by Allison Rios
“I want to know she’s happy.”
“Then ask her that. Ask if she’s happy. Son, you’re making things too damn complicated.” He lifted the newspaper back up to end the conversation. “Back when I was your age we just talked to people without all the mushy gushy stuff.”
“What if she’s not happy?” James asked, pushing the paper down again.
“Ask yourself another question: what are you planning to do about it? You gonna do to Katie – you know, the woman you’re technically still married to – what Rae did to you?”
“That isn’t fair, Gramps. Katie and I are just about divorced.”
“Yeah, I’m well aware. No one values their promises anymore.”
“You’re a crabby old man, you know that? All I wanted was your wisdom.”
“And I’m giving it to ya. Don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the honest answer to or don’t plan to do anything about. You don’t want my wisdom. You want me to tell you that there’s hope where there isn’t any and give you my blessing to go out and make yourself miserable again, while simultaneously insulting your soon-to-be ex-wife. I liked Rae as much as anyone else, but that girl has gone on about her life and grown up while you’re still standing here acting like you’re seventeen again.”
Gramps never minced words. Most any question James could ask Rae would lead to thoughts he didn’t want to have.
“Was Grandma Nancy your first love?”
“You know she was.”
“Then you know what I’m feeling, Gramps. You would have done anything for her. You would believe the impossible just for one more minute with her. Katie is a wonderful woman, Gramps, and I will forever live with the guilt that I didn’t do right by her. But you can’t force your heart to feel something it doesn’t. And maybe this weekend is my only chance to win back the woman who has made my heart feel something for so damn long. Seeing Rae again today was … incredible. I don’t know how to explain it. I felt alive again. Do you remember the first time you saw Grandma?”
“Yep. I remember the first day I saw her,” Gramps replied softly. James knew he’d gotten the point across.
“Tell me about it.”’
“You already know about it, boy.”
“I want to hear it again. I love when you tell the story.”
The old man sat up a little straighter and smiled. He loved nothing more than talking about his beloved Nancy.
“She was in the sixth grade, and I was in the eighth.
She was trekking up the path to school after a rainstorm. She was new to town. The roads out here were just mud back then. The intricate and lovely dress her mama had made special for her first day at a new school was splattered with mud all along the bottom. She had tears in her eyes as she tried scrubbing it out with water from the wash bin. I offered to help her, and she reluctantly agreed. She said she had ruined the prettiest thing she’d ever had on her, and blushed when I told her the loveliest thing she ever had on her was her smile. We never spent a day apart after that, except when I was called to duty.”
“It makes me sad that you had a better game at fourteen than I have at thirty-three,” James said.
“I have a better game than you now,” Gramps laughed. “You don’t see me moping around, do you? I’ve got girlfriends galore.”
“Yeah, but you don’t plan on settling down with any of them, so your game is completely different than mine. I’ll never understand why you don’t want to get married again.”
“I’d expect of all the people in this world that you’d be the one person who could understand that, James.”
Gramps looked at him and set down the newspaper on the overly polished counter.
“It’s the same reason I reckon you’re going to end up alone and jaded like me when Rae scoots her little tush back up to Chicago. No one could ever replace your grandmother. I spent more than seventy years of my life with that woman and good or bad, every moment was a gift. Even after our worst fights – and we had some pretty good ones – I wouldn’t trade what we had for all the gold in the world. She’s still the last person I think about at night and the first person I think about in the morning. I see her every day when I look at you and your father. It’s hard to replace someone who is still so alive in your heart.”
James already knew the answer but asked the question anyway. “Do you think we only get one chance at a love like that?”
“I don’t know if love is a one-and-done thing, son. I think when you’ve found that person, you just know.”
“So that’s it? One great love and nothing else?”
“I didn’t say that. I think you can love lots of people in your life. I think you can love two or three or four people so much that it hurts to live without them. But I think even in the midst of our capacity to love, we still only have that one true love that lives inside of us no matter what happens. That’s the kind of love I had with your grandmother. I could love someone else, and I have. No one, though, has ever lived in my heart the way she has.”
“That’s how I feel about Rae, Gramps. That’s how I’ve always felt about her. It scares me because for the rest of my life, no matter who I’m with, I’m always going to have that feeling inside me. I’m always going to know that no matter who I love, I love her more. And whoever I love is going to suffer for it. Katie has. She knows. That’s why she’s serving me divorce papers.” He picked up the bottle and scrubbed the counter 9more earnestly than before. “Not that I don’t deserve that.”
“Nobody deserves to be heartbroken, kid,” Gramps said. “I get what you’re feeling, I do. I just hate to watch you get your hopes up and your heart crushed again.”
“What if she still feels the same?”
“That was a long time ago. You moved on, and maybe she has, too.”
“Nella said she’s single.”
“Single doesn’t mean available. You and Rae were just kids, James.”
“And so were you and Grandma.”
“True enough. But times were different then. We didn’t have the opportunities your generation does. Rae hasn’t reached out to you once over the years. You're pining for your childhood is all. What do your friends say about it? I’m sure Micah has some choice words.”
“I don’t want to talk about it with them. They’d never let me hear the end of it. They love Katie.” James sighed. “Plus, they don’t care for Rae, given what they’ve seen her put me through. Guys aren’t supposed to do this, Gramps. They aren’t supposed to be enamored with a girl from a lifetime ago. We’re supposed to be resilient and move on. In all these years I’ve never found a way to stop loving her. And if she doesn’t feel the same, that’s what needs to happen. I’ll need to stop loving her. I’ll need to find a way to shut down every memory and every part of my soul that still finds a way to think about her.”
“Good luck with that,” Gramps laughed. “James, I’m gonna tell you something that you may or may not want to hear, and I may or may not want to say it. But I’m gonna say it anyway because I’m an old man with no filter and I know you too well. You’re going to go dangling your heart out there like bait this weekend. If you really wanted to stop loving her, you’d have found a way. A person’s heart is different than their mind. Our minds learn something new and forget something else every day. Our minds can only store so much before they have to make room for more. Our hearts and souls though, they’re tricky bastards. They grow with us, making room for more people throughout our lives. We forget the actions of people we know, we forget names, but we rarely forget how we feel about them. You can’t distance yourself from how you feel about her because she’s a part of who you are. You keep looking for a way to stop that feeling but you never will because that’s just not possible. You need to find a way to live with that feeling and still make a life for yourself. If you can’t accept it and move on, you’re just going to ruin every chance you have of being happy with someone down the road. You’re just lucky that Katie always understood it and let
you keep it tucked away in your heart. She loved you so much that she stayed with a man who could never love her how she wanted.”
James hung his head, deep in thought. Gramps was right, there was no question about that. The old man shook the paper open again and leaned back to finish reading, though even he couldn’t focus on anything but the heartbreak of his favorite grandson.
Chapter 11
Friday, October 2
Rae parked her mother’s car along the curb. The glowing flames in the distance pointed her towards her friends, whose idea of a fun Friday night consisted of a bonfire and brews instead of the club hopping and stilettos of Chicago. She wanted to miss these moments, though she couldn’t. She loved her life in the big city and the excitement that it brought. What she lacked back home were the people and moments she never experienced, like children and close friends.
Her copper-colored suede over-the-knee boots blocked the wind from gusting through her skinny jeans as she hustled in the October night air towards the warmth of the fire. Nella, Ava, and Brook sat around it in the comfort of their lawn chairs.
“How was your first home cooked meal in years?”
“Chicago has some fantastic restaurants, but nothing beats my Daddy’s chicken fried steak,” Rae said. “What are you girls talking about?”
“Do you remember that time we thought we were so cool because we snuck a beer out of the cooler on the back porch at one of Brooke’s mom’s parties? All four of us drinking that beer and pretending like we were ten years older than we were. I’m sure we looked ridiculous!”
“I remember that! Didn’t we sneak down by the creek?” Brooke laughed at the memory.
“Yeah! And I think we all only took like, one sip,” said Ava.
“Then we poured the rest into the creek! We were so obnoxious!” Brooke laughed. “You remember that Rae?”
“I do,” Rae said. She pulled up a chair to the fire and sat down. “We did a lot of ridiculous stuff.”
“Some of us more than others,” Ava said as she glared at Brooke.
“Hey! We were teenagers!” Brooke quickly defended herself with a grin. She’d always been the one to see a line and test just how far across it she could dance before causing problems.
“I was talking about last week.”
“Har har har,” Brooke said.
“So how was day one back in Jessup?” Nella asked.
“Oh you know, helped mama cook and clean. Ran a mile and saw the whole town.”
“The whole town? Anyone special?”
It was no secret to the girls that Rae still had a place in her heart for James. They’d been champions for the couple since high school. Rae’s total avoidance of even the mention of his name over the years cemented for them just how much her heart likely still ached for him.
“I think I saw just about everyone. I can’t tell you how many people I had to stop and chat with. Mama nearly sent out a search party for me when I didn’t come home with the groceries in a half hour.”
“She probably thinks you tried to catch a plane out of here,” Brooke said. The girls nodded and laughed in agreement.
“I was at the diner watching you stall before going into a certain grocery store in town,” Nella added.
“Oh, I saw James, up close and personal at the grocery store.”
“And?”
“And, just like every time his name comes up, I don’t want to know any details about his life, okay? I don’t want to know that he’s happy and I’m not. I don’t wish anything bad for him. I hope that he is living a great life. I just don’t want to hear about it.” Rae gripped her wine glass a little tighter and scooted closer to the fire.
“Okay, let’s not talk about his life. Can we talk about him for a minute though?” Ava asked. The girls had clearly abandoned their don’t-speak-of-James rule.
Nella kept the pace going. “Hell yes, let’s talk about him. I’m sitting here looking at wrinkles and hiding gray hair with a marker between colorings, and this guy keeps getting better looking with each passing year!”
“Maybe you should ask him out,” Brooke said. “He’s single now, and Rae isn’t interested.”
“Would you mind, Rae? Because if you don’t want a piece of that, I’d hate to see it go to waste. He’s just about the only guy within fifty miles I haven’t dated.”
“Yeah, him and Micah,” Brooke teased.
“He’s not married?” Rae asked. She covered her mouth after the words slipped out. She wanted to reach out and pull them back and remove the question from the playing field, but it was too late; she’d opened the floodgates. “Never mind.
Forget I asked.”
“Married? Technically. Separated from Katie right now. Signed the divorce papers, from what I gather. That boy’s as in love with you as you are with him.”
“I am not in love with him.”
“Say what you will,” Nella continued, “but you are both still longing for something you have never found outside of each other. If that weren’t true, you wouldn’t be single!”
“I thought he had a family,” Rae said.
“Technically.” Nella finished off her glass of wine, and Brooke poured her another. “Girl, you should have seen his face at the ten-year reunion when he heard you weren’t coming. He looked like a lost puppy. Don’t think Katie was a big fan of that night. I’m sure he’s been prepping for a week since he found out you were gracing us with your presence.”
“Yeah, he mentioned you all let it spill that I was coming home. In particular, Nella.”
“Don’t act like it’s a surprise! You’re here and people are bound to notice. You’re like the long-lost child star of this town. Your commercials play and everyone talks about how they knew a celebrity way back when. Everyone’s been waiting for you to come back.” Ava poured herself some more.
“I’m not a celebrity. I make the commercials, I don’t star in them.”
“Doesn’t much matter in a town this small. People just want to know someone famous and for Jessup, you’re it.”
“So, what happened when you saw him?” Brooke changed the subject back to what she wanted to know about.
“It was so uncomfortable. He did get better looking,” Rae smiled. “It feels like we’re two total strangers that know everything about one another.”
“Like social media friends,” Ava laughed.
“Come on, tell us all about it. We miss this kind of gossip. Been a long time since any of us had a lost romance to pine over.” Nella settled back in her chair like a camper waiting for the fireside story.
“It is so incredibly strange to stand face to face with someone who knew you intimately, and at the same time feel like you have no idea who they are. How can you feel like you know someone so well and not at all, all at the same time? He called me Raelyn.”
“Wow, he went formal,” Brooke said with a laugh.
“Yeah. Way too formal. His voice just brought back so many memories. It’s like no time has passed at all, then you realize nearly fifteen years and a thousand life experiences have wedged themselves in between the world you knew and the world you know now.”
“What’d you guys talk about?”
“Nothing really. Small talk. He asked if we all wanted to go out with him and the boys tomorrow before the reunion.”
“Yeah, we already said yes to that a long time ago,” Nella said.
Rae glared lovingly at her friend.
“What?” Nella replied. “You left Jessup but we didn’t. There’s really not a great range of people to hang out with around here, you know. We spend time with James on a weekly basis.”
The other girls looked at Nella as though they were willing her to shut up.
“No, it’s fine,” Rae replied. “We’re all adults. A lot of time has passed. We can be friends with whoever we want to be friends with. I’m just surprised no one’s mentioned it.”
“Surprised? Girl, you put a lockdown on the conversation when a word even resem
bling ‘James’ pops out of our mouths. Hell, I dated a man named James a few years ago and called him Brad around you just so I could talk about it!” Nella replied.
With the girls distracted by their debate of what was acceptable to say in front of her, Rae tipped her glass and emptied the wine into the grass without anyone noticing – except Nella. Rae shook her head at Nella’s sideways glance and hoped she’d taken the hint that she’d explain later.
“He talks about you all the time,” Ava chimed in.
“He does? No, wait, don’t tell me anything more. I don’t want to know.” Rae sat back against the cool wood and took a deep breath of the fresh night air she hadn’t realized she’d missed. “Okay, I lied. What does he say? The wine wants to know, not me.”
“He misses you,” Nella said softly, knowing full well it wasn’t the wine. “He always has.”
“I thought he would be happily married and traveling the world. Sure looked like it last time I saw him,” said Rae.
“The last time you saw him was fourteen years ago! Hell
Rae, we were nineteen!”
“I can’t believe I’m asking this,” Rae said as she let out a huge sigh. “What happened?”
“I feel like I’ve been keeping secrets from you for so long,” Nella said. “Like I’m sharing some big news that you’re going to hate me for.”
“You’re not,” Rae interjected. “I never let you talk about him. That’s my fault for putting you all in that position.”
“We’ve wanted to tell you so much for so long,” Ava said. Blake filled Ava’s cup again while Nella continued the conversation.
“He and Katie got married a long time ago,” she said. “I know you don’t want to hear this, but she is amazing. She is beautiful, smart, and funny. And we always felt like we were betraying you when we spent time with her because we wanted to hate her for you, but we couldn’t. I think for a while, we thought you hated us because we didn’t shun her.”