Cjiena: Beginnings

by Patrice Caraway

  I winced, my arm stinging in pain as I hastily sprang to my feet, threw my water skins over my shoulder and began to make my way back towards the village. Hearing the children right behind me, I quickened my pace. Soon I heard a thud next to me and turned my head watching another rock sail past me.

  I dropped my encumbering water skins and began to sprint as fast as I could, but the rocks rained down upon me. A large rock smashed against where my right wing met the shoulder blade followed by a large crack as I yelped in pain. Another hit me on my leg, a large jagged gash seemed to gape at me as I glanced down at it. I felt blood drip, but I ignored it and continued to make my retreat. I began to hobble as the pain became too much, only allowing the children to catch up. I began to pray with all I had. ‘Please don’t kill me’.

  When I was finally close enough to the village, I ran with all my might toward the Ulgog’s, the only place I knew I would possibly be safe, however a few steps from his door, I felt something large catch me in the back of the head. The light faded into darkness, as I slipped into unconsciousness. The only sound I could hear was of footsteps running towards me.

  DREAMS

  ~Surrounded in darkness, I reached forward with my hands grasping for something, anything which would help me determine where I was. Two eyes appeared, piercing through the shadows as a light began to slowly rise above me. The moon had taken pity upon me, and allowed me to gaze upon her familiar face, the darkness fading into shadows in the mist.

  As I drew closer to the eyes, I noticed that they were like the ones I saw reflecting back at me when I gazed in the lake. Frightened for a moment, I thought my eyes had been taken from me. However, the fog shifted, and I realized it was merely an owl perched in a drying tree.

  The owl lazily looked down at me before calling out a single hoot. I watched in amazement as it lifted its majestic wingspan before taking flight. I watched as it began to fade before it once more called out to me.

  The urge to follow was great, and my legs, not of my own accord, stepped forward, as if being led on invisible strings which controlled my every move. Soon I moved upon my own free will, stopping so often to cock my ear and listen for the rustle of the owl’s wings. The bird repeatedly cried out, continuously urging me to follow the flutter of feathers, but soon those calls begin to fade. I hastened my step and blundered through the mists when finally, all was silent.

  Disappointed, I directed myself forward, trying desperately to hear the owl’s call one more time. I became more and more lost until finally I stumbled into a clearing. I fell in slow motion, my hands moving out to catch myself. When I looked up, a shadow grew in the mist, drawing closer until it towered over me, but in the darkness, all I could see were its blue eyes, piercing through me. They were so similar to that of the owl, and so much like my own staring back at me.

  I watched in terror as wings unfolded from behind the being. Even when casted in shadow, his wingspan was at 20 feet or more. I recognized the presence, but in the moment, I could not place from where.

  I never was able to discern any particular features, but soon the fog closed in on me and the shadow faded. I felt the air being sucked from me and I began to gasp. I clawed at my throat as the smothering feeling became heavier and heavier. The world seemed lost, as my last breath was taken. ~

  REJECTION

  I awoke in a cold sweat gasping for air as the blood in my head pounded. I groaned and tried to move, but it only caused vomit to rise to my throat. I felt a cool rag placed on my forehead, and a soft murmuring of two voices.

  “Drink this” my mother whispered next to my ear, as she tried to help lift me up. I was only slightly successful as she poured a few mouthfuls of broth against my lips, and then tenderly wiped away that which trickled down my cheeks. As my strength became stronger, the pounding in my head only grew. My mother tried to ever so gently to help me lay down once more, but not without accidentally brushing her hand against the wound on the back of my head. I cried out before darkness took me once again.

  Night had fallen when I woke once more. I could see the edge of the moon as she passed over the fire hole in the hut’s roof. The sound of rustling let me know I was not alone, and as I turned to look, I saw Ulgog sitting beside me. He was leaning against one of the poles in his lodge, his eyes closed, a deep frown on his face.

  At first, I assumed he was sleeping, but when he heard me move, he quickly opened his eyes. He smiled, but the joy did not reach his eyes and I could tell that sadness filled his heart as he looked over me with concern. He reached out to gently stroke my cheek with his fingertip, then turning he spoke softly to someone else behind him. I looked up and saw my mother leaning over the fire cutting up bits of some rooted vegetable into a large pot made from the stomach of a bear, which was strung over the fire. She had already dropped in bits and pieces of meat and added in some herbs she had gathered for flavoring.

  I closed my eyes once again trying to keep my head from spinning, listening as my mother used a forked twig to lift small rocks that had been heated in the fire into the Bear’s stomach. The rocks hissed as they were dropped inside, and the delicious aroma permeated the air as the water boiled. I knew that she would remove the rocks once the heat had been absorbed by the liquid, then drop new ones in their place. It was a meal that had always been my favorite, one my mother had always used to nurse me back to health. It is a comfort food that even now reminds me of her, and of home.

  As I sat enjoying the delightful smells that wafted my way, I tried to readjust my wings, as a stiffness had set in. I became increasingly alarmed when I tried to move my shoulder and my wing joint. Although my mind was signaling them to move, I could feel neither. I looked down and saw my arm had been placed neatly into a sling that had been drawn tightly to my chest.

  I opened my mouth to speak when Ulgog murmured “Both are broken, we did all we could to heal them. In the end I decided to bind them and put a poultice on to numb them. Pray be to the Mother that they will be fully functional in the future. Careful that you don’t move them too much.”

  Nodding slowly to avoid repeating the earlier incident with my head, I used my other arm to sit up. I could feel bandages wrapped all around my legs, and even my good hand had to be wrapped. I groaned as I saw my badly mangled leg. It had been stitched back together with the fibers of a deer’s muscles and a sharp needle. I thanked the Mother silently that I had been knocked out during the ordeal. It didn’t hurt as much now, but I had seen full grown warriors scream out in pain only to pass out when receiving the same treatment.

  Ulgog handed me a small spoonful of water, as I tried to move as slowly as I could. The stiffness caused by injury had set in while I was unconscious. My muscles screamed in pain, but I would be in more pain later if I didn’t move them now. Grunting I poured the little bit of water down my throat.

  “Cjiena, we must talk”.

  A feeling of dread trickled through me; a lump rose to my throat as I nodded. The way in which he said it, I knew this was going to be a conversation I had always known would one day come. Ulgog was surely going to tell me I was to be banished.

  Taking a few moments to gather his thoughts before continuing, he signed and began to sip from a bowl that my mother handed him. “Today was too close. It took all my strength and prayers to ensure you might awaken. The hatred of the tribe is beginning to grow stronger, and I am worried that next time we will not be so lucky. I think you need to stay out of the way for a while. Go into the woods and come home only after the stars shine high.”

  “Ulgog, I.....”

  I opened my mouth to speak, but he raised his hand to motion for my silence. “Furthermore, as my right as Ulgog, I have asked your uncle’s permission to allow your mother to marry me in the hopes that it will further protect you by my standing. She has accepted, and I think in truth your uncle is a little relieved to be rid of her.”

  My mother turned and smiled softly to me, but I could see the pain in her own eyes. I knew that marrying some
one so much older, even one who had a high status, was something she never imagined for herself, but then again, I doubted she had imagined having me.

  I closed my eyes and turned away. I wanted to shut him out, shut them both out. It seemed to me my mere existence had caused them so much pain and suffering. It hurt me that my mother, like every young woman, dreamed of a man who is strong, courageous, yet now she was reduced to marrying an old man for no other reason but to keep me safe.

  And Ulgog was risking his status by continuing to allow me to live with him. And it wasn’t just the status within our tribe itself that he was risking, but the tribes that surrounded us, and their Ulgogs, who had their own status. Ulgog held a position of power among even the other Ulgogs. Not only was he the wisest, but also the oldest, one who had lived long past the age of any other Ulgog. He had therefore been given the title of the Great Ulgog.

  Most people would succumb to death by the time they were 30. Disease, accidents, wars would take many. The older you were in our tribe, the more revered you were. Ulgog had been around 62 years when I was born, so even by normal standards he was ancient. It made me sad that he was risking losing something he had spent his whole life to obtain.

  It shamed me to think that I had caused them both so much agony. I wished that I would have never been born, that I could restore them to their previous life before I came into being.

  Running away was something I had considered many times, but deep down I was scared to leave my mother and Ulgog. I did not think I could survive without them, as they were the only ones who seemed to take notice of who I really was. Even with all that love we shared together; it didn’t change the fact that they were unhappy because of me. I was becoming more of a burden now than I had ever been before.

  Even though they had always told me that it was the tribe with whom they were disappointed, deep down I couldn’t help but think in reality they were disappointed with me. It was then and there that I promised I would repay them both for all the heartache by doing whatever I could to relieve them of that burden.

  With my face towards the wall, tears slipped down my cheeks and I softly cried into my shoulder. I knew mother and Ulgog must have heard my whimpering, but they respected me enough to let me be and so they ate quietly, both lost in their own thoughts. When they finished eating, my mother whispered a soft good night to Ulgog, with a promise she would be back in the morning with our things.

  Ulgog shuffled over to his bed and laid down, and I waited until his breathing was even before turning and looking up at the smoke drifting into the hole in the ceiling. I wished with all my might that I could disappear as easily. Finally, I fell asleep.

  BETRAYL

  It had been a few weeks since mother and I moved into Ulgog’s hut. Just as she promised, she had gathered all our belongings, and spent half the day moving from one hut to the other, than the rest of afternoon organizing all our possessions to make more space.

  There had been no wedding ceremony as was normal custom. My mother already had a child, and everyone knew it was a wedding of convenience. Most were unhappy and muttered amongst themselves that it was wrong for Ulgog to house an abomination.

  My wing and arm were still injured, and I could only walk on my leg for a minimal amount of time. I spent most my time hiding inside the hut and Ulgog would always go outside when someone needed to speak with him. When I would get antsy about being unable to leave, Ulgog would distract me with stories.

  One night my mother sat in a corner of the hut on a pallet of furs while she sewed by the fire light. Ulgog had just finished telling me a story, when I cleared my throat. “Ulgog, I need to tell you something, something about the day when I was injured.”

  Ulgog seemed uncomfortable for a moment, and he too cleared his throat before nodding to me.

  “When the other children were talking to each other about me, before they started throwing the stones and chasing me, there was a boy. He had this rock that he was throwing up and down in his hand. I was sitting there focused on him when I heard him. I heard him talking to himself inside his mind. He was deciding if he should kill me so that Molog would make him a warrior.”

  “Do you mean you just imagined what he was thinking?”

  “No,” I shook my head, “I heard him as if he was speaking out loud,” bowing my head I added, “and he must have realized I could because right after that, he threw the rock at me. He was the one who threw the first stone.”

  Ulgog stared at me wide eyed from a moment. I couldn’t read his expression. It was a mixture of horror and awe. “Can you, uhm...., can you,” he began nervously, “can you show me?”

  I swallowed and nodded. I stared straight at Ulgog, concentrating hard. At first, I tried to force it to happen, but it did not seem to work. Ulgog stirred uncomfortably. “Are you sure you didn’t just think it happened.”

  “No, I swear Ulgog. Please, just please give me another chance!”

  Again, Ulgog nodded. I began relaxing my whole body as I stared deep into his eyes. My hands became clammy and I wiped them on my skirt and began taking deep breaths in through my nose and blowing out through my mouth.

  After what seemed like an eternity, I finally felt a brush of something against my mind, similar to the young boy’s. I focused on the small glimmer of thought and grasped onto it. Instead of being filled with anger and hatred, Ulgog’s mind seemed relatively calm and peaceful.

  Ulgog was thinking of a particular chant I had never heard used before. Instantly, I somehow knew that it was one he used to invoke the Sacred Ones when his teacher had passed on, to draw his memories into his own.

  I began humming the song, and then finally was able to sing along with the words. Ulgog gasped as he realized what I was doing and lost his train of thought. His mind roared like a river in that moment, and I was swept away amongst his thoughts. Before I could even realize what, I was doing, Ulgog’s memories began to flash through my mind in a tidal wave.

  And for whatever reason, it stopped, and was focused on a single memory. Ulgog was a young man, before he became Ulgog, and was training under his teacher. Even though I never actually saw his face, vitality and youthfulness pumped through his veins.

  Before him stood a beautiful woman, who was smiling up at him. She looked familiar, but I couldn’t remember from where, but I could feel his heart flutter as he reached down to brush away a strand of stray hair from her eyes. “Will I see you again tomorrow?” Ulgog asked.

  “Of course,” she whispered.

  “GO AWAY!” a man who seemed to appear yelled at him as he ran towards Ulgog. “LEAVE HER ALONE!”

  Ulgog grasped the woman by the arm, and moved her behind him, as the man stood face to face with Ulgog, a snarl on his lips, “You are to be Ulgog, why do you have to take what is rightfully mine? She will marry me! She will be my wife” he said while reaching around and grabbing the woman by her arm.

  “Get your hands off her” Ulgog shouted while shoving the other man. “It is her choice, NOT YOURS!

  The man began to laugh, one that was filled with an undeniable amount of hate. “It IS my choice,” he hollered back, “I have already paid her father for her!”

  The girl was taken aback, and tried to pull away, but the man just grabbed her even harder with both hands and pulled her by her wrists.

  As I watched this all unfold, I realized that the young girl’s features matched some of my mother’s, and even of my own. Even the other man, I saw he had the same color of eyes, and the shape of her nose. It was then that I realized that this was my grandmother, and this man..., he was my grandfather.

  As I withdrew from Ulgog’s mind, I saw him clutching his head with one hand, while holding onto his chest. His breathing was labored. Tears streamed down his face as he rocked back and forth.

  I reached out to touch him on the shoulder, but he drew back in fear. Sobbing he said, “get out.” I stared at him, thinking I had misheard him, my mother stood up, she too in shock. “I said GET OUT!�
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  Frightened, I turn and began to run. My mother reached out to me, but I pushed past her. I heard her calling my name, but I didn’t care, I kept on running. Every step I took jostled my arm and wing, my leg vibrated with pain as my foot hit the ground. However, in that moment, I relished it. The physical pain overcame the emotional pain as I raced my way through the forest, and I prayed that I could outrun my broken heart.

  Ulgog finally realized the monster I really was, and I thought for sure that he would change his mind about allowing me to live inside his hut.

  I climbed up to the top of the mountain, to the tree that Ulgog had brought me to so many years before. Wrapping my arm around the trunk, I leaned into the tree and sobbed, until I finally ran out of tears. I turned my head, pressing my cheek up against the rough bark, and watched the sun disappear over the horizon, and the sky darkened.

  How could Ulgog deny me for something that I was? As a child I was able to use the “gift” to understand what words I did not understand some of the more adult conversations, but not that I could read someone’s thoughts.

  Then I turned my face up towards the stars, imagining myself living among them, looking until the moon rose high above, and listening to the sounds of night as they whispered through the trees. All my pain seemed to fade away, as I relished in the beauty, and when a wolf cried out into the night, I threw my head back, and joined in its cry.

  I continued to howl at the moon, laughing in delight, when I noticed the woods seemed to be unnaturally quiet, and the winds held their breaths. The hairs on the back of my neck began to rise, and I felt something drawing near, pushing against me like an unseen force.

  When I tried to reach out to whatever it was, I was met with an overwhelming sense of doom, and in the dark of night, I stumbled down the mountain. Whatever I had encountered was no longer as frightening as I left it behind, nor did it try to follow.