“I’m all right.”
“Come on now,” he said, leading me onto the dance floor as a Tim McGraw song started up through the speakers. “I can tell something’s bothering you.”
It was hard to dance with Richard, him being so tall and all. He had to slump forward and I had to reach my arms up high. Across the room, I could see Mama standing alone. She was still smiling, still happy, but she didn’t have a father to dance with. We’d always been left out at other people’s weddings. Always the ones standing by ourselves. But for the first time, I had someone to dance with during the father-daughter dance. I should’ve been happy, but really, I was scared.
“Promise you’ll say good-bye,” I said to Richard. “If you and Mama ever split up, promise you’ll at least say good-bye, okay?”
“Hey, where is this coming from?” he asked. “Wait … I’m sure I know. Nola.” He stopped dancing and knelt down in front of me, the way you might with a kid half my age. It was the only way for him to look me in the eye. “Listen to me. I don’t ever plan on leaving. I love you and your mama so, so much. But, if for some reason this doesn’t work out, you have nothing to worry about.”
“What do you mean?”
He put a hand on my shoulder. “I mean that I’ll always be your stepdad, even if I’m not with your mama anymore. I’ll always be a part of your life if you want me to be. Understood?”
I nodded.
Richard pulled me in for a tight hug. “Don’t worry,” he said before he’d even let me go. “I’m not going anywhere.”
We finished the dance, then Mama was calling us over for pictures. We posed in front of the photographer a bunch of times. I got my picture taken with everybody in our family, but I think my favorite was the picture Mama asked for — one of her, me, and Grandma Lucy together.
I looked up at Grandma Lucy, and for once, she smiled at me. I think we were both thinking the same thing: This would’ve been a great picture for the collage we’d made together.
But the smile started to slip when I remembered about Grandpa’s drill. Grandma Lucy had never brought it up, which meant she hadn’t noticed yet. But I felt bad. Like I was lying. I knew I might be in trouble when she found out, and it scared me. I’d always had Canaan to do this stuff for me, to protect me, but now I had to start standing up for myself, taking responsibility.
“Grandma Lucy,” I said once we’d stepped away and the photographer started taking pictures of Richard’s family. “I gotta tell you something.”
“What’s that?” she asked.
“I … I, um …” I swallowed. I had to tell her, even if it meant she’d yell. I might’ve looked older in the mirror earlier, but I had to act older, too. “When I was cleaning the garage, I started listening to music and dancing around — and I know I shouldn’t have been goofing off and I didn’t mean no harm by it, but … I fell and hit the workbench and some of Grandpa’s tools … well, a couple fell, and the drill …”
Grandma Lucy was staring at me. Staring hard in a way that made my stomach jump all over the place.
“The drill broke,” I said finally. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to. I know you’re probably mad —”
“I ain’t mad.”
At first I wasn’t sure I’d heard her right. “You’re not?”
She sighed and shook her head. “Not at you. I’m upset the drill is broken, but I’ve been thinking a lot since we did that collage for your mama. I ain’t touched those tools in years. But they can’t bring him back. I’m sad, but I’m not mad at you.”
I was in shock. I’d expected yelling. Lots of yelling. But she wasn’t even mad at me. The look on her face, though, those sad eyes wet with tears, might’ve been worse. I wondered if that’s how I’d looked all summer.
“I’m sorry,” I said again. “I know I should’ve told you sooner, but I was so worried you’d get mad.”
“Yes, you should’ve told me, but … it’s just a drill, Fionnula. A very old drill.”
That wasn’t what I was sorry about this time, though. I stepped forward and gave Grandma Lucy a hug. She patted my back twice, then cleared her throat. “All right, then. That’s enough. We oughta go back to the reception.”
“Okay,” I said, taking a step back.
“Thank you, though,” she said. “For telling me the truth. That was very … very brave of you. I know I ain’t the easiest person to … Well, anyway. Thank you.”
I was headed back to the reception when I bumped into Mr. Briggs in the hallway. “Nola,” he said. “Just who I was hoping to see. Mrs. Hooper is about to drive me home, but I had to give you something first.”
“Give me something?” I asked.
He nodded. “I left it in the pile of wedding presents since I couldn’t find you. You’ll know which one is yours. I didn’t wrap it.”
“Mr. Briggs, that’s real nice of you, but it’s Mama and Richard’s wedding day. They’re the ones you oughta be giving presents to,” I said.
He chuckled. “It’s nothing special,” he said. “Just something I thought you might like.”
“Well, thank you,” I said. “You really didn’t have to —”
He waved a withered, old hand. “Don’t you worry about it. Enjoy the rest of your day.”
“You too, Mr. Briggs.”
I headed back into the reception hall, where everybody was eating and dancing. I was about to go looking for Mr. Briggs’s present when I heard someone clear their throat behind me. I turned around and saw Teddy Ryan standing there, dressed in a suit.
“Hey,” I said, feeling a smile spread across my face “You look nice.”
“Thank you,” he said. “You look real pretty.”
I blushed. “So what’s up?” I asked.
“Nothing,” he said. “I just — uh — here.” He shoved something into my hand — a tiny piece of paper — then he stepped back real quick. “Read it, and think about it.”
“Um, okay.”
“Okay.”
And just like that, he turned around and hurried back to the table where his parents were sitting. I sat down in a chair and carefully unfolded Teddy’s note.
Dear Nola,
I’m real glad we got to be friends this summer. It’s been a lot of fun. Do you want to be my girlfriend? Or at least sit with me at lunch when school starts since I’ll be in the middle school with you now? Hope so. Talk to you soon.
Teddy
I had to read it a couple times to realize what it said. Teddy Ryan liked me? Like, he wanted to be my boyfriend? I was surprised, but I guess I shouldn’t have been. He had almost held my hand while we watched the fireworks, after all.
I didn’t know how I felt about it, though. I definitely liked Teddy more now than I had at the beginning of the summer — he really was sweet and we got along real well. He was my friend. My good friend, actually. I’d just never thought of him being anything more than that. I’d never thought of anyone being more than that. Except Canaan, maybe.
Now, with the way everything had changed, the whole idea of marrying Canaan one day seemed kinda stupid and babyish.
But Teddy … I just didn’t know.
I decided I’d definitely sit with him at lunch on the first day of school, and by then I’d have an answer for him about the boyfriend thing. I hope he didn’t mind waiting that long.
I’d just tucked the note into my tiny silver purse when Canaan came walking toward me from across the room. He looked real nice in his dress pants and button-down shirt. His hair was fixed, and his lip had healed. He looked better than I’d seen him all summer, actually.
“Hey,” he said, sounding nervous. “That, um, that was a nice wedding.”
“Yeah. It was.”
He shifted, shoving his hands in his pockets. “You look pretty. I like your hair like that.”
I touched the bun Mama had done that morning. There were about a million bobby pins shoved in it, holding my curls in place, and it was stiff with hairspray. But it did look pr
etty. And I couldn’t help feeling glad Canaan had noticed, even if I was still kinda uneasy around him. “Thank you,” I said.
“You’re welcome…. You, uh, you wanna dance?” he asked.
“Um … sure. All right.”
We were both nervous. I put my hands on his shoulders and his were on my waist, but neither of us could quite manage to look each other in the eye. He kept stepping on my toes and I kept tripping on his feet.
“Sorry,” we both mumbled at least ten times before he finally started talking.
“So … is Teddy Ryan your boyfriend now?” he asked.
I blushed. “Maybe. I don’t know. Why? Are you going to make fun of me again for being friends with him?”
“No,” he said quickly. “I’m not. I’m sorry I did before. I was just … It was weird seeing you hang out with him. Like he was your best friend now and I wasn’t no more.”
“Well, you weren’t really around and you stopped talking to me,” I reminded him. “I wasn’t sure we were best friends.”
“I know. I’m sorry.” He chewed on the inside of his cheek for a second. “I’ve been mad a lot. Ever since he left. I’ve been mad at everybody. I’m still mad, but when Andy and Peter knocked you down, that made me mad in a different way. Made me realize what a jerk I’d been, acting like them. I’m sorry.”
“I know you are,” I said. Because I knew he was, but that didn’t mean it was all okay now. Truth was, I didn’t know if I’d be able to see Canaan the same way again. I wasn’t angry at him anymore — I’d kinda got that out of my system when I yelled at him in my bedroom the other day — but we’d never be the kind of friends we used to be. “But I ain’t sure that’s enough. Everything’s changed now, you know?”
He nodded, but he looked heartbroken. “I know. I shouldn’t have done what I did. Even if I was mad, you were my best friend. I shouldn’t have been mad at you. And, like you said, I should’ve been there when you needed me this summer, too.”
I didn’t know what else to say, so I just nodded and kept dancing. Even though my heart hurt.
“My dad messed everything up,” he said.
“Yeah,” I agreed. “He did.”
I didn’t care what Brian said. Canaan needed to know the truth about why Mr. Swift had left. He deserved to know where his daddy was. It wasn’t fair for him to be left in the dark, always wondering. I had to tell him what I’d found out.
“About your daddy,” I said.
Canaan looked down at his feet. “It’s stupid,” he said. “I know he’s not coming back. I know he’s gone, but sometimes I make up reasons for why in my head. You know, like … like I pretend he was really a secret agent and he had to leave to go spy on some other country. Stuff like that.”
It did sound stupid. And silly.
Kinda like my dreams of growing up to marry Canaan and live next door to Brian and Kevin. Stupid and silly, but safe. Happy. Better than the truth.
Maybe Brian was right. Maybe it was better to let Canaan make up stories in his head for now. Maybe the truth would be more of a burden than a relief. I remembered what Mr. Briggs had told me on his front porch — that no one wants to grow up. Canaan would find out about Mr. Swift and Sarah Clarke eventually, but for now, maybe I oughta just let him have his childish hopes.
“It’s possible,” I lied.
Canaan smiled, showing off the gap between his teeth. Then he stepped on my toe so hard that I yelped.
“Sorry,” he said. “I guess I’m not a great dancer.”
“You guessed right,” I said. “No wonder you never go to the dances at school. You’d break every girl’s toes off.”
He laughed. It was the first time I’d heard him laugh all summer, and it couldn’t have sounded better.
Canaan’s laugh was the only thing I could hear, hot and loud and rippling right in my ear. We were sitting on the back of a ginormous elephant, and Canaan was behind me, his head right over my shoulder, his mouth right by my ear. I was laughing, too. We were on an elephant! An elephant!
“Was that fun?” Mama asked as she helped me and Canaan down and the next kids in line stepped up to the big gray animal.
“Can we go again?” Canaan asked. “Please?”
“Maybe,” Mrs. Swift said. “But we have other things to get to first. Kevin wants to see the lions.”
“Rawr!” Kevin hollered. He was sitting on his mama’s hip, though he was just a tiny bit too big to do that now. “Rawr! Lions! Rawr!”
“Where’s Brian?” I asked.
“His dad took him to buy a glow stick,” Mama said. “I told him to get one for all of you.”
“Yes!” Canaan and me both shouted. Everybody in the arena had a glow stick or a glow necklace, and we’d both been wanting them since we got to the circus. Mrs. Swift and Mama laughed.
“Come on,” Mama said. “Time to go see the lions. You know you can have your picture taken with the baby ones, right?”
So a second later me and Canaan were sitting together, a baby lion between us. The lion cub licked my fingers, and his tongue was rough like a regular cat’s was. It tickled.
We did everything there was to do that day — except go watch the clowns. I didn’t like clowns much. By the time we were on our way home, we were all real tired.
“This was the best day ever,” Canaan said.
“Yeah,” I agreed.
“We have to come again when the circus comes back to Besser County.”
“Definitely. Kevin was too little to do everything this time. We have to bring him.”
“Of course,” Canaan said. “But I think we should come every time it comes back. Even when we get bigger and stuff.”
“Like, even when we’re sixty?” I asked.
“Even when we’re seventy,” he said. “Or a hundred. We won’t never be too old for this. And we’ll always come together. No matter what.”
I nodded and leaned my head on his shoulder. We were in the backseat of Mama’s car — the other boys had ridden back with the Swifts — and I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open. I think Canaan was, too, because his voice started fading in and out, like he was dozing off.
“Best … day ever,” he said again. “And it’ll be just as fun next time. Maybe … maybe better.”
We packed up the last of our things the next morning. Mama and Richard had everything loaded into the back of his truck and the trunk of her car by noon, then Richard went on to the new house while Mama met with Mr. Harker, our landlord, so he could make sure there was no damage or anything inside our half of the duplex.
I stood outside with the Swifts. Mrs. Swift kept telling me over and over how much they’d miss Mama and me. She didn’t seem much like her old self. She was quieter. And she seemed a little blue. But other than that, she looked all right. All the boys did, too. I guess Brian’s talk with them about getting things back together had worked.
Maybe they weren’t okay just yet, but they would be.
“I can’t believe you’re leaving,” Canaan said. “You’ve always been here. It’ll be weird not having you next door.”
“I know.”
“Y’all will still see each other at school,” Mrs. Swift reminded us. “It starts next week. You’ll probably be in the same homeroom and everything.”
We nodded, but I think we both knew it wasn’t the same. Who knew how often we’d see each other at school? Even if we were in the same classes, it wouldn’t be like before. Especially since I’d decided to start eating lunch with Teddy.
Kevin reached out and squeezed my hand. I knew that was his way of saying that he wouldn’t see me in school. He was still in elementary school. And Brian was going into high school. I wouldn’t see either of them hardly at all after today. Just the thought made me choke up. Sure, Canaan had been my best-best friend, but the other boys had been my best friends, too.
“Good-bye, Mr. Harker,” Mama was saying as she stepped out of our front door for the last time. “Have a nice day.” She turn
ed to me. “Ready to go, Nola Baby?”
I nodded.
Mrs. Swift gave Mama a hug. “Congratulations, again,” she said. “And if you ever need anything, you know who to call.”
“Thanks, Debbie,” she said. “Same to you. Bye, boys. I’ll miss having y’all around for dinner — I don’t know what I’ll do with all the extra food.”
I went through and gave each of the boys a hug, starting with Brian. He squeezed me tight for a second, then let me go slowly. Canaan was next. Even though I knew he’d miss me the most, our hug was quick and awkward. Kinda like our dancing. Kinda like everything between us now.
Last was Kevin. He wrapped his short, chubby arms around my neck so hard that he nearly pulled me down. And then, just when I was about to pull away, he whispered, “I’ll miss you, Nola.”
Four words. The first words he’d said all summer.
I wanted to scream and holler and tell everyone. I wanted to celebrate. He was talking again! But I knew that he’d whispered for a reason. Those words were just for me. His good-bye present. When he was ready to share with everyone else, he would.
“I’ll miss you, too,” I whispered back.
“Come on,” Mama said, putting a hand on my shoulder. “Richard’s waiting on us.”
“Bye,” I said, waving over my shoulder as I followed her to the car. They waved back. They waved and kept waving right up until our car turned the corner out of the subdivision.
That was the same time I finally started to cry.
“Oh, baby,” Mama said, taking a hand off the gearshift and putting it on my knee. She didn’t say nothing else. She didn’t tell me it was going to be okay or that I’d see them again soon. She just let me cry for a few minutes.
I wasn’t just losing the boys, I realized. I was ending an entire part of my life. A part that had lasted as long as I could remember, where I was Nola, the Swift brothers’ best friend and next-door neighbor. Now a new part of my life was about to start, and I didn’t know what was ahead for me. It was exciting, but also kinda scary.
The Swift Boys & Me Page 15