by Rachel Lee
“You’re just dealing with some heavy stuff. Frankly, you’re dealing with it well, as far as I can see. Nothing to apologize for, Kerri. Quit kicking your own butt. Other people will supply the kicks for you.”
A fugitive grin tugged at the corners of her mouth despite all her other worries. Why did she want to be mad at him, anyway? Because he’d lectured her? But he’d been right in most of what he said, if not all.
“Just don’t make a habit of lecturing me,” she said.
“I don’t intend to. But I figured since I was watching you start to crumble, a little shoring up might be needed. You’ve got an awful lot to be proud of, and you sure don’t lack determination. There, now go figure out your own problems.”
He gave her an amused look and she laughed reluctantly.
She ate quite a bit, more than usual. It seemed he might have been right about her blood sugar, and she promised herself that when this case was in the bag she’d visit a doctor about it. Well, if it happened again.
Another matter soon distracted her, though. That matter was Stu. He was so close, and the stirrings of desire she’d been trying to ignore were bubbling up, grabbing her attention whether she wanted it or not.
Despite the few times she’d read desire in his gaze, he’d been perfectly proper with her. Maybe that was because of her. She envisioned signs and stickers all over herself saying Do Not Approach.
Because that’s how she’d been feeling for some time. While she didn’t like to think of herself as a coward, in some ways she’d become one. She kept to herself most of the time because she feared someone would see her have a seizure. That badge Gage had given her had overcome some of her reluctance because it said she was still useful in one of the ways that mattered most to her.
But her cowardice went further. She was afraid of relationships because someone might turn on her. Most especially she was afraid of involvement with a man because he might quickly tire of her limitations. Who wanted a wife who couldn’t be trusted in a kitchen, who couldn’t drive herself anywhere? Who might turn into a public embarrassment by freezing at the wrong time, like during a conversation with friends, or even ordering from a menu?
Stu had been infinitely patient, as if it didn’t matter to him, but how long would that last when the reality hit home? When it became frequent?
Then there was today. He made a good case for a little problem with low blood sugar, but there was no way to be sure her seizures weren’t getting worse or enduring longer.
* * *
Ivan stood outside the apartment building, seriously troubled. He didn’t know what to make of what was going on. At first when he’d wondered if Kerri Addison was somehow gathering information, he’d mostly shrugged it off, even though he’d heard someone remark that she’d learned something that had been reported. She was nobody but a college instructor and she had no right to actually question anyone. She was limited to casual conversation.
But today when she’d come out of his second victim’s home, her jacket had been unzipped and he’d seen the sheriff’s badge. Glinting and unmistakable on her belt. No gun or anything, but that badge loomed large in his mind.
So he’d hit the college library and looked her up in detail on the computer. Damn, the woman had awards for her work with victims, for helping to solve cases, especially rape cases. She was a trained rape counselor and investigator.
And now she wore a badge. Whatever she did had become official, not casual, and she’d be looking carefully for information because it was her job.
Uneasiness crept along his spine. He was unsure what she might have learned already. There were a few people around town he’d overheard once again talking about how she was helping and gathering information.
And while he was convinced that he’d left no evidence behind, he had no way of knowing if he’d betrayed himself in some way to the victims. Especially the second one who was conscious and able to talk. That Addison woman was spending a whole lot of time with her.
He looked up at the lit windows on her second-floor apartment, thought about the cop cars he hadn’t paid much attention to previously because they just kept coming and going, but had to face the fact they were transporting her to and from the hospital, and now to one victim’s home.
She was on the case, and given her background, she might be the biggest threat he faced.
He’d been thinking about his next victim, and as he stared up at those lit windows, he decided he needed this one. And he needed to do more than before. He needed to remove her permanently.
She was at the isolated end of the building. Her nearest neighbors were at the other end. He’d have time to take her out, and even enjoy it while he was doing it.
But there was the dog. He had to think about the dog, but his fear of the animal was decreasing in direct proportion to the growth of his fear of what Addison might learn.
He could feel himself zeroing in on her at various levels. She’d make a good victim. She was clearly disabled in some way, given her service dog, and might be even easier to take than the others.
He did want to kick himself, though, for repeatedly turning his attention elsewhere even when he started to have niggling concerns about that woman.
Teacher. Disabled. None of that, he now feared, outweighed “former cop.” Certainly the sheriff didn’t seem to think so.
Ivan agonized over what his second victim might remember. His voice? His eyes? He couldn’t conceal them behind that damn mask. Something else that hadn’t even occurred to him? If she recalled anything that could link him to the crimes, that Addison woman wouldn’t miss it. Hell, no. She was trained not to miss it.
He was certain that’s why the sheriff had taken her on. Nobody on the force had the kind of experience with this type of crime that Addison did. Matters that might fly by others as insignificant could set off her alarms. And be reported. Oh, yes, reported, and given her new status the cops would listen.
He stood there, staring up at those windows, and nearly ducked when he saw a man’s figure appear in one of them. But Ivan was sure he’d picked a puddle of darkness that would effectively conceal him from anyone looking out of a lighted room.
Canady. Another problem. Ivan would have to wait for a night when Canady didn’t hang around. Although he did leave early enough usually. Ten or eleven. Which left Kerri Addison on her own for long enough.
He needed to scope out the building to make sure there’d be no one close enough to cause a problem. He could do that tomorrow in the daylight, and if anyone asked him what he was doing, he’d just say he was considering renting.
Easy enough. He had some idea of the layout, but he wanted to be sure where all the players were located. That the building was indeed as empty as he thought.
Then the dog question. Would it be best to throw a steak? Or just kick the mutt in the side hard enough to break something?
A kick would be so much more satisfying.
He settled in to wait. If Canady left soon, he could check out the building tonight. He scanned it from one end to the other, looking for lights. One after another they winked on.
People were home. And they were all at the far end.
Yeah, he could do it. Satisfy himself and take care of the threat all at once.
He felt for the knife holster in his pant leg. The knife could take care of the dog, too. He nodded to himself. Just wear thick sleeves. He could handle the dog.
Then he could handle her.
* * *
“I’m so grateful Cadell is willing to give May a dog,” Kerri said. “She’ll feel so much safer.”
“Who wouldn’t?”
They’d moved into the living room after cleaning up from dinner. Kerri had told him he’d better come over for dinner tomorrow since she had enough food for an army now.
“Not really,” he laughed. “But the leftovers might mak
e you a good lunch tomorrow. I can’t come over, anyway. I’m on duty until eleven or twelve.”
Her stomach sank. “Really?” Only then did she realize how very much she enjoyed his visits. She didn’t want to spend an evening without him, although in fairness this wouldn’t be the first time he hadn’t dropped over.
But it was the first time she faced how attached she was becoming. Warning bells wanted to ring but they were muffled now. She didn’t want to hear them. Wisdom was escaping her, replaced by a syrupy sensation that filled her. Every cell in her body was growing soft. And heavy.
Oh, man, she had it bad. Ignoring it wasn’t going to be enough.
She looked at him again and saw the heat in his gaze. A slight change in his expression that seemed to call to her.
As if drawn by a spell, she rose from her recliner and went to sit beside him on the couch. He watched her, never taking his eyes from her, making her feel warm all over.
“Stu?” she said, her voice little more than a whisper.
“Mmm?”
“You know my problems. I seem to have more of them than I even realized. But...” She bit her lower lip.
He didn’t help her or press her, simply waited for her to speak. For once in her life she wanted to be interrupted, to hear her words come out of a man’s mouth. It was not to be.
She drew a deep breath. She was not a coward, and despite her self-doubts, she needed to prove it. “I’m so attracted to you,” she blurted. “Do you think we could...would you... Just once?”
“Just once?” His brow knit. “I don’t know about that. I got this crazy feeling that once might not be enough.”
Elation filled her, pushing her common sense far into the background. “Maybe a couple of times?”
“How about we play it by ear. But I can promise you, once will not be enough.”
Then he wrapped her in the tightest of hugs. “You’re an adorable, beautiful, brave bunch of contradictions,” he said, his voice growing husky. “I’ve never been so fascinated in my life.”
Then his mouth found hers in a kiss at first tentative, then deeper, more possessive and demanding. When his tongue traced her lips, a tingle ran through her that was almost like an electric shock, and her head fell back as she surrendered to the amazing moment.
She had missed this so much. But this was even better than she remembered. There had been a couple of boyfriends; dating cops she worked with had proved a problem, but there had been others. Others she had invited into her life who hadn’t been able to endure her hours or the perceived dangers of her job.
Short term had described her romantic life. She’d survived the breakups before. But somehow, deep within, she knew she didn’t want this to be short term. A niggle of fear almost pulled her back, but Stu circumvented it.
In an easy movement, he swept her up in his arms. Part of her wanted to resist his strength, his making her feel small and light by comparison, but another part reveled in it. She clung to his shoulders and simply gave in. It was a beautiful feeling to be so wanted.
When he slowly lowered her to her feet, she was already wrapped in the magic that was Stu. Like a sorcerer he had elevated her to the heights and he’d hardly really touched her or she him.
Her heart raced. She couldn’t find enough air. She heard his breath speed up as he pulled her polo over her head to reveal her breasts cased in their plain white bra. For the first time ever she wished for lingerie, but he didn’t appear to miss it.
Cradling her shoulders with one arm, he smiled faintly and found her breast with his hand, squeezing. The squeeze caused her entire body to clench in response.
“Let me know if you don’t like something,” he murmured.
She believed she was going to like every bit of this. But it was also a first time, and an unusual shyness tried to overtake her. To conceal it, while he massaged her breast to engorged excitement, she reached for the buttons of his shirt and worked them. She wanted to see the chest she’d only been able to admire through clothing. To touch it, to learn the textures of his skin. She wanted to discover his strength and vitality with all boundaries erased.
As she pushed his shirt aside, she discovered his chest was all she had imagined. Well-muscled, but not overly so, smooth, inviting. Her palms couldn’t resist reaching out to touch him, a sensation so powerful to her that she never noticed when he released her bra and her breasts spilled free. She was absorbed in him, hardly aware of the places he was transporting her to, feeling only that she touched perfection.
But her own sensations began to poke through her preoccupation. Her nipples, now almost painfully sensitive, felt the brush of his thumbs, then the lightest of pinches that struck her to her very center with a huge jolt of pleasure. A brief cry of delight escaped her.
Revelations continued to come as he managed to bend and shove down her jeans. The brief break in contact pushed her to make a protesting sound, but he dropped kisses on her breasts, tonguing her nipples until she believed she had reached perfection in a new way.
Desire pounded inside her, filling every inch of her with ravening need.
Then he stepped back again, letting her see through heavily lidded eyes as he stripped away his own jeans, revealing all his glory. Revealing that he was ready for her in every way. She wanted to grasp him, but again he evaded her touch, kicking off his work boots.
Then he lifted her again, placing her on the bed, causing her to squeal. A husky laugh escaped him, but his purpose was soon clear as he pulled away her boots, her jeans, her undies.
There was an instant when fear almost yanked her back. “What if I seize?”
“Then I’ll wait for you.” He pulled the last of her clothing away.
She lay naked beneath his devouring gaze as the throb of desire grew and grew until she felt she could barely contain it.
Then, with a half smile, he muttered, “Beautiful,” and lowered himself to the bed beside her.
Together they began a journey of exploration. Hands traveled everywhere, learning each curve and contour as need began its inevitable crescendo. Before long she was almost panting with excitement.
At some point Stu slipped inside her, stretching her and filling her in an achingly good way. A sense of rightness permeated her as the real climb began.
He moved slowly, her head cradled between his hands as he dipped to kiss her lips, her throat, her neck, making her feel safe even as the climb up the mountain grew steeper and seemed to draw her completely out of herself.
She was lost in a haze of stars as she reached the peak, surrounded by velvet inkiness that embraced her even as it showered her with prismatic pinpricks of light behind her eyes.
Then she tumbled into freefall, an endless fall that nevertheless ended too soon, filling her with aching, joyous completion. A moment later she felt him jerk and knew he had fallen with her.
Into spiraling galaxies of light and heat that she wanted never to end.
* * *
It was hard to do, but Stu lifted himself off her, rolling to her side. They were both damp so he found a blanket from the foot of the bed and drew it up over them. Then he wrapped her in his arms and held her as close as he could as he let reality reluctantly creep back.
Reality? This had been reality in the best sense, he thought as he held her. He wished they could remain like this, in peace and beauty forever.
Because it had been beautiful. He’d reached a pinnacle with her he was sure he’d never reached before. Something about this woman...
Sighing, he closed his eyes and enjoyed the way she snuggled into him. He had almost no doubt that things between them would get rocky soon. He sensed all the hesitation in her because of her disability, because of repeated blows to her self-confidence.
It would all come up again, he was sure. Especially since she’d virtually asked him for a one-night stand. That had never
been his thing, which was probably why he had so many ex-girlfriends in his past. He went for the long term, and they weren’t interested anymore when he flew away on duty. Or, as in the most intense of his relationships, when they discovered he had issues to deal with after the war.
Even so, he felt bad for Kerri. Had she felt that she was only entitled to one night? She devalued herself, and he wondered in what other ways she diminished herself that she hadn’t yet revealed to him.
“You know,” he murmured into the darkness, “you talk about your epilepsy as if it disqualifies you from so much. I get it.”
“Get what?” she asked hazily.
“I still have to deal with my past, with repeated tours in a war zone. I’ve been dumped because I don’t always deal well. You need to be aware of that.”
If it were possible, she snuggled closer, then wrapped her arm over his chest. “Everyone has problems,” she answered quietly.
“Perhaps that’s my point. We all have problems. How will you react if I get into a rage one day? Or withdraw completely into memories of terrible things? I think it’s better now, but I’m still doing it.”
“I’m so sorry, Stu. I truly am.”
“I don’t need pity, Kerri.”
“It’s not pity. I could never pity you.”
He lifted his head, wishing there was more light in the room than just the pale stream coming down the hallway. “Did you hear yourself? Why in the world would you think I pity you if you can’t pity me?”
“It’s not pity I’m worried about.”
She sat up, and instead of the revelatory sharing he’d been hoping for, he knew that the clash was coming. Well, better clear the air before they carried this relationship to a point that might cause more pain. He hoped their friendship was secure at least.
She pulled a thick robe off a hook on the back of the door. “Oddly,” she said, “I’m hungry again.”
It was as good an excuse as any for her flight. Maybe now she’d just come out and tell him. She’d mentioned being a burden, but he wasn’t sure that was all of it.