didn’t start running around with other guys.
I would tell him what he needed to hear. I would tell him I belonged to him and that I would do what he wanted me to do. It didn’t mean I actually had to follow through with anything with Law.
So quietly, I conceded, “Yes, V.”
They were both silent, still watching me, their energies twisting and pulling together until they faded into a common pulse. My concession bonded them in their common directive to care for me. I was lucky to have them both. Undeserving, but damn lucky. Law’s hand landed between my shoulder blades and rubbed in a soft circle, feeding my soul with comfort and strength as I reached for Vaughn’s hands again.
Vaughn smiled at me, showing me happiness and gratitude for my understanding of what he was asking me to do. He was asking me to use Law to meet my needs because he couldn’t be there to do it himself. He loved me so selflessly, honorably, honestly, that he would freely give me to another man so I wouldn’t lose myself again in depression, so I would still be me when he finally came home.
He didn’t understand that I was determined to wait for him.
“You’re everything, Vaughn,” I told him truthfully.