On the board.
“Oh, looks like I’ll have to fix this,” he said.
“Fix what?” Mrs. Ryan asked.
“The fence. There’s a loose board.”
I started to feel choked up and coughed into my elbow to hide it. Teddy stared at me. I think he knew. I think he could tell that hearing that — hearing that the fence was getting fixed — upset me. It was stupid. The boys and I hadn’t even been here together all summer. Not since the last day of school.
But knowing that we couldn’t anymore … Just like finding out that the wedding was the day of the circus, it felt like more than it actually was. It felt like I was losing more than this trampoline. It felt a lot bigger. A lot more painful.
“I need to go home,” I told Teddy.
“You just got here, though,” he said.
“I know. I’m sorry. I ain’t feeling well.”
“Okay,” he said, even though I could tell he was kinda sad. “Do you want me to walk you home?”
I shook my head. “I’ll be all right. Thanks for having me over.”
When I got home, I stood in my driveway and just stared at the Swifts’ half of the duplex. The blinds were shut, so I couldn’t see inside, but I knew all the boys were there, so I just pretended I was inside with them. I imagined that everything was the same as it had been at the start of the summer. Brian was going to parties with girls and blushing when we asked about kissing. Kevin jabbering about everything. And Canaan gave me a gap-toothed smile.
I pretended I wasn’t going nowhere and that things could stay like that forever.
But it couldn’t. I could only pretend for so long.
The fact was, things had changed. And they were just gonna keep changing, whether I wanted them to or not.
Richard’s truck pulled into the driveway a second later. “Hey, kiddo,” he said, climbing out of the front seat. “I just went to the grocery store. What do you say you and me surprise your mama with dinner tonight?”
I tore my eyes away from the Swifts’ windows and looked at Richard. For the first time, I wasn’t happy to see him. My chest felt heavy. Like there was a brick inside instead of a heart.
“Did you hear me, kiddo?” Richard asked.
“Yeah,” I mumbled. “Dinner. Sure, I’ll help.”
The wedding was coming up on us fast, and I was keeping busy helping Mama and Richard get everything ready. We’d also started moving a few things into our new house. Mama wanted the house ready so we could start living there right after the wedding.
“Are y’all going on a honeymoon?” I asked her.
She laughed. “The new house is our honeymoon,” she said. “I’d take moving out of this duplex over a week in Hawaii any day.”
I didn’t say nothing, but I thought she was crazy. Whenever I got married, I was going to Hawaii for sure. Or maybe California. Somewhere with a lot of sun and a beach. I’d never seen the ocean before.
Canaan came over while I was packing one afternoon. His lip was still swollen and his eye was a little bruised, but he looked better for the most part. “Hey,” he said, sitting down on my bed.
“Hey.”
It felt weird having Canaan in my room again after all this time. I always thought that once he stopped being a jerk, things would just go back to normal. That I’d be happy. But I wasn’t, exactly. I didn’t know what I felt.
“Packing?” he asked.
I nodded.
“Wow. I can’t believe you’re really moving. You won’t be next door anymore. Is the house real big? Do you like it?”
“It’s nice,” I said. Canaan was here, like I’d wished for all summer, and I didn’t want him to leave. But at the same time, I didn’t want him to stay. It hurt both ways.
“It’s real pretty outside,” he said. “The Ryans ain’t home. Wanna go jump on the trampoline?”
“We can’t,” I said. “They got the fence fixed.” I thought he might get mad about this. Blame me for it. And even though he didn’t, that I’d even have to worry about that now made me mad. “Oh. That sucks. What about Rocky’s? It’s kinda hot. Wanna go get milkshakes?”
“I can’t. I need to stay here and pack.”
“Maybe when you’re done?”
“No,” I murmured. I wanted to say yes, I really did, but I couldn’t. There was something bubbling in my chest, something that had been there for the whole summer, simmering, and the way Canaan was looking at me right now, like nothing had happened at all, was about to make it explode.
“Why?” he asked. “Are you busy later, too?”
“No!” I said, the volcano in my chest finally erupting. “No, Canaan, I’m not busy, but I can’t go to Rocky’s with you. Or to the playground. Or none of that. You’ve been awful to me all summer! You’ve made fun of me and said real mean things to me and maybe you helped me yesterday with Andy and Peter, but you let them kick me a few times first.”
“Nola —”
“No,” I said again. My hands were shaking and I felt sick. I didn’t yell at people. Especially not my best-best friend. But I couldn’t hold it in no more. And I couldn’t let him pretend nothing had happened after the way he’d treated me for months. “I was there for you — I was a good friend to you when you needed me. Even though you kept pushing me away. But I needed you this summer, too, and you weren’t there and you were a jerk. You picked Andy and Peter over me. You spray-painted Mrs. Santos’s mailbox and hurt Felicia’s puppy. And probably worse. You were a different Canaan, and I didn’t like him at all.”
He got real quiet. I took a deep breath and tried to calm down. My heart was beating real fast. All I could do was stare at him. At this boy who had been my best friend. Until he wasn’t. Like his pain was so big he hadn’t seen me, here, wanting to help.
“I’m sorry,” he finally said. “Nola, I mean it. I am. Can’t we just go back to the way things were?” He was staring down at his sneakers, not looking at me.
“No.” I shook my head. “I don’t think we can. At least, not right away.” I swallowed the lump rising in my throat. All summer I’d wanted this — the old Canaan, the way things used to be — but now that it was in front of me, I didn’t want it no more. Not like this. “I … I have a lot to do. I think you oughta go.”
“Nola.” His voice was sad, pitiful even. He looked up. Looked at me. But I still didn’t know what to say to him. I almost didn’t recognize him. Even if he was acting like the old Canaan now, I couldn’t forget the mean, harsh boy he’d been all summer. I couldn’t see him the same way no more.
“I’ll see you at the wedding.”
He stood up and walked to my bedroom door. He looked one last time, and I thought maybe he was about to cry, too. “I’m real sorry,” he said again. Then he left and I sat on my floor, face in my hands, and bawled like a baby.
* * *
Later that night, I was sitting up in bed, drawing a picture of Mama in her wedding dress. I’d been drawing all evening, ever since Canaan left. It was the only thing that could make me feel better. I had to focus on my hands and the lines my pencil was making too much to think about him.
Mama tapped on my door and stuck her head in. “Hey,” she said. “The tea I made earlier is cold now. You want me to get you a glass?”
“Sure.”
She left for the kitchen and returned a minute later, a mason jar in each hand. She gave one to me and I took a big, long drink. I loved Mama’s tea. She made it sweeter than most people, and that was saying something where we were from. Richard always said it was more sugar than tea. I liked it that way, though.
“So,” she said, sitting down on the edge of the bed and looking around my room. “Looks like you got a lot of packing done today.”
I nodded.
“How you feeling?” she asked. “About moving, I mean. I know you weren’t too thrilled about it earlier this summer.”
“I … I don’t know,” I said. “I’m not as sad about it now.”
“Because
of how things are going with Canaan?”
I looked up at her, surprised.
“I heard y’all in here earlier,” she admitted. “And I knew this had been a rough summer for both of you. I didn’t want to bring it up too much — I figured if you wanted to talk about it you would, but …”
“You’ve been so busy with the wedding,” I said. “I didn’t want to burden you.”
“Oh, Nola Baby, you never burden me. I just thought you needed space to figure it out for yourself.” She reached out and touched my cheek. “You are the most important part of my life. You always come first. Do you wanna talk about it now? I’m all yours.”
I closed my sketchpad and set it aside. “Mama, I’ve spent all summer wanting Canaan back. We’ve been fighting for months. But today, when he was here … I was so mad. And I just … I’m scared I’m gonna be like Grandma Lucy. That losing Canaan is gonna leave me an angry, mean person.”
“Sweetheart,” Mama murmured.
“How did you do it?” I asked. “How did you deal with losing Daddy? You didn’t turn mean and angry.”
“Well, I did at first,” she said. “I was real angry for a while. Sometimes I still am. But I realized that, even though I lost your daddy, I had other good things. Like you. You kept me strong.”
“But Grandma Lucy —”
“Grandma Lucy has had a harder time dealing with her pain,” Mama said. “Some people do. But you’re not Grandma Lucy, Nola. And you haven’t really lost Canaan. He was here today, wasn’t he?”
“Yeah, but … he’s different. I don’t know if I can ever be friends with him like I used to be.”
“I understand,” Mama said. “I always thought you two would work it out. But you’re only twelve. There will be other best friends. That doesn’t mean you can’t miss Canaan, but I don’t think you have to worry about being angry forever, either. And like I said, you haven’t lost him. He might not be your best friend now, but he’s still here.”
I looked down at my hands, folded in my lap. “I wish this summer never happened.”
“You mean that?” Mama asked. “Seems like some good things happened. Teddy seems like a good friend. If this summer never happened, y’all might not have gotten close.”
I smiled a little, thinking of Teddy. She was right. A lot of bad had happened this summer, but there was good, too.
“Well, I think it’s time for bed. At least for me.” She kissed me on the forehead and stood up. “Don’t be up to late, okay?”
“I won’t. Good night, Mama.”
“Good night, Nola Baby.” She looked back over her shoulder before walking out of my room. “And, hey, remember, you’re allowed to be angry at him. It doesn’t mean you’ll be mad forever. I promise. It’ll get better.”
“Thanks, Mama.”
She nodded and slipped out the door, closing it quietly behind her.
* * *
I left a note on Teddy Ryan’s front porch the next day. Meet me at noon in the woods behind my house, it said. Bring an old sheet.
When I first got there and he hadn’t shown up yet, I was worried. Maybe he didn’t get the note. Or maybe he was busy. I really should’ve called, but leaving a note felt more mysterious. I’d never really been mysterious before, and all of a sudden, I wanted to. It was exciting.
Teddy showed up just a couple minutes after twelve, a baby-blue sheet folded up under his arm. “Sorry I’m late,” he said. “I had to find a sheet my parents would let me out of the house with.”
“That’s okay,” I said. “I would’ve brought one, but almost all our stuff is packed up now.”
He pointed at the grocery bag I was carrying. “What’s in there?”
“You’ll see. Come on. Follow me.”
I led him through the woods, weaving between trees and hopping over fallen branches. Teddy was always a few steps behind me, stumbling a little. When I looked back, his khakis were covered with grass and dirt. I felt a little guilty.
“We’re almost there,” I told him just as the trees started to give way. A second later, we were standing in a little clearing, if you could even call it that. It wasn’t a big space, but it was pretty. A stretch of tall green grass surrounded by trees. I’d been here a million times over the years, making up imaginary worlds with Canaan and Brian and Kevin. But it was the first time I’d been here all summer.
“Wow,” Teddy said behind me.
“Pretty, huh?”
He nodded. “I ain’t been out here before.”
“Really?”
“No. I’ve always stayed in my backyard mostly. I’ve always been scared of getting lost.”
“The woods ain’t that big,” I told him. “It’s hard to get lost.”
He looked down at his feet, like he was embarrassed. So I changed the subject right quick.
“As many times as I’ve been out here, I ain’t never had a picnic,” I explained. “Always wanted to, but Kevin’s always been real scared of bugs getting in his food and … well, we just never did it. But now that I’m moving, I thought this was my last chance, and I thought it’d be fun to have a picnic with you.”
He looked back up, and now he was grinning. Really, really grinning. “All right,” he said. “A picnic sounds nice.”
I stepped aside and let him spread out the blanket. I’d actually gotten the idea to do this last night, after Mama reminded me why not all this summer was bad. Teddy was one of the best parts of the summer, and I wanted to spend a little more time with him before I moved.
“I’m sorry I left in such a hurry the other day,” I told him, sitting down on the sheet. “When we were on the trampoline. That was rude of me.”
“No big deal,” Teddy said. “I’m sorry my parents fixed the fence.”
“It was bound to happen sooner or later.” I opened up the grocery bag and started pulling out the food I’d brought. “I made you a sandwich. It’s mostly just vegetables, so I hope you aren’t allergic to anything on it.”
“Thanks,” he said, taking the sandwich bag I’d handed him.
We started eating, not saying a whole lot. I was feeling a little nervous, but I wasn’t really sure why. It only got worse, too, when Teddy pointed to the grocery bag. “What else is in there?”
“Oh, um … well, I brought you something.” I took out my sketchpad and flipped to a drawing near the middle. It was a drawing of Teddy, one I’d been working on since the day at the mall. Right before I showed him, all sorts of worries ran through my head. What if he hated it? What if he thought it was weird that I’d drawn him? What if he made fun of me?
But Teddy took the sketchpad from my hand and looked down and smiled, and that made me smile back.
“Is this me?” he asked.
“Yep.”
He laughed. “And I’m eating cake in the picture.”
“A big piece,” I told him. “I figured if you can’t eat cake in real life, might as well get to in a drawing.”
He looked up at me, still grinning. “It’s real good, Nola. You’re really a good drawer.”
My face heated up and I had to look away. I always felt embarrassed when people complimented me, but somehow, coming from Teddy, it was different. I felt even more shy, but it felt good, too. It was hard to explain.
“Can I keep the picture?” he asked.
“Sure. If you want.”
He pulled the page out of the sketchpad very, very carefully, like he was scared of ripping the edges. “I’ll put it up in my room,” he said. “Like Felicia did with the picture of JW.”
“You don’t gotta.”
“I want to.”
I started blushing again.
The rest of the picnic was real nice. We finished our sandwiches and just sat there for a while, talking and laughing until clouds started to stretch across the sky, hiding the sun from our view. We packed up, worried it might rain, and trudged back through the woods to my backyard.
“Thanks for the sandwich,” Teddy said. “And the drawin
g. And for the picnic. It was fun.”
“Yeah, it was…. I’m gonna be busy helping Mama with stuff for the next few days, but I’ll see you at the wedding, right?”
“Yep. Me and my parents will be there.”
“Good. See you around, Teddy.”
I walked inside the house, feeling happier than I had all summer.
I didn’t see Canaan or the other boys again until the wedding, when I was walking down the aisle of the church, ahead of Mama, wearing my new dress. I’d been staring at myself in the mirror almost all morning. I didn’t mean to be vain, but I’d had my hair done that morning — pulled back in a sleek bun with curls down, framing my face — and I even had a little makeup on. Between that and the coral dress, I felt pretty. Prettier than I’d ever felt or looked before. And older. So walking down the middle of the church, with everyone watching, I felt a little like a celebrity. Even if Mama was the real star.
I spotted all three of the Swift brothers and their mama sitting in one of the pews. The boys were in khakis and button-down shirts, and Mrs. Swift was wearing a real pretty floral dress. It was the first time I’d seen her all summer, and all I could think was how tired she looked, even when she smiled at me.
When Mama came down the aisle in that dress she’d hunted so hard for, she looked beautiful. She looked more like she was floating than walking, like an angel, and she had on the biggest smile I’d ever seen. All those weeks of panicking and stress disappeared like that.
Richard seemed happy, too. He stared at Mama like she was the prettiest thing he’d ever seen — and she probably was. When she reached him and they were standing next to each other, it was like none of the rest of us were there. Like they could only see each other.
The preacher led them through their vows, and Mama and Richard repeated, sometimes stumbling and laughing like little kids. I laughed, too.
But then, when they said “I do,” something hit me, and I couldn’t help feeling a little nervous.
“What’s the matter, kiddo?” Richard asked me during the reception. The DJ had just announced the father-daughter dance and he’d come over to find me sitting at an empty table. “You seem down.”
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